step 1: tie laces. February 7, 2010

Eckhart Tolle talks about the idea of “pain bodies.” That, when you feel sad, or mad, or angry, or jealous—those feelings are pain bodies that are separate than you, that are choosing to inhibit you. Or maybe you are choosing to sit in them for a while. I’m not really sure. And to be honest, my roomie and I bought some Irish cream liquer last night, had it with hot chocolate, and tonight I just have been enjoying the liquer. (This, yet again, is a treat of having said roomie.) But anyhoo, you get my point. (If you don’t, I’m saying I feel tipsy.)

See, I know it is human to feel sad, or bad, or frozen, or whatever. And being human is you know, great! However, I wouldn’t mind being a horse or a dog in another lifetime. Napping: Like. Playing in the field: Like. Eating: Like. But with all the reading I’ve done in the past several months, I understand how very often, feeling sad is a choice. I think it was Eckhart Tolle who said how a person must enjoy feeling sad, or else he wouldn’t choose to feel it. And I do agree. Often I will be sitting on the train or somewhere else lost in my thoughts and I’ll go to some dark place. Well, I must enjoy that! Or else I wouldn’t go there! I would go to my thankful list. Which gives me carpal tunnel, thankfully.

A lot of times this happens when I have great ideas that I have to move from my imagination into the real world. I think I spent about 60% of the time I had planned to work on my solo show last year being frozen, immobilized at my computer. So I’d move to the bed and lay there. Then back to the chair. Then food would probably come into the picture. I thought that having the kitchen down the stairs from me in my new living situation would help me in that scenario. Alas, stairs do not stop me from rummaging in the kitchen! Send me something more challenging, world!

So I have several things on my list right now which I will keep on the list and off the blog. But, when faced with having to actually work towards them, or take steps in the real world—FREEZE! I freeze. OHHHH. Then I go to a very low place. And I think that must be because it is so fun to be there. I can question the world and my life and do all the other existential bullshite and just feel crappy. I must really enjoy those feelings! I mean, geez!

I am working on practicing taking very little baby steps when I feel like that. Like putting on shoes and a coat and taking a walk. Or even looking up directions on hopstop to some place that might assist in my research. Or finding the nearest caffeine vendor. Whatever it is, just do it! Whatever can get you out of that place, do it! Okay—try and stay away from the hard drugs.

I guess the cycle of life is that no matter how much it changes, or you changes, new challenges come about in new ways you couldn’t have even created yourself. But—boom! There they are! Hey, wait, I didn’t plan for this!

So the choice is, to lay there, frozen by immobilization, just letting the pain body take over. Or, taking ten minutes to put on your shoes. Because sometimes it takes that long. But just, being prepared for that, and letting it be what it is. Because you can’t unthink your way out of frozen emotional places. Sometimes you just have to get up and move your feet. And before you know it, you are a little lighter.

And then: Repeat, repeat, repeat.

brooklyn snowy day to night. February 7, 2010

Snowing outside. Warm inside. February 6, 2010

Today is the first day in two weeks that I have absolutely nothing planned. Which is perfect because it snowed like crazy last night.

I am really enjoying working! There is this guy who works in the staff room, named David. He’s the guy who you either really like listening to his rants, or you just ignore him and make your coffee. I don’t think it really matters to him, because he will just go on about whatever he’s thinking about whether you want to think you are a part of the conversation or not. He was in the hospital for a while and just got back around the same time when I started. For about a week he would say over and over, “There ain’t nothin like havin a job. All those people who don’t want a job are crazy.”

Yup. There ain’t nothin like having a job! My life looks a whole lot different than it was six months ago. Six months ago I lived in Times Square, worked at Cafe Cluny, performed regularly, and was very much in this space of “What the heck am I doing with my life?” And now I live in Brooklyn, work in an office, and am not performing as often. And my head space is now a little more like, “What am I doing with this week?”

My friend Jamie and I were talking about how, “Wherever you go, there you are.” All the stuff on the outside that has changed definitely makes my day-to-day life different. But it’s all the inner work that really makes a difference. And that is exactly what I can see now that I took away from the months off of a regular job, out in the searching mode. And I am starting to really get that is doesn’t matter what I do, or where I live, and that none of that will bring me happiness. But there is such a wealth of happiness inside, if I can just choose that on a daily basis. Then, from a whole place, I can deal with the outside, adding a little of this or a little of that to make it just what I want.

follow the fear January 19, 2010

Oh, hello there!

Please pardon the past few days of keeping the bloggo on lockdown. Like I mentioned before I have been on the job hunt, and I just decided to make this private til I worked out the employment situation.

It has been an interesting adventure, looking for a job in January during “this economic climate.” January is the slow month in just about everything, except for accounting, maybe! But—it is slow especially in the restaurant world. So, after getting my initial fretting out of the way, I looked at this as a great big challenge. I’m not on unemployment so there is no cozy padding coming my way while I do the job search. (Note: I am not hating on this padding! I would love this padding!)

Let me cut to the chase and share the good news: Jesus has risen!

Also, more news: I got a job!

Not in a restaurant. A beautiful, glorious, 3-month-long proofreading job that I couldn’t be happier to get. So you will not find me complaining here about said job, or really saying much about it at all. It is exactly what I need right now and it’s a great gig! I’m very very grateful and happy to have this.

I’d say I spent about 2-3 weeks actively job hunting. This brought to mind the question: What the eff are my marketable skills? How can I make my resume more snazzy? How do I write a decent cover letter?

So searching for a job in the midst of January gave me an opportunity to really figure all that stuff out. In the beginning I was very scared of walking into a restaurant and handing in a resume. I was very timid about answering ads on craigslist. I found a few restaurants that I really wanted to work at—the atmosphere seemed fun, interesting, and busy! A few times I thought I’d secured a job and then the phone call didn’t come in. Bummer. Out again, hitting the streets!

Sometimes I just felt clueless about how to find a job. One day last week I interviewed at a couple of places in Columbus Circle and then gave myself a little game to play: Drop off ten resumes between 59th Street and 42nd Street on 9th Ave. This is a neighborhood full of restaurants, and… possibilities!

So I did just that. Still, not knowing where I would find work, and that very tempting space of “worry” or “fear” or “regret” or “shitballs” was just right there in front of my space, inviting me in if I cared to wallow. But, no, away from me, all you! I am not going there! This, mwah ha, is another opportunity for growth. Every time I walk into a new place, put a smile on my face, and decide that I am someone for these people to want to be around, to work with, to sell their product, and to have the courage to say, “Are you hiring?” and then, more often than not, to say, “May I leave my resume in case something opens up?”—Every time I did that—I got just a little stronger on the inside.

And then, naturally, I end up with a job not in a restaurant at all. Ha!

I feel like job interviewing and dating are right there on the same plane. Simultaneously trying to present yourself as attractive and wonderful and confident, while also taking the other person/opportunity in, trying to see if it will be a good match.
Fear and excitement are on the same plane as well, as my roommate Maureen told me.

Let me start backwards, and with a completely different topic. Improv. I decided not to do a house team this coming year. This was a really big old giant scary weird uncomfortable decision to make. I started thinking about it way back in September, during that month when I did not work at all, but was still… working! I was not working at a jobjob, I was working at comedy. And, to take time off of comedy seemed completely against all of the rules I had set up for myself. Which made me start to think about the rules that I have set up for myself. And rethink them too.

To explain some of what I realized about improv, I need to talk about food. I am reading a book right now called Mindful Eating. In my ever-present journey towards getting a healthy relationship with my food and eating habits, i borrowed this book from the library in the hopes of getting some help here. However, I have done none of the exercises, which are pretty essential, just enjoyed the book as some subway reading. I really enjoyed what she had to say in the last chapter:

Emptying is as important as filling. We know this in relationship to our breath, but we’ve forgotten it in relationship to our stomach. We’ve also forgotten it in relation to our minds. When we think all the time, our minds never get a rest. Emptying is as important as filling. Life-changing insights arise out of a quiet open mind. Archimedes realized the principle of displacement as he entered that bath, Newton the force of gravity as he rested under an apple tree. The equation for relativity flashed into Einstein’s mind as he idly watched a passing train. This is also how important spiritual insights arise, in the receptive space of a mind that is calm and alone. The emptying is the essence of centering prayer or meditation. God can’t call in on a busy line.

I am making a choice to be less busy in this year, to continue to create space for what I am still figuring out I want. For me, the memory that stands out the most in my mind during my month of not working at all was the day I took a nap under a tree. It was the most peaceful I’d felt in a long time, just laying there, doing nothing, enjoying the breeze, enjoying the distant music and laughter in the park.

I want time in my life, and space in my life, to keep on keepin on. All this time off has given me a lot of direction and ideas that I want to jump into this year. So, this month, I have felt a lot of fear about letting go of this weekly improv gig, which is actually much more than just a chance to perform on stage. But, if fear is the only thing holding me back, then that’s when I know I should go for it. My roommate Maureen was telling me how fear and excitement are on the same planes. Often, if one is present, the other is right there with it. So when I’m facing this fear, I am also facing this excitement of what the year holds outside of the routine I have had for the past two years. Which, maybe I even learned how to do this from improv. Each time we get out there, and it’s scary, and you don’t know what is next or how anyone will react to you, all you have to do is…

follow the fear.

fret fret fret. so many worries to tend to! January 12, 2010

I have been very busy lately. There’s so much I have to get done right now in order to survive. There are so many things happening in my life that I need to spend a good time fretting over to make sure everything turns out okay! So I have been tending to my worries, spending a lot of time obsessing over them. One of these things is the work situation. I need a damn job. I have been spending hours scrolling craigslist looking at jobs. Then, moving to a different part of my room to think about about how I don’t really want a job. Then I move right back here and look at craigslist again, because hot damn, it is time for me to get some cash flow coming into my life.

I am looking for a job. It is time. I have had a nice few months tending to my emotional and spiritual needs and now my physical needs, like paying rent and eating, are taking control of the ship. January is always slow in the catering world and the party world, so there goes my part-time work. And so here I am, writing the familiar emails exclaiming what a great addition I’d be to so-and-so’s team of servers.

My general activities have been something like this: Check craigslist for restaurant listings. Spend time clicking, reading, making judgment calls. (If the posting says to call Boris for immediate hire, I take that as a no.) I find something that looks possibly good, so I find the energy to type of the email, send. Then it is checking my email, then refreshing my email, then just frozenly sitting there (new word: frozenly). REPEAT. I have spent a great deal of the past week just feeling frozen when I start to look at jobs.

So then I try and get out of the house (I still love to say that! house!) and go actually physically hand in some resumes. This is when I understand why I feel so frozen. The moment I get up to a restaurant and peer inside their windows, the fear is not so much rejection, the fear is: Fuck. What if they do hire me?

I have adjusted to the lifestyle I have now! I like not having a job. I like doing random odd gigs. I like sleeping in and then having a very large cup of tea on a very cozy couch. However, like I said, I need a job. Like, yesterday. And so here I am looking at my life about to change. Getting ready to spend 30-40 hours with new people in a new environment waiting on new customers. And that feels really uncomfortable. Getting back into the world of having to ask for time off, and even have someone tell me, “No. You can’t have that week off to travel. Sorry.” WHAT??

So it is interesting that at the same time I am reading my newest Wayne Dyer book: Your Erroneous Zones. These erroneous zones are all the self-destructive thinking that is so easy to get caught up in: guilt, worry, fear, anxiety, perfectionism. He airs out all this stuff in the book and tells it like it really is. This is good for me to read because I often go to that place of worry or anxiety when there is any sort of action to take or decision to make.

Dyer actually says that worry is a tool used so that you don’t have to take any action. We use worry so we can stay in a safe place and not actually go out there and live in the present moment. “Worry is a present-moment activity. Thus, by using your current life being immobilized over a future time in your life, you are able to escape the now and whatever it is in the now that threatens you.” Worry is basically a waste of time, just a tool to keep you safe in the place of inaction and decision, rather than living in the present moment, taking a risk! He encourages you to take a practical step when feelings of worry start to seep in.

So, if I can actually manage to get my butt out of this chair and out into the outside world, and take the risk that yes—someone might actually hire me—and walk into a door, hand in a resume, —REPEAT— then I will have no reason to worry. I am taking practical steps towards working out this financial situation. Just another jump out there into the unknown! Who knows what kind of job I will find and people I will meet there. It could possibly be a good thing.

yikes. move, feet. Walk, go!

it’s 2010. January 3, 2010

So, my roommate Maureen and I were talking about New Year’s resolutions and she was saying how she didn’t have any—she just wanted to continue the work she’s already doing. I feel the same way. I really don’t have huge, gigantic promises I am making to myself about things I want to change or improve upon. I’m on the right track… I’m just going to keep on walking, day by day. Much in the spirit of the Wayne Dyer quote I posted earlier in the month, these days I just taking each day at a time, pursuing my best life very, very gently.

As I regularly like to do, I updated my wish lists from The Artists Way. This time I numbered my lists from one to eleven, leaving one wish totally blank. This is me saying, Okay sure—There are things I would like. And things I’m not even aware of that will be lovely surprises. Throw those in there too.

So there. I put some intentions out there. I checked out my list of intentions from last year. Sure enough, the year was jam-packed with self-care, friendships, and travel. Let’s see what’s in store for this year…

I am reading a new book by Martha Beck called Steering by Starlight. One of her activities is to write down five things that you really want. Then, she advises you to write down the feeling states behind each of these wants. Like if the thing you want is a great job, the thing you really want is the feeling state behind having that great job: security, comfort, etc. So, the secret to getting the feeling state you want, is to start with it. Or, as she says:

Here’s something you’ll need to hold in your mind, at least temporarily, if you want to get a good look at your own North Star: External circumstances do not create feeling states. Feeling states create external circumstances.

You’ll experience far more success in all areas of life when you dwell in a sense that your goal has already been achieved.

It’s similar to that idea of writing on a post-it, “Thank you for…”, thanking God for the thing in your life that you don’t have yet, but you want.

It still floors me how well this worked with my living situation. I had put a note on my mirror thanking God for my amazing apartment with great sunlight and awesome roommates. And here I am now, in a HOUSE, with awesome roommates, and a room FULL of sunlight. I am so cozy and happy here it is ridiculous. Where before I would go a bit crazy being stuck in my apartment all day, I now find myself not wanting to leave this warm, cozy, friendly home.

This year, one thing I do hope to do, is practice gratitude every day. Not only for the things I want in the future, but for all the things I have today, in this moment.

i like dis. December 21, 2009

In every moment of your life, you have the option to choose peace for yourself.

Your false self thrives on your inner anxiety because that is what it thinks it needs to stay alive. Ego promotes thoughts like these: I cannot be happy or content; I must be a sinner and an evil person; If I am feeling peaceful then I will simply vegetate; I must constantly look at how others are living and performing in order to assess my value. This constant state of comparison keeps the turmoil alive.

The ego wants you in a constant state of agitation to keep you from embracing your higher self. It convinces you that if you are not always on edge, you can’t grow. But you must keep in mind that experiencing this inner turmoil is a choice that you have made by allowing your false self to dominate your life. When you make the choice for peace, you are literally allowing God into your life. Rather than vegetate, you will discover that you can be busy, purposeful and blissful and still have peace.

Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, Your Sacred Self

the breaking point December 19, 2009

I have found that I have been spending very little time on the computer over the past few weeks. You can tell by the way it looks around here! I feel like I am running around a lot. I put it out there a while ago that I was available for part-time odd jobs, and bit by bit they have floated in over the past month. And now that I’m a commuter I find myself leaving in the morning and coming home later at night on lots of days.

It’s really nice actually. A long time habit of mine has been to aimlessly be on the computer, endlessly checking my email and Facebook. Often I would get stuck doing that and have to force myself to go outside or something else. I think this also has to do with the fact that in my small studio, my computer was always starting at me. “Check me! There may be an email! A friend request! A new picture tagged! I bet there is a boy out there who you like who’s in photos with pretty girls so let’s wallow in that for a while! C’mon…”

So, that is my excuse for not posting very often.

Right now it is snowing like crazy. I love the quiet stillness that the snow brings.

I wanted to share a little of something I wrote when I was cleansing! I was on my next-to-last day of detoxing (the night before Thanksgiving), and I passed the point of hunger to where I didn’t feel hungry anymore. It was a really exciting thing for me to experience because it made me feel like I had passed the breaking point. I realized that this is a huge challenge for me in almost every area of my life. When things get really tough, I get scared and back down. But if you can push through that point, things actually get easier and you get great breakthroughs.

It was the first time for me that I had really detoxed, so it was a big deal for me. I didn’t know how my body would react to not eating food. (Except 6 almonds.)

I’m going to preface this and say that I didn’t have Internet at this point due to moving, so I just wrote on my computer because I needed to write, without considering whether I’d post it or not.

And I’m not gonna edit it either, because it’s all the stuff that came up!

So here’s this thing I wrote.

The breaking point.
Today is my detox day.
It was fine until about 5 pm when i started to get cranky.
I ran a bunch of errands this afternoon while my energy was up and brain was thinking clearly.

This time, I have not cheated. I have had my six alloted snacks.
(Read: 4 chewy “snack” tablets that look like Tums but taste better, and two raw almonds.)

I rented 5 movies from the library.
I don’t have Internet.
My head feels fuzzy. My face looks bloated.

This cleanse has been good for me, because of many reasons.
One is that, I often treat myself with food.
“I deserve this.”
“I deserve a cookie.”
“I worked hard, I deserve fries with cheese.”

This is how I reward myself.

You know what I deserve?

To feel like a million bucks, all the time.
This is not possible.
However, this is the starting point I want to be at on a regular basis, and swerve from there because I am making allowances for LIFE.

Okay—at least that’s my starting point. Emotions are good to have, sometimes I will feel down or depressed. 
But I’m talking physically.

I’m tired of having gas.
Yeah, I said that.
I’m tired of waking up hungover, more than once or twice a month. I’m tired of thinking I have to drink a certain amount to have the maximum fun. I’m tired of my social life controlling how I treat my body. I am tired of regularly experiencing guilt as I attempt to regulate want my child wants and what my grown up thinks I should have.
PEOPLE. Let’s work together here!

DAMN. I know how to DANCE. I know how to LAUGH. I have amazing people in my life to laugh and dance with.

And I won’t block my insecurities with alcohol.

I want to pass the breaking point in my life, in my life’s patterns, in my mental battle with going to the next level. It’s so fuzzy right now in my brain that I am having trouble hearing all the naysayers in my head, telling me a shouldn’t write this. What if people look at me in the bar? What about if I do overdrink? Or if I don’t at all? 

And they all know my secrets!
SHH…

Don’t tell anyone at Mustang Sally’s, okay?
I don’t want anyone to expect anything of me.
That would be, like HORRIBLE.

And really, I am done with dumb boys.

New resolution: I will only buy a dress that makes me feel awesome. When I can afford it.
I will only flirt with boys who make me feel awesome.
The real awesome. Authentic awesome.
I will only eat food that makes me feel awesome.
Sometimes this is cheese. When I can afford it.

But I am not going to block anxiety, or pain, or fear, (My three BIG ONES) those feelings with food, or even with tears.
Back when I took Eric Davis’s class last January, it was extremely frustrating. I came out, and tried to connect with the audience as my clown. I was bawling, and crying. He didn’t buy it. “I’m such a good cryer though! I am being emotionally open!” When the tears had faded, the real stuff could come up. I was scared to be out there. I remember looking down at that moment.

He said, “When you want to look down, look up.”

That’s when you are real. All the real gunk. That’s the good stuff. Let it come up! It needs to!

I wasn’t! I was using tears to block everything.

Then when I found my character for the [solo] show, [when] I found my vulnerability. It is in revealing who I truly am, all the SHIT underneath the big smile. Just to be myself! Amped up, trying so hard to create the life I desire, but revealing that is who I am. I think I try so hard sometimes that it scares the proper events from just taking place.

And that’s when I had fun.

One part of the self that I discovered in September was my inner child. This child did not wanna do ANYTHING. It was having temper tantrums all over the place, until I finally said: “Okay, what do YOU want to do?”

I have been, since then, trying to honor that child. I think for a long time, I was a very strict parent. So much that, I couldn’t hear what it wanted anymore. I heard many other voices. My mind had taken over and decided what I wanted. The child was huffy in a corner and did not like any decisions.

I really wanted to get a career out of my month off.

Instead, I got FUN.

And I got CREATIVE breakthroughs.

And I got a new HOME that is going to be a true abode.

And I developed new and strong RELATIONSHIPS.

And right now I am developing better HEALTH.

I always return to Julia Cameron’s idea of the 7 areas of life: creativity, health, possessions, leisure, relationships, career, and spirituality.

It seems like I am continually pushed to work on all these other areas first, that I didn’t even realize I was not fully embracing, because all I could ever think about was, “What the heck am I doing? How am I gonna support myself? WELL? I want to make great money and do something I love? Do I have to do one million more shows to make that happen? Does it have to be acting?”

The answer is: I don’t care, I just want to be happy! I am not married to being an actor. I am married to living a joyful, full life.

stop PUSHING for an answer, and just LIVE, and explore, until I find the career dress that makes me feel awesome, and is within my budget.

So that’s when I continued with the ever present journey towards a full life.

And now I am understanding that I need to raise my inner child a bit better.

I need to give the child ample room to play, and to work with the child in finding joy, but this child is not going to run the ship. Neither is my mind.

Just: me. Just, my true essential self.

I am making deals with myself for the new year:
My reward for hard work will not be overstuffing myself, or not exercizing.

If I want to eat too much, that will just be a decision I make.
If I want to not exercise, then I will do that, but it will not come from an inner fit.

I am going to deal with the inner fits as they come up.

I’m also going to try daily to do something really crazy: Not Worry About This “Career” thing. That is just another block!
I am going to explore, and I’m going to eat great meals from my local, cheap grocery store.

I am going to live within my pants means, and within my financial means, WHILE allowing myself freedom to live life and explore.

I am going to let the emotions rise to the top, whatever they be, look them in the face, and deal with them.

It’s okay to feel painful things. It’s not okay to stuff them down with blocks.

All the different characters in my own woman-show over here are gonna start working together to make one really great theatrical experience.

I was lucky enough to get some commercial auditions, and I got two callbacks in two weeks.

They were really fun, too!

The directors both had me go back and try different things, they laughed, they said, “thanks elizabeth,” “really nice,” etc.

I began to separate myself emotionally from my career defining me.

And now I have had this great process of separating myself emotionally from my eating habits.

I hope to God this is not a week at church camp, where I go home and fall back into the same patterns.

I want to create the newest, best patterns for my life,
in the kindest, most wonderful way.

The only limits you have are the ones you put on yourself!
Someone said that once, I’m sure.

I am not limiting myself by giving into emotional up and downs.

When I feel sad or angry, my options are not:
-buying stuff
-eating stuff
-researching therapists/doctors/life coaches/ yoga studios/spiritual guides.
-call a friend/family crying

My options are:
-go outside
-take a nap
-write
-cry
-throw things
-kick things
-let whatever tantrum out that the child needs out, and then closely examine where it came from.
-and DEAL with that area!

Time to be my own life coach! Which is great, because I love working with a life coach.
This saves me money. Plus, I know everything that I need, and I know everything I want.

I am getting rid of the shit clogging up my pores.

I threw it all out.
Why did I have makeup I owned 5 years ago?
I don’t want that stuff on my face!

I am getting rid of the mental patterns clogging up my life.
Obviously I developed them through time to deal with life.

But I don’t wear lipstick from five years ago. I’m not going to wear the mental or emotional coats I used to wear either.

I have grown them out!

So I am tossing that out! Not even giving them to good will. I don’t want someone else to pick up morning anxiety, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of losing friends, fear of alienating people. I don’t want someone else to pick the kind of guys who want want anything from me emotionally but can allow me to remain a victim of rejection. It’s soo safe there! I am safe in that pain.

Nope, I’m not doing that stuff!
Good bye, boys!
Good bye , stupid bartenders!
Good bye, dime-a-day musician!
Good bye, “cutest guy in the club”. Bring me that dorky one who looks really uncomfortable. You look… NICE.

I am starting to find I am very interested in nice boys.

That’s a really exciting place to be.

Nice boys might like me back!
YIKES!

So, here I am, a few weeks later. As usual, I set my sights very high on how I wanted to live, eat, act, etc. And I did go to the other extreme for a couple of weeks after the cleanse. Whiskey and giant bags of Doritos were consumed and enjoyed. And lots of delicious sweets. And it all caught up to me last Saturday afternoon. I just felt completely exhausted from running around, the move, and my diet being all over the place. So i did a little one-day cleanse on Sunday, having two of the Isagenix shakes and a light meal, staying off caffeine and sugar. It helped me kick back into gear with really listening to my body. Gently. And so now, after going from one extreme to another extreme and back, NOW i feel ready to kindly, gently listen to my body’s needs and balance them with my taste bud’s wants.

The things my head have understood for a little while as far as boys go are finally traveling down to my heart, in regards to who I have chosen to date or how I have chosen to present myself when I’m out having fun or at the bar with friends. I’m really good at seeming like a care-free confident New York lady but the truth is I do want more than some short-term interaction just to occupy my ego or entertain me for the time being.

Martha Beck calls it your inner self, and Wayne Dyer calls it your essential self, some may say your higher self and others, God, but I believe there is a place inside each one of us that has all the answers we need and immediately knows if something is good for us or not. Wayne Dyer talks a lot about the “knowing.” I am starting to have more confidence in the things I “know.” Not believe, know.

I feel like with the new year coming in, I am entering into a new phase of life. I am learning to deal with my anxieties and the things I want in my life without letting them take over the present moment.

WIth all the career stuff, the wanting and fears and finally letting go, finding a way to detach my self worth from my success is proving to be essential. I’m starting to discover some things out there that I do enjoy doing that I can make money from! I won’t lay out my ideas here, but I will tell you something I did this week. I taught a cupcake lesson! And got paid for it! We baked and made icing and decorated. I had fun, and laughed, and helped someone, and, got paid for it. Sweet.

a new living space December 10, 2009

There has been a lot happening over the past two weeks. The move really has been wonderful for my brain. I just plain old like it out here! I like living in a house. I like having people around. I like the commute, sitting on the train, reading a book and listening to music, people watching, seeing the Manhattan skyline every day, seeing the sunset occasionally at night. I like having a real kitchen to cook in, a new neighborhood to explore (an entire borough to explore), a new park to walk in, new coffee shops with special brews, new bars to try whiskey of the week at, new restaurants to grab bites at, very cheap and very close grocery stores, sunshine through my window, no tourists within miles of my sleeping space, a large living room to watch the Biggest Loser in.

This was the other night, Tuesday night, when I had been making eggnog cupcakes in the kitchen with the real oven. (In ye olde days, I had a mini confectioner’s oven! It took a long time and a lot of kitchen space creativity to bake a whole batch!) After I’d put in a batch of cupcakes into the oven, I took my spiked eggnog into the living room and turned on the tv. The Biggest Loser was on. What is the deal with this show? I can’t sit through the first 5 minutes without crying! It was amazing. It just felt like a perfect evening. I remember a while ago being so busy and not rarely having nights free. It was just wonderful to be out in this neighborhood, this quiet neighborhood, on Tuesday night, baking my favorite recipe and watching my favorite show, and chatting with roommates.

I am realizing that while I was living in the very small apartment all to myself, in the middle of Times Square, I felt a bit like I was waiting for life to start. Waiting to have the money, the security, the life PLAN, before letting go of a great deal in Manhattan. And I wasn’t really even aware of how the living space was really affecting me. I just didn’t like being there anymore.

I’ve started to let go of needing a life plan, of needing to have it figured out. I am reading this great book (on the train!) by Wayne Dyer: Your Sacred Self.

Relax about the future and let it go. Instead, make an active commitment to enjoy this day a little more. The more peaceful you are with yourself and your role here, the more productive and efficient you become. It is very difficult to accomplish anything when you are stressed over the outcome. When you relax and get peaceful, you become inspired and efficient. Toss out the goals and live your life knowing you are cocreating it.

I think that a lot of times, you just get used to feeling certain ways. Maybe it’s being tired all the time, or insecure, or fearful. I have had a habit of carrying around a lot of anxiety with me all the time. It’s pretty cool now, because since I have 30-45 minutes of down time built in every time I go into Manhattan, it’s become a time to get still and centered, and try to just breathe and smile. I didn’t have that before. There were minutes built in every day of fighting through hoards of tourists and people trying to sell stuff and people just trying to get to their offices. Then sitting on a train for ten minutes, rushing to get to the next place. I was so focused on trying to get through the crowds as fast as possible, and fighting off the tension I feel in these types of crowds, that no zen was coming near me.

So, post-move, a lot of what has been happening has been inward. But that’s really the most important thing. What’s going on inside you is the only thing you can really take with you everywhere you go. So it is exciting to begin to find the place inside me where I can return to again and again to embrace this day, and embrace this life. My new outward living space has been instrumental in me creating the new inward living space. It’s such a treat to start these days with a quiet walk to the train, where I just pass the neighborhood folks and locals doing their thing, living their daily lives.

i like dis. December 7, 2009

Went out to the local bar with new roomies tonight.

This bar specializes in whiskey.
They even offer tastings.

It’s going to be a very good winter.