so i’m cleansed. pass the doritos. December 1, 2009

well well well. you don’t call, you don’t write….

It’s been a busy week, and largely without Internet. Which has been wonderful. It’s nice to not have the option to check email or facebook one million times a day. What did people do before the Internet? Read books, take walks, talk face to face….

First, an update on the cleanse.
Last Wednesday was the detox day where I didn’t eat and didn’t cheat. I had my alloted 6 almonds.
It was a really interesting experience because I passed the breaking point of hunger and felt a bit high. It was pretty exciting. I actually had all these crazy creative ideas running through my head and sat at a computer and wrote them all out. It was inspiring to do that—move past the breaking point. I realized I haven’t really experienced that before and it made me want to run a marathon and see what that’s like.
First I’m going to practice running an entire mile.

The next day was Thanksgiving.

I went to my friend Anna’s, where I’ve celebrated Thanksgiving for the past 4 years. Her and her husband cook an amazing feast. Around 3pm they started serving hors d’oeuvres. This was my first day off the cleanse, and I had some oatmeal and eggs for breakfast, and an apple later.

At 3pm I wasn’t hungry. I was, however, really scared. There was going to be A LOT of food. And I didn’t know how my body would react.

I actually did okay during mealtime, ate to fullness, and not over. It’s dessert that kicked me in the ass.

Three pieces of pie (made from scratch pumpkin and apple, thank you Anna), with ice cream, and a decaf coffee with bailey’s with whipped cream. YUMMMMMM. I was the last person at the table eating and everyone joked that I was re-toxing now. Ha.

Then I started to feel bad. Not physically. Mentally and emotionally. I went to the bathroom and was crying. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I eat all of this? I had lost 5 pounds! I’m gaining it all back! I can’t control myself.

Sound bad? It felt bad. It felt like an eating disorder! It was very odd… Emotionally I was a wreck.

Now don’t even tell me how it was a bad idea to do a cleanse before Thanksgiving. I KNOW. But I did it ANYWAY. It’s always going to be a bad time. But going from starving one day to being in front of a feast of amazing delicious favorite food is really a recipe for disaster.

Anna calmed me down a bit, and reminded me that I did not do anything wrong by eating! It’s a holiday, and I enjoyed it. Her acupuncture teachers had just been speaking about how great cleanses are for the body. They give your intestines and liver a break and are great for your system. And then afterwards, IT IS OKAY TO EAT LIKE NORMAL.

During the cleanse, I felt so good because I wasn’t eating any processed food or caffeine or drinking. But here’s why it was easy: Someone else was in control of my diet. I did not have to think about meals at all. There were very strict rules to this cleanse and I had paid money to do it, so that really helped me to do it correctly. (I did go back on Friday and do the final detox day.) But, left to my own devices, I will eat bread, and cheese, and dessert, because these are delicious things.

I always come back to balance every single damn time and can’t learn my own lessons. The thing is, I enjoy life to much to be my skinniest. I just do. And, I feel embarrassed to share this with you all because I thought I was past that type of thinking, but I’m not. It still creeps up. It felt great to be a little looser in my clothing. But I love to try different food, and snack, and have one more bite and have drinks with friends and hot chocolates. So I think I have to accept the place that I am at. Or ya know, get back on the exercise and regular bikram train. But still—even if I do that stuff everyday, I gotta love my belly in all its glory.

I spent the rest of the time painting and moving and those are certainly not the times to eat grilled chicken salads.

Maia and I went picked out a great yellow and spent all day Saturday painting my room, with several breaks to the local restaurants in my great new neighborhood. The coffee shop has a delicious drink called the Bowl of Soul.

Steamed soy milk, vanilla, chammomile tea, honey, and cinnamon.

Ohhhhh it’s gonna be a good winter.

Sunday was moving day and with my kind, generous friends Maia & Karen, we made not one but two trips back and forth from Times Square to Brooklyn, dealing with the men lurking outside the building giving us advice on how to best pack my shit in the truck.

BOYS: NEVER DO THIS. OoooooooH. I don’t like to do a lot of “Men always…” blah blah blah, but really, Men always seem to think they know how to do these things better than women. Step on back, it is taken care of, and yes, I know how to use a drill.

It was really interesting moving out of the place. Several people who live there kept coming up to me and congratulating me on the move. I didn’t hear anything from my lovely neighbor Art, but my neighbor Fred did come by to say goodbye. He’s the retired pastor that I always have nice chats with. He gave me a present! A lovely scarf and a card. I almost cried, it was such a considerate gesture.

Saturday and Sunday were very long days and I have now tried out 4 of the local eateries, as well as finishing off Sunday with a giant shared bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a couple of beers celebrating the success. What cleanse?

So now I am furiously going through boxes in my new, lovely yellow room trying to find a home for everything I own. I am really enjoying living here so far. This morning I woke up and the sun was coming through my windows. I felt so happy to live in this place. I made a trip into the city and enjoyed the commute with my book and music and view of the Brooklyn Bridge and Manhattan Skyline.

So that’s where I am now. My pooch has returned after a 4 day leave-of-absence, but it’s time to get prepared for all the food and new restaurants I’ll be experiencing over the next month. OH. And, the life-sized oven in my new place! This house is gonna smell like Christmas!

Yoga Download Sale November 25, 2009

Jen told me about Yoga Download a while ago, and I’ve just started using it recently. I am trying to create my own home practice and I’m starting with a very easy basic yoga class. I find that starting the day with some light stretching is a great way to both wake up and start the day feeling good.

Right now they are having a membership sale, so it’s a good time to join!

Day 7 of the cleanse. okay I’m ready for hot chocolate. November 24, 2009

Still feeling pretty great from this cleanse. I think the biggest difference in my day-to-day experience that I haven’t felt overly full, or super hungry. Which seems odd. I have pretty much stayed in that place in the middle. When I have felt tired, it was either time for the next shake or a snack, like a few almonds or celery. (Yeah! celery!) Or the meal of the day.

The hardest thing for me in this little week has been staying away from hot, frothy coffee and espresso drinks. Yesterday was the first day I craved caffeine. I had a decaf coffee with soy milk and splenda and let that be my treat.

I love hot cocoa. And cappucinos. And I’m dying to try that caramel brulee latte drug. Holy moly.

And here’s something exciting…

My catering pants fit again! It’s been a very uncomfortable season. I’ve been sneaking off to unbutton the top button and breathe and hope the captain doesn’t see me and think I’m very strange.

So, Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Followed by a holiday season filled with, I hope, lots and lots of parties. The challenge will be to really enjoy the food I’m eating and when I feel good, stop. And to enjoy the drinks and dancing and not feel the need to pass my limit to have fun.

I like fitting into the pants I own! It’s much more comfortable.

I’m a big believer in getting a head start on the new year. I’ve been working on getting a balanced relationship with food and exercise for a while, but I’m not quite there. I want to be in the place where I can be around cheesy french fries and they won’t be this dramatic temptation that I either give into full-time or feel extremely taunted by if I forego them. I just want to separate myself emotionally from those decisions. Either eat those durn fries and fully enjoy them, or don’t! I’m hoping this regimented week will help me to make good choices without feeling like I’m limiting my experience of life!

Definitely the lack of bread, pasta, dairy, alcohol, and caffeine has had a huge effect on everything from how my stomach feels to my mood to my energy. So my thoughts are that I should keep those minimal in my life in general. (Okay: At least the bread, pasta, and caffeine. Wine and cheese bring me joy and I will let my soul reign free in that gouda and malbec.) But if I am at a potluck party, and someone makes a mac n cheese from scratch, damn, I am having some mac n cheese! (Btw—Someone should do that.)

I actually experienced something odd yesterday. I had just finished my baked salmon, brown rice, and spinach salad, and felt pretty good. But that salmon was sooo yummy that I wanted to just eat the last bit I had cooked. I took a bite, and that guilt kicked in, because I knew: my body didn’t really want it! My mind is just so programed to going a little past that full place that I reached for it. So, I threw it away, and left feeling good.

In other news: I am really freaking excited about Turkey Day. Hope you all have wonderful holiday plans. I’m taking some Bailey’s and decaf coffee to my friend Anna’s. MMMM.

Photos of Happy Class! November 24, 2009

My good friend Keith Huang took some photos of my solo show, “Happy Class” or “Really I Just Want to Eat Cheese,” and posted them over on his blog improvisgoodforyou.

I’ve been told I should add some photos to this blog. So, here they are!

My performing buddy from high school, Marie Anderson, opened for me on the ukulele.

Turtle Lady, what might have been… November 23, 2009

So this weekend, I am moving to Brooklyn!

I ran into my next door neighbor Fred last night. Fred is a retired pastor and reminds me a bit of a worldly Mr. Rogers. I’m not sure why he seems worldy, he is a pastor and all, but he’s always got a quick sense of humor and a light sense about him. We have passing conversation and he always wears hats. He gave me a hug and wished me luck in my profession. I wished him luck in his, although he is retired. He said, “Being retired just becomes a different profession altogether.”

There’s this blind woman I have seen around the building during the entire time I’ve lived here. I’ve occasionally assisted her with buying her sodas at the soda machine but we never talked past that. The other day we were both on the street in the middle of Times Square and she was trying to find her way across the street. I recognized her immediately, and was right beside her and she asked me if I could tell her when the light changed. We walked together the whole way back to the building and had a very interesting conversation. She has lived in that same building since the mid-70’s!!! Can you imagine living in a dorm room for 30 years? And that building has seen it all. When Times Square got really bad in the 80’s, this building was used as a brothel, and then Commonground bought it and renovated it. She was there through all of that. Anyhow, she was a pretty sharp lady. I think I forget that a lot of people here are very interesting people.

She congratulated me on moving. She’s trying to find a new place to live herself, but it’s tough to do anything without eyesight. (She works with a social worker who is helping her with the search.) She only went blind about 7 years ago, from cataracts, and is now 76. But she is very ready for a change.

Then, in the elevator the other day, Turtle Lady rolls in cracking jokes! She’s got more to her than I gave her credit for.

I recently met someone who lives in my building through catering. His name is Gabe, and he’s a fellow 20-something actor. After an event around Halloween I saw Gabe in the building and we both realized we lived in the same place. He was helping an older woman carry a pumpkin she had got for her apartment. I realized, whoa. That’s nice. I really have not done much to assist people in this building who might be able to use help once in a while.

I’ve been really stuck in my own little world here, and protecting myself from the assholes like the pervy bacon guy. Generally, there’s just one of two of those in every crowd, but their energy seems to flood the whole experience. I’m starting to wish I had looked up a little sooner to get to know some of the people here, or at least some interesting conversations here and there.

Day 5 of the Cleanse… Still feeling great. November 22, 2009

I have this fantasy of “feeling good all the time.” If I could make myself always exercise and eat well and then do everything else in moderation, I think it would be achievable. I tend to get stuck in cycles. For a couple of weeks I will be going regularly to bikram and eating really great food, and then something happens: maybe I just run out of groceries and eat on the go for several days in a row, or I get really busy with something and decide I don’t have time to exercise, or I just have a bit too much fun over the weekend and get stuck in that mindset for several days.

I am an indulger. I love to indulge in desserts, in drinks, in great food.

For the past couple of days on this cleanse (Post-detox days!), I have felt mentally clear, and emotionally great too.

This experience is showing me the correlation between mental and emotional health and what I put into my body. Yeah, I knew that in my head. But to actually feel clear-headed for several days straight, without the use of caffeine or anything else, is a treat. I’ve been laying pretty low during the cleanse, because I don’t want to put myself around temptation. I like being in on the fun! But I don’t feel sad or lonely being at home. I feel great! And I don’t feel like I need take-out or a piece of cake to pair with the movies I’ve rented. (Adventureland=great!)

Now, the question is, how do I do this when I am left to fin for myself post-cleanse? How do I still enjoy indulging but make it a treat? How do I make feeling good all the time part of my regular life, not just a cycle I tend to jump into once in a while?

This isn’t just about weight or how I look. It’s much more about how I feel. I’ve found myself thinking, “I feel GREAT in my body!” I just feel good! I don’t have a desire right now to do any emotional eating. Maybe it’s because emotional eating is all about blocking painful emotions. With that option out of the picture, I feel a bit freer to just enjoy life and feel whatever it is I’m feeling.

So it’s proving to be a really great experience. It’s probably the first full week I have gone without wheat, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, or desserts. And I haven’t had any of my usual stomach pains.

This morning I woke up and had my shake, did some light yoga, and took a really long walk in the park. I am a sucker for hot drinks on cold days, so I got myself an orange tea with some honey. (A little bit of honey is allowed! It’s in the book, I’ll show you.) And it just felt great!

I am finding myself thinking, “I don’t want the cleanse to end!”
Ha!

Feeling great on Day 4 November 21, 2009

Okay, so now I am feeling great!

I am on Day 4 of the Isagenix Cleanse. The first two days are detox days, with five shake days in the middle (two shakes a day and one 400-600 cal meal), with two days of detox at the end.

(If you do the math, please note that my final detox day will skip Thursday and move to Friday. Thanksgiving dinner is not to be messed with.)

Friday was the first shake day and I woke up feeling awful. And that is apparently what is to be expected after detoxing! And, I mentioned I had some horrible dreams Thursday night. Well—a friend suggested to me that this could be my mind detoxing too, and lots of negative thoughts and ideas in my head were exiting the system!

Last night I only woke up once, and still had some odd dreams. However, they were the total opposite. I dreamed about a puppy, no joke. It was the sweetest, most fun, lovable, and playful dog. It was GREAT! We just played and played and played.

Now I am looking at the first two days, the detox days, and realizing my mind made them seem a bit harder to get through than they actually were. I was going into it slightly half-committed. Which never is good. I was judgmental of the whole process, of myself for doing it and paying for it, and questioning that the results would actually be beneficial.

Well, there’s only one way to really find out! By going ALL IN and seeing what happens!

I mentioned that yesterday I cheated and had two meals—oatmeal for breakfast, and a spinach salad with grilled chicken, carrots, broccoli, and peppers for lunch. (Lemon herb dressing on the side.)

This was a really great lunch. I sat there and slowly ate it and really just savored it. The rest of the afternoon, I felt great.

At night, for dinner, I really made a thing of the shake. I am reading various books on feng shui right now and one theme is enjoying each of the senses. One book mentioned drinking a smoothie in the bathtub.

Done and done.

I don’t have a blender, but I do have this shaky thingie (technical term) that at least gets the drink nice and frothy. I made a bath, put on a jazz podcast from NPR (George Shearing on Piano Jazz), and I had my shake in the bathtub. This is really the way to go.

I have decided that for the remainder of the cleanse, there will be no more cheating. I can do this!

I have realized a lot of my eating comes down to fear. Fear of not eating enough and being tired later. Fear of not feeling totally full. It is nice to be doing this regimen to get my brain out of that mindset. I actually felt great at the kid’s party I worked today, leading 20 3-year-olds around the Central Park Zoo, getting them to waddle like the penguins and jump like the snow leopards. I had all the energy I needed and wasn’t tired at all.

I am starting to see what a great time this is for me to do a cleanse. After the kid’s party I went to visit the house I’m moving into to meet the landlord. I revisited my soon-to-be room and decided that I’m definitely redoing the place. Painting, new carpet, and deep cleaning everything. Meanwhile in my current apartment I have been going through my things bit by bit. So as I physically and mentally clear out the gunk collected in my body by doing this cleanse, I am also doing this in my home, life, and mind. Perfect timing.

So, now I am off to work out for 20 minutes. I was scared to do this the other two days. What if I felt tired? Ha! I could always just get off of the treadmill. (Yet another fear!) Today I am feeling great so I’m going for it, and then I’m really gonna enjoy cooking my light dinner. Salmon, vegetables, and brown rice await! My mouth is watering so I better go and make this workout a reality.

So I am doing a cleanse. November 20, 2009

Yep. I’ve talked a lot about detoxing and never tried it for real. This seemed like a good time to go for it, because I don’t have many commitments over the next week, and it’s right before moving too. I don’t want to be the new girl in the house who can’t sit down and drink a glass of wine. (“I’ll just have water with lemon.”)

I have never done a fad diet. The closest I came was in college when my friend Christy and I had what we called, “Grapefruit Time.” When everyone else was snacking on pizza at night in between studying, we’d be eating grapefruit. And going to the gym everyday. I got my skinniest at this time. The thing is, I really like pizza. And I’m not a fan of the gym. So I got to my normal size months later, when I regularly gave in to “Pizza Time.”

Now I feel like all this goes against some of my core understandings about good health and nutrition. Limiting is not the way to go.

However I have always been very curious about doing a cleanse, or a detox, to see how I would feel physically, and to see how it would effect my health afterwards. Lots of people in my family have done this particular cleanse, called Isagenix. They all felt amazing afterwards and it kick-started some weight loss and great nutritional habits. I just decided, oh what the hell. This was about 3 weeks ago when I ordered it. I felt a little silly because it is actually expensive, but what’s done is done. Now I have to follow through with it!

So I started it on Wednesday. I wanted to post actually, but the first two days are the detox days where you just drink this special juice. You get six snacks. Basically, six raw almonds, throughout the day. So I really didn’t feel up to writing.

I felt OK during the day both days, and stayed in both nights. That was definitely the way to go. At night I was definitely getting cranky and hungry and would not have been able to say no to cajun cheese fries. Staying in also granted the opportunity to catch up on some must-see TV. (OH. How I love The Biggest Loser.)

I cheated and ate half an apple each day. I was feeling a little woozy and just that half an apple wouldn’t screw up the cleanse too badly. But this was more for the next day than it was for that moment. I had some things going on Thursday and today and didn’t want the wooziness to continue. (It would be best to do the detox days with absolutely nothing planned. Is this possible, EVER?) (Ah, ha! Already discovered something: an inability to slow down!)

It was the sleeping that was odd. I woke up several times each night while I was sleeping, to use the bathroom. (TMI? Well we’re talking about a cleanse here so you’re getting details.) ALSO—I was having CRAZY dreams. Not fun dreams, either. Negative ones! And they were so incredibly real. My cousin told me that the first two days are detox days, so it is natural to feel kind of bad. Your body is getting rid of gunk! I am not sure why most of the bad feeling part happened while sleeping! I think this may have to do with all the herbs that go into the shake. I’ve had some teas before that gave me wacky dreams, due to the nutty herbs they throw in those things.

(Note to self: Might be a good idea to research which herbs have odd effects on dreams and sleep.)

The next five days include these shakes, snacks, and one meal of 400-600 calories. I have been dreaming about a chicken salad for two days, and that’s definitely what I’m going for today. This morning I woke up, and I felt shaky and off feeling a bit. I think this had a lot to do with waking up throughout the nice, but whatever the case, I know that I needed to eat something. So I did. I just did. I had some steel cut oatmeal with cinnamon and also some almonds. I was supposed to have the shake for breakfast. But my body said it needed food, so food I gave it. I am not sure how the overall cleanse will be affected if I continue to cheat. So far, I have cheated each day, but they have been smart cheats. Apple. Oatmeal. Extra almonds. These are good things. But still, I am going to try and stick with the program as much as possible for the duration of it.

So, I’m going at all this with a grain of salt. I am not sure what to expect, and I’m not even totally sure if this is the best idea for me personally. Honestly I did not do my research, I just success stories said, “Count me in!!!” (Ah, that darn impulsive streak.) But you know what? I paid for it and if nothing else it will be an interesting learning experiment.

Also, let me add that I know I am not fat. UGH. I hate when people call themselves fat. I am petite, so the fact that I am even talking about weightloss may come off as irksome. But ideally, I would like to lose Texas 10 I gained this summer. (At one point I tried to attribute those 10 to bikram yoga. HAHA. That’s called, “In Denial.”) So obviously changing eating habits for a week will help out with that. Also this is supposed to be amazing for your liver. And, I do enjoy a whiskey, and a wine, so I am excited to really get my liver into optimum health. And maybe even toy with keeping it that way, and like, drinking in moderation!

And I’d just like to see what my relationship with food is like once I come out of this.

So, here goes this experiment!

Mmm Ice Cream Twix and American Spirit November 18, 2009

I think that since September, I have had tonight as some sort of end date in mind. If I can just make it to November 17, everything will be fine. Tonight we did a Pembroke and Lu show. Last week was my solo show. Creativity, especially creativity on stage, especially FUNNY creativity, has taken up more of my energy in the past year than I’ve experienced before. This is not to say that I have done a ton of stuff. Tons of my peers have got me on that one. It’s more to say that it takes more out of me now than it used to. Yesterday I ate an entire box of Crunch N’ Munch popcorn in one sitting. Also a whole bag of chips. Like, a big bag. This was while I was rehearsing with Rory. Well, that is—when I wasn’t eating, I was rehearsing. We were doing a lot of new stuff, and I had used up most of my audience vouchers the previous week for my show, so I think those two things created a big pit of anxiety. Crunch N’ Munch seemed liked the answer at the time. (The show went well though, despite the copious amount of caramel popcorn ingested 24 hours prior.)

I decided I wanted to do a solo show way back in February. (Well, actually I first wanted to do a solo show in 2003, in college. Didn’t finish. Then, 2008, at the PIT. Didn’t finish. I think last fall I wanted to give it one more go.) Anyways, when I began this one, I would have a ton of ideas, write them down, and then not look at them for two months. They hurt to look at. They felt uncomfortable. I liked the idea of what I wrote, but the thought of standing up and playing these various oddball characters made me want to squirm out of it.

But it was still this creative dream to do this show. It lingered around, so I knew I just had to do it. I would talk about it at work with friends there. That’s when I found out that Maia had done a lot of directing of solo work. We met for lunch one day, and she suggested that we just take what I had and go outside and play with it. Just have fun.

This is what opened the door for me to actually move forward with it. Just the idea that I could play, that I could take what I had written down and be 8 years old in the park creating characters freed me up. After that, I wrote and wrote and wrote. (It’s fitting that she later became my director, and was instrumental in the entire process.)

And then, yet again, several weeks went by where I could not look at it.

We continued sporadically working on it, and I decided the only way that I would complete this show was to have a date set to actually perform it.

That’s when I began referring to the project as “this fucking solo show.”

I resisted writing it. I did not want to. I felt completely self-conscious of my ideas. I had the entire month of September off, which would have been a great opportunity to focus on this show. But, nope. I sat at the computer and felt so much inner resistance to just writing something, anything. Something BAD, please, just anything! I couldn’t do it. I had to get up and walk away.

But there was a sinking feeling throughout the whole time that I was just putting off this thing I had to do. Why did I have to? I don’t know. Because it had been a dream to do it.

I felt self conscious reading my monologues to Maia (when I finally got around to rehearsing), and she had the genius to see what worked completely and what was just slightly off.

It’s the slightly off that will get you every time. There’s something good about this monologue, character, job/apartment/boy, but it doesn’t quite do the trick. I should like it, but I don’t. She was able to the slightly off for being off, and we ran with the character that worked.

That’s when the fun started.

I’ve done a lot of emotional eating lately. The weird thing is, I am not sure exactly what emotions I am trying to bottle up here. I also haven’t done yoga in almost 3 weeks. My joints ACHE. And the longer I wait, the harder it is to go back. But i find an excuse daily not to.

My latest treat is chocolate and cigarettes. At night, in this apartment. Okay, I’ve done it twice in the past week. Maybe it’s because I’m moving in a week and not allowed to smoke inside there. I like this rule. I don’t want the house to smell smoky. But it feels like pure decadence to sit down at the end of the night and eat a twix while smoking a cigarette. I don’t think I am even inhaling these things right, and the smoke keeps getting in my eyes. It is still a relaxing non-habit. Maybe I also feel so rebellious. I never ever smoke inside here. I may as well live it up before the next Phase of life begins.

But it’s the anxiety that is an issue. It’s a problem. My stomach has hurt for a couple of weeks. The night before my show I couldn’t sleep, because I was so excited. That was a happy place to be. And the night after my show, I slept so well. Like a baby. But besides that: just nervous energy.

So now I don’t have any major commitments for some time, and that feels really freeing. I’ve been freaking out over work and I’m making the command decision to just let it go for a week and give myself this free time to pack.

I can call twelve temp companies once I am settled into my new place. I can drop off my resume at 20 restaurants. It will be fine.

But I have been thinking a little about this blog, and about where I was mentally in July and August. It was safe then, to be in dreaming and hope mode. What would it be like if I could quit my job? What would I discover if I had a whole month without working? What could happen if I followed through on my desire to do this solo project? What if I moved?

I’m going from dream mode into just taking the chance mode and doing these things. I am not sure what materially I have to show for the changes I’ve made in my life. I still look at jobs and nothing REALLY excites me. A new career net did not appear. I did not exercise as much as I had wanted, and have managed to not exercise at all in nearly a month. Let’s not discuss money. You get the idea.

But I feel like this year for me has been me saying, “I’m not gonna wait for someone else to decide that it’s time for me to have X.” This is an idea I regularly live out when I see attractive boys. Some guy friends will tell me it’s a bad idea to go up to a guy—that’s his job. But you know what? I am not going to wait for someone to decide that I am attractive. If I see someone cute, I will talk to him. I can happily say I have had my share of interesting experiences, and rejections, and I feel bolder and more confident. Because I get it now—Being rejected is the worst thing that can happen, and you know what? It really isn’t that bad! Ha! It’s empowering!

By quitting my job and taking my time off I was saying, “I am not going to wait for my best life to happen to me. I am going to make it happen.” By actually following through on a dream of this show, I have now set myself creatively to move forward with a project that can merge multiple interests.

So, yeah, I’m broke.

I weigh 10 pounds more than I did a year ago.

I’m leaving my place in the center of Manhattan.

And I’m still not quite sure what career path to pursue, or how to pursue it.

But you know what? I like it this way. (Okay, not the 10 pounds part. Note to self: Next time you spend 2 months in Texas, don’t eat and drink like like Romans do.)

Maia told me this quote—I can’t remember where from—but a guy said this, “All i need in life in order to be happy is a good pair of walking shoes and a library card.”

That just sticks out so much to me, because when I quit thinking, analyzing, and worrying, I can see what an absolute blast I am having right now in my life, and I can recognize that some of these stomach pains come from pure excitement about what the future holds.

If I can simply give myself permission to not be anxious about the rest of the year, but simply embrace and enjoy this transition, and whatever querky job situation I can land, I think it’s going to be a great holiday season. Mentally and creatively, I feel set up for what the next season has to offer.

And I can’t wait to see what the next year holds.

frozen! November 16, 2009

I feel a bit frozen when I try and figure out what kind of job to get now. I really like the catering company I work for, but I am getting about two shifts a week right now and I need more work. So I’m looking at my schedule, with sporadic kids’ parties and catering work throughout the next month, and trying to figure out what to do next.

I know craigslist is not the best place to look for jobs anymore, but I still look. It feels depressing though. It is difficult to wade through it all and not find anything interesting or desirable. I gave up checking idealist.org, because the thing is I don’t want one of those real jobs, those demanding jobs. I want something that I can just go in and do, and work hard and stuff, but then leave, but also not want to stick a pen through my eye while I’m there.

A restaurant? Maybe. Could be fun. I made some great friends at my last job, and am so glad that I worked there. I worked with some crazy good awesome people. Who knows who I could meet at a new restaurant! The problem: They are hiring for the holidays. I.E., Goodbye, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years plans.

Babysitting? Maybe. I could create my own Kid Kits like Kristy and MaryAnn did. (For the boys: Babysitters Club reference.)

Part-time work at 4 places so I feel like I am in control of my schedule?

Full-time at one place so that I have regular work?

I sent emails and facebook notes out to some friends, just putting the feelers out there for part-time jobs, and a lot of great options and ideas came back.

I also went to a restaurant on Friday and was chatting with the waiter about how he liked working there. The owner overheard me and talked to me about working there. She said to write a note on my resume that we met so it would stick out.

There are a lot of options. Luckily. Thankfully! But I just don’t knoooooooooooooow which is best. (Waa. Yeah, that’s right. Waaa.)

Temping?

Retail?

Holiday stuff?

Events?

Do I quit my current jobs to do 1 full time job?

Do I search for under-the-table work so that I can go on unemployment after the catering season is over? (Definitely deleting sentence this in 12 hours.)

Should I open a booth up in Union Square? There is this guy there who has an advice booth. I would like to do that. I would be stealing his idea. But, ever heard of Pepsi? Seemed to work for Pepsi, following Coke’s lead.

DURRRRN.

DURRRRN.

I need to rent a uhaul and buy a ton of boxes. (money.)
Also, buy some new furniture for my new room!!! (money.)
Yeah, it’s time to get this job thing figured out.

I saw one posting on craigslist for a cupcake baker and decorator. It REALLY excited me. I gathered all my proofreading/writing/schmoozing skills and made one snazzy cover letter. I also made a little cupcake portfolio online. They didn’t call me, but it was just NICE to see a job job, like something that pays money, that EXCITED me.

Should I go back to Magnolia?

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

They are all like, 21-year-old FIT students.

Am I being dumb by posting all of this stuff on the Web?
Am I making this more difficult than it needs to be?
Does anyone want to buy my microwave?