you can put Baby in a corner, just not that one. March 31, 2009

I went to yoga on Friday. The class was relatively small. Some days, our mats are practically on top of each other. But this class was nice and roomy. I noticed a woman who came in after me who seemed very excited about all the options she had of where to put her mat down. She moved from spot to spot trying to find the perfect place. I actually heard her say, “Hmm… This spot looks cozy.” Uh oh. Cozy, eh? She came to bikram yoga and wants to get cozy. I don’t want to be sharing mirror space with someone who’s just looking to get cozy! Well, she ended up in front on me on the right side, and there was another woman to my left. We were a little triangle on our corner of the room.

After about 3 poses I realized this was Distraction Corner. These two women were seriously harshing my game. The teachers stress the importance of us staying together as a class, and even if we fall out of a pose, to respect those around us by remaining focused. Well, these two ladies missed the memo. They would give up in the middle of the pose, get down and fix the towels on their mats, drink some water… AH! They were driving me nuts. I started trying to give them the evil eye. (Yes it’s true. There I was in bikram yoga sending passive aggressive messages to my classmates.) I was giving Cozy Woman some mental messages (“Lady, you are effing with my flow!”) and I noticed she was looking at me too.

Have you ever made eye contact with someone in a mirror? It’s freaky. Well, I saw something familiar in her eyes. It was a look that I have seen in my own eyes right there in class, when I glance at the more experienced students around me. I realized that out of the three of us in this little corner, I was the one to glance at! In comparison to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, I was doing pretty darn well in my practice.

With a better look at her face, I noticed her age. She was quite a bit older. So was the other woman. I started to feel a bit of compassion for them. Perhaps they are new to this practice and making some serious changes to their lives. As hard as this is to do at 26, I imagine it’s doubly hard at 56. I felt bad for the nicknames I’d given the two of them in my head. (A little.)

I returned to yoga on Monday (after a weekend of some serious whiskey-ing) with the plan to begin some sort of detox. I was back in that same corner of the room, but this time I was in Serious Yogi Corner. I was surrounded by teachers and yogis who’d been practicing for years. I was determined to be a good classmate and to stay focused and concentrated even if I fell out of the pose or got tired. (Both of which happened.) What a gift it is to be able to practice bikram yoga beside such focused and determined yogis. I’ll take being the worst in the corner any day over being the best. I’d much prefer to be surrounded by those I can learn from and be inspired by.

I thought about performing at the PIT, and being part of the New York comedy scene. It’s so easy and so tempting to get caught up in what everyone else is doing, or to feel jealous of the success of people I am surrounded by. But would I prefer to be part of a community that I am the best there is? Definitely not. I don’t want to compare myself to Distraction Corner just to feel good about myself. I want to be pushed by Serious Yogi Corner. I have no doubt that many of the people I share the stage with on Wednesday nights will have their own television shows and movies one day. So instead of allowing fears and jealousies in, I want to celebrate and be inspired by the movement and success I see in other people’s lives, and be thankful that I surrounded by people with such concentration and determination in their path. And eventually, I will be one of the Serious Yogis that can encourage other people with my own determination and success.

I like dis. March 30, 2009

From One and Other

The Seven Components of Psychological Health
I answered the question: What are the 7 components of psychological health? on YahooAnswers.com.

1) Gilligan- Relaxation and Play
2) Jonas Grumby, the “Skipper”- Proper Diet
3) Eunice “Lovey” Wentworth Howell- Self Care & Pampering
4) Thurston Howell, III- Earning what you are worth
5) Ginger Grant- Sexual Self-Acceptance
6) Mary-Ann Summers – Humility
7) Roy Hinkley the “Professor”- Intellectual Stimulation

Let’s move a little chi. March 26, 2009

I may completely botch this up, as I am relatively new to Chinese medicine, but my understanding of acupuncture is that it all comes down to the movement of energy; of chi. That’s why heating pads are good for sore muscles or cramps—heat creates movement. There’s all sorts of stagnation in our chi and the needling is what helps the chi to move.

Here’s what I’m getting at: I’m looking at areas in my life that are stagnate and trying to metaphorically needle them to create some energy flow! One of these areas in my core thinking. I’m in a process of trying to shift my entire belief system. I am realizing that my biggest limitation that I have in my life comes down to my mindset. I’m used to not having much money, to working too much, and to the level of success that I have found in my life. Well damn! I’m ready to have money! To work less! To have awesome success!

I am starting to understand the idea of putting things out into the universe. A few months ago, I did an activity from The Artist’s Way: Write down 10 wishes in 7 different categories: health, leisure, possessions, career, spirituality, relationships, and creativity. Dreaming in some of these areas was easy. Some of the areas took more prodding. My thinking was stuck. I had to really push myself to claim some wishes. UMM… A commercial. Yes, I would like to book a commercial. YES, this is attainable!

As I was creating a wish list, my mind already had limits on what I could wish. No way—That one is too big! You’ll never do that. You’ll never follow through with that. Pick something more attainable. Come on, self! Just DREAM for a minute. Put it out there!

One of the wishes on my “possessions” list was shelves. I’d wanted some shelving in my apartment for the three years that I’d lived here. But the task had always been daunting to me. I didn’t know if shelving was allowed in my building. I am not very good with a drill. I also did not have said drill. I didn’t know how I would even find money in my budget to buy shelves! But, I wanted them. I wanted to see my books. I wanted to display all my baking supplies and my lovely tea pots. I wanted a place to put some flowers. So I put it on my list. Hey, universe! Could you throw me a bone with these shelves?

It was my mom’s idea to come visit me and help redo my little studio. Then my dad decided—what the heck—he’d join too. They bought the shelving, and my dad put it up in about 15 minutes. Done. A little present from George, St. Clair, and the universe.

I didn’t know how I would get the shelves up, and I certainly foresee my parents coming all the way up here and helping with it. It just started with writing it down and claiming what I wanted.

I think that there are some wishes on my list that I still don’t believe that I deserve or could achieve. But still, it is powerful to just have them all down on paper. Some part of me must believe that these wishes are attainable. I just have to keep needling away, trying to move some of that chi until the rest of me truly believes that I can have every wish on my list.

i like dis. March 25, 2009

We are always being advised to ‘know our limitations’ and to work within these. A lot of the time, though, we don’t know our limits – we only think we do. We draw up boundaries and borders based on some unreasonable assumption that fails to take account of our true potential. Worse, we let others define our limits. We restrict ourselves to whatever we think will please the people around us. You can go much further than you have been so far. You can achieve far more – and soon, you will.

(From my favorite astrology web site. Whether or not you get into astrology, those are some pretty hefty words of wisdom.)

Chit-chats by Lunch Menus and Ringing Phones March 25, 2009

Yesterday was especially slow at work. I messed up an order (in restaurant terms, I had a “waste” and had to throw out perfectly good food because I put the order in wrong) and broke a glass by the ice station. (Which means the barista had to burn all the ice down with hot water and the busser had to carry up huge buckets of ice from downstairs. Read: pain in ass.) My mind was elsewhere! On the street, with the bicycles. But I entertained myself by ditching my boring section and chatting with coworkers. I asked the hostess, Erica, about herself. “What’s your thing?” “Cooking,” she said. She told me the story of how she was working in fashion and coming home unhappy every day. What cheered her up was cooking dinner, as her boyfriend pointed out. So, she enrolled in culinary school and loved it.

I love what she said about how cooking was what makes her happy. I thought about what makes me happy, what really excites me. I think it is all this stuff—personal breakthroughs. That’s what really excites me. Having “aha!” moments and hearing about other people’s. Actually, more than that, I find it thrilling! I get frustrated sometimes about spending so much of my time these days working in a restaurant, but it’s actually a great opportunity to get to know people I never would have met otherwise, to hear the stories of writers, photographers, graphic novelists, people working on getting in to grad school or med school, and a whole range of actors. Maybe I’ll write a book about everything I’m learning from my chats with coworkers. Life Lessons Learned Over Napkin Folding… or Trials of Life Traded in the Server Station… or The Chats We Had While Waiting For That Cappucino…

a burger on a white flour bun with french fries and beer March 22, 2009

The restaurant I work at is perfect for dates. It’s located right one of the most picturesque corners of the West Village. And ya know, if I have to be at a job somewhere, at least I am a part of life. I can look outside and see cobblestone streets and groups walking around bar-hopping. Within walking distance is a trendy club, frat-boy happy bar, and a gay bar. There’s always some interesting scenery.

But anyways—dates. I generally work weekends, either in the evenings or in the hell that is brunch. When I work Saturday night and then brunch Sunday morning, often I will serve dinner to a couple Saturday night and then serve their post-coital omlettes and hashbrowns Sunday. Kind of hilarious. But I have realized that I never go out to eat like this. The couples come in and start with some sort of vodka-infused champagne cocktail and a plate of calamari. Next they move on to a bottle of red wine to go with their entrees: perhaps short ribs or the steak frites. Don’t get me started on the frites! MMM those frites! Of course at the end of the meal, when they are tipsy and full, they share a chocolate torte and have dessert wine or espressos with sambuca. By then they are canoodling under the table. And I orchestrate the whole event! You’re welcome, lovers! Have a good night! I’m sure you will…

Damn this place makes me want to go on a good date! I don’t know that I’ve ever had a date like the ones I see every night at the restaurant. The whole shebang from cocktails to post-cocktails. (Heh). But really, I realize I don’t even go out like this with girlfriends. I love going out to eat and I never do it. I guess the only nights I have off I am usually either rehearsing, performing, or going to someone else’s show. Which I love doing! But man—I need some FUN. I need some fun that is not connected to performing or growing in any way. Actually, I met with Dion the other day, who I am working with to get where I want to be, and one thing on my to-do list is FRIVOLITY! I actually had to get an assignment to have some frivolous fun. Yikes!

Well, I also love going to the movies. The last time I had been to the movies was to see Vicky Christina Barcelona with my friend Karen. I actually felt like we were in high school, because I so rarely go to movies with friends and giggle in the theater. It was so fun! But guess what—I had to leave early because that night my improv group was guest bartending. So, the only time I could find time to go to a movie, I didn’t even stay for the whole thing! I had to ask Karen to fill me in on the end. LAME.

So, yesterday, my big plan was to go see I Love You, Man. I didn’t think this movie looked all that great, but it was just a fun movie. It was very important that I picked a movie that I wanted to see for pure fun—no inspiration, deep thoughts, or growth allowed. Also: snacks. Snacks were a key factor in the whole operation. I was so excited at Duane Reade to pick out some snacks. Hmm… Milk duds? No, I don’t want Milk Duds. Do I want Reece’s Pieces? I always loved Reece’s Pieces. Peanut butter, mmm! Or Sour Patch Kids! YEAH!! No… no… not those. Almond M&M’s? YES. Deliciousness. And pringles. And a cadbury egg. Hee hee hee hee!

You know, it’s a good indication that I need to have frivolous fun much much more often, because I had way too much fun just picking out junk food. Imagine if I added in a few friends to this equation. The possibilities are endless.

I get so caught up in working hard in order to increase the quality of my daily life. But I forget about one of the most immediate ways to up the quality—good old-fashioned FUN.

This couple came in on Friday night. The woman ordered a tuna burger. She wanted salad instead of fries. Okay, fine… I won’t hold that against her. “Do you have anything healthier than the bun?” WHAT?? You can’t even enjoy a BURGER? So she had a tuna burger on multigrain toast. TOAST. A burger. On toast. And to drink? “Mint tea.” MINT TEA?! Have a beer!!! Or at least a lemonade. (Maybe she’s pregnant?!) I thought she was ridiculous for going out to eat on a Friday night, and limiting herself so much.

But at least she got to the table… Geez. Right now, my life is a tuna burger on toast. Before I judge her, I really need to put myself in her shoes. Then, I need to walk into a restaurant with a couple friends, get a table, and sit down. Then, I will order some calamari, the short ribs—no wait—maybe the steak! Yeah, mmm… the steak. Or perhaps the chicken. Which wine would go best? Maybe I’ll have a cocktail! Yeah! Grey Goose martini… straight up!

You gotta talk to this thing. March 18, 2009

I walked into work on Friday and Matt, the manager, said “Hi!” And I gave him one look and he said, “What’s wrong.” We went outside to talk. That man can read me like a book! It wasn’t just that I was sick. I was upset. I had been sick for three weeks. Right before I left for work I had a little rant in my room. Similar to this, “I’M GONNA BE SICK FOREVER! AND NOW I HAVE TO GO TO WORK! AND I HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW, AND THE NEXT DAY, AND THE NEXT. HOW AM I EVER GONNA GET BETTER! WAHHHH!” So I carried all of that in with me to work. Matt sent me home and got my shift covered for the next day. Thankfully. I wasn’t able to get the shift covered myself but it was what I really needed in order to get better. He told me to drink some tea, take a bath, and talk to this thing. Obviously my body is trying to tell me something. Two weeks ago it spoke to me through an incredible upper back pain and now it’s speaking to me through a sinus infection. We need to find some better ways to communicate.

They say great stand-up comedians spend 7 nights a week at shows working on their material, even for 1 or 2 people in the audience. When I was performing regularly with Pembroke and Lu, doing shows sometimes for very very small crowds, I didn’t feel like it was always worth it. I would rather spend a night out with friends having drinks or going to a movie than doing a small show in a shitty venue. I feel like that goes against the comedian mantra. I mean, the joy should be in just having the opportunity to perform, right? Working your ass off to get where you want to be? Maybe… But we decided to take some time off for the past couple of months. To me, it’s been like a savasana. That’s the “corpse pose” in yoga. In a bikram yoga class, this teacher whom I absolutely love always says that savasana is the most important pose of all yoga. To be able to rest completely is how you receive all of the benefits of your hard work. You lie completely still on your back, and do your best to just be there in that moment and not be planning and plotting and worrying. It’s wonderful.

So, it’s interesting to me, because during our time off where we weren’t promoting or playing or doing anything, we were offered a paying gig at FIT. It seems like taking a PB & Lu savasana actually led to us being able to receive some benefits of our hard work performing! It also re-energized us to do more writing and think about some goals for the future. And, it was fun. 

I think this 3-week-long sickness and back pain was my body telling me I needed to take a break. I needed to lay in bed and watch Woody Allen movies all weekend, drink tea, take baths and relax. That’s what I did. It was pretty wonderful. And I’m starting to get bettter–YAY! Now I just have to find a way to relax regularly! To really relax, 100%. I feel guilty sometimes about being lazy and sitting around watching movies. But–it’s very important. If I don’t make time to watch episodes of LOST back-to-back, then I may end up with a cramp in my leg in a week. I am making a commitment to do that more, to read more USweekly, and to take more naps. For my health!

Intro… Steven Spielberg, cue the orchestra. March 13, 2009

I’m taking a clown class from Eric Davis. I thought it would come so naturally to me. I was always cast as the clowns in classical plays in college. And, I’m a SILLY BILLY. But, surprise surprise! It has not been easy at all! And, actually some of the comments I’m getting from Eric are making me think about a whole lot more than just the way I perform. One thing he said was, “Blue, I think you have trouble committing.” I immediately went back to me at 8 years old—ballet (quit), tap (quit), piano (quit). (And so on…) I tried quitting the band in the 7th grade but luckily my band teacher really gave me a hard time about it. So then I had to decide between my desire to quit and my desire to please and the desire to please won out. (That flute came in handy many years later…) I thought about all the shows I’ve workshopped and not followed through on. Or the jobs I’ve had in NY: bookstore clerk, cupcake icer (thankuverymuch), proofreader, kids’ party leader, costumed character, one of those actors in hospitals that pretends you have a disease (UTI), personal assistant, caiter waiter, and currently: regular waiter. DAMN. I think Eric may be on to something.

Then, this week, he said that it seemed like I didn’t allow myself to completely feel emotions, that I moved on to other impulses before fully feeling the first feeling. (Also, Ferdinand felt fearful of fancy fur footballs.)

Now this one was a bit of a doozy for me. But I cry! I’m a great crier! Yeah, so? He challenged me to get really pissed off onstage or to give in to complete jubilance. I realized that crying had actually become a safe place for me. When I was a kid, crying would get my mother to comfort me. And, (the doozies continue…) I thought about when I cry as an adult woman. Often this is in relationships. When the tears start to flow, the man I am with offers up his comfort to me as well. DOUBLE DAMN! I’m not out there being vulnerable—I’m playing it safe! Comfort me, audience!

I think these tears are also the result of my blocking more painful emotions, like anger, jealousy, or bitterness. Is my desire for happiness blocking my basic human need to just… feel? Do I run from pain? Yes. As I’m learning in class, this is hampering me as an actor. If I can’t get in touch what I actually experience—what I think and feel—how can I attempt to recreate a character’s emotion onstage? More importantly, it’s hampering my life, my basic human experience!

No more running from pain. No more subconscious pleads for comfort. I want to get the most out of this life, and I want to offer more freedom to my SELF to be exactly who I am, and feel whatever it is I feel. As I mentioned when I guest blogged for Jen’s blog, I have recently dived in to so many resources that are aiding me in my journey towards self-awareness and improvement. I hope that by opening up, and getting a little vulnerable with the world wide world, I can take it to the next level. And, hopefully, connect with people out there who are in similar places.

Now I just need to get some people to read this durn thing.