Did the Yankees win last night? I have no idea, but I did hear various screaming in or outside the building as I was drifting to sleep at 8:30 p.m. (That new jacket did not ward off the first winter cold.) But those noises mean they were doing well, right?
It’s oddly comforting to hear the people on the street yelling during some sort of parade, or to hear the ambulances drive by. Yes, that is crazy. After living here for almost 4 years, you get used to the quirks of living in Times Square and the weird things that come with it. (I can ALMOST walk to the train without getting angry. I mean, I’ve built up a pretty good tolerance for swimming through the filthy waters on Broadway.)
As I am seriously looking at moving now, I am realizing that this place has become my security, although not in the sense of it feeling like the coziest home. It is cheap. It is in Manhattan. I pretty much was thinking I would be here until I moved out of New York! Living out there in real apartments is scary. People pay upwards of $800 a month! $900, $1000, $2000! Will I ever be able to afford living alone again?
I’m realizing that I have been preparing to be broke, forever. If I stay in this cheap building forever because it is cheap, it is me saying, “I don’t need to ever make money!” I’m cool with just getting by! I’m realizing that the job quitting thing in September wasn’t incredibly risky for me because I have had many jobs in New York, and had to do the uncomfortable quitting conversation many times before. (It’s not you, it’s me!) I’ve been able to build up a wide range of skills at all my various odd jobs over the years, so I’ll find something! But to leave Manhattan! To leave my studio? Yikes! Will they let me back in? Will I want back in? Will I like Brooklyn? Will I like having roommates?
Or, what about those nights when I have one too many whiskeys? I said this the other night, thinking about taking a long train ride home, drunk (or, extra tipsy, as I like to think of it). One friend said, “You’ll get used to it. Everyone else deals with it.” Another said, “You could consider drinking in moderation.” Uh-huh.
Well, the thing is, I won’t know what life will be like until I go there and live it. It is tempting to hold on to this place for forever because it is safe. But once I allowed the thought in that said, “This doesn’t really work for me anymore,” well—it’s time to give something else a go!
So! Okay! Yeah! Let’s keep this rollin!
