the breaking point December 19, 2009

I have found that I have been spending very little time on the computer over the past few weeks. You can tell by the way it looks around here! I feel like I am running around a lot. I put it out there a while ago that I was available for part-time odd jobs, and bit by bit they have floated in over the past month. And now that I’m a commuter I find myself leaving in the morning and coming home later at night on lots of days.

It’s really nice actually. A long time habit of mine has been to aimlessly be on the computer, endlessly checking my email and Facebook. Often I would get stuck doing that and have to force myself to go outside or something else. I think this also has to do with the fact that in my small studio, my computer was always starting at me. “Check me! There may be an email! A friend request! A new picture tagged! I bet there is a boy out there who you like who’s in photos with pretty girls so let’s wallow in that for a while! C’mon…”

So, that is my excuse for not posting very often.

Right now it is snowing like crazy. I love the quiet stillness that the snow brings.

I wanted to share a little of something I wrote when I was cleansing! I was on my next-to-last day of detoxing (the night before Thanksgiving), and I passed the point of hunger to where I didn’t feel hungry anymore. It was a really exciting thing for me to experience because it made me feel like I had passed the breaking point. I realized that this is a huge challenge for me in almost every area of my life. When things get really tough, I get scared and back down. But if you can push through that point, things actually get easier and you get great breakthroughs.

It was the first time for me that I had really detoxed, so it was a big deal for me. I didn’t know how my body would react to not eating food. (Except 6 almonds.)

I’m going to preface this and say that I didn’t have Internet at this point due to moving, so I just wrote on my computer because I needed to write, without considering whether I’d post it or not.

And I’m not gonna edit it either, because it’s all the stuff that came up!

So here’s this thing I wrote.

The breaking point.
Today is my detox day.
It was fine until about 5 pm when i started to get cranky.
I ran a bunch of errands this afternoon while my energy was up and brain was thinking clearly.

This time, I have not cheated. I have had my six alloted snacks.
(Read: 4 chewy “snack” tablets that look like Tums but taste better, and two raw almonds.)

I rented 5 movies from the library.
I don’t have Internet.
My head feels fuzzy. My face looks bloated.

This cleanse has been good for me, because of many reasons.
One is that, I often treat myself with food.
“I deserve this.”
“I deserve a cookie.”
“I worked hard, I deserve fries with cheese.”

This is how I reward myself.

You know what I deserve?

To feel like a million bucks, all the time.
This is not possible.
However, this is the starting point I want to be at on a regular basis, and swerve from there because I am making allowances for LIFE.

Okay—at least that’s my starting point. Emotions are good to have, sometimes I will feel down or depressed. 
But I’m talking physically.

I’m tired of having gas.
Yeah, I said that.
I’m tired of waking up hungover, more than once or twice a month. I’m tired of thinking I have to drink a certain amount to have the maximum fun. I’m tired of my social life controlling how I treat my body. I am tired of regularly experiencing guilt as I attempt to regulate want my child wants and what my grown up thinks I should have.
PEOPLE. Let’s work together here!

DAMN. I know how to DANCE. I know how to LAUGH. I have amazing people in my life to laugh and dance with.

And I won’t block my insecurities with alcohol.

I want to pass the breaking point in my life, in my life’s patterns, in my mental battle with going to the next level. It’s so fuzzy right now in my brain that I am having trouble hearing all the naysayers in my head, telling me a shouldn’t write this. What if people look at me in the bar? What about if I do overdrink? Or if I don’t at all? 

And they all know my secrets!
SHH…

Don’t tell anyone at Mustang Sally’s, okay?
I don’t want anyone to expect anything of me.
That would be, like HORRIBLE.

And really, I am done with dumb boys.

New resolution: I will only buy a dress that makes me feel awesome. When I can afford it.
I will only flirt with boys who make me feel awesome.
The real awesome. Authentic awesome.
I will only eat food that makes me feel awesome.
Sometimes this is cheese. When I can afford it.

But I am not going to block anxiety, or pain, or fear, (My three BIG ONES) those feelings with food, or even with tears.
Back when I took Eric Davis’s class last January, it was extremely frustrating. I came out, and tried to connect with the audience as my clown. I was bawling, and crying. He didn’t buy it. “I’m such a good cryer though! I am being emotionally open!” When the tears had faded, the real stuff could come up. I was scared to be out there. I remember looking down at that moment.

He said, “When you want to look down, look up.”

That’s when you are real. All the real gunk. That’s the good stuff. Let it come up! It needs to!

I wasn’t! I was using tears to block everything.

Then when I found my character for the [solo] show, [when] I found my vulnerability. It is in revealing who I truly am, all the SHIT underneath the big smile. Just to be myself! Amped up, trying so hard to create the life I desire, but revealing that is who I am. I think I try so hard sometimes that it scares the proper events from just taking place.

And that’s when I had fun.

One part of the self that I discovered in September was my inner child. This child did not wanna do ANYTHING. It was having temper tantrums all over the place, until I finally said: “Okay, what do YOU want to do?”

I have been, since then, trying to honor that child. I think for a long time, I was a very strict parent. So much that, I couldn’t hear what it wanted anymore. I heard many other voices. My mind had taken over and decided what I wanted. The child was huffy in a corner and did not like any decisions.

I really wanted to get a career out of my month off.

Instead, I got FUN.

And I got CREATIVE breakthroughs.

And I got a new HOME that is going to be a true abode.

And I developed new and strong RELATIONSHIPS.

And right now I am developing better HEALTH.

I always return to Julia Cameron’s idea of the 7 areas of life: creativity, health, possessions, leisure, relationships, career, and spirituality.

It seems like I am continually pushed to work on all these other areas first, that I didn’t even realize I was not fully embracing, because all I could ever think about was, “What the heck am I doing? How am I gonna support myself? WELL? I want to make great money and do something I love? Do I have to do one million more shows to make that happen? Does it have to be acting?”

The answer is: I don’t care, I just want to be happy! I am not married to being an actor. I am married to living a joyful, full life.

stop PUSHING for an answer, and just LIVE, and explore, until I find the career dress that makes me feel awesome, and is within my budget.

So that’s when I continued with the ever present journey towards a full life.

And now I am understanding that I need to raise my inner child a bit better.

I need to give the child ample room to play, and to work with the child in finding joy, but this child is not going to run the ship. Neither is my mind.

Just: me. Just, my true essential self.

I am making deals with myself for the new year:
My reward for hard work will not be overstuffing myself, or not exercizing.

If I want to eat too much, that will just be a decision I make.
If I want to not exercise, then I will do that, but it will not come from an inner fit.

I am going to deal with the inner fits as they come up.

I’m also going to try daily to do something really crazy: Not Worry About This “Career” thing. That is just another block!
I am going to explore, and I’m going to eat great meals from my local, cheap grocery store.

I am going to live within my pants means, and within my financial means, WHILE allowing myself freedom to live life and explore.

I am going to let the emotions rise to the top, whatever they be, look them in the face, and deal with them.

It’s okay to feel painful things. It’s not okay to stuff them down with blocks.

All the different characters in my own woman-show over here are gonna start working together to make one really great theatrical experience.

I was lucky enough to get some commercial auditions, and I got two callbacks in two weeks.

They were really fun, too!

The directors both had me go back and try different things, they laughed, they said, “thanks elizabeth,” “really nice,” etc.

I began to separate myself emotionally from my career defining me.

And now I have had this great process of separating myself emotionally from my eating habits.

I hope to God this is not a week at church camp, where I go home and fall back into the same patterns.

I want to create the newest, best patterns for my life,
in the kindest, most wonderful way.

The only limits you have are the ones you put on yourself!
Someone said that once, I’m sure.

I am not limiting myself by giving into emotional up and downs.

When I feel sad or angry, my options are not:
-buying stuff
-eating stuff
-researching therapists/doctors/life coaches/ yoga studios/spiritual guides.
-call a friend/family crying

My options are:
-go outside
-take a nap
-write
-cry
-throw things
-kick things
-let whatever tantrum out that the child needs out, and then closely examine where it came from.
-and DEAL with that area!

Time to be my own life coach! Which is great, because I love working with a life coach.
This saves me money. Plus, I know everything that I need, and I know everything I want.

I am getting rid of the shit clogging up my pores.

I threw it all out.
Why did I have makeup I owned 5 years ago?
I don’t want that stuff on my face!

I am getting rid of the mental patterns clogging up my life.
Obviously I developed them through time to deal with life.

But I don’t wear lipstick from five years ago. I’m not going to wear the mental or emotional coats I used to wear either.

I have grown them out!

So I am tossing that out! Not even giving them to good will. I don’t want someone else to pick up morning anxiety, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of losing friends, fear of alienating people. I don’t want someone else to pick the kind of guys who want want anything from me emotionally but can allow me to remain a victim of rejection. It’s soo safe there! I am safe in that pain.

Nope, I’m not doing that stuff!
Good bye, boys!
Good bye , stupid bartenders!
Good bye, dime-a-day musician!
Good bye, “cutest guy in the club”. Bring me that dorky one who looks really uncomfortable. You look… NICE.

I am starting to find I am very interested in nice boys.

That’s a really exciting place to be.

Nice boys might like me back!
YIKES!

So, here I am, a few weeks later. As usual, I set my sights very high on how I wanted to live, eat, act, etc. And I did go to the other extreme for a couple of weeks after the cleanse. Whiskey and giant bags of Doritos were consumed and enjoyed. And lots of delicious sweets. And it all caught up to me last Saturday afternoon. I just felt completely exhausted from running around, the move, and my diet being all over the place. So i did a little one-day cleanse on Sunday, having two of the Isagenix shakes and a light meal, staying off caffeine and sugar. It helped me kick back into gear with really listening to my body. Gently. And so now, after going from one extreme to another extreme and back, NOW i feel ready to kindly, gently listen to my body’s needs and balance them with my taste bud’s wants.

The things my head have understood for a little while as far as boys go are finally traveling down to my heart, in regards to who I have chosen to date or how I have chosen to present myself when I’m out having fun or at the bar with friends. I’m really good at seeming like a care-free confident New York lady but the truth is I do want more than some short-term interaction just to occupy my ego or entertain me for the time being.

Martha Beck calls it your inner self, and Wayne Dyer calls it your essential self, some may say your higher self and others, God, but I believe there is a place inside each one of us that has all the answers we need and immediately knows if something is good for us or not. Wayne Dyer talks a lot about the “knowing.” I am starting to have more confidence in the things I “know.” Not believe, know.

I feel like with the new year coming in, I am entering into a new phase of life. I am learning to deal with my anxieties and the things I want in my life without letting them take over the present moment.

WIth all the career stuff, the wanting and fears and finally letting go, finding a way to detach my self worth from my success is proving to be essential. I’m starting to discover some things out there that I do enjoy doing that I can make money from! I won’t lay out my ideas here, but I will tell you something I did this week. I taught a cupcake lesson! And got paid for it! We baked and made icing and decorated. I had fun, and laughed, and helped someone, and, got paid for it. Sweet.

Mmm Ice Cream Twix and American Spirit November 18, 2009

I think that since September, I have had tonight as some sort of end date in mind. If I can just make it to November 17, everything will be fine. Tonight we did a Pembroke and Lu show. Last week was my solo show. Creativity, especially creativity on stage, especially FUNNY creativity, has taken up more of my energy in the past year than I’ve experienced before. This is not to say that I have done a ton of stuff. Tons of my peers have got me on that one. It’s more to say that it takes more out of me now than it used to. Yesterday I ate an entire box of Crunch N’ Munch popcorn in one sitting. Also a whole bag of chips. Like, a big bag. This was while I was rehearsing with Rory. Well, that is—when I wasn’t eating, I was rehearsing. We were doing a lot of new stuff, and I had used up most of my audience vouchers the previous week for my show, so I think those two things created a big pit of anxiety. Crunch N’ Munch seemed liked the answer at the time. (The show went well though, despite the copious amount of caramel popcorn ingested 24 hours prior.)

I decided I wanted to do a solo show way back in February. (Well, actually I first wanted to do a solo show in 2003, in college. Didn’t finish. Then, 2008, at the PIT. Didn’t finish. I think last fall I wanted to give it one more go.) Anyways, when I began this one, I would have a ton of ideas, write them down, and then not look at them for two months. They hurt to look at. They felt uncomfortable. I liked the idea of what I wrote, but the thought of standing up and playing these various oddball characters made me want to squirm out of it.

But it was still this creative dream to do this show. It lingered around, so I knew I just had to do it. I would talk about it at work with friends there. That’s when I found out that Maia had done a lot of directing of solo work. We met for lunch one day, and she suggested that we just take what I had and go outside and play with it. Just have fun.

This is what opened the door for me to actually move forward with it. Just the idea that I could play, that I could take what I had written down and be 8 years old in the park creating characters freed me up. After that, I wrote and wrote and wrote. (It’s fitting that she later became my director, and was instrumental in the entire process.)

And then, yet again, several weeks went by where I could not look at it.

We continued sporadically working on it, and I decided the only way that I would complete this show was to have a date set to actually perform it.

That’s when I began referring to the project as “this fucking solo show.”

I resisted writing it. I did not want to. I felt completely self-conscious of my ideas. I had the entire month of September off, which would have been a great opportunity to focus on this show. But, nope. I sat at the computer and felt so much inner resistance to just writing something, anything. Something BAD, please, just anything! I couldn’t do it. I had to get up and walk away.

But there was a sinking feeling throughout the whole time that I was just putting off this thing I had to do. Why did I have to? I don’t know. Because it had been a dream to do it.

I felt self conscious reading my monologues to Maia (when I finally got around to rehearsing), and she had the genius to see what worked completely and what was just slightly off.

It’s the slightly off that will get you every time. There’s something good about this monologue, character, job/apartment/boy, but it doesn’t quite do the trick. I should like it, but I don’t. She was able to the slightly off for being off, and we ran with the character that worked.

That’s when the fun started.

I’ve done a lot of emotional eating lately. The weird thing is, I am not sure exactly what emotions I am trying to bottle up here. I also haven’t done yoga in almost 3 weeks. My joints ACHE. And the longer I wait, the harder it is to go back. But i find an excuse daily not to.

My latest treat is chocolate and cigarettes. At night, in this apartment. Okay, I’ve done it twice in the past week. Maybe it’s because I’m moving in a week and not allowed to smoke inside there. I like this rule. I don’t want the house to smell smoky. But it feels like pure decadence to sit down at the end of the night and eat a twix while smoking a cigarette. I don’t think I am even inhaling these things right, and the smoke keeps getting in my eyes. It is still a relaxing non-habit. Maybe I also feel so rebellious. I never ever smoke inside here. I may as well live it up before the next Phase of life begins.

But it’s the anxiety that is an issue. It’s a problem. My stomach has hurt for a couple of weeks. The night before my show I couldn’t sleep, because I was so excited. That was a happy place to be. And the night after my show, I slept so well. Like a baby. But besides that: just nervous energy.

So now I don’t have any major commitments for some time, and that feels really freeing. I’ve been freaking out over work and I’m making the command decision to just let it go for a week and give myself this free time to pack.

I can call twelve temp companies once I am settled into my new place. I can drop off my resume at 20 restaurants. It will be fine.

But I have been thinking a little about this blog, and about where I was mentally in July and August. It was safe then, to be in dreaming and hope mode. What would it be like if I could quit my job? What would I discover if I had a whole month without working? What could happen if I followed through on my desire to do this solo project? What if I moved?

I’m going from dream mode into just taking the chance mode and doing these things. I am not sure what materially I have to show for the changes I’ve made in my life. I still look at jobs and nothing REALLY excites me. A new career net did not appear. I did not exercise as much as I had wanted, and have managed to not exercise at all in nearly a month. Let’s not discuss money. You get the idea.

But I feel like this year for me has been me saying, “I’m not gonna wait for someone else to decide that it’s time for me to have X.” This is an idea I regularly live out when I see attractive boys. Some guy friends will tell me it’s a bad idea to go up to a guy—that’s his job. But you know what? I am not going to wait for someone to decide that I am attractive. If I see someone cute, I will talk to him. I can happily say I have had my share of interesting experiences, and rejections, and I feel bolder and more confident. Because I get it now—Being rejected is the worst thing that can happen, and you know what? It really isn’t that bad! Ha! It’s empowering!

By quitting my job and taking my time off I was saying, “I am not going to wait for my best life to happen to me. I am going to make it happen.” By actually following through on a dream of this show, I have now set myself creatively to move forward with a project that can merge multiple interests.

So, yeah, I’m broke.

I weigh 10 pounds more than I did a year ago.

I’m leaving my place in the center of Manhattan.

And I’m still not quite sure what career path to pursue, or how to pursue it.

But you know what? I like it this way. (Okay, not the 10 pounds part. Note to self: Next time you spend 2 months in Texas, don’t eat and drink like like Romans do.)

Maia told me this quote—I can’t remember where from—but a guy said this, “All i need in life in order to be happy is a good pair of walking shoes and a library card.”

That just sticks out so much to me, because when I quit thinking, analyzing, and worrying, I can see what an absolute blast I am having right now in my life, and I can recognize that some of these stomach pains come from pure excitement about what the future holds.

If I can simply give myself permission to not be anxious about the rest of the year, but simply embrace and enjoy this transition, and whatever querky job situation I can land, I think it’s going to be a great holiday season. Mentally and creatively, I feel set up for what the next season has to offer.

And I can’t wait to see what the next year holds.

miracle year, miracle thinking October 6, 2009

This is a great article from the same lady I linked below, Pamela Skillings, a career coach and adjunct NYU professor: Genius Career Advice from Einstein—Is This Your Miracle Year?

In 1905, Albert Einstein wrote a series of papers that changed our view of the universe forever. Historians refer to Einstein’s 1905 as annus mirabilis, the miracle year. In one year, Einstein discovered the special theory of relativity, the quantum theory of light, and the groundbreaking equation E = mc2 (and these are just the highlights…read more about Einstein’s Miracle Year).

He did all of this while working a 40-hour week as a clerk in the Swiss patent office. For those in career transition, the most interesting part of this story is what Einstein was doing before 1905. [read on...]

This is so interesting! And encouraging. I often find little pieces of paper from my old dupe pad from the restaurant job lying around. In between waiting on people little ideas would dawn on me. It really can be pretty powerful to be spending time putting your energy into one place and then see what continually pops up into your mind…

Whether you are working 40 hours at a survival job every week, or maybe 30 hours doing random part-time gigs, all that time can be used for you. I think the trap I often fall into is feeling so overwhelmed by everything I’d like to get done, or feel like I need to get done, in order to ever be “free” of work that really feels like work.

This Steve Pavlina article, “Feeling Blessed,” has a nice take on this. Rather than focusing on what you don’t have, he says to focus on what really excites you. I’ve been doing this lately and it has felt much more positive.

wish lists. October 5, 2009

I went back to a journal from a year ago. I have a giant box full of journals that I have written in since I moved here. I thought it would be interesting to check out a notebook from last year when I did The Artist’s Way.

I regularly update my seven lists. I first did this because it was an activity in The Artist’s Way but found it to be a really neat tool. The challenge is to write 10 things you desire in seven categories: Health, Possessions, Leisure, Relationships, Creativity, Career, and Spirituality.

I remember the first time I did these lists. They were HARD. I was not used to thinking in these terms. It’s scary to want things that you might not get.

But if you don’t know what you want, it makes it really tough to go out and get it!

And it is very fun to go back and write giant checks by something you achieve in one of those categories.

When I did this last year, under possessions, I had written “new sheets.” And this year, around my birthday, I was updating my lists, and I noticed that I had written “new sheets” under possessions once again.

I don’t know exactly what I was waiting for to get these sheets. (An extra $50 lying around perhaps.) But they were obviously important to me, since they were 1 of 10 thing I desired to possess.

Sheets aren’t just going to fly out of the air into my lap.

All I have to do is walk to the store and purchase them.

I mean, some of the items on these lists aren’t so easily in my reach. “Manhattan Loft” is a little more far-fetched. “European Vacation” is a tad more expensive. But damn—I can do sheets.

It’s just a matter of DOING IT.

But the universe will certainly lend you a hand nonetheless. My parents offered to treat me to a new outfit for my birthday. (They really are the best.) And I decided, I’m going to get these damn sheets!

So, you have all the power within you.

But, aside from sheets, there are plenty of goals or dreams on those lists that have been hanging around for some time.

I think those are GIANT CLUES as to what kind of actions need to be taken.

It’s exciting to see “rock climbing” in there and say, OOH! I did that!
Or “Trapezing.” YEAH!

No one was going to trapeze for me though!
I had to find it online, research it, pay for it, and set that up! And then the whole going there and walking up the scary shaky ladder and taking a big old JUMP.

It’s another reminder that “it’s all within yourself.” All the secrets to your own happiness are right there within you.

day 29. Happy Time. September 30, 2009

Well, my 30 days are wrapping up! Here I am on Day 29.

I started out the month with a desire to achieve some material goals. I wanted to find some work that I enjoyed doing, and make some money doing it! I wanted to open myself to passions outside of performing, knock on some doors, and see what could happen. I wanted to create the flow I desired for my life, so that at the end of the month I could just coast along.

Then the month started and I spent most of the whole first week freaking out at what I’d set up for myself. I was focusing on the end product and all my fears were that I’d accomplish nothing and be stuck at Square 1 at the end of the month.

So I let go of the end product. Then, I let go of my three activities I had planned for myself (do 1 fun thing a day, 1 work-related thing, and exercise daily). It was stressing me out majorly to attempt to do all three of those.

I was not having any fun!

(Funnily enough, here I am at Day 29, and I am realizing that I will have done those three things today! I started the day with a nice run outside. (Okay—a run/walk. ) I got lots of writing done and rehearsing for my solo project. I ate wonderfully healthy and delicious food. And soon I’ll head out to hang with my improv buds! Check, check, and check!)

I am realizing that what I have gained this month is something that will carry me through, whether I am working at a restaurant or doing a cool writing project for a publication of some sort. This time off has given me the opportunity to reconnect with what I love about this city.

And heck, what I love about being alive.

Yup.

My favorite pair of days began with the morning I ditched the work I had planned and headed to the movies with a chocolate pastry, and later spent the afternoon in a daze, trying out everything available to me at the farmer’s market. And the next afternoon I laid under the trees for about five hours and then saw my new favorite band live for the third time in a week.

That = Happy Time.

Part of the impetus for quitting my job and taking a month off was my five-year anniversary of moving to New York City. I was flooded with doubt in myself about where I was and where I “should” be. Once I started to let go of that pressure, I really began to enjoy life in this city. The trees and parks and waterfalls (yeah! east midtown!) were extremely healing and fulfilling to me.

Maybe I don’t have the paying work right now that fulfills me, but I do have SO MUCH in my life that absolutely does.

So I can continue this process from the state of fulfillment instead of lack.

And I am slowly easing into this process, but without the pressure of anything “having” to happen. So that actually frees me up creatively to get some work done.

Have you ever really wanted something (or someone!), and then gotten it, and realized it didn’t really fix that feeling of wanting something? Hey wait, this was supposed to make everything feel good all the time! This was supposed to make me happy!

I still want fulfilling work. But this whole month has been a big old reminder that if I can’t find the joy of daily life right now, it won’t be easier to find it once I have that ideal work situation.

I certainly don’t have it all figured out! The first test will be Saturday, when I spend 8 hours catering. Woowoo! The glam life begins. But I feel like I am learning how to really enjoy the day, and enjoy the life I’ve created for myself here in New York. There’s tons of room to grow and I’m going to keep making space for it to do so.

she did it! September 1, 2009

Jen quit her job!

Jen started her blog almost a year ago with the desire to leave her desk job. I was an immediate regular reader because I so identified with everything she said. (And soon started my own blog!) A year ago she knew that the desk job was something she DIDN’T want to do. She’s spent the past year figuring out exactly what she DOES care about doing. One thing I love about her journey is that she has shared with us a her long list of interests—Everything from comedy to nutrition to yoga to baking. (We have a lot in common.) And, she had the courage to take one of those interests by the balls and say, “I’m giving this a go!” She started her own bakery with her good buddy Faryn, and immediately after they made the announcement, cake orders started rolling in.

I’m excited for Jen to be able to spend a day making a cake, and then having the night to do whatever she pleases, rather than spending 8 hours at someone else’s business, and staying up til the wee hours pouring her heart into making the perfect new recipe.

I think her decision to go for it with a bakery really speaks volumes for her, because I know a lot of us wait around to figure out what we want to do with the rest of our lives. One thing my mom has always told me is that throughout life, you’ll want to do different things! So focus on what you want to do today. Similar to what my yoga teacher says— “Make up your mind!” I think it takes a whole lot of courage to just PICK one of your many interests and follow it and see where it takes you. The place I’m in right now is trying to get the courage to really and truly, wholeheartedly follow one of mine (and to really make up my mind about which one that is!). The time is now, to do whatever the heck it is that you feel passionate about NOW. And she’s not waiting any longer! And I’m telling you, that woman has got a gift with the SWEETS!

If you haven’t met these guys, allow me to introduce you to THESE THINGS. These little pieces of heaven are Fanny and Jane CAKE BITES. MMMMM.
Thank you for sharing your journey with the world Jen! Can’t wait to see what’s next! (And also try samples.)

make up your mind August 14, 2009

I went to yoga yesterday after a couple weeks of no yoga. (Enter in all my various excuses here.) I took class from Georgia, who I’ve mentioned before on this blog. She is somewhere around 60 years old but you’d never guess it from looking at her. (Bikram yoga really does work!) She’s been practicing for 37 years. She actually took classes from Bikram himself (the guy who created this form of yoga) in Hawaii way back when. Her classes are both extremely challenging and fun. She has a way of making you laugh at yourself, and she’ll catch you when you’re trying to sneak by and cruise through a pose. But she will also reward you for putting your all into one. She’ll say, “I see ya, Blue.” It’s always exciting to me when she recognizing that I am really kicking my own butt giving my all.

Right before we were about to go into a pose yesterday, she goes, “Make up your mind!!!”

Make up your mind! Are you gonna just go through the motions or are you going to put everything you have into this? That phrase is sticking with me. I have some very indecisive tendencies, never wanting to make the wrong choice, I end up making not much of any choice at all. Actually it’s a note I got from our coach at improv rehearsal Monday. Indecisiveness is death to scenes in improv. Jess told me I just needed to decide and take an opinion in the scene. Just pick one and move forward with it!

That’s something they say a lot about improv: there is no wrong choice. Every choice is right. You just have to be committed to it.

It’s exciting to me to have made a choice in my life: This way doesn’t work any more. There has to be something else out there! There has to be something else I can do with my time and energy. There HAS to be fulfilling work out there. After five years of job after job after job, I giving myself the gift of the whole month of September to devote to my yoga, my enjoyment of life, and the pursuit of things that actually matter to me. (Yep–I decided I’m gonna go for the bikram 30-day challenge!) A month to not worry about a survival job. Then, I can begin October completely refreshed, ready to make up my mind about what’s next.

so. umm… now what? August 11, 2009

Thank you friends, for all the wonderful spoken and unspoken support. I haven’t gotten any blank stares or doubtful responses when I’ve told people that I quit my job, even though I don’t have much of a plan in line. In fact, I’ve gotten the opposite: very positive responses. That’s pretty awesome. We’ve got ourselves a lot of believers out there, folks! Lucky for me, part of why I could just hop right out of my job is because I work (for just 10 more days!) at a restaurant. And, if in a couple months I find myself in need of another full-time job, there are a few thousand restaurants in this borough alone that I could serve burgers/steak/vegan whatevers at. So, I’ll deal with that if/when I need to.

That’s pretty much the worst-case scenario. Which is too say, the worst case scenario isn’t bad at all. I like meeting new people and finding myself in new environments, so if that’s what needs to happen, I am sure many wonderful things will come from it, as did from this job.

So, what is the best case scenario?

That’s what I’m giving myself the time to sort out, I spose!

Before I get to all that job stuff, I’d like to take some time to do something else. I have been toying with the idea of taking a bikram yoga 30-day challenge for a while now. (Doing bikram yoga for 30 days straight!) But, I don’t want to focus solely on practicing bikram yoga during this time. I started thinking about the other things it would be fun to do for 30 days in a row.

I came across this Steve Pavlina article: 30 days to Success. Innnnteresting. He explains how the 30-day model is a great way to try out a daily habit, and see if it can become something you want to do daily for life! So this could be a great time for me to create habits I want to carry with me when I enter back into real world territory.

Some ideas:

-Exercising daily, whether it’s yoga, running, bike riding, swimming, or playing in the park. (I am still sore from some serious wiffleball playing on Saturday.)

-Writing daily. Journaling and creative writing.

-Pursuing fun daily. Serious childlike fun. I realized I have a real need for fun on a regular basis. So simple, right? But if I am working too much, even if that is performing, I become depressed and down. I am rejuvenated by pure FUN. (If I go for this 30 day FUN project, I will need some volunteers to go do some activities with me. )

-Taking a risk a day. Mostly this involves me doing things alone that might be a bit odd, or striking up conversations with strangers. (A very convenient excuse to talk to the cute boy strangers.) But this seems like a wonderful way to really shake fear and social taboos out of the system.

-Pursuing a passion daily. Maybe this means going to an audition, or reading a book on any subject that excites me, or icing a cupcake. This could be beneficial on so many levels.

So those are the main ideas I am toying with.

Here are some of Pavlina’s suggestions that I also like:

-Write a new blog entry every day.
-Read for an hour a day on a subject that interests you.
-Meditate every day.
-Go for a long walk every day.
-Become an early riser.
-Write in your journal every day.
-Call a different family member, friend, or business contact every day.
-Make 25 sales calls every day to solicit new business. Professional speaker Mike Ferry did this five days a week for two years, even on days when he was giving seminars. He credits this habit with helping build his business to over $10 million in annual sales. If you make 1300 sales calls a year, you’re going to get some decent business no matter how bad your sales skills are. You can generalize this habit to any kind of marketing work, like building new links to your web site.
-Ask someone new out on a date every day. Unless your success rate is below 3%, you’ll get at least one new date, maybe even meet your future spouse.
-Go out every evening. Go somewhere different each time, and do something fun — this will be a memorable month.
-Meet someone new every day. Start up a conversation with a stranger.

So, what do you guys think? What would you do with 30 free days?

My productivity plan July 27, 2009

If WordPress was like Tumblr, I would reblog Phil Wells’s entry on his productivity update. I really like this entry. I love that Phil loves to make lists and see his improvement in some sort of tangible way. I am in the process of discovering the things I need to do/need in my life in order to be productive.

The whole month of July and the trip to Texas was extremely refreshing. The work was interesting and fun, and Rory & I laughed pretty much nonstop. It was exciting to find a kind of work that is interesting to me that is not a part of the arts. Maybe you are curious about what I was actually doing there? To sum it up, I helped facilitate events in small towns through Texas to promote a company down there. That’s the short of it.

One thing I absolutely loved was a break from my regular day-to-day life, and my regular day-to-day thought patterns. I was just present in Texas, working, or driving, or brainstorming… (Or having the occasional business meeting at the hotel pool.)

And Magic Week. Glorious, glorious Magic Week. Magic Week was my little week in New York in between trips to Texas, where I had nothing planned. I did something I have been dying to do for a while—took the LIRR to Long Beach all by myself and just enjoyed an afternoon by the water. This is something my artist has been absolutely craving.

I put this Julia Cameron quote up on my door, “If I let my artist do what it wants to do, it will cooperate with me in doing what I NEED it to do.” My artist does not want to sit at a computer and write stuff. It wants to be at the park playing, or having drinks with girlfriends, or riding my bike. But often I’m like—NO. You sit here and get something done so that future me can really enjoy life. The result is generally my artist sulking in a corner and me wasting time on facebook or gmail or seeing what the rest of the world is doing with their lives, instead of fully living mine.

But when I do go to the beach, or the park, or whatever it is that I would prefer to be doing, I end up being very productive & creative later on. Like Magic Week for instance— lots of fun & real relaxation was had, and I have a very full notebook as a result of it.

So my productivity plan? To play more! To go outside more. To go to dinner more. To explore the city, see live music, and spend time with friends. “To do what my artist wants to do so that it will cooperate with me in doing what I need it to do!”

“LIFE! Be in it!” (-Mrs. Rannells) July 15, 2009

Magic week has been excellent.

Yesterday I had lunch with my friend Maia at a little French cafe in Chelsea, Le Granne Cafe. Lots of chatting about being an artist in the city and the general ups & downs of it. One thing that came up was the idea of finding contentment in daily life. At one point she was traveling through Copenhagen doing a show and she thought to herself, “THIS is how my life should be! THIS is what I want in my life!” And she had to stop herself for a moment to say, Wait—This is my life.

I think whether it’s a show, or traveling, or relationship, there’s always a feeling of, “When is this going to end?” And that generally gets in the way of just enjoying the present moment, of being in this group, this relationship, on this particular adventure…

July has been a very fun month. I had a blast doing the job with Rory in Texas (with more to come), and it’s allowed for me to have a non-vacation week with very little work. I like this. I’ve found myself thinking during this week, “THIS is how my life should be!” Lots of time off to go to the beach or movies or out to eat. Well, THIS is my life right now. I am free to simply enjoy it!

The basic idea I’ve gotten from various inner peace dealie books I’ve read is that it all comes down to the present moment: to being fully present in the moment. I am reading The Alchemist right now (as well as The Gift). Here’s something I like that this seer dude says to the camel driver when the camel driver is obsessing over finding out his future:

How do I guess the future? Based on the omens of the present. The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better.

Maia & I were talking about a certain celebrity (who shall remain nameless on this blog) who is just a mess. We’ve both waited on PERSON a number of times and each time, this PERSON is unhappy and anxious and generally a big grump. This PERSON has success beyond what I can fathom but I have rarely seen PERSON smile amidst 1-hour to 2-hour meals.

I think now is the time to find that contentment with life, and the ability to fully enjoy either a day at the beach (though it will end) or a new relationship (though it could just be for a season) or some sort of joy in the survival job. If that’s not something we’ve got now, it’s going to be harder and harder to find it when the bar continues to raise.