the breaking point December 19, 2009

I have found that I have been spending very little time on the computer over the past few weeks. You can tell by the way it looks around here! I feel like I am running around a lot. I put it out there a while ago that I was available for part-time odd jobs, and bit by bit they have floated in over the past month. And now that I’m a commuter I find myself leaving in the morning and coming home later at night on lots of days.

It’s really nice actually. A long time habit of mine has been to aimlessly be on the computer, endlessly checking my email and Facebook. Often I would get stuck doing that and have to force myself to go outside or something else. I think this also has to do with the fact that in my small studio, my computer was always starting at me. “Check me! There may be an email! A friend request! A new picture tagged! I bet there is a boy out there who you like who’s in photos with pretty girls so let’s wallow in that for a while! C’mon…”

So, that is my excuse for not posting very often.

Right now it is snowing like crazy. I love the quiet stillness that the snow brings.

I wanted to share a little of something I wrote when I was cleansing! I was on my next-to-last day of detoxing (the night before Thanksgiving), and I passed the point of hunger to where I didn’t feel hungry anymore. It was a really exciting thing for me to experience because it made me feel like I had passed the breaking point. I realized that this is a huge challenge for me in almost every area of my life. When things get really tough, I get scared and back down. But if you can push through that point, things actually get easier and you get great breakthroughs.

It was the first time for me that I had really detoxed, so it was a big deal for me. I didn’t know how my body would react to not eating food. (Except 6 almonds.)

I’m going to preface this and say that I didn’t have Internet at this point due to moving, so I just wrote on my computer because I needed to write, without considering whether I’d post it or not.

And I’m not gonna edit it either, because it’s all the stuff that came up!

So here’s this thing I wrote.

The breaking point.
Today is my detox day.
It was fine until about 5 pm when i started to get cranky.
I ran a bunch of errands this afternoon while my energy was up and brain was thinking clearly.

This time, I have not cheated. I have had my six alloted snacks.
(Read: 4 chewy “snack” tablets that look like Tums but taste better, and two raw almonds.)

I rented 5 movies from the library.
I don’t have Internet.
My head feels fuzzy. My face looks bloated.

This cleanse has been good for me, because of many reasons.
One is that, I often treat myself with food.
“I deserve this.”
“I deserve a cookie.”
“I worked hard, I deserve fries with cheese.”

This is how I reward myself.

You know what I deserve?

To feel like a million bucks, all the time.
This is not possible.
However, this is the starting point I want to be at on a regular basis, and swerve from there because I am making allowances for LIFE.

Okay—at least that’s my starting point. Emotions are good to have, sometimes I will feel down or depressed. 
But I’m talking physically.

I’m tired of having gas.
Yeah, I said that.
I’m tired of waking up hungover, more than once or twice a month. I’m tired of thinking I have to drink a certain amount to have the maximum fun. I’m tired of my social life controlling how I treat my body. I am tired of regularly experiencing guilt as I attempt to regulate want my child wants and what my grown up thinks I should have.
PEOPLE. Let’s work together here!

DAMN. I know how to DANCE. I know how to LAUGH. I have amazing people in my life to laugh and dance with.

And I won’t block my insecurities with alcohol.

I want to pass the breaking point in my life, in my life’s patterns, in my mental battle with going to the next level. It’s so fuzzy right now in my brain that I am having trouble hearing all the naysayers in my head, telling me a shouldn’t write this. What if people look at me in the bar? What about if I do overdrink? Or if I don’t at all? 

And they all know my secrets!
SHH…

Don’t tell anyone at Mustang Sally’s, okay?
I don’t want anyone to expect anything of me.
That would be, like HORRIBLE.

And really, I am done with dumb boys.

New resolution: I will only buy a dress that makes me feel awesome. When I can afford it.
I will only flirt with boys who make me feel awesome.
The real awesome. Authentic awesome.
I will only eat food that makes me feel awesome.
Sometimes this is cheese. When I can afford it.

But I am not going to block anxiety, or pain, or fear, (My three BIG ONES) those feelings with food, or even with tears.
Back when I took Eric Davis’s class last January, it was extremely frustrating. I came out, and tried to connect with the audience as my clown. I was bawling, and crying. He didn’t buy it. “I’m such a good cryer though! I am being emotionally open!” When the tears had faded, the real stuff could come up. I was scared to be out there. I remember looking down at that moment.

He said, “When you want to look down, look up.”

That’s when you are real. All the real gunk. That’s the good stuff. Let it come up! It needs to!

I wasn’t! I was using tears to block everything.

Then when I found my character for the [solo] show, [when] I found my vulnerability. It is in revealing who I truly am, all the SHIT underneath the big smile. Just to be myself! Amped up, trying so hard to create the life I desire, but revealing that is who I am. I think I try so hard sometimes that it scares the proper events from just taking place.

And that’s when I had fun.

One part of the self that I discovered in September was my inner child. This child did not wanna do ANYTHING. It was having temper tantrums all over the place, until I finally said: “Okay, what do YOU want to do?”

I have been, since then, trying to honor that child. I think for a long time, I was a very strict parent. So much that, I couldn’t hear what it wanted anymore. I heard many other voices. My mind had taken over and decided what I wanted. The child was huffy in a corner and did not like any decisions.

I really wanted to get a career out of my month off.

Instead, I got FUN.

And I got CREATIVE breakthroughs.

And I got a new HOME that is going to be a true abode.

And I developed new and strong RELATIONSHIPS.

And right now I am developing better HEALTH.

I always return to Julia Cameron’s idea of the 7 areas of life: creativity, health, possessions, leisure, relationships, career, and spirituality.

It seems like I am continually pushed to work on all these other areas first, that I didn’t even realize I was not fully embracing, because all I could ever think about was, “What the heck am I doing? How am I gonna support myself? WELL? I want to make great money and do something I love? Do I have to do one million more shows to make that happen? Does it have to be acting?”

The answer is: I don’t care, I just want to be happy! I am not married to being an actor. I am married to living a joyful, full life.

stop PUSHING for an answer, and just LIVE, and explore, until I find the career dress that makes me feel awesome, and is within my budget.

So that’s when I continued with the ever present journey towards a full life.

And now I am understanding that I need to raise my inner child a bit better.

I need to give the child ample room to play, and to work with the child in finding joy, but this child is not going to run the ship. Neither is my mind.

Just: me. Just, my true essential self.

I am making deals with myself for the new year:
My reward for hard work will not be overstuffing myself, or not exercizing.

If I want to eat too much, that will just be a decision I make.
If I want to not exercise, then I will do that, but it will not come from an inner fit.

I am going to deal with the inner fits as they come up.

I’m also going to try daily to do something really crazy: Not Worry About This “Career” thing. That is just another block!
I am going to explore, and I’m going to eat great meals from my local, cheap grocery store.

I am going to live within my pants means, and within my financial means, WHILE allowing myself freedom to live life and explore.

I am going to let the emotions rise to the top, whatever they be, look them in the face, and deal with them.

It’s okay to feel painful things. It’s not okay to stuff them down with blocks.

All the different characters in my own woman-show over here are gonna start working together to make one really great theatrical experience.

I was lucky enough to get some commercial auditions, and I got two callbacks in two weeks.

They were really fun, too!

The directors both had me go back and try different things, they laughed, they said, “thanks elizabeth,” “really nice,” etc.

I began to separate myself emotionally from my career defining me.

And now I have had this great process of separating myself emotionally from my eating habits.

I hope to God this is not a week at church camp, where I go home and fall back into the same patterns.

I want to create the newest, best patterns for my life,
in the kindest, most wonderful way.

The only limits you have are the ones you put on yourself!
Someone said that once, I’m sure.

I am not limiting myself by giving into emotional up and downs.

When I feel sad or angry, my options are not:
-buying stuff
-eating stuff
-researching therapists/doctors/life coaches/ yoga studios/spiritual guides.
-call a friend/family crying

My options are:
-go outside
-take a nap
-write
-cry
-throw things
-kick things
-let whatever tantrum out that the child needs out, and then closely examine where it came from.
-and DEAL with that area!

Time to be my own life coach! Which is great, because I love working with a life coach.
This saves me money. Plus, I know everything that I need, and I know everything I want.

I am getting rid of the shit clogging up my pores.

I threw it all out.
Why did I have makeup I owned 5 years ago?
I don’t want that stuff on my face!

I am getting rid of the mental patterns clogging up my life.
Obviously I developed them through time to deal with life.

But I don’t wear lipstick from five years ago. I’m not going to wear the mental or emotional coats I used to wear either.

I have grown them out!

So I am tossing that out! Not even giving them to good will. I don’t want someone else to pick up morning anxiety, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of losing friends, fear of alienating people. I don’t want someone else to pick the kind of guys who want want anything from me emotionally but can allow me to remain a victim of rejection. It’s soo safe there! I am safe in that pain.

Nope, I’m not doing that stuff!
Good bye, boys!
Good bye , stupid bartenders!
Good bye, dime-a-day musician!
Good bye, “cutest guy in the club”. Bring me that dorky one who looks really uncomfortable. You look… NICE.

I am starting to find I am very interested in nice boys.

That’s a really exciting place to be.

Nice boys might like me back!
YIKES!

So, here I am, a few weeks later. As usual, I set my sights very high on how I wanted to live, eat, act, etc. And I did go to the other extreme for a couple of weeks after the cleanse. Whiskey and giant bags of Doritos were consumed and enjoyed. And lots of delicious sweets. And it all caught up to me last Saturday afternoon. I just felt completely exhausted from running around, the move, and my diet being all over the place. So i did a little one-day cleanse on Sunday, having two of the Isagenix shakes and a light meal, staying off caffeine and sugar. It helped me kick back into gear with really listening to my body. Gently. And so now, after going from one extreme to another extreme and back, NOW i feel ready to kindly, gently listen to my body’s needs and balance them with my taste bud’s wants.

The things my head have understood for a little while as far as boys go are finally traveling down to my heart, in regards to who I have chosen to date or how I have chosen to present myself when I’m out having fun or at the bar with friends. I’m really good at seeming like a care-free confident New York lady but the truth is I do want more than some short-term interaction just to occupy my ego or entertain me for the time being.

Martha Beck calls it your inner self, and Wayne Dyer calls it your essential self, some may say your higher self and others, God, but I believe there is a place inside each one of us that has all the answers we need and immediately knows if something is good for us or not. Wayne Dyer talks a lot about the “knowing.” I am starting to have more confidence in the things I “know.” Not believe, know.

I feel like with the new year coming in, I am entering into a new phase of life. I am learning to deal with my anxieties and the things I want in my life without letting them take over the present moment.

WIth all the career stuff, the wanting and fears and finally letting go, finding a way to detach my self worth from my success is proving to be essential. I’m starting to discover some things out there that I do enjoy doing that I can make money from! I won’t lay out my ideas here, but I will tell you something I did this week. I taught a cupcake lesson! And got paid for it! We baked and made icing and decorated. I had fun, and laughed, and helped someone, and, got paid for it. Sweet.

so i’m cleansed. pass the doritos. December 1, 2009

well well well. you don’t call, you don’t write….

It’s been a busy week, and largely without Internet. Which has been wonderful. It’s nice to not have the option to check email or facebook one million times a day. What did people do before the Internet? Read books, take walks, talk face to face….

First, an update on the cleanse.
Last Wednesday was the detox day where I didn’t eat and didn’t cheat. I had my alloted 6 almonds.
It was a really interesting experience because I passed the breaking point of hunger and felt a bit high. It was pretty exciting. I actually had all these crazy creative ideas running through my head and sat at a computer and wrote them all out. It was inspiring to do that—move past the breaking point. I realized I haven’t really experienced that before and it made me want to run a marathon and see what that’s like.
First I’m going to practice running an entire mile.

The next day was Thanksgiving.

I went to my friend Anna’s, where I’ve celebrated Thanksgiving for the past 4 years. Her and her husband cook an amazing feast. Around 3pm they started serving hors d’oeuvres. This was my first day off the cleanse, and I had some oatmeal and eggs for breakfast, and an apple later.

At 3pm I wasn’t hungry. I was, however, really scared. There was going to be A LOT of food. And I didn’t know how my body would react.

I actually did okay during mealtime, ate to fullness, and not over. It’s dessert that kicked me in the ass.

Three pieces of pie (made from scratch pumpkin and apple, thank you Anna), with ice cream, and a decaf coffee with bailey’s with whipped cream. YUMMMMMM. I was the last person at the table eating and everyone joked that I was re-toxing now. Ha.

Then I started to feel bad. Not physically. Mentally and emotionally. I went to the bathroom and was crying. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I eat all of this? I had lost 5 pounds! I’m gaining it all back! I can’t control myself.

Sound bad? It felt bad. It felt like an eating disorder! It was very odd… Emotionally I was a wreck.

Now don’t even tell me how it was a bad idea to do a cleanse before Thanksgiving. I KNOW. But I did it ANYWAY. It’s always going to be a bad time. But going from starving one day to being in front of a feast of amazing delicious favorite food is really a recipe for disaster.

Anna calmed me down a bit, and reminded me that I did not do anything wrong by eating! It’s a holiday, and I enjoyed it. Her acupuncture teachers had just been speaking about how great cleanses are for the body. They give your intestines and liver a break and are great for your system. And then afterwards, IT IS OKAY TO EAT LIKE NORMAL.

During the cleanse, I felt so good because I wasn’t eating any processed food or caffeine or drinking. But here’s why it was easy: Someone else was in control of my diet. I did not have to think about meals at all. There were very strict rules to this cleanse and I had paid money to do it, so that really helped me to do it correctly. (I did go back on Friday and do the final detox day.) But, left to my own devices, I will eat bread, and cheese, and dessert, because these are delicious things.

I always come back to balance every single damn time and can’t learn my own lessons. The thing is, I enjoy life to much to be my skinniest. I just do. And, I feel embarrassed to share this with you all because I thought I was past that type of thinking, but I’m not. It still creeps up. It felt great to be a little looser in my clothing. But I love to try different food, and snack, and have one more bite and have drinks with friends and hot chocolates. So I think I have to accept the place that I am at. Or ya know, get back on the exercise and regular bikram train. But still—even if I do that stuff everyday, I gotta love my belly in all its glory.

I spent the rest of the time painting and moving and those are certainly not the times to eat grilled chicken salads.

Maia and I went picked out a great yellow and spent all day Saturday painting my room, with several breaks to the local restaurants in my great new neighborhood. The coffee shop has a delicious drink called the Bowl of Soul.

Steamed soy milk, vanilla, chammomile tea, honey, and cinnamon.

Ohhhhh it’s gonna be a good winter.

Sunday was moving day and with my kind, generous friends Maia & Karen, we made not one but two trips back and forth from Times Square to Brooklyn, dealing with the men lurking outside the building giving us advice on how to best pack my shit in the truck.

BOYS: NEVER DO THIS. OoooooooH. I don’t like to do a lot of “Men always…” blah blah blah, but really, Men always seem to think they know how to do these things better than women. Step on back, it is taken care of, and yes, I know how to use a drill.

It was really interesting moving out of the place. Several people who live there kept coming up to me and congratulating me on the move. I didn’t hear anything from my lovely neighbor Art, but my neighbor Fred did come by to say goodbye. He’s the retired pastor that I always have nice chats with. He gave me a present! A lovely scarf and a card. I almost cried, it was such a considerate gesture.

Saturday and Sunday were very long days and I have now tried out 4 of the local eateries, as well as finishing off Sunday with a giant shared bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a couple of beers celebrating the success. What cleanse?

So now I am furiously going through boxes in my new, lovely yellow room trying to find a home for everything I own. I am really enjoying living here so far. This morning I woke up and the sun was coming through my windows. I felt so happy to live in this place. I made a trip into the city and enjoyed the commute with my book and music and view of the Brooklyn Bridge and Manhattan Skyline.

So that’s where I am now. My pooch has returned after a 4 day leave-of-absence, but it’s time to get prepared for all the food and new restaurants I’ll be experiencing over the next month. OH. And, the life-sized oven in my new place! This house is gonna smell like Christmas!

Day 7 of the cleanse. okay I’m ready for hot chocolate. November 24, 2009

Still feeling pretty great from this cleanse. I think the biggest difference in my day-to-day experience that I haven’t felt overly full, or super hungry. Which seems odd. I have pretty much stayed in that place in the middle. When I have felt tired, it was either time for the next shake or a snack, like a few almonds or celery. (Yeah! celery!) Or the meal of the day.

The hardest thing for me in this little week has been staying away from hot, frothy coffee and espresso drinks. Yesterday was the first day I craved caffeine. I had a decaf coffee with soy milk and splenda and let that be my treat.

I love hot cocoa. And cappucinos. And I’m dying to try that caramel brulee latte drug. Holy moly.

And here’s something exciting…

My catering pants fit again! It’s been a very uncomfortable season. I’ve been sneaking off to unbutton the top button and breathe and hope the captain doesn’t see me and think I’m very strange.

So, Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Followed by a holiday season filled with, I hope, lots and lots of parties. The challenge will be to really enjoy the food I’m eating and when I feel good, stop. And to enjoy the drinks and dancing and not feel the need to pass my limit to have fun.

I like fitting into the pants I own! It’s much more comfortable.

I’m a big believer in getting a head start on the new year. I’ve been working on getting a balanced relationship with food and exercise for a while, but I’m not quite there. I want to be in the place where I can be around cheesy french fries and they won’t be this dramatic temptation that I either give into full-time or feel extremely taunted by if I forego them. I just want to separate myself emotionally from those decisions. Either eat those durn fries and fully enjoy them, or don’t! I’m hoping this regimented week will help me to make good choices without feeling like I’m limiting my experience of life!

Definitely the lack of bread, pasta, dairy, alcohol, and caffeine has had a huge effect on everything from how my stomach feels to my mood to my energy. So my thoughts are that I should keep those minimal in my life in general. (Okay: At least the bread, pasta, and caffeine. Wine and cheese bring me joy and I will let my soul reign free in that gouda and malbec.) But if I am at a potluck party, and someone makes a mac n cheese from scratch, damn, I am having some mac n cheese! (Btw—Someone should do that.)

I actually experienced something odd yesterday. I had just finished my baked salmon, brown rice, and spinach salad, and felt pretty good. But that salmon was sooo yummy that I wanted to just eat the last bit I had cooked. I took a bite, and that guilt kicked in, because I knew: my body didn’t really want it! My mind is just so programed to going a little past that full place that I reached for it. So, I threw it away, and left feeling good.

In other news: I am really freaking excited about Turkey Day. Hope you all have wonderful holiday plans. I’m taking some Bailey’s and decaf coffee to my friend Anna’s. MMMM.

I figured out my life’s purpose! October 20, 2009

I really like magazines. Especially when I travel. This can be a very expensive hobby. I spent $20 on 4 magazines last week. Oh well. Cheaper than a hard-back book! They are the perfect oceanside companion.

One magazine I got last week was O (for Oprah of course). I picked up her magazine because the cover story caught my eye (nice job, advertising team!): “Who Are You Meant to Be? A step-by-step guide to finding (and fulfilling) your life’s purpose.” Well, Oprah really seems to have figured out that one for herself so I thought I’d see what her thoughts were on the subject. Oprah says, “It’s not that I’ve always known who I would be. It was just very clear to me from an early age who I wouldn’t be.”

So, okay. I was getting the crunchies at the restaurant. I’m copyrighting this term, okay? The crunchies are those angry feelings inside your chest when you really want to scream or cry but you have to act civilized because someone really needs their beet salad/spreadsheets/diaper changed. So all the feelings just go crunch crunch crunch crunch.

I didn’t feel like I was living my best life, and that just wasn’t working anymore! I was getting very resentful about spending my time working at a restaurant that gave me the crunchies and then using the money I was making there towards my actual vocation of acting! So I took those 30 days off, in the hopes of finding my real passion! I wanted to Find whatever kind of work is out there that could bring me joy and also a paycheck.

And the thing I figured out was how much I love to be outside and do new New Yorky things and drinks hot drinks in paper cups and go see movies that make me bawl. (Have you seen Where the Wild Things Are yet? HOLY MOLY. So goooood.) And how much I loved to be around friends and start the day with yoga and end the day with wine. And staying away from cheese because I’m trying to be all nutritious but then having baked brie at night because I’m with friends and why not.

At the end of the 30 days I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to be pursuing. I even felt confused about everything I was already doing. I mean, should I be getting more joy out of performing if this is my real passion & calling? Do I have the energy to go back to school to get a degree in something else?

AHHH I just want to eat cheese!

So, Oprah, what kind of light would you like to shed on this?

One of the contributors to O’s cover story, Alain de Botton, wrote an excellent article about this very thing in The Real Meaning of Your True Calling.

A useful thought to bear in mind for anyone still struggling with a less than meaningful job: Work may not be where your calling resides. Indeed, for thousands of years, work was viewed as an unavoidable drudge; anything more aspiring had to happen in one’s spare time, once the money had been hauled in. Aristotle was only the first of many philosophers to state that no one could both be obliged to earn a living and remain free. The idea that a job could be pleasurable had to wait until the 18th century, the age of the great bourgeois philosophers, men like Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Benjamin Franklin, who for the first time argued that one’s working life could be at the center of happiness. Curiously, at the same time, similar ideas about romance took shape. In the premodern age, it had widely been assumed that marriage was something one did for purely commercial reasons, to hand down the family farm and raise children; love was what you did with your mistress, on the side. The new philosophers now argued that one might actually aim to marry the person one was in love with.

We are the heirs of these two very ambitious beliefs: that you can be in love and married—and in a job and having a good time. As a result, we harbor high expectations for two areas of life that may provide support but not the deep purpose we ultimately long for. To remember such history while contemplating “Who am I?” can be enormously freeing.

So I have realized that if I look for emotional or spiritual fulfillment in a work situation without having that already in place in my life, I am going to be continually unsatisfied and hungry. It is my job to do that work during my free time. It is up to me to get fulfilled, and then actually have something to offer in a work situation. Whether it is doing something creative, like performing or writing, or something technical—my brain has put all those things in the category of “work.” I need huge helpings of “life” thrown in there to be satisfied.

It’s just like going into a relationship already happy, knowing that another person can’t bring you something you don’t already have within yourself. They can just add to an already abundant life.

I also have realized that there might not be ONE dream job out there for everybody. Some people do seem destined to be famous actors or writers or magicians or whatever, and then others find their success through doing a variety of interesting things. And that’s a freeing thought as well.

There’s a quiz included in the magazine as well: Who Am I Meant To Be? The writer of the quiz, Anne Dranitsaris, created seven categories she calls “striving styles.” She says that when you are engaging in your particular style, you have the greatest chance to fulfill your potential. I found mine to be “striving to be spontaneous.” This type of personality is stimulated by changing jobs frequently and traveling often. What I feared was a flaw (my continual desire for change and adventure) is actually just a part of who I am—something to be embraced rather than squashed.

So all of this has been pretty enlightening for me as I continue to try and figure out how I am going to pay the bills. For now it is including children’s birthday parties and cater waitering. I worked at some kid’s parties at the Central Park Zoo on Sunday. And ya know, even with kids being… kids… I was able to just look the trees changing colors in the park, with the view of New York City peeking through. After the day’s work was done I went to eat at a great little spot in Hell’s Kitchen and then went to see Where The Wild Things Are. And it felt like a perfect day.

miracle year, miracle thinking October 6, 2009

This is a great article from the same lady I linked below, Pamela Skillings, a career coach and adjunct NYU professor: Genius Career Advice from Einstein—Is This Your Miracle Year?

In 1905, Albert Einstein wrote a series of papers that changed our view of the universe forever. Historians refer to Einstein’s 1905 as annus mirabilis, the miracle year. In one year, Einstein discovered the special theory of relativity, the quantum theory of light, and the groundbreaking equation E = mc2 (and these are just the highlights…read more about Einstein’s Miracle Year).

He did all of this while working a 40-hour week as a clerk in the Swiss patent office. For those in career transition, the most interesting part of this story is what Einstein was doing before 1905. [read on...]

This is so interesting! And encouraging. I often find little pieces of paper from my old dupe pad from the restaurant job lying around. In between waiting on people little ideas would dawn on me. It really can be pretty powerful to be spending time putting your energy into one place and then see what continually pops up into your mind…

Whether you are working 40 hours at a survival job every week, or maybe 30 hours doing random part-time gigs, all that time can be used for you. I think the trap I often fall into is feeling so overwhelmed by everything I’d like to get done, or feel like I need to get done, in order to ever be “free” of work that really feels like work.

This Steve Pavlina article, “Feeling Blessed,” has a nice take on this. Rather than focusing on what you don’t have, he says to focus on what really excites you. I’ve been doing this lately and it has felt much more positive.

day 29. Happy Time. September 30, 2009

Well, my 30 days are wrapping up! Here I am on Day 29.

I started out the month with a desire to achieve some material goals. I wanted to find some work that I enjoyed doing, and make some money doing it! I wanted to open myself to passions outside of performing, knock on some doors, and see what could happen. I wanted to create the flow I desired for my life, so that at the end of the month I could just coast along.

Then the month started and I spent most of the whole first week freaking out at what I’d set up for myself. I was focusing on the end product and all my fears were that I’d accomplish nothing and be stuck at Square 1 at the end of the month.

So I let go of the end product. Then, I let go of my three activities I had planned for myself (do 1 fun thing a day, 1 work-related thing, and exercise daily). It was stressing me out majorly to attempt to do all three of those.

I was not having any fun!

(Funnily enough, here I am at Day 29, and I am realizing that I will have done those three things today! I started the day with a nice run outside. (Okay—a run/walk. ) I got lots of writing done and rehearsing for my solo project. I ate wonderfully healthy and delicious food. And soon I’ll head out to hang with my improv buds! Check, check, and check!)

I am realizing that what I have gained this month is something that will carry me through, whether I am working at a restaurant or doing a cool writing project for a publication of some sort. This time off has given me the opportunity to reconnect with what I love about this city.

And heck, what I love about being alive.

Yup.

My favorite pair of days began with the morning I ditched the work I had planned and headed to the movies with a chocolate pastry, and later spent the afternoon in a daze, trying out everything available to me at the farmer’s market. And the next afternoon I laid under the trees for about five hours and then saw my new favorite band live for the third time in a week.

That = Happy Time.

Part of the impetus for quitting my job and taking a month off was my five-year anniversary of moving to New York City. I was flooded with doubt in myself about where I was and where I “should” be. Once I started to let go of that pressure, I really began to enjoy life in this city. The trees and parks and waterfalls (yeah! east midtown!) were extremely healing and fulfilling to me.

Maybe I don’t have the paying work right now that fulfills me, but I do have SO MUCH in my life that absolutely does.

So I can continue this process from the state of fulfillment instead of lack.

And I am slowly easing into this process, but without the pressure of anything “having” to happen. So that actually frees me up creatively to get some work done.

Have you ever really wanted something (or someone!), and then gotten it, and realized it didn’t really fix that feeling of wanting something? Hey wait, this was supposed to make everything feel good all the time! This was supposed to make me happy!

I still want fulfilling work. But this whole month has been a big old reminder that if I can’t find the joy of daily life right now, it won’t be easier to find it once I have that ideal work situation.

I certainly don’t have it all figured out! The first test will be Saturday, when I spend 8 hours catering. Woowoo! The glam life begins. But I feel like I am learning how to really enjoy the day, and enjoy the life I’ve created for myself here in New York. There’s tons of room to grow and I’m going to keep making space for it to do so.

day 27. Oh yeah, that’s my age… My acupuncturist said it’s a tough age. He is right. September 28, 2009

I think the most valuable thing I am taking out of these 30 days off of survival job work is the knowledge of what I need in my life on a regular basis in order to be happy.

I am not sure why it helps me to compare myself to a dog or a plant, but it does!

I think it’s because it makes total sense to me that a flower needs sunlight and water or it will die.
A dog needs lots of walks and runs and attention and play or it will be depressed.

But here we are, humans, with responsibilities, and we just WORK WORK WORK WORK and then are confused as to why we aren’t happy!

We eat crap and wonder why we feel bad.

We drink too much and wonder why we have beer bellies.

We don’t leave our comfort zones and wonder why we feel bored.

There’s not someone else who will come by and water us or take us out to the dog park for a nice run-around outside! We have to do that for ourselves, or we are left to deal with our grumpiness.

This month has been a chance for me to break free of my old daily patterns. When I have bumped into people and had short “how are you” conversations, I have felt a shift. I am used to planting a smile on my face, saying, “good!” and listing off my current projects or accomplishments. (“See??! I am, see?!?”)

It’s been really nice to look people directly in the eye and just say, “I am really good.”

And that’s because I am spent boatloads of time outside under trees, or dancing at music shows, or seeing friends or taking long walks or drinking coffee in coffee shops or strolling through bookstores…

This frivolous activity has to be a part of my regular world, and fit in there between Job A and Job B and Goal A and Goal B. Or else I will be a very unhappy dog. And I will eat someone’s shoe.

I think back to that time in the winter where I had an awful cold I couldn’t get rid of, and also a ridiculous back pain that felt like it came out of nowhere. And my manager, Matt, took one look at me when I stepped into work one evening and made me get a cup of tea and talk to him. I was frustrated that I couldn’t handle my workload/rehearsals/class on top of that. And I lost with him. Crying! Ha! I was so frustrated with myself. “Other people can do doubles! Why can’t I?” Other people can do twice as many shows or classes as me on top of their work schedule. Why was that hard for me too? “You have to understand that you have a different constitution,” I remember him saying. My needs are different. Maybe I am a bit more sensitive or need more rest and downtime and that’s okay. I just need to be aware of it and adjust my life to that.

So, perhaps my current life situation does not include my ideal work life. Yet. And that’s okay. That’s where I am right now.

For some reason I keep thinking about Rachael Ray. Do you think she had any clue that she would one day be “Rachael Ray”? I think she just started cooking and doing food presentations because that’s what she enjoyed. And one thing led to another led to another led to another.

While I do have some reservations about the simple, “Do what you love and the money will follow,” I do think it’s a starter in the right direction. It takes a lot more than the “doing” for the money to follow! So, I think part of the idea is to find what it is you love to do. Get creative with that. Figure out how to sell it to the world. Then work your ass off. And the money will follow.

Til then. If you aren’t able to find happiness in a regular day that you have to spend 8 hours working for someone else, then the journey will be exhausting, frustrating, and no fun.

Anyhoo. I am still on the brink of exploring the various things I do love, so that I can figure out how to package those things into an income. My goal though, is to find a way to enjoy today, and to enjoy my life whatever my work situation is, so that I have the energy to keep on keepin on.

trapeze sum-up, round 2 September 14, 2009

My friend Maia told me she checked out my blog the other day. She’s the one who inspired me to go trapezing in the first place. She said she liked the video, but she didn’t want to watch me trapeze, she wanted to read about the experience.

Well Maia, ask and ye shall receive!

I pride myself on being a kinetic learner. I learn by doing! Why I pride myself on this, I’m not quite sure. It seems like being an audio/visual learner would be more convenient. This learning-by-doing was a problem in math class. I never really paid attention. I preferred to “teach myself” at home. That didn’t go so well.

So the trapeze instructors explained to us how to do everything. But I had trouble listening to directions and understanding what that meant my body was supposed to do. Sure we practiced having our arms out and and they said the words “Hep” and then we jump. Easy enough. But then when I climbed up the shaky, shaky ladder, all I could think was, “Who the fuck are you people and why should I trust you?” I didn’t trust the instructors, I didn’t trust the safety clamps or safety rope, I didn’t trust the people watching, and I certainly didn’t trust myself that I understood what to do.

It was interesting to me that distrust was the first thing that welled up. Fear was there, but it was mostly a crazy, paranoid fear. The other thing going through my mind was, “No pictures! Don’t document this! I’m going to screw up! I don’t want to see this on facebook! AHH! Stop watching! Let me just try this and screw it up first! Then I’ll know what to do!”

Now I’m going to analyze this. I think my brain decided that by not trusting anyone, I’d protect myself. I was fully aware of the bad things that could happen, so kept me safe in a way. In reality, the clamps were very secure, the instructors very experienced, and my friends and all the others watching were incredibly supportive.

Oh yeah, and I didn’t totally screw it up. Yeah the first jump was messy but ya gotta start somewhere.

Each time after that that I did it, I got a little more scared and more brave. If that makes any sense.
I knew what I was supposed to do, I knew that it was scary, but I was excited to try it and make the jump.

And, to update you guys with my progress this month, aside from the “mental” process…

Another reason I haven’t written a ton about my 30 days is that right now I am stepping back just a little to examine my life and what I’ve got going on, and what would interest me. So I am spending some time looking into possible work options and reading up on opportunities, training, and things like that. And so, although I am pretty bad at keeping my own secrets, I realized that it would be a good idea for me to keep my ideas under wraps til I really make up my mind!

But for those of you who read this blog, and have been so encouraging all along, once I make some decisions I’ll definitely be sharing them with you!

Now, crap. It is 10:44 P.M. I have exercised and gotten a lot of work done today. But, fun? I better go try and accomplish that. Who is up for a Monday night dance party?

Lucky day 13 September 14, 2009

Is it already day 13?

So this 30-day project started out as an idea from writing this blog and reading other blogs and books.
It seemed like a great writing project too!

But as you can see, I have really shied away from writing over the past couple weeks.

I got really scared about a week ago.
I called my mom.

“MOM! I don’t know what I want to do? What happens if in a month I have to get another waiting table job? What will everyone think? How can I create an income-generating career in four weeks? And how the heck am I going to exercise every day?”

Which, I have not done every day. Some days it is more important to skip yoga class to go see The View in the morning! But, I’ve definitely been going more than my past usual… So I am still accomplishing my goal of creating a new “usual” for myself and developing a new life habit.

Anyways, my mom said to be open to the process and not so focused on forcing a result.

And that’s kind of the awesome thing about being in the middle of this month. I still really don’t know what the result will be! It’s exciting.

It has been difficult to really devote time & energy to all three of my goals daily. Even without a day job!

I talked to my friend Jamie last night, one of my oldest NYC friends who is living in Milwaukee now with her fiance Mike. Jamie is a clown! We were talking about that tendency to make really big goals that are sometimes really difficult to achieve. And how sometimes, putting overwhelming demands on ourselves can leave us feeling bad. That’s why it’s important to take baby steps!

Baby steps!

Small, manageable, steps.

So, at this point in the month, I am looking at things in more like 3-day intervals. The balance of exercise, work, and play is essential to productivity. They may not all happen in one day, but if they all are happening in the span of 3 days, I’m going to say, “Good job!”

And to use one more analogy…

Today I did make it yoga. And one thing I have heard a lot of teachers say is to set your eyes on where you go. Your body will follow. Like doing a backbend. (And backbends freak me out and excite me at the same time.) Start looking down the wall and your body will follow.

So, almost in the middle of the month, I’m going to keep setting my eyes towards doing the three things I want to do daily. And give myself slack if I can’t bend all the way back today to accomplish what I want to. Because even if it doesn’t happen right now, it is in the process of happening. Each day I am getting just a little iddy bit better at those backbends.

day 9: whoopi’s divine. September 10, 2009

I accidentally hit on Whoopi Goldberg today.

Me: “Hey Whoopi! Do you believe in the law of attraction?”

Whoopi: “Yes.”

Me: Uhh… Crap… That’s all I had! “Okay!”

Whoopi looks at me. Anything else?

Me: “Cool!”

Whoopi: “Absolutely. I mean, when you are attracted to someone, you know immediately, and you should ask that person out, go get some coffee.”

The rest of the audience: Exactly what is happening between these two right now?

My friend Mary got tickets to The View today. It was so fun. Like, stupid fun. Before the show started the warm-up comic had me, Mary, and Caroline dancing at the front of the stage (by where the ladies do the famous chit-chatting) with a few housewives and Joy Behar fans. And then, when we were all seated, Barbara Walters, Whoopi, and all the gang come out and we are all screaming! I mean, come on. BABA Effing WAWA! Legend!

During the commercial breaks, we got a chance to ask questions to the various hosts. Caroline told Barbara she inspired her to be a performer when Caroline was young. They are both from Boston and knew each others’ towns. And I knew I had to ask Whoopi a question. I’ve been reading a lot of books about the law of attraction, and also, I am genuinely interested in what makes certain people successful… Hard work, talent, elbow grease, got it. But there are tons of performers out there with all those things. Why do some really make it?

Maybe I could have phrased the question for Whoopi a little better but I wondered if she meditated on success or anything when she was young. I managed to spit out, “I mean—do you think the law of attraction applies to careers or success?” And she said, “Well, sure, I mean, anything is possible.”

Alright, but did you like, feng shui your room or anything like that?

Couldn’t get that question out. They had to get back to Ellen being the new American Idol host. (seriously—wtf?)

So, yeah. Anything is possible.

How do you speed up the anything process?

I don’t know! I don’t know. Well, friends have been giving me books lately out of the blue. And they are all related to this law of attraction thing. I find it pretty interesting. Okay, I will be honest with you— My friend Anna gave me this book that someone left in her bar, The Soulmate Secret. It’s all about bringing in your soulmate into your life. Well, that is not currently my point of focus. It’s interesting to read this because of the way it is written—the language is very connected to the heart. Very different from your Myers Briggs career tests: “Are you Type A or B?” “Do you prefer to be around people or mechanics?” In absolutely every sentence with the word “soulmate” in it, I can cross out and write “career” and it makes total sense!

I think this quote may sum up where my thoughts are at the moment.

“The point of all these stories it that although you can’t control the exact day, place, and time your soulmate [ideal work situation] will appear, you can increase your odds significantly by being actively involved in your own life. This often means pursuing interests that you’ve put on the back burner. Whatever you’ve been waiting for, this is the time to do it.”

“What’s the worst that could happen if you decide to start activley pursuing your interests and passions? You’ll probably end up making yourself happier, healthier, and more intellectually fit. You will also most likely end up meeting some interesting people, and you’ll be broadcasting your unique tastes and preferences to the Universe even more clearly.”

BUT keep in mind…

“If you’re driven to go out every night by the fear that your beloved [job opportunity] will never find you if you stay home, then you are missing the point. There is a huge difference between taking inspired action and taking compulsive action. (…) When your actions are driven from a place of emptiness or lack of fulfillment, it’s quite possible you will only attract more of the same.”

So, this sort of sums up what I’m attempting to do right now. Have you ever considered adopting a dog from ASPCA? I went through a big dog phase where I was just dying to adopt a dog. They have this great program called, “Meet Your Match.” Dogs are divided by their “canine-alities”. Some dogs need a lot of outdoor exercise and attention to be happy. Some dogs are “couch potatoes.” It’s a great way to choose a dog that matches your lifestyle. I’m coming to realize that I’d be one of those dogs that needs a whole lot of exercise and frivolity in order to be happy. That’s why it’s become an actual necessity to get filled up by spending precious time off going to yoga and going to the View… or on bike rides… or lunch with friends. And then I can face the days tasks of getting shit done.

Balance! It always comes back to balance. A balance of fun, exercise, and work. A balance of putting your desires out there, but not fearfully pursuing them. A balance of taking action and trusting.

Just last night I was telling Jen that I have had trouble with the “fun” portion of this project. It’s odd that’s it’s difficult to get out of my routine of all these things i have to get done in order to go to the movies. So I said, “HEY World! Help me out here with the FUN part! Having some issues!” And then BOOM, text from Mary: “Want to go to The View tomorrow?”

And then stupid, wonderful FUN.

And an awkward conversation with Whoopi Goldberg.

So, as far as the “anything” time? How to speed it up?
I think by learning patience.

“The gestation period for a rabbit is two weeks; the same process takes two years for an elephant.”

Eventually though, that baby elephant is gonna be born!