the breaking point December 19, 2009

I have found that I have been spending very little time on the computer over the past few weeks. You can tell by the way it looks around here! I feel like I am running around a lot. I put it out there a while ago that I was available for part-time odd jobs, and bit by bit they have floated in over the past month. And now that I’m a commuter I find myself leaving in the morning and coming home later at night on lots of days.

It’s really nice actually. A long time habit of mine has been to aimlessly be on the computer, endlessly checking my email and Facebook. Often I would get stuck doing that and have to force myself to go outside or something else. I think this also has to do with the fact that in my small studio, my computer was always starting at me. “Check me! There may be an email! A friend request! A new picture tagged! I bet there is a boy out there who you like who’s in photos with pretty girls so let’s wallow in that for a while! C’mon…”

So, that is my excuse for not posting very often.

Right now it is snowing like crazy. I love the quiet stillness that the snow brings.

I wanted to share a little of something I wrote when I was cleansing! I was on my next-to-last day of detoxing (the night before Thanksgiving), and I passed the point of hunger to where I didn’t feel hungry anymore. It was a really exciting thing for me to experience because it made me feel like I had passed the breaking point. I realized that this is a huge challenge for me in almost every area of my life. When things get really tough, I get scared and back down. But if you can push through that point, things actually get easier and you get great breakthroughs.

It was the first time for me that I had really detoxed, so it was a big deal for me. I didn’t know how my body would react to not eating food. (Except 6 almonds.)

I’m going to preface this and say that I didn’t have Internet at this point due to moving, so I just wrote on my computer because I needed to write, without considering whether I’d post it or not.

And I’m not gonna edit it either, because it’s all the stuff that came up!

So here’s this thing I wrote.

The breaking point.
Today is my detox day.
It was fine until about 5 pm when i started to get cranky.
I ran a bunch of errands this afternoon while my energy was up and brain was thinking clearly.

This time, I have not cheated. I have had my six alloted snacks.
(Read: 4 chewy “snack” tablets that look like Tums but taste better, and two raw almonds.)

I rented 5 movies from the library.
I don’t have Internet.
My head feels fuzzy. My face looks bloated.

This cleanse has been good for me, because of many reasons.
One is that, I often treat myself with food.
“I deserve this.”
“I deserve a cookie.”
“I worked hard, I deserve fries with cheese.”

This is how I reward myself.

You know what I deserve?

To feel like a million bucks, all the time.
This is not possible.
However, this is the starting point I want to be at on a regular basis, and swerve from there because I am making allowances for LIFE.

Okay—at least that’s my starting point. Emotions are good to have, sometimes I will feel down or depressed. 
But I’m talking physically.

I’m tired of having gas.
Yeah, I said that.
I’m tired of waking up hungover, more than once or twice a month. I’m tired of thinking I have to drink a certain amount to have the maximum fun. I’m tired of my social life controlling how I treat my body. I am tired of regularly experiencing guilt as I attempt to regulate want my child wants and what my grown up thinks I should have.
PEOPLE. Let’s work together here!

DAMN. I know how to DANCE. I know how to LAUGH. I have amazing people in my life to laugh and dance with.

And I won’t block my insecurities with alcohol.

I want to pass the breaking point in my life, in my life’s patterns, in my mental battle with going to the next level. It’s so fuzzy right now in my brain that I am having trouble hearing all the naysayers in my head, telling me a shouldn’t write this. What if people look at me in the bar? What about if I do overdrink? Or if I don’t at all? 

And they all know my secrets!
SHH…

Don’t tell anyone at Mustang Sally’s, okay?
I don’t want anyone to expect anything of me.
That would be, like HORRIBLE.

And really, I am done with dumb boys.

New resolution: I will only buy a dress that makes me feel awesome. When I can afford it.
I will only flirt with boys who make me feel awesome.
The real awesome. Authentic awesome.
I will only eat food that makes me feel awesome.
Sometimes this is cheese. When I can afford it.

But I am not going to block anxiety, or pain, or fear, (My three BIG ONES) those feelings with food, or even with tears.
Back when I took Eric Davis’s class last January, it was extremely frustrating. I came out, and tried to connect with the audience as my clown. I was bawling, and crying. He didn’t buy it. “I’m such a good cryer though! I am being emotionally open!” When the tears had faded, the real stuff could come up. I was scared to be out there. I remember looking down at that moment.

He said, “When you want to look down, look up.”

That’s when you are real. All the real gunk. That’s the good stuff. Let it come up! It needs to!

I wasn’t! I was using tears to block everything.

Then when I found my character for the [solo] show, [when] I found my vulnerability. It is in revealing who I truly am, all the SHIT underneath the big smile. Just to be myself! Amped up, trying so hard to create the life I desire, but revealing that is who I am. I think I try so hard sometimes that it scares the proper events from just taking place.

And that’s when I had fun.

One part of the self that I discovered in September was my inner child. This child did not wanna do ANYTHING. It was having temper tantrums all over the place, until I finally said: “Okay, what do YOU want to do?”

I have been, since then, trying to honor that child. I think for a long time, I was a very strict parent. So much that, I couldn’t hear what it wanted anymore. I heard many other voices. My mind had taken over and decided what I wanted. The child was huffy in a corner and did not like any decisions.

I really wanted to get a career out of my month off.

Instead, I got FUN.

And I got CREATIVE breakthroughs.

And I got a new HOME that is going to be a true abode.

And I developed new and strong RELATIONSHIPS.

And right now I am developing better HEALTH.

I always return to Julia Cameron’s idea of the 7 areas of life: creativity, health, possessions, leisure, relationships, career, and spirituality.

It seems like I am continually pushed to work on all these other areas first, that I didn’t even realize I was not fully embracing, because all I could ever think about was, “What the heck am I doing? How am I gonna support myself? WELL? I want to make great money and do something I love? Do I have to do one million more shows to make that happen? Does it have to be acting?”

The answer is: I don’t care, I just want to be happy! I am not married to being an actor. I am married to living a joyful, full life.

stop PUSHING for an answer, and just LIVE, and explore, until I find the career dress that makes me feel awesome, and is within my budget.

So that’s when I continued with the ever present journey towards a full life.

And now I am understanding that I need to raise my inner child a bit better.

I need to give the child ample room to play, and to work with the child in finding joy, but this child is not going to run the ship. Neither is my mind.

Just: me. Just, my true essential self.

I am making deals with myself for the new year:
My reward for hard work will not be overstuffing myself, or not exercizing.

If I want to eat too much, that will just be a decision I make.
If I want to not exercise, then I will do that, but it will not come from an inner fit.

I am going to deal with the inner fits as they come up.

I’m also going to try daily to do something really crazy: Not Worry About This “Career” thing. That is just another block!
I am going to explore, and I’m going to eat great meals from my local, cheap grocery store.

I am going to live within my pants means, and within my financial means, WHILE allowing myself freedom to live life and explore.

I am going to let the emotions rise to the top, whatever they be, look them in the face, and deal with them.

It’s okay to feel painful things. It’s not okay to stuff them down with blocks.

All the different characters in my own woman-show over here are gonna start working together to make one really great theatrical experience.

I was lucky enough to get some commercial auditions, and I got two callbacks in two weeks.

They were really fun, too!

The directors both had me go back and try different things, they laughed, they said, “thanks elizabeth,” “really nice,” etc.

I began to separate myself emotionally from my career defining me.

And now I have had this great process of separating myself emotionally from my eating habits.

I hope to God this is not a week at church camp, where I go home and fall back into the same patterns.

I want to create the newest, best patterns for my life,
in the kindest, most wonderful way.

The only limits you have are the ones you put on yourself!
Someone said that once, I’m sure.

I am not limiting myself by giving into emotional up and downs.

When I feel sad or angry, my options are not:
-buying stuff
-eating stuff
-researching therapists/doctors/life coaches/ yoga studios/spiritual guides.
-call a friend/family crying

My options are:
-go outside
-take a nap
-write
-cry
-throw things
-kick things
-let whatever tantrum out that the child needs out, and then closely examine where it came from.
-and DEAL with that area!

Time to be my own life coach! Which is great, because I love working with a life coach.
This saves me money. Plus, I know everything that I need, and I know everything I want.

I am getting rid of the shit clogging up my pores.

I threw it all out.
Why did I have makeup I owned 5 years ago?
I don’t want that stuff on my face!

I am getting rid of the mental patterns clogging up my life.
Obviously I developed them through time to deal with life.

But I don’t wear lipstick from five years ago. I’m not going to wear the mental or emotional coats I used to wear either.

I have grown them out!

So I am tossing that out! Not even giving them to good will. I don’t want someone else to pick up morning anxiety, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of losing friends, fear of alienating people. I don’t want someone else to pick the kind of guys who want want anything from me emotionally but can allow me to remain a victim of rejection. It’s soo safe there! I am safe in that pain.

Nope, I’m not doing that stuff!
Good bye, boys!
Good bye , stupid bartenders!
Good bye, dime-a-day musician!
Good bye, “cutest guy in the club”. Bring me that dorky one who looks really uncomfortable. You look… NICE.

I am starting to find I am very interested in nice boys.

That’s a really exciting place to be.

Nice boys might like me back!
YIKES!

So, here I am, a few weeks later. As usual, I set my sights very high on how I wanted to live, eat, act, etc. And I did go to the other extreme for a couple of weeks after the cleanse. Whiskey and giant bags of Doritos were consumed and enjoyed. And lots of delicious sweets. And it all caught up to me last Saturday afternoon. I just felt completely exhausted from running around, the move, and my diet being all over the place. So i did a little one-day cleanse on Sunday, having two of the Isagenix shakes and a light meal, staying off caffeine and sugar. It helped me kick back into gear with really listening to my body. Gently. And so now, after going from one extreme to another extreme and back, NOW i feel ready to kindly, gently listen to my body’s needs and balance them with my taste bud’s wants.

The things my head have understood for a little while as far as boys go are finally traveling down to my heart, in regards to who I have chosen to date or how I have chosen to present myself when I’m out having fun or at the bar with friends. I’m really good at seeming like a care-free confident New York lady but the truth is I do want more than some short-term interaction just to occupy my ego or entertain me for the time being.

Martha Beck calls it your inner self, and Wayne Dyer calls it your essential self, some may say your higher self and others, God, but I believe there is a place inside each one of us that has all the answers we need and immediately knows if something is good for us or not. Wayne Dyer talks a lot about the “knowing.” I am starting to have more confidence in the things I “know.” Not believe, know.

I feel like with the new year coming in, I am entering into a new phase of life. I am learning to deal with my anxieties and the things I want in my life without letting them take over the present moment.

WIth all the career stuff, the wanting and fears and finally letting go, finding a way to detach my self worth from my success is proving to be essential. I’m starting to discover some things out there that I do enjoy doing that I can make money from! I won’t lay out my ideas here, but I will tell you something I did this week. I taught a cupcake lesson! And got paid for it! We baked and made icing and decorated. I had fun, and laughed, and helped someone, and, got paid for it. Sweet.

don’t worry about a thing. October 22, 2009

So I was about 5 minutes away from having a full-time day job. Right before I left for the cruise, a proofreading contact asked if I was available to be a full-time proofreader, starting near the end of October.

AH!

It was a great opportunity to make money.

Could I stand to work at a desk? Would it make me happy? Crazy? Would I be throwing out everything that I have been learning over the past several months? Would it just be something else to literally buy me time?

I started to really want it. Mostly, for this reason: Boots. I really love boots. I like to wear boots in the fall. They really make an outfit. I usually buy boots secondhand, or on sale at the end of the season. I was fantasizing about buying some full-price brown boots at the beginning of the season. Oh wow. Man, yes, I wanted this job.

But I kept going back and forth with it. Is this what I really want to do? Does that matter? I mean, this could be a great opportunity for me to make money in order to save so that I can do things like travel and pay for classes. Very good things. But would it mean I’m giving up in all of this? In my quest to find fulfilling work?

One day on last week I was feeling a bit heavy with trying to make the decision and I went and sat at the top of the ship. I threw my question out into the air. “What is best? Should I take this job? HELP! I don’t know what to do!” Then I realized a couple had just walked up on the other side of me and there I was: the crazy lady talking to the ocean. Oh well—that got them to scatter anyhow.

So I threw my question out there and walked to the other side and got my answer. The band was playing, “Don’t worry. Be happy.” And I started to think about Bob Marley’s song, Three Little Birds: “Cause every little thing is gonna be all right.” And I realized, it wasn’t really about taking the job or not taking the job. That’s really a detail right now. It doesn’t validate me or invalidate me. What’s important is that I am continually taking action to better myself and my life. And then the sun set and I double-realized that my job, first and foremost, is to enjoy this music and this sunset.

Monday came and I emailed the contact, so that we could set up an interview. At this point I was leaning towards taking it. And getting those really cute boots.

And after I sent the email, I started thinking, pleasedon’twritebackpleasedon’twriteback.

Crap!

I guess I know how I really feel!

And the funny thing is: they didn’t!

It’s funny how I spent time and energy thinking about that decision, as if it were all in my hands. Well, looks like there was someone else out there who wanted the job more than me and they got it! I guess I really didn’t have to worry about a thing after all!

Anyways, after taking all the past month+ off of working to contemplate and take naps, this full-time job possibility was a good kick-in-the-butt to make some focused decisions about how I want to spend the next couple months.

If I want to spend time taking more naps and more walks, well fine—Just decide it and do it. And let it just be that for a while. Money will be tight with just taking part-time work as it comes in, so it’s time to get comfortable pinching those pennies.

It may be another year I buy boots secondhand.
But every pair of secondhand boots I have, I love dearly.

miracle year, miracle thinking October 6, 2009

This is a great article from the same lady I linked below, Pamela Skillings, a career coach and adjunct NYU professor: Genius Career Advice from Einstein—Is This Your Miracle Year?

In 1905, Albert Einstein wrote a series of papers that changed our view of the universe forever. Historians refer to Einstein’s 1905 as annus mirabilis, the miracle year. In one year, Einstein discovered the special theory of relativity, the quantum theory of light, and the groundbreaking equation E = mc2 (and these are just the highlights…read more about Einstein’s Miracle Year).

He did all of this while working a 40-hour week as a clerk in the Swiss patent office. For those in career transition, the most interesting part of this story is what Einstein was doing before 1905. [read on...]

This is so interesting! And encouraging. I often find little pieces of paper from my old dupe pad from the restaurant job lying around. In between waiting on people little ideas would dawn on me. It really can be pretty powerful to be spending time putting your energy into one place and then see what continually pops up into your mind…

Whether you are working 40 hours at a survival job every week, or maybe 30 hours doing random part-time gigs, all that time can be used for you. I think the trap I often fall into is feeling so overwhelmed by everything I’d like to get done, or feel like I need to get done, in order to ever be “free” of work that really feels like work.

This Steve Pavlina article, “Feeling Blessed,” has a nice take on this. Rather than focusing on what you don’t have, he says to focus on what really excites you. I’ve been doing this lately and it has felt much more positive.

day 29. Happy Time. September 30, 2009

Well, my 30 days are wrapping up! Here I am on Day 29.

I started out the month with a desire to achieve some material goals. I wanted to find some work that I enjoyed doing, and make some money doing it! I wanted to open myself to passions outside of performing, knock on some doors, and see what could happen. I wanted to create the flow I desired for my life, so that at the end of the month I could just coast along.

Then the month started and I spent most of the whole first week freaking out at what I’d set up for myself. I was focusing on the end product and all my fears were that I’d accomplish nothing and be stuck at Square 1 at the end of the month.

So I let go of the end product. Then, I let go of my three activities I had planned for myself (do 1 fun thing a day, 1 work-related thing, and exercise daily). It was stressing me out majorly to attempt to do all three of those.

I was not having any fun!

(Funnily enough, here I am at Day 29, and I am realizing that I will have done those three things today! I started the day with a nice run outside. (Okay—a run/walk. ) I got lots of writing done and rehearsing for my solo project. I ate wonderfully healthy and delicious food. And soon I’ll head out to hang with my improv buds! Check, check, and check!)

I am realizing that what I have gained this month is something that will carry me through, whether I am working at a restaurant or doing a cool writing project for a publication of some sort. This time off has given me the opportunity to reconnect with what I love about this city.

And heck, what I love about being alive.

Yup.

My favorite pair of days began with the morning I ditched the work I had planned and headed to the movies with a chocolate pastry, and later spent the afternoon in a daze, trying out everything available to me at the farmer’s market. And the next afternoon I laid under the trees for about five hours and then saw my new favorite band live for the third time in a week.

That = Happy Time.

Part of the impetus for quitting my job and taking a month off was my five-year anniversary of moving to New York City. I was flooded with doubt in myself about where I was and where I “should” be. Once I started to let go of that pressure, I really began to enjoy life in this city. The trees and parks and waterfalls (yeah! east midtown!) were extremely healing and fulfilling to me.

Maybe I don’t have the paying work right now that fulfills me, but I do have SO MUCH in my life that absolutely does.

So I can continue this process from the state of fulfillment instead of lack.

And I am slowly easing into this process, but without the pressure of anything “having” to happen. So that actually frees me up creatively to get some work done.

Have you ever really wanted something (or someone!), and then gotten it, and realized it didn’t really fix that feeling of wanting something? Hey wait, this was supposed to make everything feel good all the time! This was supposed to make me happy!

I still want fulfilling work. But this whole month has been a big old reminder that if I can’t find the joy of daily life right now, it won’t be easier to find it once I have that ideal work situation.

I certainly don’t have it all figured out! The first test will be Saturday, when I spend 8 hours catering. Woowoo! The glam life begins. But I feel like I am learning how to really enjoy the day, and enjoy the life I’ve created for myself here in New York. There’s tons of room to grow and I’m going to keep making space for it to do so.

day 24. Purple Walls. September 25, 2009

In Eat Pray Love there’s this great part where Elizabeth Gilbert is talking about the task of dating and relationships when you are an adult. All the choices are up to you, and in a way you have to be your own father as far as making sure the men you date are good enough for you. She says, “If I am to become an autonomous woman, then I must take over that role of being my own guardian.”

That has been really sticking out in my mind during my month of freedom. Not so much in the dating area, but just in day-to-day life. I am struggling to find the balance between what my inner child wants to do and figuring out how to parent that child in a way that it can grow and relish in the freedom but not scribble on the wall with purple magic markers.

I really like to treat myself to things, but sometimes I feel like I am really getting roped in by that “need” for something.

Each day when I wake up, it’s like, what kind of day is this going to be? There’s an inward struggle between wanting to get some actual work done for my future, i.e., the initial purpose of this free time, and wanting to go lay down in Central Park all day. Or just take a walk around Washington Square Park and sit in the fountain. Or listen to street musicians.

Day after day, I have gone with the latter.

ha!

I was about five minutes away from signing up for a nutrition school that looked extremely exciting to me. I was speaking with admissions counselors, talking to graduates, reading the web site over and over, attending “webinars” … But in the end it felt like my attempt at a quick fix. I felt as though I was making the decision from an emotional place, from an emotional need to have a clearer direction right now.

Rather than sign up for a school, or apply to an overseas teaching job (the other looming idea), I think I may have to spend some time just doing…

nothing!

This month has been so necessary, because I have simply exhausted myself mentally over the past few years. Working working working, and then doing show show show, and then not feeling as though I can see any growth or movement happening. It makes me want to through the whole “acting career” idea out the window! And then, I get all hard on myself. “You aren’t doing enough! You should be doing more! Okay—tomorrow is a day off. I want you to spend it doing SOMETHING for your career. I have no clue what that is, but think of something, mmkay? Sit in your room all day and get shit done!”

“Bbbbuuttt, I don’t wanna! I worked all week. I’m tired! I just want to go out to eat with some friends!”

“Well, TOO BAD! Not til you book a commercial and get featured in a magazine! Get to work!”

Geeez. No wonder I feel a bit wounded.

So I am feeling like, for now, it is a good idea to let my inner child scribble on the walls with purple markers. I may just have to be a hippie parent for a little while, and let my kid eat what it wants to eat, and wear what it wants to wear and go where it wants to go.

And stop worrying so much about clean walls. Purple is my favorite color anyways.

Lucky day 13 September 14, 2009

Is it already day 13?

So this 30-day project started out as an idea from writing this blog and reading other blogs and books.
It seemed like a great writing project too!

But as you can see, I have really shied away from writing over the past couple weeks.

I got really scared about a week ago.
I called my mom.

“MOM! I don’t know what I want to do? What happens if in a month I have to get another waiting table job? What will everyone think? How can I create an income-generating career in four weeks? And how the heck am I going to exercise every day?”

Which, I have not done every day. Some days it is more important to skip yoga class to go see The View in the morning! But, I’ve definitely been going more than my past usual… So I am still accomplishing my goal of creating a new “usual” for myself and developing a new life habit.

Anyways, my mom said to be open to the process and not so focused on forcing a result.

And that’s kind of the awesome thing about being in the middle of this month. I still really don’t know what the result will be! It’s exciting.

It has been difficult to really devote time & energy to all three of my goals daily. Even without a day job!

I talked to my friend Jamie last night, one of my oldest NYC friends who is living in Milwaukee now with her fiance Mike. Jamie is a clown! We were talking about that tendency to make really big goals that are sometimes really difficult to achieve. And how sometimes, putting overwhelming demands on ourselves can leave us feeling bad. That’s why it’s important to take baby steps!

Baby steps!

Small, manageable, steps.

So, at this point in the month, I am looking at things in more like 3-day intervals. The balance of exercise, work, and play is essential to productivity. They may not all happen in one day, but if they all are happening in the span of 3 days, I’m going to say, “Good job!”

And to use one more analogy…

Today I did make it yoga. And one thing I have heard a lot of teachers say is to set your eyes on where you go. Your body will follow. Like doing a backbend. (And backbends freak me out and excite me at the same time.) Start looking down the wall and your body will follow.

So, almost in the middle of the month, I’m going to keep setting my eyes towards doing the three things I want to do daily. And give myself slack if I can’t bend all the way back today to accomplish what I want to. Because even if it doesn’t happen right now, it is in the process of happening. Each day I am getting just a little iddy bit better at those backbends.

3 Things: 30 Days. Day 1. September 2, 2009

I was going to start this tomorrow, but I think I’m going to get a running start instead.

I moved to New York City five years ago tomorrow, September 3, 2004. That realization has hit me like a mid-life crisis. It’s a milestone I’m excited about, and I love the life I have here in this city. But one area that I am not completely satisfied with is the area of work. I have had two full-time jobs since I got here. The one I do so that I can eat and the one I do so that I can perform. And I don’t want to spend 40 hours of every week doing something I don’t care about. There’s got to be a way to spend 40 (or less!) hours giving something of value to the world and getting paid for it. I want to be energized by working, not depleted by it.

So, I quit my survival job. Now I’m going to do something I’ve fantasized about during my entire New York experience. I’m going to take 30 days off of survival work. And I’m going to spend that time creating the flow I want for my life.

That’s from a Steve Pavlina quote, a writer who is really inspiring me these days: “Create the flow, and then coast where you want to go.”

I had a lightbulb go off this summer. I was traveling through Texas with my comedy partner Rory doing a bit of an odd job promoting a company down there. And it was a blast. I loved it. And I realized—I don’t have to make money directly as an actor in order to be happy. But I DO have to be doing SOMETHING that I enjoy in order to be happy.

That seems easy enough, right? Just find something you enjoy doing for work, and do it! But as we all know, it’s not necessarily easy.

Steve Pavlina has this great podcast about faster goal achievement. He says to “identify the side effects you’ll experience when you’ll already have achieved the goal.” Then, start “introducing those side effects into your life.” He also discusses the idea of creating a habit in 30 days. He says that if you can spend 30 days creating the flow you want your life to go in, all you have to do afterwards is coast.

So what is my goal?
My goal is to be successfully self-employed, doing work that I’m passionate about, and giving myself time and energy to live LIFE.

The side effects of being successfully self-employed, doing work that I am passionate about, my life would involve these three things everyday, rather than 8 hours of waiting tables:
1) Daily pursuit of a passion: I would be making money doing one of my passions. I’ll spend this time pursuing my passions daily, planting seeds for work that I want to be making an income from.
2) Daily exercise: I feel my best mentally and physically if I have gone to bikram yoga or gone running. I want to feel my best and strongest everyday.
3) Daily JOY of life: “Filling up the well” as Julia Cameron says. I want to be aware that life is about enjoying the moment. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past 5 years getting stressed or overwhelmed or too busy to go to the park. Part of my daily schedule will include FUN things that I want to do in this city! (Who wants to join me on this one?)

During this month, I’m going to pursue the various fields that I do care about—from going to auditions to submitting articles to researching travel opportunities. But I am going to be putting myself out there in the work world in new, concrete ways. One thing I have learned is that you can’t control what will come your way, but you can be prepared for it. I wouldn’t be surprised if at the end of the month, something comes my way that I did not look for. It would still be an effect of all the energy and work I’m putting out there.

“Create the flow, then coast where you want to go.”

I’m in the process of creating the flow I want for my life.

So, here goes nothin!
Let’s see what can happen in 30 days!

she did it! September 1, 2009

Jen quit her job!

Jen started her blog almost a year ago with the desire to leave her desk job. I was an immediate regular reader because I so identified with everything she said. (And soon started my own blog!) A year ago she knew that the desk job was something she DIDN’T want to do. She’s spent the past year figuring out exactly what she DOES care about doing. One thing I love about her journey is that she has shared with us a her long list of interests—Everything from comedy to nutrition to yoga to baking. (We have a lot in common.) And, she had the courage to take one of those interests by the balls and say, “I’m giving this a go!” She started her own bakery with her good buddy Faryn, and immediately after they made the announcement, cake orders started rolling in.

I’m excited for Jen to be able to spend a day making a cake, and then having the night to do whatever she pleases, rather than spending 8 hours at someone else’s business, and staying up til the wee hours pouring her heart into making the perfect new recipe.

I think her decision to go for it with a bakery really speaks volumes for her, because I know a lot of us wait around to figure out what we want to do with the rest of our lives. One thing my mom has always told me is that throughout life, you’ll want to do different things! So focus on what you want to do today. Similar to what my yoga teacher says— “Make up your mind!” I think it takes a whole lot of courage to just PICK one of your many interests and follow it and see where it takes you. The place I’m in right now is trying to get the courage to really and truly, wholeheartedly follow one of mine (and to really make up my mind about which one that is!). The time is now, to do whatever the heck it is that you feel passionate about NOW. And she’s not waiting any longer! And I’m telling you, that woman has got a gift with the SWEETS!

If you haven’t met these guys, allow me to introduce you to THESE THINGS. These little pieces of heaven are Fanny and Jane CAKE BITES. MMMMM.
Thank you for sharing your journey with the world Jen! Can’t wait to see what’s next! (And also try samples.)

bbbrrrringgggg September 1, 2009

Yet another job opportunity came my way! I did not knock on any doors. Nope, I received a phone call about it.

It is another job that I am putting in the category of “survival” work. Not a passion or an interest I want to pursue, but work that aids in eating, being dressed, and paying rent. All of these are very good things. But I am trying to transition into paying for things through a very different kind of work.

I’m very grateful for this particular opportunity, and it is a strong temptation to go after it! (It is not in the “offer” stage yet.) But, I am going to withhold.

It’s so interesting.

Two things seem to happen once you make a decision to pursue a goal: An overflowing amount of coincidences and synchronocities which support that goal, and test after test on how serious you are about following through with it.

It makes since that taking 30 days off of survival work would be difficult for me. In The Artist’s Way, one of the weekly activities is to take a weekly artist date. As in, go do something for fun that your inner child wants to do. Every time I do this (Like go to the beach or play in the park) I feel so incredibly happy and filled up. But I have so much trouble doing it! Or at least I used to. I am getting much better. I was very good at doing the work part of The Artist’s Way: getting up and writing for three pages. But then, planning something just for FUN? I found ways to squirm out of this each week!

I plan on getting real good at it. Because another thing I’m going to be doing for 30 days is something JUST FOR FUN, everyday, starting on Thursday. Maybe it seems odd for me to force fun? Or schedule it? Well, I like structure. So, just knowing that doing something for FUN, just to ENJOY life, everyday, is built into my schedule—that really helps my brain to say: Okay, sweet! Let’s do this!

So, I think that the fact that tests will come your way when you go for something out of your ordinary day-to-day groove is reason to really build a support network. Alcoholics need people who will tell them to put the drink down. For these thirty days, I need people to say, “Do you REALLY want to dress up as Snoopy and stand in Times Square for 8 hours? Of course you fucking don’t!”

“yes.” August 28, 2009

I am scared to take a month off of work. It’s one of those fears that will leave and then come back in a giant flurry. There are a few companies that I occasionally freelance with. (Various odd jobs like event work & catering, etc.) Before I worked in the restaurant I held about 5 various odd jobs. In a sense, I made my own schedule. But really I just took any work that came. For a while I felt more in control of my life. I like having the freedom of not having to ask anyone for time off. But then, the economy STUFF happened and shrinkage went those gigs. That’s when I decided I was ready for a full-time job so that I wouldn’t have to scrounge for work. Now things are starting to pick back up (which is very encouraging). There was a five day gig in September that I had to take a couple days to think about. Maybe I could just work those five days!

I keep reminding myself that I will be taking time to invest in the kind of work I want to be doing. (I haven’t officially unveiled the 30 Day plan, but here’s a sneak preview: One of the things I will do daily is to pursue work I am passionate about.) If I start to say yes to survival work, then before I know it, I’ll be spending all my energy selling (someone else’s) stuff on the street rather than say, going on an audition. But I don’t want to just make a paycheck. I want to find meaningful work that could be something like… a career!

I came across this today in my inbox. I’d link the article but it’s the Steve Pavlina newsletter, so it’s just off in the ether of gmail and yahoo boxes.

Accept that you may be a bit scared and nervous, and say yes anyway. Once you commit yourself to stepping beyond your comfort zone, you may feel more stressed at first. You may even be freaked out for a while after hearing the word yes escape your lips. But making some kind of commitment is key. When you commit yourself to taking a step beyond your comfort zone, you’re giving yourself an incredible gift of growth. Your potential will grow, and your boundaries will expand. Things that were once impossible for you will gradually become possible… then probable… then certain.

and

You didn’t come here to hibernate. You came here to soar. But soaring may feel very uncomfortable if you’re used to hibernating. Don’t mistake that initial feeling of discomfort for something you should avoid. Take it as a signal that you’ve found something that really matters to you, and then pour your heart and soul into its pursuit.

I took a breath, and said no to that gig, and yes to my 30 day plan!