Mmm Ice Cream Twix and American Spirit November 18, 2009

I think that since September, I have had tonight as some sort of end date in mind. If I can just make it to November 17, everything will be fine. Tonight we did a Pembroke and Lu show. Last week was my solo show. Creativity, especially creativity on stage, especially FUNNY creativity, has taken up more of my energy in the past year than I’ve experienced before. This is not to say that I have done a ton of stuff. Tons of my peers have got me on that one. It’s more to say that it takes more out of me now than it used to. Yesterday I ate an entire box of Crunch N’ Munch popcorn in one sitting. Also a whole bag of chips. Like, a big bag. This was while I was rehearsing with Rory. Well, that is—when I wasn’t eating, I was rehearsing. We were doing a lot of new stuff, and I had used up most of my audience vouchers the previous week for my show, so I think those two things created a big pit of anxiety. Crunch N’ Munch seemed liked the answer at the time. (The show went well though, despite the copious amount of caramel popcorn ingested 24 hours prior.)

I decided I wanted to do a solo show way back in February. (Well, actually I first wanted to do a solo show in 2003, in college. Didn’t finish. Then, 2008, at the PIT. Didn’t finish. I think last fall I wanted to give it one more go.) Anyways, when I began this one, I would have a ton of ideas, write them down, and then not look at them for two months. They hurt to look at. They felt uncomfortable. I liked the idea of what I wrote, but the thought of standing up and playing these various oddball characters made me want to squirm out of it.

But it was still this creative dream to do this show. It lingered around, so I knew I just had to do it. I would talk about it at work with friends there. That’s when I found out that Maia had done a lot of directing of solo work. We met for lunch one day, and she suggested that we just take what I had and go outside and play with it. Just have fun.

This is what opened the door for me to actually move forward with it. Just the idea that I could play, that I could take what I had written down and be 8 years old in the park creating characters freed me up. After that, I wrote and wrote and wrote. (It’s fitting that she later became my director, and was instrumental in the entire process.)

And then, yet again, several weeks went by where I could not look at it.

We continued sporadically working on it, and I decided the only way that I would complete this show was to have a date set to actually perform it.

That’s when I began referring to the project as “this fucking solo show.”

I resisted writing it. I did not want to. I felt completely self-conscious of my ideas. I had the entire month of September off, which would have been a great opportunity to focus on this show. But, nope. I sat at the computer and felt so much inner resistance to just writing something, anything. Something BAD, please, just anything! I couldn’t do it. I had to get up and walk away.

But there was a sinking feeling throughout the whole time that I was just putting off this thing I had to do. Why did I have to? I don’t know. Because it had been a dream to do it.

I felt self conscious reading my monologues to Maia (when I finally got around to rehearsing), and she had the genius to see what worked completely and what was just slightly off.

It’s the slightly off that will get you every time. There’s something good about this monologue, character, job/apartment/boy, but it doesn’t quite do the trick. I should like it, but I don’t. She was able to the slightly off for being off, and we ran with the character that worked.

That’s when the fun started.

I’ve done a lot of emotional eating lately. The weird thing is, I am not sure exactly what emotions I am trying to bottle up here. I also haven’t done yoga in almost 3 weeks. My joints ACHE. And the longer I wait, the harder it is to go back. But i find an excuse daily not to.

My latest treat is chocolate and cigarettes. At night, in this apartment. Okay, I’ve done it twice in the past week. Maybe it’s because I’m moving in a week and not allowed to smoke inside there. I like this rule. I don’t want the house to smell smoky. But it feels like pure decadence to sit down at the end of the night and eat a twix while smoking a cigarette. I don’t think I am even inhaling these things right, and the smoke keeps getting in my eyes. It is still a relaxing non-habit. Maybe I also feel so rebellious. I never ever smoke inside here. I may as well live it up before the next Phase of life begins.

But it’s the anxiety that is an issue. It’s a problem. My stomach has hurt for a couple of weeks. The night before my show I couldn’t sleep, because I was so excited. That was a happy place to be. And the night after my show, I slept so well. Like a baby. But besides that: just nervous energy.

So now I don’t have any major commitments for some time, and that feels really freeing. I’ve been freaking out over work and I’m making the command decision to just let it go for a week and give myself this free time to pack.

I can call twelve temp companies once I am settled into my new place. I can drop off my resume at 20 restaurants. It will be fine.

But I have been thinking a little about this blog, and about where I was mentally in July and August. It was safe then, to be in dreaming and hope mode. What would it be like if I could quit my job? What would I discover if I had a whole month without working? What could happen if I followed through on my desire to do this solo project? What if I moved?

I’m going from dream mode into just taking the chance mode and doing these things. I am not sure what materially I have to show for the changes I’ve made in my life. I still look at jobs and nothing REALLY excites me. A new career net did not appear. I did not exercise as much as I had wanted, and have managed to not exercise at all in nearly a month. Let’s not discuss money. You get the idea.

But I feel like this year for me has been me saying, “I’m not gonna wait for someone else to decide that it’s time for me to have X.” This is an idea I regularly live out when I see attractive boys. Some guy friends will tell me it’s a bad idea to go up to a guy—that’s his job. But you know what? I am not going to wait for someone to decide that I am attractive. If I see someone cute, I will talk to him. I can happily say I have had my share of interesting experiences, and rejections, and I feel bolder and more confident. Because I get it now—Being rejected is the worst thing that can happen, and you know what? It really isn’t that bad! Ha! It’s empowering!

By quitting my job and taking my time off I was saying, “I am not going to wait for my best life to happen to me. I am going to make it happen.” By actually following through on a dream of this show, I have now set myself creatively to move forward with a project that can merge multiple interests.

So, yeah, I’m broke.

I weigh 10 pounds more than I did a year ago.

I’m leaving my place in the center of Manhattan.

And I’m still not quite sure what career path to pursue, or how to pursue it.

But you know what? I like it this way. (Okay, not the 10 pounds part. Note to self: Next time you spend 2 months in Texas, don’t eat and drink like like Romans do.)

Maia told me this quote—I can’t remember where from—but a guy said this, “All i need in life in order to be happy is a good pair of walking shoes and a library card.”

That just sticks out so much to me, because when I quit thinking, analyzing, and worrying, I can see what an absolute blast I am having right now in my life, and I can recognize that some of these stomach pains come from pure excitement about what the future holds.

If I can simply give myself permission to not be anxious about the rest of the year, but simply embrace and enjoy this transition, and whatever querky job situation I can land, I think it’s going to be a great holiday season. Mentally and creatively, I feel set up for what the next season has to offer.

And I can’t wait to see what the next year holds.

30th day: Three conversations. October 1, 2009

Well, it’s winding down! Day 30 is here and will be over in about an hour.

I think my past few posts have summed up what I’m really taking from this month. Mostly, the renewed ability to enjoy each day for what it is, where I am, and what I have in my life.

I have felt pretty open to the world around me during this month. As a result, I have had some interesting conversations with random strangers.

The first one happened one random Friday night when all my plans fell apart due to poor planning, stupid trains, and a late-running rehearsal. I was headed home around 9pm and not sure what to do with myself. I decided to get out at Union Square and take a stroll. There was a drum circle going on with crowds of people, kids skateboarding nearly on my toes, and a general wave of folks walking around.

A boy stopped me and said, “Excuse me, are you Russian?”

At first I thought he was going to ask me where I got my haircut.

“No, why do you ask?”

“I just like Russian girls and you have that look to you.”

Haha. Okay. I see. The funny thing is, this is a very young guy. He’s got to be around 18. This was a first—to be hit on by someone almost 10 years younger than me. I was curious to see exactly what he had up his sleeve so I kept talking to him.

Alex had recently turned 19. He was in college, and his passion was writing. His favorite writer was Hunter S. Thompson. He asked me what I did and I said I was a performer, which he thought was awesome. He thought it was great that I was pursuing my passion. We got into a conversation about the pursuit of art. He had complete conviction that he would always want to write, no matter how much money he had. He knew all that would ever matter to him was that he was true to his passion.

He definitely had some fantasies about the lifestyle of an artist.

“Yeah, but, what happens when you get tired of that lifestyle, of just getting by? Of working other jobs to support your art?” I asked him.

“Well, I just know I will always be true to my art. I’m never gonna give up. I can tell you are a passionate person, and that you feel the same way about yours.”

Yeaeeeehhhhhhhh i gueeeeeessss…..

I hated to burst his bubble, but I told him I was actually not so sure about that.

And that’s the thing—For a long time, my priority has been my art. But I am coming to the place where I don’t want to base my life around my work. I want to base my work around my life! I want to put my energy into something that will not only feed my creative needs, but will also literally FEED me.

I am all for pursuing your passions!

Yes, hello! That’s what this is all about!

But that’s been the biggest lightbulb for me.

My passions are shifting… Not necessarily all about the stage anymore. Now they have a lot to do with simply enjoying life. And creating the life I truly desire for myself.

I did not give the young writer my number. I wished him much luck with the ladies his age. And with his writing. I think he’ll be fine.

The next conversation happened at the Food Emporium.

I was the last in line. “This register’s closed,” the girl would say to everyone who came up after me. I just wanted to get my groceries and get outta there.

“Is that any good?” She pointed to the sushi I was buying. “I’ve never tried it before. I’m scared of raw stuff.”

“Yeah, it’s really good! And there’s plenty you can try that isn’t raw. It will say on the package. This has cooked shrimp and avocado.”

“Oh well, I can’t eat avocado. I just went and got all of these tests done and they told me exactly what foods were good for my body, and which my body couldn’t handle.”

The girl was very interested in nutrition, and had just finished nursing school. She spent a lot of time interning at a hospital, but it freaked her out too much to continue. She was seeing people die. DIE! Young people!

AG!

That’s real stuff. She was back in school, pursuing a different degree (brain fart—I don’t remember what in. But it is health-related.) Anyways, we ended up chatting for about 15 minutes about the current state of health in the U.S. She was volunteering with teenagers whose parents were off working two or three jobs, and she was mentoring those kids—helping them to believe in their options in life, and learn how to take good care of themselves!

Pretty cool.

So, there’s the young writer who wants to write to change the world. And the girl who is working with youth, to give them the tools they need to change the world!

Both great, but different, but similar, things.

And then today, on my thirtieth day, I went to the dentist. Yes, I am linking this dentist, because they are amazing, and yes, I went to New Jersey to visit this dentist. I didn’t plan to do this on my 30th day, but I made the appointment a while ago and decided, what the heck, I’ll keep it. I used to work in the same building as them, and haven’t found anyone in Manhattan as good as them. There’s a wide screen tv right above the dental chair so I could pick my tv show and lounge back while I got my teeth cleaned! (I chose the E True Hollywood Story: Heidi Klum.)

But catch this—my dentist told me to make sure I got my complimentary massage before I left.

Whwhwhat?

They have a massage therapist there!

So I got my massage. I have never ended up having a conversation with a masseuse during a massage, but what do ya know! We got to chatting. She asked me what I did, and I told her I performed comedy. And she said, “No way!!! That is my absolute favorite thing to go see! Where?” And then we talked more, and I told her a bit about my interest in nutrition, and in alternative medicine. She was very interested in alternative medicine as well, and she thought that massage therapy would be a great way to get started in it. She even encouraged me to look into massage therapy! I told her I wanted to get into the field somewhere, but I wasn’t sure where I fit.

So what is this LONG ASS post about?

WELL…..

I don’t know!!!

Haha!

AH!

The POINT is…

The point…………

ummmm. durrrr……

Seriously, I didn’t know what to write about tonight.

But these three conversations stuck out in my head.

The first one was all about ART. The romantic pursuit of your ART.

The second was about HEALTH. The absolute need in this country for teaching HEALTHY and HOPEFUL LIFESTYLES.

And the third was about BOTH! The importance of creating art, and the importance of alternative medicine and health.

And I think that sums up where I am!

They are both important to me.

I know that I fit in somewhere in these two worlds.

So I know that.

So, I’m gonna go from there!

If I DARE to keep going with this long ass post, I will double sum up by saying:

In yoga class ( ), Georgia (fave teacher) always says that every day is different. You feel different every day you walk in there. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. But what matters is that you SHOW UP. You show up in that hot room because it makes you a better person, in and out. Doubting your decision to step in there, or your abilities that day will not serve you. Some days you may need to sit down, or have extra electrolytes, and some days you feel so strong that you know you’ll leave the room ready to conquer the world.

But all that matters is that you show up, and do your best!

And be easy on yourself. The room is, after all, very, very hot.

If you need to sit by a window, sit by a window.

If you need to take a month off of work, or a day, or a week, just to figure out what you need in life to be happy, to be healthy, well, do it.

day 29. Happy Time. September 30, 2009

Well, my 30 days are wrapping up! Here I am on Day 29.

I started out the month with a desire to achieve some material goals. I wanted to find some work that I enjoyed doing, and make some money doing it! I wanted to open myself to passions outside of performing, knock on some doors, and see what could happen. I wanted to create the flow I desired for my life, so that at the end of the month I could just coast along.

Then the month started and I spent most of the whole first week freaking out at what I’d set up for myself. I was focusing on the end product and all my fears were that I’d accomplish nothing and be stuck at Square 1 at the end of the month.

So I let go of the end product. Then, I let go of my three activities I had planned for myself (do 1 fun thing a day, 1 work-related thing, and exercise daily). It was stressing me out majorly to attempt to do all three of those.

I was not having any fun!

(Funnily enough, here I am at Day 29, and I am realizing that I will have done those three things today! I started the day with a nice run outside. (Okay—a run/walk. ) I got lots of writing done and rehearsing for my solo project. I ate wonderfully healthy and delicious food. And soon I’ll head out to hang with my improv buds! Check, check, and check!)

I am realizing that what I have gained this month is something that will carry me through, whether I am working at a restaurant or doing a cool writing project for a publication of some sort. This time off has given me the opportunity to reconnect with what I love about this city.

And heck, what I love about being alive.

Yup.

My favorite pair of days began with the morning I ditched the work I had planned and headed to the movies with a chocolate pastry, and later spent the afternoon in a daze, trying out everything available to me at the farmer’s market. And the next afternoon I laid under the trees for about five hours and then saw my new favorite band live for the third time in a week.

That = Happy Time.

Part of the impetus for quitting my job and taking a month off was my five-year anniversary of moving to New York City. I was flooded with doubt in myself about where I was and where I “should” be. Once I started to let go of that pressure, I really began to enjoy life in this city. The trees and parks and waterfalls (yeah! east midtown!) were extremely healing and fulfilling to me.

Maybe I don’t have the paying work right now that fulfills me, but I do have SO MUCH in my life that absolutely does.

So I can continue this process from the state of fulfillment instead of lack.

And I am slowly easing into this process, but without the pressure of anything “having” to happen. So that actually frees me up creatively to get some work done.

Have you ever really wanted something (or someone!), and then gotten it, and realized it didn’t really fix that feeling of wanting something? Hey wait, this was supposed to make everything feel good all the time! This was supposed to make me happy!

I still want fulfilling work. But this whole month has been a big old reminder that if I can’t find the joy of daily life right now, it won’t be easier to find it once I have that ideal work situation.

I certainly don’t have it all figured out! The first test will be Saturday, when I spend 8 hours catering. Woowoo! The glam life begins. But I feel like I am learning how to really enjoy the day, and enjoy the life I’ve created for myself here in New York. There’s tons of room to grow and I’m going to keep making space for it to do so.

just in case you and i aren’t friends on facebook… August 31, 2009

Here is a video Rory & I made on our way to Texas this weekend.

Rate us on funnyordie!

… but it’s okay to change it. August 17, 2009

Now today is what I call a day!

I woke up at 8am to do a bit of work. This was my own work for some projects happening, and so I was very focused and energized. Then around 11:30, I got my lonely bike out (the rain had kept him cooped up for much of the summer. Then, sad to say, I just forgot about him). He was a little dusty, but I took him for a ride. Okay, no more pronouns for my bike. Anyways, it felt absolutely amazing to ride along the Hudson River. The smell of the water had me fantasizing about subletting my apartment for a month to live on a beach somewhere. Why not, right? I’ll just tuck that one away for a later date.

I spent the entire day outside, hanging out with my friend Maia and working on some creative stuff outdoors, enjoying the sun. I feel like a cat sometimes. Just happier in the sunlight. Happier being a little too warm rather than a little too cold. There have been times I’ve gone to acupuncture and talked about feelings of sadness and they have mentioned going outside. It’s an actual medical fact: we need that Vitamin D! And my mood feels a definite shift after having it. I was in the perfect spirits to go on to improv rehearsal. I’m used to showing up here a bit tired and lethargic. Not today!

At the end of the day, I felt completely energized. It was a packed day, and it began pretty early, but I was full of energy. This is the goal!

This day pretty much sums up what I want in my life. I’m not looking for 30 days to be a bum and sit on my butt. I love to work! I need to work! I don’t like to be bored. But I need to do work that excites me and energizes me.

I have to admit, I am rethinking doing the bikram challenge. Naturally those thoughts start to creep in after I’ve told all of you here, as well as just about anyone within 10 feet, that I plan on doing it. I get so excited sometimes that I just tell the world all my ideas and plans! Well, I need to add an addendum to the last post, which I called, “make up your mind.” and that is: it’s okay to change it.

Maybe it seems like I’m taking a bit of the air out of these 30 days by chattering on about them and putting so much thought into what to do with them. But the thing is, I feel like I am about to buy a really expensive camera. It’s an investment. This is the first time during my entire New York experience that I have a chance to DO WHATEVER I WANT. Holy crap! But before I spend my hard-earned cash on something, I want to do the research and find the camera that really fits my needs. And one month of not working (not counting work I love that comes along!) is absolutely an investment and so I am going to make sure to fully consider my options here.

So ANYHOO, today was a perfect day. And there was no yoga. There was lots of bike riding, sunlight, writing, researching, friend-time, and improv-time. The thing about the bikram challenge is that someone else has already created the challenge. I just have to show up and do it! And I don’t think that’s exactly what I’m looking for in a camera right now.

I’m gonna tailor-make my own. I have a month to have my own ideal life. This is exciting… I don’t take this lightly. I’m hoping to plant the seeds to be able to have an ideal life year-round! It’s possible!

And that’s all I’m gonna say about that for now. I am going out of town a couple more times this month so my energy’s going there. Then on Sept. 3, I’ve got my big anniversary with the city. My lover of five years, New York City. That’s going to kick off my 30 days of… something!

So let’s chat about other stuff! Did you know that there’s a giant plot of land in New York that was plopped downtown, and it’s straight from Ireland?

Three more days left til I will be an unemployeed non-waitress.
YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!

I would like to introduce… July 25, 2009

Road Street Lane!

Rory and I have had so much fun together during our Texas tour that we’re expanding our act beyond the characters of Pembroke and Lu. We are now Road Street Lane, a musical/comedy/video-making duo. There will be more Pembroke and Lu, but there will now be many more characters & songs outside of those two. Stay tuned…

i like dis. July 24, 2009

I think that if it weren’t for denial, I wouldn’t be a comedian. Because to be a comedian, you have to go onstage those first few years and bomb. And you have to walk offstage and think, “That went great!”
Because otherwise, you wouldn’t get onstage the next night—you’d just think, “Human beings don’t like me.”

Mike Birbiglia, hilarity, in This American Life podcast

there are plane rides. July 20, 2009

and the sequel…

harry dies at the end, right? whatever. June 19, 2009

Okay, you may have gotten this idea by now, but I’m just going to say it:

I love self-help books.

My friend Anna was trying to get me to read Harry Potter. It sat on my book shelf for a year.
As did Kite Runner.
And Reading Lolita in Tehran.
And the Poisonwood Bible.

I just don’t really get into fiction. What does this say about my psyche? That escape for me is not about getting in my imagination and hanging out with wizards and elves and defying boundaries in the Middle East or living in Africa? I know that these are indeed creative things. But I am more interested in the creative process. I am more interested in reading about what J.K. Rowling went through as she created Harry Potter. How many boy wizard names did she go through first? What was her writers block like? What inspires her?

The critic in my head tells me that I need to put down these books. Or it tells me I need not share with everyone via my blog that I am slightly obsessed with self-improvement. But I think my critic has some broccoli in her teeth she needs to go pick out.

I am reading Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck. This lady is amazing. One of the basic ideas of her book is that each of us has an essential self and a social self. In her words,

Your essential self formed before you were born, and it will remain until you’ve shuffled off your mortal coil. Its the personality you got from your genes: your characteristic desires, preferences, emotional reactions, and involuntary physiological responses, bound together by an overall sense of identity. … The social self, on the other hand, is the part of you that developed in response to pressures from the people around you, including everyone from your family to your first love to the pope. As the most socially dependent of mammals, human babies are born knowing that their very survival depends on the goodwill of the grown-ups around them. Because of this, we’re literally designed to please others.

This is very interesting to me. I was wondering a few weeks ago if we get to choose what we love. Well, I think that, going with her philosophy, we really don’t. We actually were created a certain way with our particular loves and passions and interests. I am so interested in understanding what my essential self really wants out of life. I think it’s pretty exciting that we each have these essential selves that hold the secret to what would make our life the most fulfilling.

So I think that’s why I return to over and over to books about success and creativity and happiness. I know my dream life is within reach. But you can’t get it unless you really know what it is you want. My friend Randy asked me the other night if I wanted to be in movies. I just looked at him. I was like, “I don’t know.”

I’ve always felt a bit jealous of people who are extremely focused and determined in their field. Especially comedians and actors. Because I know that with that kind of determination, nothing will stop you. But I find myself often wishing there was something else out there I loved more than the performing arts. One of the things I do love is the creative process. The search for happiness. The process of shedding all the outer layers to really knowing who you are. All this junk I go over and over and read book after book about. So I think it is very positive that I continually read these kinds of books, because they excite my essential self! And I think that is a helpful guide to my “north star.”

And if you listen to what excites you, you are a little closer to understanding what you really want out of life! All you have to do is listen to that, and then do it.

So if I can’t freaking get through Harry Potter, it’s okay. I will pick up a SARK book and some crayons and do one of her activities that involves drawing a picture of my dream home and gluing pennies and household items to it. Why? Cause it makes me happy!

Elvis’s Favorite Cupcakes June 10, 2009

I made these cupcakes for our “Elvis & Me” show last night! I did a google search for Elvis cupcakes and I found “The Elvis.” With that inspiration I used a couple recipes from my favorite cupcake cookbook, Crazy About Cupcakes. Banana cupcakes, peanut butter frosting, and bacon on top! MMM! The cupcakes were a hit!

Oh yeah, the show was a hit too!