the breaking point December 19, 2009

I have found that I have been spending very little time on the computer over the past few weeks. You can tell by the way it looks around here! I feel like I am running around a lot. I put it out there a while ago that I was available for part-time odd jobs, and bit by bit they have floated in over the past month. And now that I’m a commuter I find myself leaving in the morning and coming home later at night on lots of days.

It’s really nice actually. A long time habit of mine has been to aimlessly be on the computer, endlessly checking my email and Facebook. Often I would get stuck doing that and have to force myself to go outside or something else. I think this also has to do with the fact that in my small studio, my computer was always starting at me. “Check me! There may be an email! A friend request! A new picture tagged! I bet there is a boy out there who you like who’s in photos with pretty girls so let’s wallow in that for a while! C’mon…”

So, that is my excuse for not posting very often.

Right now it is snowing like crazy. I love the quiet stillness that the snow brings.

I wanted to share a little of something I wrote when I was cleansing! I was on my next-to-last day of detoxing (the night before Thanksgiving), and I passed the point of hunger to where I didn’t feel hungry anymore. It was a really exciting thing for me to experience because it made me feel like I had passed the breaking point. I realized that this is a huge challenge for me in almost every area of my life. When things get really tough, I get scared and back down. But if you can push through that point, things actually get easier and you get great breakthroughs.

It was the first time for me that I had really detoxed, so it was a big deal for me. I didn’t know how my body would react to not eating food. (Except 6 almonds.)

I’m going to preface this and say that I didn’t have Internet at this point due to moving, so I just wrote on my computer because I needed to write, without considering whether I’d post it or not.

And I’m not gonna edit it either, because it’s all the stuff that came up!

So here’s this thing I wrote.

The breaking point.
Today is my detox day.
It was fine until about 5 pm when i started to get cranky.
I ran a bunch of errands this afternoon while my energy was up and brain was thinking clearly.

This time, I have not cheated. I have had my six alloted snacks.
(Read: 4 chewy “snack” tablets that look like Tums but taste better, and two raw almonds.)

I rented 5 movies from the library.
I don’t have Internet.
My head feels fuzzy. My face looks bloated.

This cleanse has been good for me, because of many reasons.
One is that, I often treat myself with food.
“I deserve this.”
“I deserve a cookie.”
“I worked hard, I deserve fries with cheese.”

This is how I reward myself.

You know what I deserve?

To feel like a million bucks, all the time.
This is not possible.
However, this is the starting point I want to be at on a regular basis, and swerve from there because I am making allowances for LIFE.

Okay—at least that’s my starting point. Emotions are good to have, sometimes I will feel down or depressed. 
But I’m talking physically.

I’m tired of having gas.
Yeah, I said that.
I’m tired of waking up hungover, more than once or twice a month. I’m tired of thinking I have to drink a certain amount to have the maximum fun. I’m tired of my social life controlling how I treat my body. I am tired of regularly experiencing guilt as I attempt to regulate want my child wants and what my grown up thinks I should have.
PEOPLE. Let’s work together here!

DAMN. I know how to DANCE. I know how to LAUGH. I have amazing people in my life to laugh and dance with.

And I won’t block my insecurities with alcohol.

I want to pass the breaking point in my life, in my life’s patterns, in my mental battle with going to the next level. It’s so fuzzy right now in my brain that I am having trouble hearing all the naysayers in my head, telling me a shouldn’t write this. What if people look at me in the bar? What about if I do overdrink? Or if I don’t at all? 

And they all know my secrets!
SHH…

Don’t tell anyone at Mustang Sally’s, okay?
I don’t want anyone to expect anything of me.
That would be, like HORRIBLE.

And really, I am done with dumb boys.

New resolution: I will only buy a dress that makes me feel awesome. When I can afford it.
I will only flirt with boys who make me feel awesome.
The real awesome. Authentic awesome.
I will only eat food that makes me feel awesome.
Sometimes this is cheese. When I can afford it.

But I am not going to block anxiety, or pain, or fear, (My three BIG ONES) those feelings with food, or even with tears.
Back when I took Eric Davis’s class last January, it was extremely frustrating. I came out, and tried to connect with the audience as my clown. I was bawling, and crying. He didn’t buy it. “I’m such a good cryer though! I am being emotionally open!” When the tears had faded, the real stuff could come up. I was scared to be out there. I remember looking down at that moment.

He said, “When you want to look down, look up.”

That’s when you are real. All the real gunk. That’s the good stuff. Let it come up! It needs to!

I wasn’t! I was using tears to block everything.

Then when I found my character for the [solo] show, [when] I found my vulnerability. It is in revealing who I truly am, all the SHIT underneath the big smile. Just to be myself! Amped up, trying so hard to create the life I desire, but revealing that is who I am. I think I try so hard sometimes that it scares the proper events from just taking place.

And that’s when I had fun.

One part of the self that I discovered in September was my inner child. This child did not wanna do ANYTHING. It was having temper tantrums all over the place, until I finally said: “Okay, what do YOU want to do?”

I have been, since then, trying to honor that child. I think for a long time, I was a very strict parent. So much that, I couldn’t hear what it wanted anymore. I heard many other voices. My mind had taken over and decided what I wanted. The child was huffy in a corner and did not like any decisions.

I really wanted to get a career out of my month off.

Instead, I got FUN.

And I got CREATIVE breakthroughs.

And I got a new HOME that is going to be a true abode.

And I developed new and strong RELATIONSHIPS.

And right now I am developing better HEALTH.

I always return to Julia Cameron’s idea of the 7 areas of life: creativity, health, possessions, leisure, relationships, career, and spirituality.

It seems like I am continually pushed to work on all these other areas first, that I didn’t even realize I was not fully embracing, because all I could ever think about was, “What the heck am I doing? How am I gonna support myself? WELL? I want to make great money and do something I love? Do I have to do one million more shows to make that happen? Does it have to be acting?”

The answer is: I don’t care, I just want to be happy! I am not married to being an actor. I am married to living a joyful, full life.

stop PUSHING for an answer, and just LIVE, and explore, until I find the career dress that makes me feel awesome, and is within my budget.

So that’s when I continued with the ever present journey towards a full life.

And now I am understanding that I need to raise my inner child a bit better.

I need to give the child ample room to play, and to work with the child in finding joy, but this child is not going to run the ship. Neither is my mind.

Just: me. Just, my true essential self.

I am making deals with myself for the new year:
My reward for hard work will not be overstuffing myself, or not exercizing.

If I want to eat too much, that will just be a decision I make.
If I want to not exercise, then I will do that, but it will not come from an inner fit.

I am going to deal with the inner fits as they come up.

I’m also going to try daily to do something really crazy: Not Worry About This “Career” thing. That is just another block!
I am going to explore, and I’m going to eat great meals from my local, cheap grocery store.

I am going to live within my pants means, and within my financial means, WHILE allowing myself freedom to live life and explore.

I am going to let the emotions rise to the top, whatever they be, look them in the face, and deal with them.

It’s okay to feel painful things. It’s not okay to stuff them down with blocks.

All the different characters in my own woman-show over here are gonna start working together to make one really great theatrical experience.

I was lucky enough to get some commercial auditions, and I got two callbacks in two weeks.

They were really fun, too!

The directors both had me go back and try different things, they laughed, they said, “thanks elizabeth,” “really nice,” etc.

I began to separate myself emotionally from my career defining me.

And now I have had this great process of separating myself emotionally from my eating habits.

I hope to God this is not a week at church camp, where I go home and fall back into the same patterns.

I want to create the newest, best patterns for my life,
in the kindest, most wonderful way.

The only limits you have are the ones you put on yourself!
Someone said that once, I’m sure.

I am not limiting myself by giving into emotional up and downs.

When I feel sad or angry, my options are not:
-buying stuff
-eating stuff
-researching therapists/doctors/life coaches/ yoga studios/spiritual guides.
-call a friend/family crying

My options are:
-go outside
-take a nap
-write
-cry
-throw things
-kick things
-let whatever tantrum out that the child needs out, and then closely examine where it came from.
-and DEAL with that area!

Time to be my own life coach! Which is great, because I love working with a life coach.
This saves me money. Plus, I know everything that I need, and I know everything I want.

I am getting rid of the shit clogging up my pores.

I threw it all out.
Why did I have makeup I owned 5 years ago?
I don’t want that stuff on my face!

I am getting rid of the mental patterns clogging up my life.
Obviously I developed them through time to deal with life.

But I don’t wear lipstick from five years ago. I’m not going to wear the mental or emotional coats I used to wear either.

I have grown them out!

So I am tossing that out! Not even giving them to good will. I don’t want someone else to pick up morning anxiety, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of losing friends, fear of alienating people. I don’t want someone else to pick the kind of guys who want want anything from me emotionally but can allow me to remain a victim of rejection. It’s soo safe there! I am safe in that pain.

Nope, I’m not doing that stuff!
Good bye, boys!
Good bye , stupid bartenders!
Good bye, dime-a-day musician!
Good bye, “cutest guy in the club”. Bring me that dorky one who looks really uncomfortable. You look… NICE.

I am starting to find I am very interested in nice boys.

That’s a really exciting place to be.

Nice boys might like me back!
YIKES!

So, here I am, a few weeks later. As usual, I set my sights very high on how I wanted to live, eat, act, etc. And I did go to the other extreme for a couple of weeks after the cleanse. Whiskey and giant bags of Doritos were consumed and enjoyed. And lots of delicious sweets. And it all caught up to me last Saturday afternoon. I just felt completely exhausted from running around, the move, and my diet being all over the place. So i did a little one-day cleanse on Sunday, having two of the Isagenix shakes and a light meal, staying off caffeine and sugar. It helped me kick back into gear with really listening to my body. Gently. And so now, after going from one extreme to another extreme and back, NOW i feel ready to kindly, gently listen to my body’s needs and balance them with my taste bud’s wants.

The things my head have understood for a little while as far as boys go are finally traveling down to my heart, in regards to who I have chosen to date or how I have chosen to present myself when I’m out having fun or at the bar with friends. I’m really good at seeming like a care-free confident New York lady but the truth is I do want more than some short-term interaction just to occupy my ego or entertain me for the time being.

Martha Beck calls it your inner self, and Wayne Dyer calls it your essential self, some may say your higher self and others, God, but I believe there is a place inside each one of us that has all the answers we need and immediately knows if something is good for us or not. Wayne Dyer talks a lot about the “knowing.” I am starting to have more confidence in the things I “know.” Not believe, know.

I feel like with the new year coming in, I am entering into a new phase of life. I am learning to deal with my anxieties and the things I want in my life without letting them take over the present moment.

WIth all the career stuff, the wanting and fears and finally letting go, finding a way to detach my self worth from my success is proving to be essential. I’m starting to discover some things out there that I do enjoy doing that I can make money from! I won’t lay out my ideas here, but I will tell you something I did this week. I taught a cupcake lesson! And got paid for it! We baked and made icing and decorated. I had fun, and laughed, and helped someone, and, got paid for it. Sweet.

Yoga Download Sale November 25, 2009

Jen told me about Yoga Download a while ago, and I’ve just started using it recently. I am trying to create my own home practice and I’m starting with a very easy basic yoga class. I find that starting the day with some light stretching is a great way to both wake up and start the day feeling good.

Right now they are having a membership sale, so it’s a good time to join!

Day 7 of the cleanse. okay I’m ready for hot chocolate. November 24, 2009

Still feeling pretty great from this cleanse. I think the biggest difference in my day-to-day experience that I haven’t felt overly full, or super hungry. Which seems odd. I have pretty much stayed in that place in the middle. When I have felt tired, it was either time for the next shake or a snack, like a few almonds or celery. (Yeah! celery!) Or the meal of the day.

The hardest thing for me in this little week has been staying away from hot, frothy coffee and espresso drinks. Yesterday was the first day I craved caffeine. I had a decaf coffee with soy milk and splenda and let that be my treat.

I love hot cocoa. And cappucinos. And I’m dying to try that caramel brulee latte drug. Holy moly.

And here’s something exciting…

My catering pants fit again! It’s been a very uncomfortable season. I’ve been sneaking off to unbutton the top button and breathe and hope the captain doesn’t see me and think I’m very strange.

So, Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Followed by a holiday season filled with, I hope, lots and lots of parties. The challenge will be to really enjoy the food I’m eating and when I feel good, stop. And to enjoy the drinks and dancing and not feel the need to pass my limit to have fun.

I like fitting into the pants I own! It’s much more comfortable.

I’m a big believer in getting a head start on the new year. I’ve been working on getting a balanced relationship with food and exercise for a while, but I’m not quite there. I want to be in the place where I can be around cheesy french fries and they won’t be this dramatic temptation that I either give into full-time or feel extremely taunted by if I forego them. I just want to separate myself emotionally from those decisions. Either eat those durn fries and fully enjoy them, or don’t! I’m hoping this regimented week will help me to make good choices without feeling like I’m limiting my experience of life!

Definitely the lack of bread, pasta, dairy, alcohol, and caffeine has had a huge effect on everything from how my stomach feels to my mood to my energy. So my thoughts are that I should keep those minimal in my life in general. (Okay: At least the bread, pasta, and caffeine. Wine and cheese bring me joy and I will let my soul reign free in that gouda and malbec.) But if I am at a potluck party, and someone makes a mac n cheese from scratch, damn, I am having some mac n cheese! (Btw—Someone should do that.)

I actually experienced something odd yesterday. I had just finished my baked salmon, brown rice, and spinach salad, and felt pretty good. But that salmon was sooo yummy that I wanted to just eat the last bit I had cooked. I took a bite, and that guilt kicked in, because I knew: my body didn’t really want it! My mind is just so programed to going a little past that full place that I reached for it. So, I threw it away, and left feeling good.

In other news: I am really freaking excited about Turkey Day. Hope you all have wonderful holiday plans. I’m taking some Bailey’s and decaf coffee to my friend Anna’s. MMMM.

picking out the best apples October 24, 2009

The other day I was in Food Emporium, picking up some groceries. I found myself thinking, I just want to be at the point in my life where I really enjoy picking out produce!

I have a fantasy of my adult New York City life. For some reason this always takes place on the Upper West Side. Not that I really want to live there, but maybe I have watched too many New York City romantic comedies from the 90’s. Like Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail. She has that giant 1-bedroom apartment with a great kitchen and room for things like tea time with friends.

When I have someone over for tea, the question always is: “Who gets the ottoman and who gets the floor?”

(The guest of course. But they always feel bad and offer me the lone sitting tool. Please, friend, enjoy the ottoman! Sorry there is no back to it! Here—I will sit on the bed, so we can see eye-to-eye! Ouchouchouch I just spilled my tea. Anyways, carry on!)

We’re talking tight quarters over here!

So I imagine myself picking out produce at that grocery store around 66th Street. I can’t remember the name because I never actually shop there. But I would be picking up avocados, trying to find the ones that are just the amount of ripe I’m looking for. I’m picking up apples and smelling them to find the best ones. (This is not an actual technique for picking out apples, but Future Me finds it very helpful.) I’d be putting the best apples in my eco-friendly bag so that I could bake an apple pie from scratch in my giant kitchen. It’s generally around the holidays in this fantasy. And I have the space to have some friends over. This way I don’t eat the entire apple pie. (Naturally I have also achieved THE body in this fantasy, and have a very healthy relationship with food.)

Well I sort of laughed to myself because, although I don’t have the space for this holiday party quite yet, if it is really important to me to enjoy grocery shopping right now, THAT is within reach!

So in that Food Emporium that isn’t exactly my dream grocery store, I told myself: If you want to enjoy picking out some fucking apples, now is your chance! This is a store, there are apples. Go for it!

Free Alexander Classes in NY: Next Four Wednesdays October 18, 2009

My friend Jamie (look at her web site if you want to smile!) forwarded me info about some free Alexander Technique classes going on during the next month. (WIKI defines the Alexander Technique as ” an alternative medicine and educational discipline focussing on bodily coordination, including psychological principles of awareness. It is applied for purposes of recovering freedom of movement, in the mastery of performing arts, and for general self-improvement affecting poise, impulse control and attention.”) Her friend Emily Whyte is teaching them. She was at the Holistic Health Fair I attended a while back. I didn’t get a chance then to experience the Alexander Technique but I definitely want to check this out this month.

From Emily:

Greetings!

In light of all the STRESS floating around these days I am offering FREE WEDNESDAY’S!

For the next 4 weeks, FREE ALEXANDER CLASSES will be offered from 7-8pm in Midtown.
Come decompress and deepen your mind-body connection.
Change your habits and your reactions to Stress.

Please feel free to pass this on or bring a friend!

EXPERIENCE THE ALEXANDER TECHNIQUE
Wednesday’s 10/21, 10/28, 11/4, 11/11
7-8pm
330 West 38th St. Suite 805
btw 8th and 9th Ave.

Check it out!

30th day: Three conversations. October 1, 2009

Well, it’s winding down! Day 30 is here and will be over in about an hour.

I think my past few posts have summed up what I’m really taking from this month. Mostly, the renewed ability to enjoy each day for what it is, where I am, and what I have in my life.

I have felt pretty open to the world around me during this month. As a result, I have had some interesting conversations with random strangers.

The first one happened one random Friday night when all my plans fell apart due to poor planning, stupid trains, and a late-running rehearsal. I was headed home around 9pm and not sure what to do with myself. I decided to get out at Union Square and take a stroll. There was a drum circle going on with crowds of people, kids skateboarding nearly on my toes, and a general wave of folks walking around.

A boy stopped me and said, “Excuse me, are you Russian?”

At first I thought he was going to ask me where I got my haircut.

“No, why do you ask?”

“I just like Russian girls and you have that look to you.”

Haha. Okay. I see. The funny thing is, this is a very young guy. He’s got to be around 18. This was a first—to be hit on by someone almost 10 years younger than me. I was curious to see exactly what he had up his sleeve so I kept talking to him.

Alex had recently turned 19. He was in college, and his passion was writing. His favorite writer was Hunter S. Thompson. He asked me what I did and I said I was a performer, which he thought was awesome. He thought it was great that I was pursuing my passion. We got into a conversation about the pursuit of art. He had complete conviction that he would always want to write, no matter how much money he had. He knew all that would ever matter to him was that he was true to his passion.

He definitely had some fantasies about the lifestyle of an artist.

“Yeah, but, what happens when you get tired of that lifestyle, of just getting by? Of working other jobs to support your art?” I asked him.

“Well, I just know I will always be true to my art. I’m never gonna give up. I can tell you are a passionate person, and that you feel the same way about yours.”

Yeaeeeehhhhhhhh i gueeeeeessss…..

I hated to burst his bubble, but I told him I was actually not so sure about that.

And that’s the thing—For a long time, my priority has been my art. But I am coming to the place where I don’t want to base my life around my work. I want to base my work around my life! I want to put my energy into something that will not only feed my creative needs, but will also literally FEED me.

I am all for pursuing your passions!

Yes, hello! That’s what this is all about!

But that’s been the biggest lightbulb for me.

My passions are shifting… Not necessarily all about the stage anymore. Now they have a lot to do with simply enjoying life. And creating the life I truly desire for myself.

I did not give the young writer my number. I wished him much luck with the ladies his age. And with his writing. I think he’ll be fine.

The next conversation happened at the Food Emporium.

I was the last in line. “This register’s closed,” the girl would say to everyone who came up after me. I just wanted to get my groceries and get outta there.

“Is that any good?” She pointed to the sushi I was buying. “I’ve never tried it before. I’m scared of raw stuff.”

“Yeah, it’s really good! And there’s plenty you can try that isn’t raw. It will say on the package. This has cooked shrimp and avocado.”

“Oh well, I can’t eat avocado. I just went and got all of these tests done and they told me exactly what foods were good for my body, and which my body couldn’t handle.”

The girl was very interested in nutrition, and had just finished nursing school. She spent a lot of time interning at a hospital, but it freaked her out too much to continue. She was seeing people die. DIE! Young people!

AG!

That’s real stuff. She was back in school, pursuing a different degree (brain fart—I don’t remember what in. But it is health-related.) Anyways, we ended up chatting for about 15 minutes about the current state of health in the U.S. She was volunteering with teenagers whose parents were off working two or three jobs, and she was mentoring those kids—helping them to believe in their options in life, and learn how to take good care of themselves!

Pretty cool.

So, there’s the young writer who wants to write to change the world. And the girl who is working with youth, to give them the tools they need to change the world!

Both great, but different, but similar, things.

And then today, on my thirtieth day, I went to the dentist. Yes, I am linking this dentist, because they are amazing, and yes, I went to New Jersey to visit this dentist. I didn’t plan to do this on my 30th day, but I made the appointment a while ago and decided, what the heck, I’ll keep it. I used to work in the same building as them, and haven’t found anyone in Manhattan as good as them. There’s a wide screen tv right above the dental chair so I could pick my tv show and lounge back while I got my teeth cleaned! (I chose the E True Hollywood Story: Heidi Klum.)

But catch this—my dentist told me to make sure I got my complimentary massage before I left.

Whwhwhat?

They have a massage therapist there!

So I got my massage. I have never ended up having a conversation with a masseuse during a massage, but what do ya know! We got to chatting. She asked me what I did, and I told her I performed comedy. And she said, “No way!!! That is my absolute favorite thing to go see! Where?” And then we talked more, and I told her a bit about my interest in nutrition, and in alternative medicine. She was very interested in alternative medicine as well, and she thought that massage therapy would be a great way to get started in it. She even encouraged me to look into massage therapy! I told her I wanted to get into the field somewhere, but I wasn’t sure where I fit.

So what is this LONG ASS post about?

WELL…..

I don’t know!!!

Haha!

AH!

The POINT is…

The point…………

ummmm. durrrr……

Seriously, I didn’t know what to write about tonight.

But these three conversations stuck out in my head.

The first one was all about ART. The romantic pursuit of your ART.

The second was about HEALTH. The absolute need in this country for teaching HEALTHY and HOPEFUL LIFESTYLES.

And the third was about BOTH! The importance of creating art, and the importance of alternative medicine and health.

And I think that sums up where I am!

They are both important to me.

I know that I fit in somewhere in these two worlds.

So I know that.

So, I’m gonna go from there!

If I DARE to keep going with this long ass post, I will double sum up by saying:

In yoga class ( ), Georgia (fave teacher) always says that every day is different. You feel different every day you walk in there. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. But what matters is that you SHOW UP. You show up in that hot room because it makes you a better person, in and out. Doubting your decision to step in there, or your abilities that day will not serve you. Some days you may need to sit down, or have extra electrolytes, and some days you feel so strong that you know you’ll leave the room ready to conquer the world.

But all that matters is that you show up, and do your best!

And be easy on yourself. The room is, after all, very, very hot.

If you need to sit by a window, sit by a window.

If you need to take a month off of work, or a day, or a week, just to figure out what you need in life to be happy, to be healthy, well, do it.

day 21: life is pretty wonderful. September 22, 2009

I work-study at the yoga studio (in order to get free classes) with a girl named Wanda. My shift used to be on Wednesday afternoons, but one week I had switched to Tuesday night and worked with her. We had so much fun that I changed my schedule so I could keep working with her. She came to the first “Elvis & Me” show of our September run, and all my improv friends were like, “Where did you find this girl?” She definitely sticks out of the mold—she’s so full of life and joy and laughter in a refreshing kind of way. She was given a book about John Klug, and she had it at the studio tonight. I had to write down some of his quotes from it. Like this one:

“The world doesn’t owe anybody anything because it’s all within yourself. I can’t remember when I ever complained about my life. I always thought my life was wonderful. I really did, even when I didn’t have a penny.”

One thing that is happening during this month is that I am realizing how much I have. I think it is important to step back from your life and decide what is missing and what you want there, and then to pursue it! But it’s even more important to take a step back from your life and see all that is there and give some serious thanks for it. I can’t say I have never complained about my life! But I must say, my life is pretty wonderful.

The other night I was leaving my apartment building to go out, and I was all dolled up with a cute outfit and heels and I walked by this elderly woman. This lady is like, super old. She takes itty bitty steps with her walker throughout the building. Her lower lip is always sticking out and her gums are showing. Life doesn’t look too comfortable for her at this point. (A friend of mine kindly referred to her as “Turtle Lady.”) Anyhow, I was always a little afraid of her. I usually just look away if we made eye contact. But then one day, I smiled. And she gave me the hugest grin back! It made me laugh a little. Anyways, that just happened once. Perhaps I’ll try and smile again. So—this other night—as I was walking out, I passed her, and I saw her look at me and I imagined what it must feel like to be on that side of it. She’s pretty much limited to her walker on a Friday night, and a chair in the building. Her meal options probably consist of what someone else gives her or what is within 10 feet of the building. And here I go strutting out the apartment, about to meet up with some friends to have some drinks, laugh, eat good food, and see where the night takes us.

Things really aren’t too shabby.

I’ve got my whole life ahead of me to try and figure out what I want out of it. Imagining sitting there in her chair, with an achy back and pain in the legs and who knows what else, with full reliance on the world for support, it feels extremely exciting to be in the exact position I’m in now.

16 going on 17. September 18, 2009

So I went to acupuncture the other day. No particular reason. I was just in the neighborhood and I thought about it. One thing that I’ve been doing during my 30 days is listen to my intuition more and pay attention to synchronocities. Why not?

I felt pretty good talking to the acupuncturist because I’ve been taking good care of myself. It’s cool how much they can tell about your body by taking your pulse and looking at your tongue. She was immediately concerned when I told her that I practice bikram yoga regularly. Sometimes 3 or more times a week. (Like times when I don’t have a job.) She said I was warmer than I should be. I actually have noticed that I am much more warm-natured than I used to be. She said that’s an effect of the bikram. And when I told her I have some stomach pain she said that the heat can get trapped in a person’s belly and mess with digestion! Ah! No good. And the kicker: She asked about my metabolism. I’ve actually gained about 10 pounds since I’ve started doing yoga. That doesn’t make much sense! I assumed it had to do with being one year older, and gaining muscle. But, maybe that’s not it! WELL, turns out that for some people, bikram speeds up your metabolism. For others, it slows it down. I guess I am one of those “others.”

WHAT AM I DOING? All this yoga so that I can gain weight? That’s weird….

But I’m addicted. It’s been wonderful for me mentally and emotionally. Like, I can be a little crazy. But I have felt so much more balanced since I began this yoga. And physically, every bone and muscle feels completely worked out after an hour and a half of bikram. And I love leaving the studio, completely refreshed, ready to take on the day! That’s my favorite feeling. Then I’m ready to take on the day.

So I am wondering if I should try another type of yoga. I am actually a little scared. Going into a new studio, doing poses I’m not used to, without extreme heat to warm up my muscles! I have the studio I go to, I have the workstudy hookup, I have friends there. I know the teachers and the managers. There are people there I look forward to seeing. And, I have gotten better at it. Lately, there have been a couple of poses in which the teacher used me as an example for!

It sucks to think that it might not actually be the best thing for me.

Anyways, that’s just one opinion. But checking out a different type of yoga would be worth a try.

What does that have to do with my 30 days? Well, I am trying to create the lifestyle I want for myself. I have found that with free time, I am drawn to going to (bikram) yoga, I am drawn to regular shopping at Whole Foods, and I’m reading book after book about well-being. I really do think it’s possible to feel 100% all the time. So I’m trying to do that for myself.

But this also is a pretty big indicator of where my interests lie.

So I have been looking into various fields in the well being area.

You know what I haven’t done? Audition.
Wait—I did have one audition. I went in for a commercial. I stood there and slated my name. The role was for a nurse that points to a piece of paper and smiles.
I didn’t book it.

…

Yeah. So.

I really would like a skill to offer the world. That would provide for my food and shelter needs. That wouldn’t have anything to do on whether my look works.

It is interesting to me that with all this free time, I have not picked up a backstage. I don’t really want to audition for a play! I mean, I’d love for someone to pay me to do the shows that I’ve created with friends. Yeah, sure! But I have no desire to work on a monologue. I would rather read a book about vegetables.

I saw some music this week. And I realized that this is one of the best things I can do for myself. It is in no way related to work, to growth, to my own self. It is something that takes me outside of me. It is FUN, it is INSPIRING. And, just going to see a band took me out of my regular world. That’s the best thing about New York. I met some interesting people and had one of those nights where you don’t know what will happen next.

I saw this quote somewhere, “You need this magic right now.”

I’m in the middle of my month, enjoying the magic. and the vegetables. and music.

Maybe I will get the courage to check out a different yoga studio tomorrow! And you know, see what happens.

Lucky day 13 September 14, 2009

Is it already day 13?

So this 30-day project started out as an idea from writing this blog and reading other blogs and books.
It seemed like a great writing project too!

But as you can see, I have really shied away from writing over the past couple weeks.

I got really scared about a week ago.
I called my mom.

“MOM! I don’t know what I want to do? What happens if in a month I have to get another waiting table job? What will everyone think? How can I create an income-generating career in four weeks? And how the heck am I going to exercise every day?”

Which, I have not done every day. Some days it is more important to skip yoga class to go see The View in the morning! But, I’ve definitely been going more than my past usual… So I am still accomplishing my goal of creating a new “usual” for myself and developing a new life habit.

Anyways, my mom said to be open to the process and not so focused on forcing a result.

And that’s kind of the awesome thing about being in the middle of this month. I still really don’t know what the result will be! It’s exciting.

It has been difficult to really devote time & energy to all three of my goals daily. Even without a day job!

I talked to my friend Jamie last night, one of my oldest NYC friends who is living in Milwaukee now with her fiance Mike. Jamie is a clown! We were talking about that tendency to make really big goals that are sometimes really difficult to achieve. And how sometimes, putting overwhelming demands on ourselves can leave us feeling bad. That’s why it’s important to take baby steps!

Baby steps!

Small, manageable, steps.

So, at this point in the month, I am looking at things in more like 3-day intervals. The balance of exercise, work, and play is essential to productivity. They may not all happen in one day, but if they all are happening in the span of 3 days, I’m going to say, “Good job!”

And to use one more analogy…

Today I did make it yoga. And one thing I have heard a lot of teachers say is to set your eyes on where you go. Your body will follow. Like doing a backbend. (And backbends freak me out and excite me at the same time.) Start looking down the wall and your body will follow.

So, almost in the middle of the month, I’m going to keep setting my eyes towards doing the three things I want to do daily. And give myself slack if I can’t bend all the way back today to accomplish what I want to. Because even if it doesn’t happen right now, it is in the process of happening. Each day I am getting just a little iddy bit better at those backbends.

3 Things: 30 Days. Day 1. September 2, 2009

I was going to start this tomorrow, but I think I’m going to get a running start instead.

I moved to New York City five years ago tomorrow, September 3, 2004. That realization has hit me like a mid-life crisis. It’s a milestone I’m excited about, and I love the life I have here in this city. But one area that I am not completely satisfied with is the area of work. I have had two full-time jobs since I got here. The one I do so that I can eat and the one I do so that I can perform. And I don’t want to spend 40 hours of every week doing something I don’t care about. There’s got to be a way to spend 40 (or less!) hours giving something of value to the world and getting paid for it. I want to be energized by working, not depleted by it.

So, I quit my survival job. Now I’m going to do something I’ve fantasized about during my entire New York experience. I’m going to take 30 days off of survival work. And I’m going to spend that time creating the flow I want for my life.

That’s from a Steve Pavlina quote, a writer who is really inspiring me these days: “Create the flow, and then coast where you want to go.”

I had a lightbulb go off this summer. I was traveling through Texas with my comedy partner Rory doing a bit of an odd job promoting a company down there. And it was a blast. I loved it. And I realized—I don’t have to make money directly as an actor in order to be happy. But I DO have to be doing SOMETHING that I enjoy in order to be happy.

That seems easy enough, right? Just find something you enjoy doing for work, and do it! But as we all know, it’s not necessarily easy.

Steve Pavlina has this great podcast about faster goal achievement. He says to “identify the side effects you’ll experience when you’ll already have achieved the goal.” Then, start “introducing those side effects into your life.” He also discusses the idea of creating a habit in 30 days. He says that if you can spend 30 days creating the flow you want your life to go in, all you have to do afterwards is coast.

So what is my goal?
My goal is to be successfully self-employed, doing work that I’m passionate about, and giving myself time and energy to live LIFE.

The side effects of being successfully self-employed, doing work that I am passionate about, my life would involve these three things everyday, rather than 8 hours of waiting tables:
1) Daily pursuit of a passion: I would be making money doing one of my passions. I’ll spend this time pursuing my passions daily, planting seeds for work that I want to be making an income from.
2) Daily exercise: I feel my best mentally and physically if I have gone to bikram yoga or gone running. I want to feel my best and strongest everyday.
3) Daily JOY of life: “Filling up the well” as Julia Cameron says. I want to be aware that life is about enjoying the moment. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past 5 years getting stressed or overwhelmed or too busy to go to the park. Part of my daily schedule will include FUN things that I want to do in this city! (Who wants to join me on this one?)

During this month, I’m going to pursue the various fields that I do care about—from going to auditions to submitting articles to researching travel opportunities. But I am going to be putting myself out there in the work world in new, concrete ways. One thing I have learned is that you can’t control what will come your way, but you can be prepared for it. I wouldn’t be surprised if at the end of the month, something comes my way that I did not look for. It would still be an effect of all the energy and work I’m putting out there.

“Create the flow, then coast where you want to go.”

I’m in the process of creating the flow I want for my life.

So, here goes nothin!
Let’s see what can happen in 30 days!