shake shake shake! August 7, 2009

So, I shook up my snow globe. In the form of quitting my restaurant job.
Now, this may seem a bit impulsive, as I don’t have another full-time job lined up. However, Rory & I did book some more work in Texas for this month, which conflicted with my job, so that pretty much made the decision for me. I know I’ve got about two months of my basic needs covered so I have time to figure out what’s next. But also, I am following a gut feeling. I am ready to move on.

Sometimes I have trouble listening to that feeling. I doubt it and give it more time. Once I was in therapy and I really hated the therapist. What I felt like I needed was another round of therapy to deal with this therapist! He was a weird dude, and I immediately didn’t like him but assumed that came from one of my deep personal issues that he would eventually help me work through. He thought that this therapy was very necessary for me. And, obviously, someone else must have all the answers to what is best for my life.

It got worse, and I dreaded each session, but it took three months for me to trust my gut feeling that said, “get the hell outta this!”

So this time, when my gut said: “go,” I said, “Yes, okay. I will.”

I feel excited! I know I spent the exact right amount of time at this job. It was everything I needed over the past year. I needed to have a steady, regular gig, where I knew what to expect and what my budget was. I made some wonderful friends who have truly enriched my life. I was able to use my free time to concentrate on my personal growth. And every time I felt drained or burnt out from the job, I would get a lovely gift. Often in the form of a comedic star being in my section, and that one time her good friend joined her, or a very friendly smile from this one when I brought him his decaf coffee.

So, what’s next? I am not completely sure. I’m using a bit of ye olde adage, “jump and the net will appear.” I am hoping that by changing up my routine, and giving myself a bit of time to breathe, I will get some clarity about what I want in my life for the next five years. And I will make the space in my life to receive whatever it is that’s next. I believe the net will appear, and it will be beautiful and have pretty purple beads and bright red strings and big old hippie sunflowers! Or maybe magenta stripes with pink polka dots! Or it will be dark blue with bright gold stars! I’m open to it!

so what if this post is a little gouda-y. or cheddar-y. or havarti-y. June 8, 2009

Last night, there were tears at work. It was one of those nights.

But at the end of the night, there were a lot of laughs and ice cream on the bench with two of my favorite gals.

And I feel like a very lucky lady to have so many people in my life that I love dearly.

Chances are, if you are reading this, you are one of them.

Thank you!

on the other side of the table May 12, 2009

I can usually get a good indication of what I need in my life at the moment by which customers I am jealous of at work.

These are the tables that I am generally envious of while taking their drink orders.

The Girlfriends Lunch Date: It’s obvious this is their twice-monthly catch up, and they always wait for the other friend to get there before ordering drinks. If one girl is up for having a cocktail at 1pm, she can usually talk the other one into it. They are deep in conversation about whatever problem they just solved in their lives, and my attempt to take their order is generally a distraction. They will always split a dessert.

The Party of 6 Late-Night Weekend Dinner: Maybe it’s someone’s birthday, or someone special is in town. Whatever the reason, a group of supertight friends are enjoying drinks and a meal together, followed by dessert and espresso because the party ain’t over yet. They are generally a bit loud and annoying, but pretty jovial and easy going over all, especially after a couple bottles of wine.

The Friday Night Third Date: Much preferred over the slightly tense first date, at this point, they know they like each other and can relax, flirt, and have fun. Often, the two of them will both flirt with me to impress their date with their wittiness. Couples have told me to get a glass so they can share their champagne with me, have offered to buy me a dessert off the menu, and given me their email addresses and asked me to contact them.

The 2pm Solo Lunch: I love seeing someone treat themselves to a nice meal. A good book, entree of their choice, a glass of wine, followed by a cappuccino. Journal, Laptop, and Magazines optional. This person probably spent the morning at a museum or just sleeping in—whatever makes them happy.

Today I was jealous of the girls on their lunch dates. Girlfriends, who wants an afternoon cocktail?

very funny. May 5, 2009

I think the universe is taunting me.

Today again, I waited on Amy and this time, her good buddy Seth was along too.

Universe to me, “Ooooh… look at what uber success looks like. Try and catch the carrot!”
(Universe slowly pulls invisible string as I run after carrot. Universe giggles as Amy and Seth enjoy their carrot appetizers.)

I felt a little embarrassed, having just written an entry about how she’s a part of my imaginary advisor cabinet. Do you think she reads my blog? Well, I’m sure if she does Google Subscribe, she’d be flattered more than anything.

I’m ready! April 24, 2009

I had four glorious days off of work before returning to the restaurant Thursday morning.

I think I had a day similar to this one, the day my friend Jen realized she no longer wanted a day job. (Who “wants” a dayjob? No one. Right. BUT, I’m talking about the day you really hit that wall and start to sense that it doesn’t have to be this way.)

I had been at work for about an hour, and was squeezing into the server station, and I said out loud, “This doesn’t work anymore.”

Now these feelings have been brewing for a while. But, after having several days off in a row, I really got used to doing work on my own terms: writing, doing yoga, writing some more, researching, rehearsing, performing. Going to work seriously messed with my mojo. I didn’t realize how happy I’ve felt lately until I was at work and faced with waitress-related unhappiness. I found myself in the server station saying to myself, “Shake it off!” I left work with that familiar depleted feeling I generally feel after 8 hours of waiting tables. Oh! How I long to feel invigorated after 8 hours of work… and that will come when I am doing work I am passionate about, that excites me. Work that I already do, but living off of it! YOU know what I’m talking about, right?

Dude, I’m not lazy. I don’t want to just stay home and nap all day. (Although there is something to be said for those days.) I want to do valuable work. I want to give something meaningful to the world. And I want to LIVE off of that, not off of my ability to serve coffee.

Now of course, I am thankful to have a job in a busy restaurant (especiallyinthiseconomy), and to work with interesting people in a beautiful part of the city. And, lucky for me, my schedule requests are granted and I have the days off I need to rehearse, perform, and pursue my life.

I’m just ready for MORE. Do ya hear that, YOUNEEVERSE? I’m ready!
Well, it’s right here, in print, just in case you forget.

just find it and live it April 22, 2009

My friend Maia and I have some wonderful chats at work. She is a mutli-lingual writer, actress, and traveller who has amazing stories, and will say whatever she is thinking at any moment. She’s a force to be reckoned with, to say the least.

We talk a lot about our different dreams, loves, heartaches, and visions for ourselves. We are both spending 4 to 5 days a week at the restaurant, and then trying to use any time left over from that to pursue the lives we really desire for ourselves. I have that in common with most of my coworkers (and so many other New York artists).

The other day, Maia and I were talking about creative dreams, and desires for success. As a single lady (putting my hands up with Beyonce), my heart is fully invested in my creative dreams. This can bring as much emotional turbulence as a difficult relationship! I think many of us improvisers have experienced that low feeling after doing a not-so great show, and many of us are good at beating ourselves up for it. As my group’s coach, Ashley Ward, will tell us after a so-so show, “It’s toilet paper.” As in, flush it down the toilet—it’s over and gone. I think that part of growing as a performer includes learning to let shows GO afterwards, and to not connect one’s self-worth with its success or (this one hurts) mediocrity.

Maia was telling me about some inspirational podcasts she’s been listening to on occasion. One of them says, “All we have to worry about in life is living our purpose. That’s it. Money, career, fame—that’s not what it is all about. Just find your true purpose and live it.”

I like that. It’s a freeing thought.

Seems easy enough, right? (cough cough.) Right?

today i heard… April 14, 2009

Today at work I overheard a woman at a table say, “I really think that’s the secret to happiness.”

Go on…

“Lowered expectations.”

Sounds more like the secret to BORINGville.
YUCK!
I actually used to think that way too.
But I’m pretty sure lowered expectations will only bring you lowered results!

How will you ever get what you want if you don’t even let yourself want whatever it is you really want?

like the wiiiiiiiind April 12, 2009

Working at a restaurant can be stressful. It’s impossible to make everyone happy and things inevitably go wrong. That’s just part of it being a human-run business. There will be mistakes! I try to do my job the best I can, and when people get upset about a piece of meat or the amount of time they waited for x,y,z, I take it all in and feel awful.

I want to learn to let it all go through me like wind. woooooooooooo. When I am a brick wall and just let in all that frustration, it gets FROZEN there. I get super tense, stressed out, and unhappy.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. Brunch ain’t gonna be pretty. Time to practice letting all the little things just pass on by! Really, if our biggest problem is that someone got the wrong kind of cheese in their omlette, we’re all in pretty good shape here.

Update: Brunch was indeed awful, complete with broken glasses and an irate customer. Bright side: Today I ran into someone I waited on Saturday night, and she gave me wonderful, beautiful encouragement. That was helpful to hear.

Chit-chats by Lunch Menus and Ringing Phones March 25, 2009

Yesterday was especially slow at work. I messed up an order (in restaurant terms, I had a “waste” and had to throw out perfectly good food because I put the order in wrong) and broke a glass by the ice station. (Which means the barista had to burn all the ice down with hot water and the busser had to carry up huge buckets of ice from downstairs. Read: pain in ass.) My mind was elsewhere! On the street, with the bicycles. But I entertained myself by ditching my boring section and chatting with coworkers. I asked the hostess, Erica, about herself. “What’s your thing?” “Cooking,” she said. She told me the story of how she was working in fashion and coming home unhappy every day. What cheered her up was cooking dinner, as her boyfriend pointed out. So, she enrolled in culinary school and loved it.

I love what she said about how cooking was what makes her happy. I thought about what makes me happy, what really excites me. I think it is all this stuff—personal breakthroughs. That’s what really excites me. Having “aha!” moments and hearing about other people’s. Actually, more than that, I find it thrilling! I get frustrated sometimes about spending so much of my time these days working in a restaurant, but it’s actually a great opportunity to get to know people I never would have met otherwise, to hear the stories of writers, photographers, graphic novelists, people working on getting in to grad school or med school, and a whole range of actors. Maybe I’ll write a book about everything I’m learning from my chats with coworkers. Life Lessons Learned Over Napkin Folding… or Trials of Life Traded in the Server Station… or The Chats We Had While Waiting For That Cappucino…

a burger on a white flour bun with french fries and beer March 22, 2009

The restaurant I work at is perfect for dates. It’s located right one of the most picturesque corners of the West Village. And ya know, if I have to be at a job somewhere, at least I am a part of life. I can look outside and see cobblestone streets and groups walking around bar-hopping. Within walking distance is a trendy club, frat-boy happy bar, and a gay bar. There’s always some interesting scenery.

But anyways—dates. I generally work weekends, either in the evenings or in the hell that is brunch. When I work Saturday night and then brunch Sunday morning, often I will serve dinner to a couple Saturday night and then serve their post-coital omlettes and hashbrowns Sunday. Kind of hilarious. But I have realized that I never go out to eat like this. The couples come in and start with some sort of vodka-infused champagne cocktail and a plate of calamari. Next they move on to a bottle of red wine to go with their entrees: perhaps short ribs or the steak frites. Don’t get me started on the frites! MMM those frites! Of course at the end of the meal, when they are tipsy and full, they share a chocolate torte and have dessert wine or espressos with sambuca. By then they are canoodling under the table. And I orchestrate the whole event! You’re welcome, lovers! Have a good night! I’m sure you will…

Damn this place makes me want to go on a good date! I don’t know that I’ve ever had a date like the ones I see every night at the restaurant. The whole shebang from cocktails to post-cocktails. (Heh). But really, I realize I don’t even go out like this with girlfriends. I love going out to eat and I never do it. I guess the only nights I have off I am usually either rehearsing, performing, or going to someone else’s show. Which I love doing! But man—I need some FUN. I need some fun that is not connected to performing or growing in any way. Actually, I met with Dion the other day, who I am working with to get where I want to be, and one thing on my to-do list is FRIVOLITY! I actually had to get an assignment to have some frivolous fun. Yikes!

Well, I also love going to the movies. The last time I had been to the movies was to see Vicky Christina Barcelona with my friend Karen. I actually felt like we were in high school, because I so rarely go to movies with friends and giggle in the theater. It was so fun! But guess what—I had to leave early because that night my improv group was guest bartending. So, the only time I could find time to go to a movie, I didn’t even stay for the whole thing! I had to ask Karen to fill me in on the end. LAME.

So, yesterday, my big plan was to go see I Love You, Man. I didn’t think this movie looked all that great, but it was just a fun movie. It was very important that I picked a movie that I wanted to see for pure fun—no inspiration, deep thoughts, or growth allowed. Also: snacks. Snacks were a key factor in the whole operation. I was so excited at Duane Reade to pick out some snacks. Hmm… Milk duds? No, I don’t want Milk Duds. Do I want Reece’s Pieces? I always loved Reece’s Pieces. Peanut butter, mmm! Or Sour Patch Kids! YEAH!! No… no… not those. Almond M&M’s? YES. Deliciousness. And pringles. And a cadbury egg. Hee hee hee hee!

You know, it’s a good indication that I need to have frivolous fun much much more often, because I had way too much fun just picking out junk food. Imagine if I added in a few friends to this equation. The possibilities are endless.

I get so caught up in working hard in order to increase the quality of my daily life. But I forget about one of the most immediate ways to up the quality—good old-fashioned FUN.

This couple came in on Friday night. The woman ordered a tuna burger. She wanted salad instead of fries. Okay, fine… I won’t hold that against her. “Do you have anything healthier than the bun?” WHAT?? You can’t even enjoy a BURGER? So she had a tuna burger on multigrain toast. TOAST. A burger. On toast. And to drink? “Mint tea.” MINT TEA?! Have a beer!!! Or at least a lemonade. (Maybe she’s pregnant?!) I thought she was ridiculous for going out to eat on a Friday night, and limiting herself so much.

But at least she got to the table… Geez. Right now, my life is a tuna burger on toast. Before I judge her, I really need to put myself in her shoes. Then, I need to walk into a restaurant with a couple friends, get a table, and sit down. Then, I will order some calamari, the short ribs—no wait—maybe the steak! Yeah, mmm… the steak. Or perhaps the chicken. Which wine would go best? Maybe I’ll have a cocktail! Yeah! Grey Goose martini… straight up!