the breaking point December 19, 2009

I have found that I have been spending very little time on the computer over the past few weeks. You can tell by the way it looks around here! I feel like I am running around a lot. I put it out there a while ago that I was available for part-time odd jobs, and bit by bit they have floated in over the past month. And now that I’m a commuter I find myself leaving in the morning and coming home later at night on lots of days.

It’s really nice actually. A long time habit of mine has been to aimlessly be on the computer, endlessly checking my email and Facebook. Often I would get stuck doing that and have to force myself to go outside or something else. I think this also has to do with the fact that in my small studio, my computer was always starting at me. “Check me! There may be an email! A friend request! A new picture tagged! I bet there is a boy out there who you like who’s in photos with pretty girls so let’s wallow in that for a while! C’mon…”

So, that is my excuse for not posting very often.

Right now it is snowing like crazy. I love the quiet stillness that the snow brings.

I wanted to share a little of something I wrote when I was cleansing! I was on my next-to-last day of detoxing (the night before Thanksgiving), and I passed the point of hunger to where I didn’t feel hungry anymore. It was a really exciting thing for me to experience because it made me feel like I had passed the breaking point. I realized that this is a huge challenge for me in almost every area of my life. When things get really tough, I get scared and back down. But if you can push through that point, things actually get easier and you get great breakthroughs.

It was the first time for me that I had really detoxed, so it was a big deal for me. I didn’t know how my body would react to not eating food. (Except 6 almonds.)

I’m going to preface this and say that I didn’t have Internet at this point due to moving, so I just wrote on my computer because I needed to write, without considering whether I’d post it or not.

And I’m not gonna edit it either, because it’s all the stuff that came up!

So here’s this thing I wrote.

The breaking point.
Today is my detox day.
It was fine until about 5 pm when i started to get cranky.
I ran a bunch of errands this afternoon while my energy was up and brain was thinking clearly.

This time, I have not cheated. I have had my six alloted snacks.
(Read: 4 chewy “snack” tablets that look like Tums but taste better, and two raw almonds.)

I rented 5 movies from the library.
I don’t have Internet.
My head feels fuzzy. My face looks bloated.

This cleanse has been good for me, because of many reasons.
One is that, I often treat myself with food.
“I deserve this.”
“I deserve a cookie.”
“I worked hard, I deserve fries with cheese.”

This is how I reward myself.

You know what I deserve?

To feel like a million bucks, all the time.
This is not possible.
However, this is the starting point I want to be at on a regular basis, and swerve from there because I am making allowances for LIFE.

Okay—at least that’s my starting point. Emotions are good to have, sometimes I will feel down or depressed. 
But I’m talking physically.

I’m tired of having gas.
Yeah, I said that.
I’m tired of waking up hungover, more than once or twice a month. I’m tired of thinking I have to drink a certain amount to have the maximum fun. I’m tired of my social life controlling how I treat my body. I am tired of regularly experiencing guilt as I attempt to regulate want my child wants and what my grown up thinks I should have.
PEOPLE. Let’s work together here!

DAMN. I know how to DANCE. I know how to LAUGH. I have amazing people in my life to laugh and dance with.

And I won’t block my insecurities with alcohol.

I want to pass the breaking point in my life, in my life’s patterns, in my mental battle with going to the next level. It’s so fuzzy right now in my brain that I am having trouble hearing all the naysayers in my head, telling me a shouldn’t write this. What if people look at me in the bar? What about if I do overdrink? Or if I don’t at all? 

And they all know my secrets!
SHH…

Don’t tell anyone at Mustang Sally’s, okay?
I don’t want anyone to expect anything of me.
That would be, like HORRIBLE.

And really, I am done with dumb boys.

New resolution: I will only buy a dress that makes me feel awesome. When I can afford it.
I will only flirt with boys who make me feel awesome.
The real awesome. Authentic awesome.
I will only eat food that makes me feel awesome.
Sometimes this is cheese. When I can afford it.

But I am not going to block anxiety, or pain, or fear, (My three BIG ONES) those feelings with food, or even with tears.
Back when I took Eric Davis’s class last January, it was extremely frustrating. I came out, and tried to connect with the audience as my clown. I was bawling, and crying. He didn’t buy it. “I’m such a good cryer though! I am being emotionally open!” When the tears had faded, the real stuff could come up. I was scared to be out there. I remember looking down at that moment.

He said, “When you want to look down, look up.”

That’s when you are real. All the real gunk. That’s the good stuff. Let it come up! It needs to!

I wasn’t! I was using tears to block everything.

Then when I found my character for the [solo] show, [when] I found my vulnerability. It is in revealing who I truly am, all the SHIT underneath the big smile. Just to be myself! Amped up, trying so hard to create the life I desire, but revealing that is who I am. I think I try so hard sometimes that it scares the proper events from just taking place.

And that’s when I had fun.

One part of the self that I discovered in September was my inner child. This child did not wanna do ANYTHING. It was having temper tantrums all over the place, until I finally said: “Okay, what do YOU want to do?”

I have been, since then, trying to honor that child. I think for a long time, I was a very strict parent. So much that, I couldn’t hear what it wanted anymore. I heard many other voices. My mind had taken over and decided what I wanted. The child was huffy in a corner and did not like any decisions.

I really wanted to get a career out of my month off.

Instead, I got FUN.

And I got CREATIVE breakthroughs.

And I got a new HOME that is going to be a true abode.

And I developed new and strong RELATIONSHIPS.

And right now I am developing better HEALTH.

I always return to Julia Cameron’s idea of the 7 areas of life: creativity, health, possessions, leisure, relationships, career, and spirituality.

It seems like I am continually pushed to work on all these other areas first, that I didn’t even realize I was not fully embracing, because all I could ever think about was, “What the heck am I doing? How am I gonna support myself? WELL? I want to make great money and do something I love? Do I have to do one million more shows to make that happen? Does it have to be acting?”

The answer is: I don’t care, I just want to be happy! I am not married to being an actor. I am married to living a joyful, full life.

stop PUSHING for an answer, and just LIVE, and explore, until I find the career dress that makes me feel awesome, and is within my budget.

So that’s when I continued with the ever present journey towards a full life.

And now I am understanding that I need to raise my inner child a bit better.

I need to give the child ample room to play, and to work with the child in finding joy, but this child is not going to run the ship. Neither is my mind.

Just: me. Just, my true essential self.

I am making deals with myself for the new year:
My reward for hard work will not be overstuffing myself, or not exercizing.

If I want to eat too much, that will just be a decision I make.
If I want to not exercise, then I will do that, but it will not come from an inner fit.

I am going to deal with the inner fits as they come up.

I’m also going to try daily to do something really crazy: Not Worry About This “Career” thing. That is just another block!
I am going to explore, and I’m going to eat great meals from my local, cheap grocery store.

I am going to live within my pants means, and within my financial means, WHILE allowing myself freedom to live life and explore.

I am going to let the emotions rise to the top, whatever they be, look them in the face, and deal with them.

It’s okay to feel painful things. It’s not okay to stuff them down with blocks.

All the different characters in my own woman-show over here are gonna start working together to make one really great theatrical experience.

I was lucky enough to get some commercial auditions, and I got two callbacks in two weeks.

They were really fun, too!

The directors both had me go back and try different things, they laughed, they said, “thanks elizabeth,” “really nice,” etc.

I began to separate myself emotionally from my career defining me.

And now I have had this great process of separating myself emotionally from my eating habits.

I hope to God this is not a week at church camp, where I go home and fall back into the same patterns.

I want to create the newest, best patterns for my life,
in the kindest, most wonderful way.

The only limits you have are the ones you put on yourself!
Someone said that once, I’m sure.

I am not limiting myself by giving into emotional up and downs.

When I feel sad or angry, my options are not:
-buying stuff
-eating stuff
-researching therapists/doctors/life coaches/ yoga studios/spiritual guides.
-call a friend/family crying

My options are:
-go outside
-take a nap
-write
-cry
-throw things
-kick things
-let whatever tantrum out that the child needs out, and then closely examine where it came from.
-and DEAL with that area!

Time to be my own life coach! Which is great, because I love working with a life coach.
This saves me money. Plus, I know everything that I need, and I know everything I want.

I am getting rid of the shit clogging up my pores.

I threw it all out.
Why did I have makeup I owned 5 years ago?
I don’t want that stuff on my face!

I am getting rid of the mental patterns clogging up my life.
Obviously I developed them through time to deal with life.

But I don’t wear lipstick from five years ago. I’m not going to wear the mental or emotional coats I used to wear either.

I have grown them out!

So I am tossing that out! Not even giving them to good will. I don’t want someone else to pick up morning anxiety, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of losing friends, fear of alienating people. I don’t want someone else to pick the kind of guys who want want anything from me emotionally but can allow me to remain a victim of rejection. It’s soo safe there! I am safe in that pain.

Nope, I’m not doing that stuff!
Good bye, boys!
Good bye , stupid bartenders!
Good bye, dime-a-day musician!
Good bye, “cutest guy in the club”. Bring me that dorky one who looks really uncomfortable. You look… NICE.

I am starting to find I am very interested in nice boys.

That’s a really exciting place to be.

Nice boys might like me back!
YIKES!

So, here I am, a few weeks later. As usual, I set my sights very high on how I wanted to live, eat, act, etc. And I did go to the other extreme for a couple of weeks after the cleanse. Whiskey and giant bags of Doritos were consumed and enjoyed. And lots of delicious sweets. And it all caught up to me last Saturday afternoon. I just felt completely exhausted from running around, the move, and my diet being all over the place. So i did a little one-day cleanse on Sunday, having two of the Isagenix shakes and a light meal, staying off caffeine and sugar. It helped me kick back into gear with really listening to my body. Gently. And so now, after going from one extreme to another extreme and back, NOW i feel ready to kindly, gently listen to my body’s needs and balance them with my taste bud’s wants.

The things my head have understood for a little while as far as boys go are finally traveling down to my heart, in regards to who I have chosen to date or how I have chosen to present myself when I’m out having fun or at the bar with friends. I’m really good at seeming like a care-free confident New York lady but the truth is I do want more than some short-term interaction just to occupy my ego or entertain me for the time being.

Martha Beck calls it your inner self, and Wayne Dyer calls it your essential self, some may say your higher self and others, God, but I believe there is a place inside each one of us that has all the answers we need and immediately knows if something is good for us or not. Wayne Dyer talks a lot about the “knowing.” I am starting to have more confidence in the things I “know.” Not believe, know.

I feel like with the new year coming in, I am entering into a new phase of life. I am learning to deal with my anxieties and the things I want in my life without letting them take over the present moment.

WIth all the career stuff, the wanting and fears and finally letting go, finding a way to detach my self worth from my success is proving to be essential. I’m starting to discover some things out there that I do enjoy doing that I can make money from! I won’t lay out my ideas here, but I will tell you something I did this week. I taught a cupcake lesson! And got paid for it! We baked and made icing and decorated. I had fun, and laughed, and helped someone, and, got paid for it. Sweet.

so i’m cleansed. pass the doritos. December 1, 2009

well well well. you don’t call, you don’t write….

It’s been a busy week, and largely without Internet. Which has been wonderful. It’s nice to not have the option to check email or facebook one million times a day. What did people do before the Internet? Read books, take walks, talk face to face….

First, an update on the cleanse.
Last Wednesday was the detox day where I didn’t eat and didn’t cheat. I had my alloted 6 almonds.
It was a really interesting experience because I passed the breaking point of hunger and felt a bit high. It was pretty exciting. I actually had all these crazy creative ideas running through my head and sat at a computer and wrote them all out. It was inspiring to do that—move past the breaking point. I realized I haven’t really experienced that before and it made me want to run a marathon and see what that’s like.
First I’m going to practice running an entire mile.

The next day was Thanksgiving.

I went to my friend Anna’s, where I’ve celebrated Thanksgiving for the past 4 years. Her and her husband cook an amazing feast. Around 3pm they started serving hors d’oeuvres. This was my first day off the cleanse, and I had some oatmeal and eggs for breakfast, and an apple later.

At 3pm I wasn’t hungry. I was, however, really scared. There was going to be A LOT of food. And I didn’t know how my body would react.

I actually did okay during mealtime, ate to fullness, and not over. It’s dessert that kicked me in the ass.

Three pieces of pie (made from scratch pumpkin and apple, thank you Anna), with ice cream, and a decaf coffee with bailey’s with whipped cream. YUMMMMMM. I was the last person at the table eating and everyone joked that I was re-toxing now. Ha.

Then I started to feel bad. Not physically. Mentally and emotionally. I went to the bathroom and was crying. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I eat all of this? I had lost 5 pounds! I’m gaining it all back! I can’t control myself.

Sound bad? It felt bad. It felt like an eating disorder! It was very odd… Emotionally I was a wreck.

Now don’t even tell me how it was a bad idea to do a cleanse before Thanksgiving. I KNOW. But I did it ANYWAY. It’s always going to be a bad time. But going from starving one day to being in front of a feast of amazing delicious favorite food is really a recipe for disaster.

Anna calmed me down a bit, and reminded me that I did not do anything wrong by eating! It’s a holiday, and I enjoyed it. Her acupuncture teachers had just been speaking about how great cleanses are for the body. They give your intestines and liver a break and are great for your system. And then afterwards, IT IS OKAY TO EAT LIKE NORMAL.

During the cleanse, I felt so good because I wasn’t eating any processed food or caffeine or drinking. But here’s why it was easy: Someone else was in control of my diet. I did not have to think about meals at all. There were very strict rules to this cleanse and I had paid money to do it, so that really helped me to do it correctly. (I did go back on Friday and do the final detox day.) But, left to my own devices, I will eat bread, and cheese, and dessert, because these are delicious things.

I always come back to balance every single damn time and can’t learn my own lessons. The thing is, I enjoy life to much to be my skinniest. I just do. And, I feel embarrassed to share this with you all because I thought I was past that type of thinking, but I’m not. It still creeps up. It felt great to be a little looser in my clothing. But I love to try different food, and snack, and have one more bite and have drinks with friends and hot chocolates. So I think I have to accept the place that I am at. Or ya know, get back on the exercise and regular bikram train. But still—even if I do that stuff everyday, I gotta love my belly in all its glory.

I spent the rest of the time painting and moving and those are certainly not the times to eat grilled chicken salads.

Maia and I went picked out a great yellow and spent all day Saturday painting my room, with several breaks to the local restaurants in my great new neighborhood. The coffee shop has a delicious drink called the Bowl of Soul.

Steamed soy milk, vanilla, chammomile tea, honey, and cinnamon.

Ohhhhh it’s gonna be a good winter.

Sunday was moving day and with my kind, generous friends Maia & Karen, we made not one but two trips back and forth from Times Square to Brooklyn, dealing with the men lurking outside the building giving us advice on how to best pack my shit in the truck.

BOYS: NEVER DO THIS. OoooooooH. I don’t like to do a lot of “Men always…” blah blah blah, but really, Men always seem to think they know how to do these things better than women. Step on back, it is taken care of, and yes, I know how to use a drill.

It was really interesting moving out of the place. Several people who live there kept coming up to me and congratulating me on the move. I didn’t hear anything from my lovely neighbor Art, but my neighbor Fred did come by to say goodbye. He’s the retired pastor that I always have nice chats with. He gave me a present! A lovely scarf and a card. I almost cried, it was such a considerate gesture.

Saturday and Sunday were very long days and I have now tried out 4 of the local eateries, as well as finishing off Sunday with a giant shared bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a couple of beers celebrating the success. What cleanse?

So now I am furiously going through boxes in my new, lovely yellow room trying to find a home for everything I own. I am really enjoying living here so far. This morning I woke up and the sun was coming through my windows. I felt so happy to live in this place. I made a trip into the city and enjoyed the commute with my book and music and view of the Brooklyn Bridge and Manhattan Skyline.

So that’s where I am now. My pooch has returned after a 4 day leave-of-absence, but it’s time to get prepared for all the food and new restaurants I’ll be experiencing over the next month. OH. And, the life-sized oven in my new place! This house is gonna smell like Christmas!

Day 7 of the cleanse. okay I’m ready for hot chocolate. November 24, 2009

Still feeling pretty great from this cleanse. I think the biggest difference in my day-to-day experience that I haven’t felt overly full, or super hungry. Which seems odd. I have pretty much stayed in that place in the middle. When I have felt tired, it was either time for the next shake or a snack, like a few almonds or celery. (Yeah! celery!) Or the meal of the day.

The hardest thing for me in this little week has been staying away from hot, frothy coffee and espresso drinks. Yesterday was the first day I craved caffeine. I had a decaf coffee with soy milk and splenda and let that be my treat.

I love hot cocoa. And cappucinos. And I’m dying to try that caramel brulee latte drug. Holy moly.

And here’s something exciting…

My catering pants fit again! It’s been a very uncomfortable season. I’ve been sneaking off to unbutton the top button and breathe and hope the captain doesn’t see me and think I’m very strange.

So, Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Followed by a holiday season filled with, I hope, lots and lots of parties. The challenge will be to really enjoy the food I’m eating and when I feel good, stop. And to enjoy the drinks and dancing and not feel the need to pass my limit to have fun.

I like fitting into the pants I own! It’s much more comfortable.

I’m a big believer in getting a head start on the new year. I’ve been working on getting a balanced relationship with food and exercise for a while, but I’m not quite there. I want to be in the place where I can be around cheesy french fries and they won’t be this dramatic temptation that I either give into full-time or feel extremely taunted by if I forego them. I just want to separate myself emotionally from those decisions. Either eat those durn fries and fully enjoy them, or don’t! I’m hoping this regimented week will help me to make good choices without feeling like I’m limiting my experience of life!

Definitely the lack of bread, pasta, dairy, alcohol, and caffeine has had a huge effect on everything from how my stomach feels to my mood to my energy. So my thoughts are that I should keep those minimal in my life in general. (Okay: At least the bread, pasta, and caffeine. Wine and cheese bring me joy and I will let my soul reign free in that gouda and malbec.) But if I am at a potluck party, and someone makes a mac n cheese from scratch, damn, I am having some mac n cheese! (Btw—Someone should do that.)

I actually experienced something odd yesterday. I had just finished my baked salmon, brown rice, and spinach salad, and felt pretty good. But that salmon was sooo yummy that I wanted to just eat the last bit I had cooked. I took a bite, and that guilt kicked in, because I knew: my body didn’t really want it! My mind is just so programed to going a little past that full place that I reached for it. So, I threw it away, and left feeling good.

In other news: I am really freaking excited about Turkey Day. Hope you all have wonderful holiday plans. I’m taking some Bailey’s and decaf coffee to my friend Anna’s. MMMM.

Day 5 of the Cleanse… Still feeling great. November 22, 2009

I have this fantasy of “feeling good all the time.” If I could make myself always exercise and eat well and then do everything else in moderation, I think it would be achievable. I tend to get stuck in cycles. For a couple of weeks I will be going regularly to bikram and eating really great food, and then something happens: maybe I just run out of groceries and eat on the go for several days in a row, or I get really busy with something and decide I don’t have time to exercise, or I just have a bit too much fun over the weekend and get stuck in that mindset for several days.

I am an indulger. I love to indulge in desserts, in drinks, in great food.

For the past couple of days on this cleanse (Post-detox days!), I have felt mentally clear, and emotionally great too.

This experience is showing me the correlation between mental and emotional health and what I put into my body. Yeah, I knew that in my head. But to actually feel clear-headed for several days straight, without the use of caffeine or anything else, is a treat. I’ve been laying pretty low during the cleanse, because I don’t want to put myself around temptation. I like being in on the fun! But I don’t feel sad or lonely being at home. I feel great! And I don’t feel like I need take-out or a piece of cake to pair with the movies I’ve rented. (Adventureland=great!)

Now, the question is, how do I do this when I am left to fin for myself post-cleanse? How do I still enjoy indulging but make it a treat? How do I make feeling good all the time part of my regular life, not just a cycle I tend to jump into once in a while?

This isn’t just about weight or how I look. It’s much more about how I feel. I’ve found myself thinking, “I feel GREAT in my body!” I just feel good! I don’t have a desire right now to do any emotional eating. Maybe it’s because emotional eating is all about blocking painful emotions. With that option out of the picture, I feel a bit freer to just enjoy life and feel whatever it is I’m feeling.

So it’s proving to be a really great experience. It’s probably the first full week I have gone without wheat, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, or desserts. And I haven’t had any of my usual stomach pains.

This morning I woke up and had my shake, did some light yoga, and took a really long walk in the park. I am a sucker for hot drinks on cold days, so I got myself an orange tea with some honey. (A little bit of honey is allowed! It’s in the book, I’ll show you.) And it just felt great!

I am finding myself thinking, “I don’t want the cleanse to end!”
Ha!

Feeling great on Day 4 November 21, 2009

Okay, so now I am feeling great!

I am on Day 4 of the Isagenix Cleanse. The first two days are detox days, with five shake days in the middle (two shakes a day and one 400-600 cal meal), with two days of detox at the end.

(If you do the math, please note that my final detox day will skip Thursday and move to Friday. Thanksgiving dinner is not to be messed with.)

Friday was the first shake day and I woke up feeling awful. And that is apparently what is to be expected after detoxing! And, I mentioned I had some horrible dreams Thursday night. Well—a friend suggested to me that this could be my mind detoxing too, and lots of negative thoughts and ideas in my head were exiting the system!

Last night I only woke up once, and still had some odd dreams. However, they were the total opposite. I dreamed about a puppy, no joke. It was the sweetest, most fun, lovable, and playful dog. It was GREAT! We just played and played and played.

Now I am looking at the first two days, the detox days, and realizing my mind made them seem a bit harder to get through than they actually were. I was going into it slightly half-committed. Which never is good. I was judgmental of the whole process, of myself for doing it and paying for it, and questioning that the results would actually be beneficial.

Well, there’s only one way to really find out! By going ALL IN and seeing what happens!

I mentioned that yesterday I cheated and had two meals—oatmeal for breakfast, and a spinach salad with grilled chicken, carrots, broccoli, and peppers for lunch. (Lemon herb dressing on the side.)

This was a really great lunch. I sat there and slowly ate it and really just savored it. The rest of the afternoon, I felt great.

At night, for dinner, I really made a thing of the shake. I am reading various books on feng shui right now and one theme is enjoying each of the senses. One book mentioned drinking a smoothie in the bathtub.

Done and done.

I don’t have a blender, but I do have this shaky thingie (technical term) that at least gets the drink nice and frothy. I made a bath, put on a jazz podcast from NPR (George Shearing on Piano Jazz), and I had my shake in the bathtub. This is really the way to go.

I have decided that for the remainder of the cleanse, there will be no more cheating. I can do this!

I have realized a lot of my eating comes down to fear. Fear of not eating enough and being tired later. Fear of not feeling totally full. It is nice to be doing this regimen to get my brain out of that mindset. I actually felt great at the kid’s party I worked today, leading 20 3-year-olds around the Central Park Zoo, getting them to waddle like the penguins and jump like the snow leopards. I had all the energy I needed and wasn’t tired at all.

I am starting to see what a great time this is for me to do a cleanse. After the kid’s party I went to visit the house I’m moving into to meet the landlord. I revisited my soon-to-be room and decided that I’m definitely redoing the place. Painting, new carpet, and deep cleaning everything. Meanwhile in my current apartment I have been going through my things bit by bit. So as I physically and mentally clear out the gunk collected in my body by doing this cleanse, I am also doing this in my home, life, and mind. Perfect timing.

So, now I am off to work out for 20 minutes. I was scared to do this the other two days. What if I felt tired? Ha! I could always just get off of the treadmill. (Yet another fear!) Today I am feeling great so I’m going for it, and then I’m really gonna enjoy cooking my light dinner. Salmon, vegetables, and brown rice await! My mouth is watering so I better go and make this workout a reality.

So I am doing a cleanse. November 20, 2009

Yep. I’ve talked a lot about detoxing and never tried it for real. This seemed like a good time to go for it, because I don’t have many commitments over the next week, and it’s right before moving too. I don’t want to be the new girl in the house who can’t sit down and drink a glass of wine. (“I’ll just have water with lemon.”)

I have never done a fad diet. The closest I came was in college when my friend Christy and I had what we called, “Grapefruit Time.” When everyone else was snacking on pizza at night in between studying, we’d be eating grapefruit. And going to the gym everyday. I got my skinniest at this time. The thing is, I really like pizza. And I’m not a fan of the gym. So I got to my normal size months later, when I regularly gave in to “Pizza Time.”

Now I feel like all this goes against some of my core understandings about good health and nutrition. Limiting is not the way to go.

However I have always been very curious about doing a cleanse, or a detox, to see how I would feel physically, and to see how it would effect my health afterwards. Lots of people in my family have done this particular cleanse, called Isagenix. They all felt amazing afterwards and it kick-started some weight loss and great nutritional habits. I just decided, oh what the hell. This was about 3 weeks ago when I ordered it. I felt a little silly because it is actually expensive, but what’s done is done. Now I have to follow through with it!

So I started it on Wednesday. I wanted to post actually, but the first two days are the detox days where you just drink this special juice. You get six snacks. Basically, six raw almonds, throughout the day. So I really didn’t feel up to writing.

I felt OK during the day both days, and stayed in both nights. That was definitely the way to go. At night I was definitely getting cranky and hungry and would not have been able to say no to cajun cheese fries. Staying in also granted the opportunity to catch up on some must-see TV. (OH. How I love The Biggest Loser.)

I cheated and ate half an apple each day. I was feeling a little woozy and just that half an apple wouldn’t screw up the cleanse too badly. But this was more for the next day than it was for that moment. I had some things going on Thursday and today and didn’t want the wooziness to continue. (It would be best to do the detox days with absolutely nothing planned. Is this possible, EVER?) (Ah, ha! Already discovered something: an inability to slow down!)

It was the sleeping that was odd. I woke up several times each night while I was sleeping, to use the bathroom. (TMI? Well we’re talking about a cleanse here so you’re getting details.) ALSO—I was having CRAZY dreams. Not fun dreams, either. Negative ones! And they were so incredibly real. My cousin told me that the first two days are detox days, so it is natural to feel kind of bad. Your body is getting rid of gunk! I am not sure why most of the bad feeling part happened while sleeping! I think this may have to do with all the herbs that go into the shake. I’ve had some teas before that gave me wacky dreams, due to the nutty herbs they throw in those things.

(Note to self: Might be a good idea to research which herbs have odd effects on dreams and sleep.)

The next five days include these shakes, snacks, and one meal of 400-600 calories. I have been dreaming about a chicken salad for two days, and that’s definitely what I’m going for today. This morning I woke up, and I felt shaky and off feeling a bit. I think this had a lot to do with waking up throughout the nice, but whatever the case, I know that I needed to eat something. So I did. I just did. I had some steel cut oatmeal with cinnamon and also some almonds. I was supposed to have the shake for breakfast. But my body said it needed food, so food I gave it. I am not sure how the overall cleanse will be affected if I continue to cheat. So far, I have cheated each day, but they have been smart cheats. Apple. Oatmeal. Extra almonds. These are good things. But still, I am going to try and stick with the program as much as possible for the duration of it.

So, I’m going at all this with a grain of salt. I am not sure what to expect, and I’m not even totally sure if this is the best idea for me personally. Honestly I did not do my research, I just success stories said, “Count me in!!!” (Ah, that darn impulsive streak.) But you know what? I paid for it and if nothing else it will be an interesting learning experiment.

Also, let me add that I know I am not fat. UGH. I hate when people call themselves fat. I am petite, so the fact that I am even talking about weightloss may come off as irksome. But ideally, I would like to lose Texas 10 I gained this summer. (At one point I tried to attribute those 10 to bikram yoga. HAHA. That’s called, “In Denial.”) So obviously changing eating habits for a week will help out with that. Also this is supposed to be amazing for your liver. And, I do enjoy a whiskey, and a wine, so I am excited to really get my liver into optimum health. And maybe even toy with keeping it that way, and like, drinking in moderation!

And I’d just like to see what my relationship with food is like once I come out of this.

So, here goes this experiment!

I figured out my life’s purpose! October 20, 2009

I really like magazines. Especially when I travel. This can be a very expensive hobby. I spent $20 on 4 magazines last week. Oh well. Cheaper than a hard-back book! They are the perfect oceanside companion.

One magazine I got last week was O (for Oprah of course). I picked up her magazine because the cover story caught my eye (nice job, advertising team!): “Who Are You Meant to Be? A step-by-step guide to finding (and fulfilling) your life’s purpose.” Well, Oprah really seems to have figured out that one for herself so I thought I’d see what her thoughts were on the subject. Oprah says, “It’s not that I’ve always known who I would be. It was just very clear to me from an early age who I wouldn’t be.”

So, okay. I was getting the crunchies at the restaurant. I’m copyrighting this term, okay? The crunchies are those angry feelings inside your chest when you really want to scream or cry but you have to act civilized because someone really needs their beet salad/spreadsheets/diaper changed. So all the feelings just go crunch crunch crunch crunch.

I didn’t feel like I was living my best life, and that just wasn’t working anymore! I was getting very resentful about spending my time working at a restaurant that gave me the crunchies and then using the money I was making there towards my actual vocation of acting! So I took those 30 days off, in the hopes of finding my real passion! I wanted to Find whatever kind of work is out there that could bring me joy and also a paycheck.

And the thing I figured out was how much I love to be outside and do new New Yorky things and drinks hot drinks in paper cups and go see movies that make me bawl. (Have you seen Where the Wild Things Are yet? HOLY MOLY. So goooood.) And how much I loved to be around friends and start the day with yoga and end the day with wine. And staying away from cheese because I’m trying to be all nutritious but then having baked brie at night because I’m with friends and why not.

At the end of the 30 days I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to be pursuing. I even felt confused about everything I was already doing. I mean, should I be getting more joy out of performing if this is my real passion & calling? Do I have the energy to go back to school to get a degree in something else?

AHHH I just want to eat cheese!

So, Oprah, what kind of light would you like to shed on this?

One of the contributors to O’s cover story, Alain de Botton, wrote an excellent article about this very thing in The Real Meaning of Your True Calling.

A useful thought to bear in mind for anyone still struggling with a less than meaningful job: Work may not be where your calling resides. Indeed, for thousands of years, work was viewed as an unavoidable drudge; anything more aspiring had to happen in one’s spare time, once the money had been hauled in. Aristotle was only the first of many philosophers to state that no one could both be obliged to earn a living and remain free. The idea that a job could be pleasurable had to wait until the 18th century, the age of the great bourgeois philosophers, men like Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Benjamin Franklin, who for the first time argued that one’s working life could be at the center of happiness. Curiously, at the same time, similar ideas about romance took shape. In the premodern age, it had widely been assumed that marriage was something one did for purely commercial reasons, to hand down the family farm and raise children; love was what you did with your mistress, on the side. The new philosophers now argued that one might actually aim to marry the person one was in love with.

We are the heirs of these two very ambitious beliefs: that you can be in love and married—and in a job and having a good time. As a result, we harbor high expectations for two areas of life that may provide support but not the deep purpose we ultimately long for. To remember such history while contemplating “Who am I?” can be enormously freeing.

So I have realized that if I look for emotional or spiritual fulfillment in a work situation without having that already in place in my life, I am going to be continually unsatisfied and hungry. It is my job to do that work during my free time. It is up to me to get fulfilled, and then actually have something to offer in a work situation. Whether it is doing something creative, like performing or writing, or something technical—my brain has put all those things in the category of “work.” I need huge helpings of “life” thrown in there to be satisfied.

It’s just like going into a relationship already happy, knowing that another person can’t bring you something you don’t already have within yourself. They can just add to an already abundant life.

I also have realized that there might not be ONE dream job out there for everybody. Some people do seem destined to be famous actors or writers or magicians or whatever, and then others find their success through doing a variety of interesting things. And that’s a freeing thought as well.

There’s a quiz included in the magazine as well: Who Am I Meant To Be? The writer of the quiz, Anne Dranitsaris, created seven categories she calls “striving styles.” She says that when you are engaging in your particular style, you have the greatest chance to fulfill your potential. I found mine to be “striving to be spontaneous.” This type of personality is stimulated by changing jobs frequently and traveling often. What I feared was a flaw (my continual desire for change and adventure) is actually just a part of who I am—something to be embraced rather than squashed.

So all of this has been pretty enlightening for me as I continue to try and figure out how I am going to pay the bills. For now it is including children’s birthday parties and cater waitering. I worked at some kid’s parties at the Central Park Zoo on Sunday. And ya know, even with kids being… kids… I was able to just look the trees changing colors in the park, with the view of New York City peeking through. After the day’s work was done I went to eat at a great little spot in Hell’s Kitchen and then went to see Where The Wild Things Are. And it felt like a perfect day.

30th day: Three conversations. October 1, 2009

Well, it’s winding down! Day 30 is here and will be over in about an hour.

I think my past few posts have summed up what I’m really taking from this month. Mostly, the renewed ability to enjoy each day for what it is, where I am, and what I have in my life.

I have felt pretty open to the world around me during this month. As a result, I have had some interesting conversations with random strangers.

The first one happened one random Friday night when all my plans fell apart due to poor planning, stupid trains, and a late-running rehearsal. I was headed home around 9pm and not sure what to do with myself. I decided to get out at Union Square and take a stroll. There was a drum circle going on with crowds of people, kids skateboarding nearly on my toes, and a general wave of folks walking around.

A boy stopped me and said, “Excuse me, are you Russian?”

At first I thought he was going to ask me where I got my haircut.

“No, why do you ask?”

“I just like Russian girls and you have that look to you.”

Haha. Okay. I see. The funny thing is, this is a very young guy. He’s got to be around 18. This was a first—to be hit on by someone almost 10 years younger than me. I was curious to see exactly what he had up his sleeve so I kept talking to him.

Alex had recently turned 19. He was in college, and his passion was writing. His favorite writer was Hunter S. Thompson. He asked me what I did and I said I was a performer, which he thought was awesome. He thought it was great that I was pursuing my passion. We got into a conversation about the pursuit of art. He had complete conviction that he would always want to write, no matter how much money he had. He knew all that would ever matter to him was that he was true to his passion.

He definitely had some fantasies about the lifestyle of an artist.

“Yeah, but, what happens when you get tired of that lifestyle, of just getting by? Of working other jobs to support your art?” I asked him.

“Well, I just know I will always be true to my art. I’m never gonna give up. I can tell you are a passionate person, and that you feel the same way about yours.”

Yeaeeeehhhhhhhh i gueeeeeessss…..

I hated to burst his bubble, but I told him I was actually not so sure about that.

And that’s the thing—For a long time, my priority has been my art. But I am coming to the place where I don’t want to base my life around my work. I want to base my work around my life! I want to put my energy into something that will not only feed my creative needs, but will also literally FEED me.

I am all for pursuing your passions!

Yes, hello! That’s what this is all about!

But that’s been the biggest lightbulb for me.

My passions are shifting… Not necessarily all about the stage anymore. Now they have a lot to do with simply enjoying life. And creating the life I truly desire for myself.

I did not give the young writer my number. I wished him much luck with the ladies his age. And with his writing. I think he’ll be fine.

The next conversation happened at the Food Emporium.

I was the last in line. “This register’s closed,” the girl would say to everyone who came up after me. I just wanted to get my groceries and get outta there.

“Is that any good?” She pointed to the sushi I was buying. “I’ve never tried it before. I’m scared of raw stuff.”

“Yeah, it’s really good! And there’s plenty you can try that isn’t raw. It will say on the package. This has cooked shrimp and avocado.”

“Oh well, I can’t eat avocado. I just went and got all of these tests done and they told me exactly what foods were good for my body, and which my body couldn’t handle.”

The girl was very interested in nutrition, and had just finished nursing school. She spent a lot of time interning at a hospital, but it freaked her out too much to continue. She was seeing people die. DIE! Young people!

AG!

That’s real stuff. She was back in school, pursuing a different degree (brain fart—I don’t remember what in. But it is health-related.) Anyways, we ended up chatting for about 15 minutes about the current state of health in the U.S. She was volunteering with teenagers whose parents were off working two or three jobs, and she was mentoring those kids—helping them to believe in their options in life, and learn how to take good care of themselves!

Pretty cool.

So, there’s the young writer who wants to write to change the world. And the girl who is working with youth, to give them the tools they need to change the world!

Both great, but different, but similar, things.

And then today, on my thirtieth day, I went to the dentist. Yes, I am linking this dentist, because they are amazing, and yes, I went to New Jersey to visit this dentist. I didn’t plan to do this on my 30th day, but I made the appointment a while ago and decided, what the heck, I’ll keep it. I used to work in the same building as them, and haven’t found anyone in Manhattan as good as them. There’s a wide screen tv right above the dental chair so I could pick my tv show and lounge back while I got my teeth cleaned! (I chose the E True Hollywood Story: Heidi Klum.)

But catch this—my dentist told me to make sure I got my complimentary massage before I left.

Whwhwhat?

They have a massage therapist there!

So I got my massage. I have never ended up having a conversation with a masseuse during a massage, but what do ya know! We got to chatting. She asked me what I did, and I told her I performed comedy. And she said, “No way!!! That is my absolute favorite thing to go see! Where?” And then we talked more, and I told her a bit about my interest in nutrition, and in alternative medicine. She was very interested in alternative medicine as well, and she thought that massage therapy would be a great way to get started in it. She even encouraged me to look into massage therapy! I told her I wanted to get into the field somewhere, but I wasn’t sure where I fit.

So what is this LONG ASS post about?

WELL…..

I don’t know!!!

Haha!

AH!

The POINT is…

The point…………

ummmm. durrrr……

Seriously, I didn’t know what to write about tonight.

But these three conversations stuck out in my head.

The first one was all about ART. The romantic pursuit of your ART.

The second was about HEALTH. The absolute need in this country for teaching HEALTHY and HOPEFUL LIFESTYLES.

And the third was about BOTH! The importance of creating art, and the importance of alternative medicine and health.

And I think that sums up where I am!

They are both important to me.

I know that I fit in somewhere in these two worlds.

So I know that.

So, I’m gonna go from there!

If I DARE to keep going with this long ass post, I will double sum up by saying:

In yoga class ( ), Georgia (fave teacher) always says that every day is different. You feel different every day you walk in there. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. But what matters is that you SHOW UP. You show up in that hot room because it makes you a better person, in and out. Doubting your decision to step in there, or your abilities that day will not serve you. Some days you may need to sit down, or have extra electrolytes, and some days you feel so strong that you know you’ll leave the room ready to conquer the world.

But all that matters is that you show up, and do your best!

And be easy on yourself. The room is, after all, very, very hot.

If you need to sit by a window, sit by a window.

If you need to take a month off of work, or a day, or a week, just to figure out what you need in life to be happy, to be healthy, well, do it.

day 29. Happy Time. September 30, 2009

Well, my 30 days are wrapping up! Here I am on Day 29.

I started out the month with a desire to achieve some material goals. I wanted to find some work that I enjoyed doing, and make some money doing it! I wanted to open myself to passions outside of performing, knock on some doors, and see what could happen. I wanted to create the flow I desired for my life, so that at the end of the month I could just coast along.

Then the month started and I spent most of the whole first week freaking out at what I’d set up for myself. I was focusing on the end product and all my fears were that I’d accomplish nothing and be stuck at Square 1 at the end of the month.

So I let go of the end product. Then, I let go of my three activities I had planned for myself (do 1 fun thing a day, 1 work-related thing, and exercise daily). It was stressing me out majorly to attempt to do all three of those.

I was not having any fun!

(Funnily enough, here I am at Day 29, and I am realizing that I will have done those three things today! I started the day with a nice run outside. (Okay—a run/walk. ) I got lots of writing done and rehearsing for my solo project. I ate wonderfully healthy and delicious food. And soon I’ll head out to hang with my improv buds! Check, check, and check!)

I am realizing that what I have gained this month is something that will carry me through, whether I am working at a restaurant or doing a cool writing project for a publication of some sort. This time off has given me the opportunity to reconnect with what I love about this city.

And heck, what I love about being alive.

Yup.

My favorite pair of days began with the morning I ditched the work I had planned and headed to the movies with a chocolate pastry, and later spent the afternoon in a daze, trying out everything available to me at the farmer’s market. And the next afternoon I laid under the trees for about five hours and then saw my new favorite band live for the third time in a week.

That = Happy Time.

Part of the impetus for quitting my job and taking a month off was my five-year anniversary of moving to New York City. I was flooded with doubt in myself about where I was and where I “should” be. Once I started to let go of that pressure, I really began to enjoy life in this city. The trees and parks and waterfalls (yeah! east midtown!) were extremely healing and fulfilling to me.

Maybe I don’t have the paying work right now that fulfills me, but I do have SO MUCH in my life that absolutely does.

So I can continue this process from the state of fulfillment instead of lack.

And I am slowly easing into this process, but without the pressure of anything “having” to happen. So that actually frees me up creatively to get some work done.

Have you ever really wanted something (or someone!), and then gotten it, and realized it didn’t really fix that feeling of wanting something? Hey wait, this was supposed to make everything feel good all the time! This was supposed to make me happy!

I still want fulfilling work. But this whole month has been a big old reminder that if I can’t find the joy of daily life right now, it won’t be easier to find it once I have that ideal work situation.

I certainly don’t have it all figured out! The first test will be Saturday, when I spend 8 hours catering. Woowoo! The glam life begins. But I feel like I am learning how to really enjoy the day, and enjoy the life I’ve created for myself here in New York. There’s tons of room to grow and I’m going to keep making space for it to do so.

day 27. Oh yeah, that’s my age… My acupuncturist said it’s a tough age. He is right. September 28, 2009

I think the most valuable thing I am taking out of these 30 days off of survival job work is the knowledge of what I need in my life on a regular basis in order to be happy.

I am not sure why it helps me to compare myself to a dog or a plant, but it does!

I think it’s because it makes total sense to me that a flower needs sunlight and water or it will die.
A dog needs lots of walks and runs and attention and play or it will be depressed.

But here we are, humans, with responsibilities, and we just WORK WORK WORK WORK and then are confused as to why we aren’t happy!

We eat crap and wonder why we feel bad.

We drink too much and wonder why we have beer bellies.

We don’t leave our comfort zones and wonder why we feel bored.

There’s not someone else who will come by and water us or take us out to the dog park for a nice run-around outside! We have to do that for ourselves, or we are left to deal with our grumpiness.

This month has been a chance for me to break free of my old daily patterns. When I have bumped into people and had short “how are you” conversations, I have felt a shift. I am used to planting a smile on my face, saying, “good!” and listing off my current projects or accomplishments. (“See??! I am, see?!?”)

It’s been really nice to look people directly in the eye and just say, “I am really good.”

And that’s because I am spent boatloads of time outside under trees, or dancing at music shows, or seeing friends or taking long walks or drinking coffee in coffee shops or strolling through bookstores…

This frivolous activity has to be a part of my regular world, and fit in there between Job A and Job B and Goal A and Goal B. Or else I will be a very unhappy dog. And I will eat someone’s shoe.

I think back to that time in the winter where I had an awful cold I couldn’t get rid of, and also a ridiculous back pain that felt like it came out of nowhere. And my manager, Matt, took one look at me when I stepped into work one evening and made me get a cup of tea and talk to him. I was frustrated that I couldn’t handle my workload/rehearsals/class on top of that. And I lost with him. Crying! Ha! I was so frustrated with myself. “Other people can do doubles! Why can’t I?” Other people can do twice as many shows or classes as me on top of their work schedule. Why was that hard for me too? “You have to understand that you have a different constitution,” I remember him saying. My needs are different. Maybe I am a bit more sensitive or need more rest and downtime and that’s okay. I just need to be aware of it and adjust my life to that.

So, perhaps my current life situation does not include my ideal work life. Yet. And that’s okay. That’s where I am right now.

For some reason I keep thinking about Rachael Ray. Do you think she had any clue that she would one day be “Rachael Ray”? I think she just started cooking and doing food presentations because that’s what she enjoyed. And one thing led to another led to another led to another.

While I do have some reservations about the simple, “Do what you love and the money will follow,” I do think it’s a starter in the right direction. It takes a lot more than the “doing” for the money to follow! So, I think part of the idea is to find what it is you love to do. Get creative with that. Figure out how to sell it to the world. Then work your ass off. And the money will follow.

Til then. If you aren’t able to find happiness in a regular day that you have to spend 8 hours working for someone else, then the journey will be exhausting, frustrating, and no fun.

Anyhoo. I am still on the brink of exploring the various things I do love, so that I can figure out how to package those things into an income. My goal though, is to find a way to enjoy today, and to enjoy my life whatever my work situation is, so that I have the energy to keep on keepin on.