I figured out my life’s purpose! October 20, 2009

I really like magazines. Especially when I travel. This can be a very expensive hobby. I spent $20 on 4 magazines last week. Oh well. Cheaper than a hard-back book! They are the perfect oceanside companion.

One magazine I got last week was O (for Oprah of course). I picked up her magazine because the cover story caught my eye (nice job, advertising team!): “Who Are You Meant to Be? A step-by-step guide to finding (and fulfilling) your life’s purpose.” Well, Oprah really seems to have figured out that one for herself so I thought I’d see what her thoughts were on the subject. Oprah says, “It’s not that I’ve always known who I would be. It was just very clear to me from an early age who I wouldn’t be.”

So, okay. I was getting the crunchies at the restaurant. I’m copyrighting this term, okay? The crunchies are those angry feelings inside your chest when you really want to scream or cry but you have to act civilized because someone really needs their beet salad/spreadsheets/diaper changed. So all the feelings just go crunch crunch crunch crunch.

I didn’t feel like I was living my best life, and that just wasn’t working anymore! I was getting very resentful about spending my time working at a restaurant that gave me the crunchies and then using the money I was making there towards my actual vocation of acting! So I took those 30 days off, in the hopes of finding my real passion! I wanted to Find whatever kind of work is out there that could bring me joy and also a paycheck.

And the thing I figured out was how much I love to be outside and do new New Yorky things and drinks hot drinks in paper cups and go see movies that make me bawl. (Have you seen Where the Wild Things Are yet? HOLY MOLY. So goooood.) And how much I loved to be around friends and start the day with yoga and end the day with wine. And staying away from cheese because I’m trying to be all nutritious but then having baked brie at night because I’m with friends and why not.

At the end of the 30 days I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to be pursuing. I even felt confused about everything I was already doing. I mean, should I be getting more joy out of performing if this is my real passion & calling? Do I have the energy to go back to school to get a degree in something else?

AHHH I just want to eat cheese!

So, Oprah, what kind of light would you like to shed on this?

One of the contributors to O’s cover story, Alain de Botton, wrote an excellent article about this very thing in The Real Meaning of Your True Calling.

A useful thought to bear in mind for anyone still struggling with a less than meaningful job: Work may not be where your calling resides. Indeed, for thousands of years, work was viewed as an unavoidable drudge; anything more aspiring had to happen in one’s spare time, once the money had been hauled in. Aristotle was only the first of many philosophers to state that no one could both be obliged to earn a living and remain free. The idea that a job could be pleasurable had to wait until the 18th century, the age of the great bourgeois philosophers, men like Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Benjamin Franklin, who for the first time argued that one’s working life could be at the center of happiness. Curiously, at the same time, similar ideas about romance took shape. In the premodern age, it had widely been assumed that marriage was something one did for purely commercial reasons, to hand down the family farm and raise children; love was what you did with your mistress, on the side. The new philosophers now argued that one might actually aim to marry the person one was in love with.

We are the heirs of these two very ambitious beliefs: that you can be in love and married—and in a job and having a good time. As a result, we harbor high expectations for two areas of life that may provide support but not the deep purpose we ultimately long for. To remember such history while contemplating “Who am I?” can be enormously freeing.

So I have realized that if I look for emotional or spiritual fulfillment in a work situation without having that already in place in my life, I am going to be continually unsatisfied and hungry. It is my job to do that work during my free time. It is up to me to get fulfilled, and then actually have something to offer in a work situation. Whether it is doing something creative, like performing or writing, or something technical—my brain has put all those things in the category of “work.” I need huge helpings of “life” thrown in there to be satisfied.

It’s just like going into a relationship already happy, knowing that another person can’t bring you something you don’t already have within yourself. They can just add to an already abundant life.

I also have realized that there might not be ONE dream job out there for everybody. Some people do seem destined to be famous actors or writers or magicians or whatever, and then others find their success through doing a variety of interesting things. And that’s a freeing thought as well.

There’s a quiz included in the magazine as well: Who Am I Meant To Be? The writer of the quiz, Anne Dranitsaris, created seven categories she calls “striving styles.” She says that when you are engaging in your particular style, you have the greatest chance to fulfill your potential. I found mine to be “striving to be spontaneous.” This type of personality is stimulated by changing jobs frequently and traveling often. What I feared was a flaw (my continual desire for change and adventure) is actually just a part of who I am—something to be embraced rather than squashed.

So all of this has been pretty enlightening for me as I continue to try and figure out how I am going to pay the bills. For now it is including children’s birthday parties and cater waitering. I worked at some kid’s parties at the Central Park Zoo on Sunday. And ya know, even with kids being… kids… I was able to just look the trees changing colors in the park, with the view of New York City peeking through. After the day’s work was done I went to eat at a great little spot in Hell’s Kitchen and then went to see Where The Wild Things Are. And it felt like a perfect day.

30th day: Three conversations. October 1, 2009

Well, it’s winding down! Day 30 is here and will be over in about an hour.

I think my past few posts have summed up what I’m really taking from this month. Mostly, the renewed ability to enjoy each day for what it is, where I am, and what I have in my life.

I have felt pretty open to the world around me during this month. As a result, I have had some interesting conversations with random strangers.

The first one happened one random Friday night when all my plans fell apart due to poor planning, stupid trains, and a late-running rehearsal. I was headed home around 9pm and not sure what to do with myself. I decided to get out at Union Square and take a stroll. There was a drum circle going on with crowds of people, kids skateboarding nearly on my toes, and a general wave of folks walking around.

A boy stopped me and said, “Excuse me, are you Russian?”

At first I thought he was going to ask me where I got my haircut.

“No, why do you ask?”

“I just like Russian girls and you have that look to you.”

Haha. Okay. I see. The funny thing is, this is a very young guy. He’s got to be around 18. This was a first—to be hit on by someone almost 10 years younger than me. I was curious to see exactly what he had up his sleeve so I kept talking to him.

Alex had recently turned 19. He was in college, and his passion was writing. His favorite writer was Hunter S. Thompson. He asked me what I did and I said I was a performer, which he thought was awesome. He thought it was great that I was pursuing my passion. We got into a conversation about the pursuit of art. He had complete conviction that he would always want to write, no matter how much money he had. He knew all that would ever matter to him was that he was true to his passion.

He definitely had some fantasies about the lifestyle of an artist.

“Yeah, but, what happens when you get tired of that lifestyle, of just getting by? Of working other jobs to support your art?” I asked him.

“Well, I just know I will always be true to my art. I’m never gonna give up. I can tell you are a passionate person, and that you feel the same way about yours.”

Yeaeeeehhhhhhhh i gueeeeeessss…..

I hated to burst his bubble, but I told him I was actually not so sure about that.

And that’s the thing—For a long time, my priority has been my art. But I am coming to the place where I don’t want to base my life around my work. I want to base my work around my life! I want to put my energy into something that will not only feed my creative needs, but will also literally FEED me.

I am all for pursuing your passions!

Yes, hello! That’s what this is all about!

But that’s been the biggest lightbulb for me.

My passions are shifting… Not necessarily all about the stage anymore. Now they have a lot to do with simply enjoying life. And creating the life I truly desire for myself.

I did not give the young writer my number. I wished him much luck with the ladies his age. And with his writing. I think he’ll be fine.

The next conversation happened at the Food Emporium.

I was the last in line. “This register’s closed,” the girl would say to everyone who came up after me. I just wanted to get my groceries and get outta there.

“Is that any good?” She pointed to the sushi I was buying. “I’ve never tried it before. I’m scared of raw stuff.”

“Yeah, it’s really good! And there’s plenty you can try that isn’t raw. It will say on the package. This has cooked shrimp and avocado.”

“Oh well, I can’t eat avocado. I just went and got all of these tests done and they told me exactly what foods were good for my body, and which my body couldn’t handle.”

The girl was very interested in nutrition, and had just finished nursing school. She spent a lot of time interning at a hospital, but it freaked her out too much to continue. She was seeing people die. DIE! Young people!

AG!

That’s real stuff. She was back in school, pursuing a different degree (brain fart—I don’t remember what in. But it is health-related.) Anyways, we ended up chatting for about 15 minutes about the current state of health in the U.S. She was volunteering with teenagers whose parents were off working two or three jobs, and she was mentoring those kids—helping them to believe in their options in life, and learn how to take good care of themselves!

Pretty cool.

So, there’s the young writer who wants to write to change the world. And the girl who is working with youth, to give them the tools they need to change the world!

Both great, but different, but similar, things.

And then today, on my thirtieth day, I went to the dentist. Yes, I am linking this dentist, because they are amazing, and yes, I went to New Jersey to visit this dentist. I didn’t plan to do this on my 30th day, but I made the appointment a while ago and decided, what the heck, I’ll keep it. I used to work in the same building as them, and haven’t found anyone in Manhattan as good as them. There’s a wide screen tv right above the dental chair so I could pick my tv show and lounge back while I got my teeth cleaned! (I chose the E True Hollywood Story: Heidi Klum.)

But catch this—my dentist told me to make sure I got my complimentary massage before I left.

Whwhwhat?

They have a massage therapist there!

So I got my massage. I have never ended up having a conversation with a masseuse during a massage, but what do ya know! We got to chatting. She asked me what I did, and I told her I performed comedy. And she said, “No way!!! That is my absolute favorite thing to go see! Where?” And then we talked more, and I told her a bit about my interest in nutrition, and in alternative medicine. She was very interested in alternative medicine as well, and she thought that massage therapy would be a great way to get started in it. She even encouraged me to look into massage therapy! I told her I wanted to get into the field somewhere, but I wasn’t sure where I fit.

So what is this LONG ASS post about?

WELL…..

I don’t know!!!

Haha!

AH!

The POINT is…

The point…………

ummmm. durrrr……

Seriously, I didn’t know what to write about tonight.

But these three conversations stuck out in my head.

The first one was all about ART. The romantic pursuit of your ART.

The second was about HEALTH. The absolute need in this country for teaching HEALTHY and HOPEFUL LIFESTYLES.

And the third was about BOTH! The importance of creating art, and the importance of alternative medicine and health.

And I think that sums up where I am!

They are both important to me.

I know that I fit in somewhere in these two worlds.

So I know that.

So, I’m gonna go from there!

If I DARE to keep going with this long ass post, I will double sum up by saying:

In yoga class ( ), Georgia (fave teacher) always says that every day is different. You feel different every day you walk in there. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. But what matters is that you SHOW UP. You show up in that hot room because it makes you a better person, in and out. Doubting your decision to step in there, or your abilities that day will not serve you. Some days you may need to sit down, or have extra electrolytes, and some days you feel so strong that you know you’ll leave the room ready to conquer the world.

But all that matters is that you show up, and do your best!

And be easy on yourself. The room is, after all, very, very hot.

If you need to sit by a window, sit by a window.

If you need to take a month off of work, or a day, or a week, just to figure out what you need in life to be happy, to be healthy, well, do it.

day 29. Happy Time. September 30, 2009

Well, my 30 days are wrapping up! Here I am on Day 29.

I started out the month with a desire to achieve some material goals. I wanted to find some work that I enjoyed doing, and make some money doing it! I wanted to open myself to passions outside of performing, knock on some doors, and see what could happen. I wanted to create the flow I desired for my life, so that at the end of the month I could just coast along.

Then the month started and I spent most of the whole first week freaking out at what I’d set up for myself. I was focusing on the end product and all my fears were that I’d accomplish nothing and be stuck at Square 1 at the end of the month.

So I let go of the end product. Then, I let go of my three activities I had planned for myself (do 1 fun thing a day, 1 work-related thing, and exercise daily). It was stressing me out majorly to attempt to do all three of those.

I was not having any fun!

(Funnily enough, here I am at Day 29, and I am realizing that I will have done those three things today! I started the day with a nice run outside. (Okay—a run/walk. ) I got lots of writing done and rehearsing for my solo project. I ate wonderfully healthy and delicious food. And soon I’ll head out to hang with my improv buds! Check, check, and check!)

I am realizing that what I have gained this month is something that will carry me through, whether I am working at a restaurant or doing a cool writing project for a publication of some sort. This time off has given me the opportunity to reconnect with what I love about this city.

And heck, what I love about being alive.

Yup.

My favorite pair of days began with the morning I ditched the work I had planned and headed to the movies with a chocolate pastry, and later spent the afternoon in a daze, trying out everything available to me at the farmer’s market. And the next afternoon I laid under the trees for about five hours and then saw my new favorite band live for the third time in a week.

That = Happy Time.

Part of the impetus for quitting my job and taking a month off was my five-year anniversary of moving to New York City. I was flooded with doubt in myself about where I was and where I “should” be. Once I started to let go of that pressure, I really began to enjoy life in this city. The trees and parks and waterfalls (yeah! east midtown!) were extremely healing and fulfilling to me.

Maybe I don’t have the paying work right now that fulfills me, but I do have SO MUCH in my life that absolutely does.

So I can continue this process from the state of fulfillment instead of lack.

And I am slowly easing into this process, but without the pressure of anything “having” to happen. So that actually frees me up creatively to get some work done.

Have you ever really wanted something (or someone!), and then gotten it, and realized it didn’t really fix that feeling of wanting something? Hey wait, this was supposed to make everything feel good all the time! This was supposed to make me happy!

I still want fulfilling work. But this whole month has been a big old reminder that if I can’t find the joy of daily life right now, it won’t be easier to find it once I have that ideal work situation.

I certainly don’t have it all figured out! The first test will be Saturday, when I spend 8 hours catering. Woowoo! The glam life begins. But I feel like I am learning how to really enjoy the day, and enjoy the life I’ve created for myself here in New York. There’s tons of room to grow and I’m going to keep making space for it to do so.

day 27. Oh yeah, that’s my age… My acupuncturist said it’s a tough age. He is right. September 28, 2009

I think the most valuable thing I am taking out of these 30 days off of survival job work is the knowledge of what I need in my life on a regular basis in order to be happy.

I am not sure why it helps me to compare myself to a dog or a plant, but it does!

I think it’s because it makes total sense to me that a flower needs sunlight and water or it will die.
A dog needs lots of walks and runs and attention and play or it will be depressed.

But here we are, humans, with responsibilities, and we just WORK WORK WORK WORK and then are confused as to why we aren’t happy!

We eat crap and wonder why we feel bad.

We drink too much and wonder why we have beer bellies.

We don’t leave our comfort zones and wonder why we feel bored.

There’s not someone else who will come by and water us or take us out to the dog park for a nice run-around outside! We have to do that for ourselves, or we are left to deal with our grumpiness.

This month has been a chance for me to break free of my old daily patterns. When I have bumped into people and had short “how are you” conversations, I have felt a shift. I am used to planting a smile on my face, saying, “good!” and listing off my current projects or accomplishments. (“See??! I am, see?!?”)

It’s been really nice to look people directly in the eye and just say, “I am really good.”

And that’s because I am spent boatloads of time outside under trees, or dancing at music shows, or seeing friends or taking long walks or drinking coffee in coffee shops or strolling through bookstores…

This frivolous activity has to be a part of my regular world, and fit in there between Job A and Job B and Goal A and Goal B. Or else I will be a very unhappy dog. And I will eat someone’s shoe.

I think back to that time in the winter where I had an awful cold I couldn’t get rid of, and also a ridiculous back pain that felt like it came out of nowhere. And my manager, Matt, took one look at me when I stepped into work one evening and made me get a cup of tea and talk to him. I was frustrated that I couldn’t handle my workload/rehearsals/class on top of that. And I lost with him. Crying! Ha! I was so frustrated with myself. “Other people can do doubles! Why can’t I?” Other people can do twice as many shows or classes as me on top of their work schedule. Why was that hard for me too? “You have to understand that you have a different constitution,” I remember him saying. My needs are different. Maybe I am a bit more sensitive or need more rest and downtime and that’s okay. I just need to be aware of it and adjust my life to that.

So, perhaps my current life situation does not include my ideal work life. Yet. And that’s okay. That’s where I am right now.

For some reason I keep thinking about Rachael Ray. Do you think she had any clue that she would one day be “Rachael Ray”? I think she just started cooking and doing food presentations because that’s what she enjoyed. And one thing led to another led to another led to another.

While I do have some reservations about the simple, “Do what you love and the money will follow,” I do think it’s a starter in the right direction. It takes a lot more than the “doing” for the money to follow! So, I think part of the idea is to find what it is you love to do. Get creative with that. Figure out how to sell it to the world. Then work your ass off. And the money will follow.

Til then. If you aren’t able to find happiness in a regular day that you have to spend 8 hours working for someone else, then the journey will be exhausting, frustrating, and no fun.

Anyhoo. I am still on the brink of exploring the various things I do love, so that I can figure out how to package those things into an income. My goal though, is to find a way to enjoy today, and to enjoy my life whatever my work situation is, so that I have the energy to keep on keepin on.

day 26! climbing! September 28, 2009

Today i went rock climbing!
I went to an indoor rock climbing spot in Brooklyn with my friends Anna, Russ, and Vito. Anna is one of the friends who went trapezing with me. She was SO good at trapezing and she also REALLY rocked the rocks.

The day kicked my butt.

It is super hard.

The first time I hopped up there and climbed, I was super freaked out.

AHH!
I am just here on this wall!
I have to climb all the way up it!
These aren’t rocks, they are nubs!
Where are the handles?
They make it look so easy!

But I climbed all the way to the top!
Spiderman.

And then each time after that,
I did not make it to the top.

Beginner’s luck on that first one!

I was trying trying trying to make it back up to the top.

But,
fall!
fall!
dangle!

On my last try, I was determined to get back up to the top. I almost did. But I also cheated a little. I was grabbing the hanging caribeeners that are for the solo climbers. That’s bad form. But I didn’t care. I just wanted to make it to the top!

It may take more than one day to get good at that.

I am soooooore.

It is a workout.

It was also…

stupidly awesomely fun.

A good day.

It also takes a lot of courage! I imagined being on an actual cliff. HOLY MOLY. There was a padded floor below me. My friend was hanging on to the other side of the rope. I was secure. But people were all right there! Watching! And other people were doing better DAMMIT. And each time you hit one step and look up, there’s another rock right out of your reach! And if you grab it, you might fall. You gotta summon up everything you got to just hop up there and grab it!

The worst thing that can happen is that you end up dangling in the air.
(Well, worse things can happen when you rock climb. But I felt pretty safe in the indoor gym!)

When you actually are able to hop up and bring yourself up a notch on that wall, it feels amazing.

But even the dangling is pretty fun.

day 24. Purple Walls. September 25, 2009

In Eat Pray Love there’s this great part where Elizabeth Gilbert is talking about the task of dating and relationships when you are an adult. All the choices are up to you, and in a way you have to be your own father as far as making sure the men you date are good enough for you. She says, “If I am to become an autonomous woman, then I must take over that role of being my own guardian.”

That has been really sticking out in my mind during my month of freedom. Not so much in the dating area, but just in day-to-day life. I am struggling to find the balance between what my inner child wants to do and figuring out how to parent that child in a way that it can grow and relish in the freedom but not scribble on the wall with purple magic markers.

I really like to treat myself to things, but sometimes I feel like I am really getting roped in by that “need” for something.

Each day when I wake up, it’s like, what kind of day is this going to be? There’s an inward struggle between wanting to get some actual work done for my future, i.e., the initial purpose of this free time, and wanting to go lay down in Central Park all day. Or just take a walk around Washington Square Park and sit in the fountain. Or listen to street musicians.

Day after day, I have gone with the latter.

ha!

I was about five minutes away from signing up for a nutrition school that looked extremely exciting to me. I was speaking with admissions counselors, talking to graduates, reading the web site over and over, attending “webinars” … But in the end it felt like my attempt at a quick fix. I felt as though I was making the decision from an emotional place, from an emotional need to have a clearer direction right now.

Rather than sign up for a school, or apply to an overseas teaching job (the other looming idea), I think I may have to spend some time just doing…

nothing!

This month has been so necessary, because I have simply exhausted myself mentally over the past few years. Working working working, and then doing show show show, and then not feeling as though I can see any growth or movement happening. It makes me want to through the whole “acting career” idea out the window! And then, I get all hard on myself. “You aren’t doing enough! You should be doing more! Okay—tomorrow is a day off. I want you to spend it doing SOMETHING for your career. I have no clue what that is, but think of something, mmkay? Sit in your room all day and get shit done!”

“Bbbbuuttt, I don’t wanna! I worked all week. I’m tired! I just want to go out to eat with some friends!”

“Well, TOO BAD! Not til you book a commercial and get featured in a magazine! Get to work!”

Geeez. No wonder I feel a bit wounded.

So I am feeling like, for now, it is a good idea to let my inner child scribble on the walls with purple markers. I may just have to be a hippie parent for a little while, and let my kid eat what it wants to eat, and wear what it wants to wear and go where it wants to go.

And stop worrying so much about clean walls. Purple is my favorite color anyways.

day 21: life is pretty wonderful. September 22, 2009

I work-study at the yoga studio (in order to get free classes) with a girl named Wanda. My shift used to be on Wednesday afternoons, but one week I had switched to Tuesday night and worked with her. We had so much fun that I changed my schedule so I could keep working with her. She came to the first “Elvis & Me” show of our September run, and all my improv friends were like, “Where did you find this girl?” She definitely sticks out of the mold—she’s so full of life and joy and laughter in a refreshing kind of way. She was given a book about John Klug, and she had it at the studio tonight. I had to write down some of his quotes from it. Like this one:

“The world doesn’t owe anybody anything because it’s all within yourself. I can’t remember when I ever complained about my life. I always thought my life was wonderful. I really did, even when I didn’t have a penny.”

One thing that is happening during this month is that I am realizing how much I have. I think it is important to step back from your life and decide what is missing and what you want there, and then to pursue it! But it’s even more important to take a step back from your life and see all that is there and give some serious thanks for it. I can’t say I have never complained about my life! But I must say, my life is pretty wonderful.

The other night I was leaving my apartment building to go out, and I was all dolled up with a cute outfit and heels and I walked by this elderly woman. This lady is like, super old. She takes itty bitty steps with her walker throughout the building. Her lower lip is always sticking out and her gums are showing. Life doesn’t look too comfortable for her at this point. (A friend of mine kindly referred to her as “Turtle Lady.”) Anyhow, I was always a little afraid of her. I usually just look away if we made eye contact. But then one day, I smiled. And she gave me the hugest grin back! It made me laugh a little. Anyways, that just happened once. Perhaps I’ll try and smile again. So—this other night—as I was walking out, I passed her, and I saw her look at me and I imagined what it must feel like to be on that side of it. She’s pretty much limited to her walker on a Friday night, and a chair in the building. Her meal options probably consist of what someone else gives her or what is within 10 feet of the building. And here I go strutting out the apartment, about to meet up with some friends to have some drinks, laugh, eat good food, and see where the night takes us.

Things really aren’t too shabby.

I’ve got my whole life ahead of me to try and figure out what I want out of it. Imagining sitting there in her chair, with an achy back and pain in the legs and who knows what else, with full reliance on the world for support, it feels extremely exciting to be in the exact position I’m in now.

Three much more interesting things: trees, shows, after parties. September 21, 2009

I checked something off my bucket list this weekend: take a nap under a tree. Yes. That’s right. I had napping on my list.

I have been wanting to do this for a while but hadn’t found the time. How is that even possible? I live close to a park. It is free to sit under trees. I have two legs to walk over there. Well, anyways, the point is, I set out to find a great spot in the park for napping. And I found the perfect spot on top of a hill with just enough sunlight and shade. In the distance I could hear a concert going on and the crowd laughing and enjoying themselves. On the other side of me there was an acoustic show going on. This sounds like a very loud area to take a nap… but it was perfect. It was wonderful to lie there completely relaxed and look up at the trees. The park is a perfect place to be alone but surrounded by people. I like that. I really mastered the art of doing nothing that day, going in and out of sleeping, occasionally picking up my book or checking out the scenery. I lost track of time.

Why do I not do that more often?

Cause I’m so BUSY BUSY BUSY doing…. what again?

I also checked another thing off of my September bucket list: See some live music!
Three times in one week!
And meet the band!

Never let that whole “sold out” thing stop you from going to a show. It’s like the law of attraction, right? Just go there with the intention of getting in, and you will!

On the first night my friend Mandy and I got in pretty easily, and we enjoyed the show so much that we decided to go back the next night.

And that’s when I met Jude Law.

Okay, I didn’t meet him in the “hi, my name is blue, what’s yours?” sense. Let me begin this again.

On the second night we had to stand outside a bit longer and ask everyone if they had extra tickets but we finally were able to get in. And the show was amazing, yet again. After being immersed in the comedy scene, it is a wonderful break to just listen to music and be a part of that world for a little while. Afterwards a couple of nice guys from Dallas were chatting us up. One of them, Ryan, was telling me about their business, a website developing company for—-zzzzzzzzzzzz—–sorry! i just fell asleep a little. At that point Mandy had disappeared. “Oh, really? That sounds interesting. I like the Internet! [Where did she go??]” Mandy returned and came up to me and said: “Go close out my tab and meet me outside. We are going with the band.”

Oooookayyy!

So I did that and met her outside with a few friends that she had made. Then we all headed to the after party. After that we headed to the next after party. And the band had the same manager as Jude Law, so naturally he was right there alongside us having a beer.

I asked Jude Law if he believed in the law of attraction.

Just kidding.

But seriously Jude, do you? You know, Whoopi Goldberg says that if two people find each other attractive, they should go to coffee or lunch together.

I did not talk to him. I was just glad that instead of taking his drink order, I was standing beside him also having a drink.

But I did however, talk to the band a lot. At the risk of sounding like their groupie (Miike Snow, are you guys reading my blog now?), they were super cool, funny, and down-to-earth rockstars. After the initial, “DURR I really like your music!” conversation, I was able to have a lot of fun with these guys. By the end of the evening we’d gotten ourselves invited to their show on Saturday, with full “on the list” privileges!

So, I would call this week a success.
To say the least.

Here is a taste of one of my favorite songs I heard live three times in one week:

i like dis. September 19, 2009

Virgo week ahead horoscope from Jonathan Cainer:

Where are you going, what are you doing and when are you going to take another positive step forward? Let us take those questions in reverse. You are accomplishing something significant and valuable, right now. What you feel inclined to see as sporadic, unsatisfactory progress is, in fact, the best that can be hoped for and it is something to be proud of. That really tells us all we need to know about what you are doing. It is, more or less, the ‘right thing’. Trust that. As for ‘where you are going?’ Well, deep in your heart you know the answer and you also know that if you carry on trying, you will get there. So don’t worry. There’s a big change happening in the sky…. and in your life too.

17 samples at the farmer’s market. September 18, 2009

The best time to go to the Union Square Market is after a really good cry. Your senses are raw and ready to receive the fresh samplings from local farms, the artwork, the music, and all the people you are standing next to who are also waiting to sample the local Viognier.

The good cry came from seeing Julie and Julia.

Yes. I bawled. It was more enjoyable for me than a hearty romance.

It’s the most exciting thing in the world to see people find their niche in the world. To find where their success lies.

This morning I woke up with the goal of finishing writing my solo show. I sat in my apartment for two hours wanting to do anything but write. And the thought of carrying my computer to a coffee shop was just too much. I mean, there are chords to think about! Battery life! And what about bathroom breaks? I mean—WHAT HAPPENS THEN? Do I leave my computer there? Pack it up and take it into the bathroom with me? What belongings do I leave at the table to claim my spot? I wouldn’t want anyone to steal my beloved notebook. Or my cardigan. And how long will they let me sit with an empty coffee cup?

It was too much to bear!

So I said fuck it all. I went to Chelsea and got myself a chocolate croissant and a cappucino, and went to the movies.

My favorite line is when Julia Child is sending her manuscript to the publisher. She says that she wants to just savor the moment. Anything is possible right then! People could fall in love with her book!

Just watching these two women go from that moment into the future where they both find immense success had me bawling in a heap in the movie theater, and then down the street as I talked to my friend Maia.

“I just want to find my life purpose!!! I want to find where I fit in in this world!”

Maia told me this Albert Einstein quote (but Google is not helping me find the exact reference.) The idea is: When you are trying so hard to solve a problem, sometimes you need to just let it be for a while and do something else. Then your brain can work out the details.

That sure sounds a lot like what taking a savasana is all about. That’s when your body regenerates and enjoys all of the benefits of doing the yoga.

So I feel like I have created this month for myself where I am trying to work out every muscle constantly. The work muscle. The work-out muscle. Even the fun muscle. In an effort to rush to the finish line. My friend Jamie recently read this Steve Pavlina article about self-discipline. Here’s a nice quote from that article:

It’s a mistake to try to push yourself too hard when trying to build self-discipline. If you try to transform your entire life overnight by setting dozens of new goals for yourself and expecting yourself to follow through consistently starting the very next day, you’re almost certain to fail. This is like a person going to the gym for the first time ever and packing 300 pounds on the bench press. You will only look silly.

And, another Maia reference is this Onion article: “Plan To Straighten Out Entire Life During Weeklong Vacation Yields Mixed Results.”

Ha, ha.

So, I have alluded to this in previous posts, but as I’m in the middle of my month, I’m going to go ahead and change the rules.

This could possibly fuck up the pending book deal offers, but, so be it!

The three things a day are not working! Today, I spent the afternoon at the movies and then sat in Union Square writing (whatever the heck I felt like writing!) and listening to a banjo player. I bought an heirloom tomato from a cute New York farmer boy and ate it in the park. It was delicious. I’m going to a party tonight and I’m probably going to drink too much whiskey and I certainly won’t go for a run at 3 am.

Perhaps to get my desired result, or my desired answer from the Universe, i just need to take each day at a time. If on one day I feel extremely focused and productive, YAY! If another, I need yoga and a bike ride, YAY! If another, I find myself going to a show and drinking beer, then YAY!

So, my goal has been to try and create the flow I want in my life.

And in the process, I am discovering that I need to be flexible about that flow. I need to be flexible to each day, to what opportunities it holds, to what my body needs and what my mind can do. And dammit I need to live it up!