Mmm Ice Cream Twix and American Spirit November 18, 2009

I think that since September, I have had tonight as some sort of end date in mind. If I can just make it to November 17, everything will be fine. Tonight we did a Pembroke and Lu show. Last week was my solo show. Creativity, especially creativity on stage, especially FUNNY creativity, has taken up more of my energy in the past year than I’ve experienced before. This is not to say that I have done a ton of stuff. Tons of my peers have got me on that one. It’s more to say that it takes more out of me now than it used to. Yesterday I ate an entire box of Crunch N’ Munch popcorn in one sitting. Also a whole bag of chips. Like, a big bag. This was while I was rehearsing with Rory. Well, that is—when I wasn’t eating, I was rehearsing. We were doing a lot of new stuff, and I had used up most of my audience vouchers the previous week for my show, so I think those two things created a big pit of anxiety. Crunch N’ Munch seemed liked the answer at the time. (The show went well though, despite the copious amount of caramel popcorn ingested 24 hours prior.)

I decided I wanted to do a solo show way back in February. (Well, actually I first wanted to do a solo show in 2003, in college. Didn’t finish. Then, 2008, at the PIT. Didn’t finish. I think last fall I wanted to give it one more go.) Anyways, when I began this one, I would have a ton of ideas, write them down, and then not look at them for two months. They hurt to look at. They felt uncomfortable. I liked the idea of what I wrote, but the thought of standing up and playing these various oddball characters made me want to squirm out of it.

But it was still this creative dream to do this show. It lingered around, so I knew I just had to do it. I would talk about it at work with friends there. That’s when I found out that Maia had done a lot of directing of solo work. We met for lunch one day, and she suggested that we just take what I had and go outside and play with it. Just have fun.

This is what opened the door for me to actually move forward with it. Just the idea that I could play, that I could take what I had written down and be 8 years old in the park creating characters freed me up. After that, I wrote and wrote and wrote. (It’s fitting that she later became my director, and was instrumental in the entire process.)

And then, yet again, several weeks went by where I could not look at it.

We continued sporadically working on it, and I decided the only way that I would complete this show was to have a date set to actually perform it.

That’s when I began referring to the project as “this fucking solo show.”

I resisted writing it. I did not want to. I felt completely self-conscious of my ideas. I had the entire month of September off, which would have been a great opportunity to focus on this show. But, nope. I sat at the computer and felt so much inner resistance to just writing something, anything. Something BAD, please, just anything! I couldn’t do it. I had to get up and walk away.

But there was a sinking feeling throughout the whole time that I was just putting off this thing I had to do. Why did I have to? I don’t know. Because it had been a dream to do it.

I felt self conscious reading my monologues to Maia (when I finally got around to rehearsing), and she had the genius to see what worked completely and what was just slightly off.

It’s the slightly off that will get you every time. There’s something good about this monologue, character, job/apartment/boy, but it doesn’t quite do the trick. I should like it, but I don’t. She was able to the slightly off for being off, and we ran with the character that worked.

That’s when the fun started.

I’ve done a lot of emotional eating lately. The weird thing is, I am not sure exactly what emotions I am trying to bottle up here. I also haven’t done yoga in almost 3 weeks. My joints ACHE. And the longer I wait, the harder it is to go back. But i find an excuse daily not to.

My latest treat is chocolate and cigarettes. At night, in this apartment. Okay, I’ve done it twice in the past week. Maybe it’s because I’m moving in a week and not allowed to smoke inside there. I like this rule. I don’t want the house to smell smoky. But it feels like pure decadence to sit down at the end of the night and eat a twix while smoking a cigarette. I don’t think I am even inhaling these things right, and the smoke keeps getting in my eyes. It is still a relaxing non-habit. Maybe I also feel so rebellious. I never ever smoke inside here. I may as well live it up before the next Phase of life begins.

But it’s the anxiety that is an issue. It’s a problem. My stomach has hurt for a couple of weeks. The night before my show I couldn’t sleep, because I was so excited. That was a happy place to be. And the night after my show, I slept so well. Like a baby. But besides that: just nervous energy.

So now I don’t have any major commitments for some time, and that feels really freeing. I’ve been freaking out over work and I’m making the command decision to just let it go for a week and give myself this free time to pack.

I can call twelve temp companies once I am settled into my new place. I can drop off my resume at 20 restaurants. It will be fine.

But I have been thinking a little about this blog, and about where I was mentally in July and August. It was safe then, to be in dreaming and hope mode. What would it be like if I could quit my job? What would I discover if I had a whole month without working? What could happen if I followed through on my desire to do this solo project? What if I moved?

I’m going from dream mode into just taking the chance mode and doing these things. I am not sure what materially I have to show for the changes I’ve made in my life. I still look at jobs and nothing REALLY excites me. A new career net did not appear. I did not exercise as much as I had wanted, and have managed to not exercise at all in nearly a month. Let’s not discuss money. You get the idea.

But I feel like this year for me has been me saying, “I’m not gonna wait for someone else to decide that it’s time for me to have X.” This is an idea I regularly live out when I see attractive boys. Some guy friends will tell me it’s a bad idea to go up to a guy—that’s his job. But you know what? I am not going to wait for someone to decide that I am attractive. If I see someone cute, I will talk to him. I can happily say I have had my share of interesting experiences, and rejections, and I feel bolder and more confident. Because I get it now—Being rejected is the worst thing that can happen, and you know what? It really isn’t that bad! Ha! It’s empowering!

By quitting my job and taking my time off I was saying, “I am not going to wait for my best life to happen to me. I am going to make it happen.” By actually following through on a dream of this show, I have now set myself creatively to move forward with a project that can merge multiple interests.

So, yeah, I’m broke.

I weigh 10 pounds more than I did a year ago.

I’m leaving my place in the center of Manhattan.

And I’m still not quite sure what career path to pursue, or how to pursue it.

But you know what? I like it this way. (Okay, not the 10 pounds part. Note to self: Next time you spend 2 months in Texas, don’t eat and drink like like Romans do.)

Maia told me this quote—I can’t remember where from—but a guy said this, “All i need in life in order to be happy is a good pair of walking shoes and a library card.”

That just sticks out so much to me, because when I quit thinking, analyzing, and worrying, I can see what an absolute blast I am having right now in my life, and I can recognize that some of these stomach pains come from pure excitement about what the future holds.

If I can simply give myself permission to not be anxious about the rest of the year, but simply embrace and enjoy this transition, and whatever querky job situation I can land, I think it’s going to be a great holiday season. Mentally and creatively, I feel set up for what the next season has to offer.

And I can’t wait to see what the next year holds.

shake shake shake, part 2! November 5, 2009

I am a firm believer in shaking snow globes whenever you feel stuck.

So I’m shake shake shaking!

I am moving!

To a house in Brooklyn!
(The one I looked at on Sunday and immediately liked.)

It wouldn’t feel official until I sent them a check, and notified my building. (Lucky for me, they have a sweet 30-day policy. I just had to give 30-days notice. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to move til my lease expired.)

So, over the past 48 hours, the housemates called and invited me to live with them, I freaked out and then called and calmly said yes, then I freaked out again and called and said wait—I’m not ready for this, then spoke to a few friends and my mother and with resounding “GO FOR IT”s on every end, my senses came back, and I called and said wait—I’m ready!

Ha!

I gave them a little preview of my crazy mental state.

This was hilarious to me because just on Monday I was feeling ever so confident about my decision-making ability. I had connected with my essential self. I knew what I wanted.

But then, thinking about turning in my keys and saying goodbye to my bathroom and my own space got me really scared.

What am I even doing? I haven’t even explored Brooklyn! Maybe I want to live in Greenpoint! Or Ft. Greene! Or Boerum Hill! Or or orororororoororororr

Hush it!

There’s simply no way to know how this will feel until I experience it. I’ve been reminded by friends that there’s no right or wrong thing to do. Jen was just writing about this on her blog! There really is no right or wrong answer to moving now or moving later. But I have been itching for a change, and a wonderful opportunity has come my way.

So I may as well just give it a go!

So, I’m psyched. Psyched to read books on the commute, to have more than one room to hang out in, to be close to Prospect Park, to try out new routes and restaurants, and to have a room without a kitchen in it, and to live in a home with 4 people, rather than a building in midtown Manhattan with 900 very, very interesting folks.

shake shake shake! August 7, 2009

So, I shook up my snow globe. In the form of quitting my restaurant job.
Now, this may seem a bit impulsive, as I don’t have another full-time job lined up. However, Rory & I did book some more work in Texas for this month, which conflicted with my job, so that pretty much made the decision for me. I know I’ve got about two months of my basic needs covered so I have time to figure out what’s next. But also, I am following a gut feeling. I am ready to move on.

Sometimes I have trouble listening to that feeling. I doubt it and give it more time. Once I was in therapy and I really hated the therapist. What I felt like I needed was another round of therapy to deal with this therapist! He was a weird dude, and I immediately didn’t like him but assumed that came from one of my deep personal issues that he would eventually help me work through. He thought that this therapy was very necessary for me. And, obviously, someone else must have all the answers to what is best for my life.

It got worse, and I dreaded each session, but it took three months for me to trust my gut feeling that said, “get the hell outta this!”

So this time, when my gut said: “go,” I said, “Yes, okay. I will.”

I feel excited! I know I spent the exact right amount of time at this job. It was everything I needed over the past year. I needed to have a steady, regular gig, where I knew what to expect and what my budget was. I made some wonderful friends who have truly enriched my life. I was able to use my free time to concentrate on my personal growth. And every time I felt drained or burnt out from the job, I would get a lovely gift. Often in the form of a comedic star being in my section, and that one time her good friend joined her, or a very friendly smile from this one when I brought him his decaf coffee.

So, what’s next? I am not completely sure. I’m using a bit of ye olde adage, “jump and the net will appear.” I am hoping that by changing up my routine, and giving myself a bit of time to breathe, I will get some clarity about what I want in my life for the next five years. And I will make the space in my life to receive whatever it is that’s next. I believe the net will appear, and it will be beautiful and have pretty purple beads and bright red strings and big old hippie sunflowers! Or maybe magenta stripes with pink polka dots! Or it will be dark blue with bright gold stars! I’m open to it!

five years! August 4, 2009

YIKES.
Getting back in NYC life has been exhausting. I worked an event gig here for the past few days, as well as hopping back into the restaurant.
I’m POOPED!
Thinking about shaking up my snow globe a bit. Brooksie, my cousin, made me buy a snow globe during my first trip to NYC back in college. Back then I really liked to play things safe! She wanted me to remember that sometimes, you gotta just shake things up a little. So, hopping on a plane and moving to New York City certainly was a way to do that.

September 3rd will be my five-year New York anniversary.
About a week after my birthday.

That’s big. Five years! Time to do a little surveying of the land.

I may just have to do some shake shake shaking.

And that is as vague as I will be at this point in time, Professor.