Mmm Ice Cream Twix and American Spirit November 18, 2009

I think that since September, I have had tonight as some sort of end date in mind. If I can just make it to November 17, everything will be fine. Tonight we did a Pembroke and Lu show. Last week was my solo show. Creativity, especially creativity on stage, especially FUNNY creativity, has taken up more of my energy in the past year than I’ve experienced before. This is not to say that I have done a ton of stuff. Tons of my peers have got me on that one. It’s more to say that it takes more out of me now than it used to. Yesterday I ate an entire box of Crunch N’ Munch popcorn in one sitting. Also a whole bag of chips. Like, a big bag. This was while I was rehearsing with Rory. Well, that is—when I wasn’t eating, I was rehearsing. We were doing a lot of new stuff, and I had used up most of my audience vouchers the previous week for my show, so I think those two things created a big pit of anxiety. Crunch N’ Munch seemed liked the answer at the time. (The show went well though, despite the copious amount of caramel popcorn ingested 24 hours prior.)

I decided I wanted to do a solo show way back in February. (Well, actually I first wanted to do a solo show in 2003, in college. Didn’t finish. Then, 2008, at the PIT. Didn’t finish. I think last fall I wanted to give it one more go.) Anyways, when I began this one, I would have a ton of ideas, write them down, and then not look at them for two months. They hurt to look at. They felt uncomfortable. I liked the idea of what I wrote, but the thought of standing up and playing these various oddball characters made me want to squirm out of it.

But it was still this creative dream to do this show. It lingered around, so I knew I just had to do it. I would talk about it at work with friends there. That’s when I found out that Maia had done a lot of directing of solo work. We met for lunch one day, and she suggested that we just take what I had and go outside and play with it. Just have fun.

This is what opened the door for me to actually move forward with it. Just the idea that I could play, that I could take what I had written down and be 8 years old in the park creating characters freed me up. After that, I wrote and wrote and wrote. (It’s fitting that she later became my director, and was instrumental in the entire process.)

And then, yet again, several weeks went by where I could not look at it.

We continued sporadically working on it, and I decided the only way that I would complete this show was to have a date set to actually perform it.

That’s when I began referring to the project as “this fucking solo show.”

I resisted writing it. I did not want to. I felt completely self-conscious of my ideas. I had the entire month of September off, which would have been a great opportunity to focus on this show. But, nope. I sat at the computer and felt so much inner resistance to just writing something, anything. Something BAD, please, just anything! I couldn’t do it. I had to get up and walk away.

But there was a sinking feeling throughout the whole time that I was just putting off this thing I had to do. Why did I have to? I don’t know. Because it had been a dream to do it.

I felt self conscious reading my monologues to Maia (when I finally got around to rehearsing), and she had the genius to see what worked completely and what was just slightly off.

It’s the slightly off that will get you every time. There’s something good about this monologue, character, job/apartment/boy, but it doesn’t quite do the trick. I should like it, but I don’t. She was able to the slightly off for being off, and we ran with the character that worked.

That’s when the fun started.

I’ve done a lot of emotional eating lately. The weird thing is, I am not sure exactly what emotions I am trying to bottle up here. I also haven’t done yoga in almost 3 weeks. My joints ACHE. And the longer I wait, the harder it is to go back. But i find an excuse daily not to.

My latest treat is chocolate and cigarettes. At night, in this apartment. Okay, I’ve done it twice in the past week. Maybe it’s because I’m moving in a week and not allowed to smoke inside there. I like this rule. I don’t want the house to smell smoky. But it feels like pure decadence to sit down at the end of the night and eat a twix while smoking a cigarette. I don’t think I am even inhaling these things right, and the smoke keeps getting in my eyes. It is still a relaxing non-habit. Maybe I also feel so rebellious. I never ever smoke inside here. I may as well live it up before the next Phase of life begins.

But it’s the anxiety that is an issue. It’s a problem. My stomach has hurt for a couple of weeks. The night before my show I couldn’t sleep, because I was so excited. That was a happy place to be. And the night after my show, I slept so well. Like a baby. But besides that: just nervous energy.

So now I don’t have any major commitments for some time, and that feels really freeing. I’ve been freaking out over work and I’m making the command decision to just let it go for a week and give myself this free time to pack.

I can call twelve temp companies once I am settled into my new place. I can drop off my resume at 20 restaurants. It will be fine.

But I have been thinking a little about this blog, and about where I was mentally in July and August. It was safe then, to be in dreaming and hope mode. What would it be like if I could quit my job? What would I discover if I had a whole month without working? What could happen if I followed through on my desire to do this solo project? What if I moved?

I’m going from dream mode into just taking the chance mode and doing these things. I am not sure what materially I have to show for the changes I’ve made in my life. I still look at jobs and nothing REALLY excites me. A new career net did not appear. I did not exercise as much as I had wanted, and have managed to not exercise at all in nearly a month. Let’s not discuss money. You get the idea.

But I feel like this year for me has been me saying, “I’m not gonna wait for someone else to decide that it’s time for me to have X.” This is an idea I regularly live out when I see attractive boys. Some guy friends will tell me it’s a bad idea to go up to a guy—that’s his job. But you know what? I am not going to wait for someone to decide that I am attractive. If I see someone cute, I will talk to him. I can happily say I have had my share of interesting experiences, and rejections, and I feel bolder and more confident. Because I get it now—Being rejected is the worst thing that can happen, and you know what? It really isn’t that bad! Ha! It’s empowering!

By quitting my job and taking my time off I was saying, “I am not going to wait for my best life to happen to me. I am going to make it happen.” By actually following through on a dream of this show, I have now set myself creatively to move forward with a project that can merge multiple interests.

So, yeah, I’m broke.

I weigh 10 pounds more than I did a year ago.

I’m leaving my place in the center of Manhattan.

And I’m still not quite sure what career path to pursue, or how to pursue it.

But you know what? I like it this way. (Okay, not the 10 pounds part. Note to self: Next time you spend 2 months in Texas, don’t eat and drink like like Romans do.)

Maia told me this quote—I can’t remember where from—but a guy said this, “All i need in life in order to be happy is a good pair of walking shoes and a library card.”

That just sticks out so much to me, because when I quit thinking, analyzing, and worrying, I can see what an absolute blast I am having right now in my life, and I can recognize that some of these stomach pains come from pure excitement about what the future holds.

If I can simply give myself permission to not be anxious about the rest of the year, but simply embrace and enjoy this transition, and whatever querky job situation I can land, I think it’s going to be a great holiday season. Mentally and creatively, I feel set up for what the next season has to offer.

And I can’t wait to see what the next year holds.

wish lists. October 5, 2009

I went back to a journal from a year ago. I have a giant box full of journals that I have written in since I moved here. I thought it would be interesting to check out a notebook from last year when I did The Artist’s Way.

I regularly update my seven lists. I first did this because it was an activity in The Artist’s Way but found it to be a really neat tool. The challenge is to write 10 things you desire in seven categories: Health, Possessions, Leisure, Relationships, Creativity, Career, and Spirituality.

I remember the first time I did these lists. They were HARD. I was not used to thinking in these terms. It’s scary to want things that you might not get.

But if you don’t know what you want, it makes it really tough to go out and get it!

And it is very fun to go back and write giant checks by something you achieve in one of those categories.

When I did this last year, under possessions, I had written “new sheets.” And this year, around my birthday, I was updating my lists, and I noticed that I had written “new sheets” under possessions once again.

I don’t know exactly what I was waiting for to get these sheets. (An extra $50 lying around perhaps.) But they were obviously important to me, since they were 1 of 10 thing I desired to possess.

Sheets aren’t just going to fly out of the air into my lap.

All I have to do is walk to the store and purchase them.

I mean, some of the items on these lists aren’t so easily in my reach. “Manhattan Loft” is a little more far-fetched. “European Vacation” is a tad more expensive. But damn—I can do sheets.

It’s just a matter of DOING IT.

But the universe will certainly lend you a hand nonetheless. My parents offered to treat me to a new outfit for my birthday. (They really are the best.) And I decided, I’m going to get these damn sheets!

So, you have all the power within you.

But, aside from sheets, there are plenty of goals or dreams on those lists that have been hanging around for some time.

I think those are GIANT CLUES as to what kind of actions need to be taken.

It’s exciting to see “rock climbing” in there and say, OOH! I did that!
Or “Trapezing.” YEAH!

No one was going to trapeze for me though!
I had to find it online, research it, pay for it, and set that up! And then the whole going there and walking up the scary shaky ladder and taking a big old JUMP.

It’s another reminder that “it’s all within yourself.” All the secrets to your own happiness are right there within you.

i like dis. August 18, 2009

If you want to achieve a goal you’ve set, the most crucial part is to DECIDE to manifest it. It doesn’t matter if you feel it’s outside your control to do so. It doesn’t matter if you can’t yet see how you’ll get from A to B. Most of those resources will come online AFTER you’ve made the decision, not before.

If you don’t understand this simple step, then you will waste a lot of time. Step 1 is to decide. Not to ruminate or to ponder or to ask around and see whether or not you can do it. If you want to start your own business, then decide to make it so. If you want to be married and have a family, then decide to attract a mate. If you want to change careers, then decide to do so.

It blows my mind that people think that something else has to come before the decision. People waste months trying to figure out, “Is this goal possible?” And this makes a lot of sense to do so if you’re at a certain level of consciousness. But all you’re really doing is creating delay, and you’ll simply manifest evidence to suggest that the goal is both possible and not possible. You think doubt in your head, you find doubt in the world.

From Cause-Effect vs. Intention-Manifestation by Steve Pavlina

so. umm… now what? August 11, 2009

Thank you friends, for all the wonderful spoken and unspoken support. I haven’t gotten any blank stares or doubtful responses when I’ve told people that I quit my job, even though I don’t have much of a plan in line. In fact, I’ve gotten the opposite: very positive responses. That’s pretty awesome. We’ve got ourselves a lot of believers out there, folks! Lucky for me, part of why I could just hop right out of my job is because I work (for just 10 more days!) at a restaurant. And, if in a couple months I find myself in need of another full-time job, there are a few thousand restaurants in this borough alone that I could serve burgers/steak/vegan whatevers at. So, I’ll deal with that if/when I need to.

That’s pretty much the worst-case scenario. Which is too say, the worst case scenario isn’t bad at all. I like meeting new people and finding myself in new environments, so if that’s what needs to happen, I am sure many wonderful things will come from it, as did from this job.

So, what is the best case scenario?

That’s what I’m giving myself the time to sort out, I spose!

Before I get to all that job stuff, I’d like to take some time to do something else. I have been toying with the idea of taking a bikram yoga 30-day challenge for a while now. (Doing bikram yoga for 30 days straight!) But, I don’t want to focus solely on practicing bikram yoga during this time. I started thinking about the other things it would be fun to do for 30 days in a row.

I came across this Steve Pavlina article: 30 days to Success. Innnnteresting. He explains how the 30-day model is a great way to try out a daily habit, and see if it can become something you want to do daily for life! So this could be a great time for me to create habits I want to carry with me when I enter back into real world territory.

Some ideas:

-Exercising daily, whether it’s yoga, running, bike riding, swimming, or playing in the park. (I am still sore from some serious wiffleball playing on Saturday.)

-Writing daily. Journaling and creative writing.

-Pursuing fun daily. Serious childlike fun. I realized I have a real need for fun on a regular basis. So simple, right? But if I am working too much, even if that is performing, I become depressed and down. I am rejuvenated by pure FUN. (If I go for this 30 day FUN project, I will need some volunteers to go do some activities with me. )

-Taking a risk a day. Mostly this involves me doing things alone that might be a bit odd, or striking up conversations with strangers. (A very convenient excuse to talk to the cute boy strangers.) But this seems like a wonderful way to really shake fear and social taboos out of the system.

-Pursuing a passion daily. Maybe this means going to an audition, or reading a book on any subject that excites me, or icing a cupcake. This could be beneficial on so many levels.

So those are the main ideas I am toying with.

Here are some of Pavlina’s suggestions that I also like:

-Write a new blog entry every day.
-Read for an hour a day on a subject that interests you.
-Meditate every day.
-Go for a long walk every day.
-Become an early riser.
-Write in your journal every day.
-Call a different family member, friend, or business contact every day.
-Make 25 sales calls every day to solicit new business. Professional speaker Mike Ferry did this five days a week for two years, even on days when he was giving seminars. He credits this habit with helping build his business to over $10 million in annual sales. If you make 1300 sales calls a year, you’re going to get some decent business no matter how bad your sales skills are. You can generalize this habit to any kind of marketing work, like building new links to your web site.
-Ask someone new out on a date every day. Unless your success rate is below 3%, you’ll get at least one new date, maybe even meet your future spouse.
-Go out every evening. Go somewhere different each time, and do something fun — this will be a memorable month.
-Meet someone new every day. Start up a conversation with a stranger.

So, what do you guys think? What would you do with 30 free days?

tell ‘em, elvis. July 10, 2009

Magic Week is so far going stupendously, with the exception of the fall I just took down the stairs in the Union Square stop. Thank goodness I am a fan of frozen green peas. They are healing my shins at this very moment.

Funnily enough, that fall came right when I was having one of my “Write a love letter to New York City in my head moments.” OH New York, your sunshine, your busy city streets, your culture, how I love yo–OOUGGHCHERSSS!

My afternoon has so far included sleeping til 11:30, wandering around STRAND looking for the magic book for my magic week, having lunch outside at the Hummus Place, wandering around the East Village, and drinking latte while reading the magic book.

Which book is it? The Gift by Lewis Hyde. An underliner. Lots of stuff I like. But before I get started on this one, I gotta share what I took away from that book I was reading a while ago, Finding Your Own True North.

Martha Beck talks a lot about the change cycle: Some sort of catalytic event happens that changes everything, putting a person in the “Square One: Death and Rebirth” phase, leading to the “Square Two: Dreaming and Scheming” phase, then “Square Three: The Hero’s Saga” and “Square Four: The Promised Land.” The Promised Land is exactly what I’m (and we are all) trying to get to. It’s basically the life where you are living out your dreams. And once you get there, you just take small steps to keep it up, until inevitably some sort of new catalytic event happens, putting you right back in Square One, starting over.

I am not sure if any of this makes sense, without actually reading the book.
So, if you are still with me, I’ll continue! If not, let me know what is happening with funny videos about cats or whatever. (And could you send the links plz?)

Beck says that those who are very good at each of these phases of life are the ones who become very, very successful. Like Oprah, for instance. And most of us are very good at one of the four stages.

I am such a good dreamer and schemer! How I love to just think about my dream life, write out lists of my goals, think about the various careers that would be interesting to me.

I gotta get freaking move into “The Hero’s Saga.” This is just like it sounds: it’s all about trying one thing after another to achieve the dreams you figured out that you wanted in Square Two. A series of very big moves and many failures until you find the thing that really clicks and moves ya into “The Promised Land.” This is the part of our lives that any good novel or movie is made of: watching the protagonist try, try, and try again until he gets the girl/the job/the crown.

So, attention artists! All of us who are out there, trying and trying to achieve a career in the arts in one form or another, and hit continual road bumps, well—this is all a part of the story! (Are you writing down your story? Maybe it would help to look at this particular phase that we are in—and I say we because I know so many friends are in the same boat—as a really great story.)

Anyhoo, that brings me to the next goal I have, as I live here in this city that I love, attempting to not fall flat on my face (or at an angle on my shins): It’s time for me to shut up and get to work. A little less dreaming and self-help book reading. I know what I want. I just gotta take all those annoying baby steps to get it.

I just gotta remember what Elvis says.

seek and ye shall find. June 22, 2009

From time to time, my friend Jen will post google searches that lead people to her blog.

Today, someone searched for “whizzing on an electric fence youtube” and found my blog.

Heh. I don’t think they found what they were looking for.

But… whoever you are, you did put your intentions out into the world.
So, in that spirit, here you go:

five foot nine blue eyes talented witty eats vegetables well-read likes Bob Dylan recycles May 18, 2009

As I’ve been doing lots of list-making, visualizing, and specifically setting goals for myself, one area that I am unsure how to plan for is love.

I have to admit my insides automatically go, “Ugh! Did you just write that?” “Seriously, are we talking about love on this blog now?” Well, yes, we are! Hush up, insides. Don’t you have some laundry to do or something? I do hope to eventually find the right guy. I’ve had my fair share of love and of heartache and plenty in the middle. Of course, I’ve learned a lot from each relationship. (But geez louise, lessons sure can be a pain in the ass to learn.)

A lot of my entries are about how we have power in creating the lives we want for ourselves. So, I want to feel good mentally and physically? Okay, go to yoga and eat the right food and drink in moderation. I want to get paying work as actor? Take some classes, send some mailings, do some showcases, audition my patootie off and it will happen. I can write very specific goals about where I want to be in five years, take the steps toward them, and I will achieve them.

Well, how do you bring in the right person? What are those steps? I was talking to my friend Joe at work. This conversation actually took place months ago, but it still sticks out in my mind. He has a wonderful boyfriend, Steve. They are two of the most handsome and kind guys you could ever meet. (I have, on occasion, professed my love to Joe, after a couple too many Manhattans. He gracefully never held it against me.) We talked about visualization a little. I was saying how I never really felt comfortable visualizing what I wanted in a boy. How am I supposed to know how tall I want a guy to be? Or his color hair? Or if he’s an artist or a businessman? How am I supposed to know which of those qualities really will matter?

Joe was like, “Well, maybe you shouldn’t visualize what you want him to be, just visualize how you want to feel with him.” That makes a lot more sense to me. That’s what’s really important. My friend Laura tells me how her relationship with her boyfriend Jeff really grounds her. So often my experiences with boys leaves me feeling a little nutty and less grounded. To actually feel more grounded while in a relationship? That’s pretty cool. If two people can strengthen each other—what a gift that is.

I think another important part of the whole love thing is just being happy with who you are. If you don’t love yourself, how will anyone else? Well, I’ve exploring happiness for some time, and I am happy to say that I am. Happy. With who I am. But still, from time to time, I can be a bit hard on myself. I was beating myself up a little this weekend, and talking to my friend Laura at work. She said, “Hey, be nice. That’s my friend Elizabeth you’re talking about.” Which reminds me of something that Graham has said in yoga class before: “How you treat yourself defines how the world will treat you.” I absolutely love that.

As an artist, I also have fears that if I have a boyfriend in my life, I will have less time to give to creating and that I will be less successful. Well, ya know what? In that book I’ve been reading, Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill actually says that many of the most successful people in history were at the height of their success when they were in love. Think of Obama and Michelle. I remember watching Obama give his speech when he won the election, and Michelle was looking at him like, “You just wait til we get home, baby.” Their date nights actually make him a more effective President! How bout that. Love can actually fuel energy for creativity and success!

What do you want to visualize in another person? I think my top three may be groundedness… kindness… and happiness with self.

creating something out of nothing April 3, 2009

Last night, I came across this is one of my many spiral notebooks:

“Today was a day.

Tomorrow I want to send the email about my blog.

And I want to publish my web site.”

I don’t remember that day. I don’t remember the tone I had writing that. (“Today was a day”? What kind of day was it? Good? Bad?) But let me tell you—I wrote “CHECK” in giant letters beside those two items. It may have taken me longer than 24 hours to accomplish those two goals. (Obviously it did, since I can’t even remember writing them down.) But it doesn’t matter, because eventually I was able to check them off!

I’ve touched on my fear of vulnerability, and sharing my thoughts in Bloggytown, so just taking the step to send a mass email and ask friends to read this was pretty big for me. And, publishing my web site actually involved many mini steps, and it feels amazing to have taken all of them! I am not Internet savvy (it took me like 3 hours just to figure out how to create a links on this blog), but I actually created my own web site from start to finish! Wow! I didn’t see myself being able to do that! I did the fun stuff, with the fonts and photos. And I did the the not-fun stuff, like searching through the Apple support web site for iWeb tips, and calling the Support Line for help, which is a big old pain in the dairrere. (And my wonderful brother spent a few hours with me on the phone helping as well.)

On Wednesday night, at the Great Mix-Em Up III at the PIT, Jonathan Desley was in a scene with Ali, and (as someone usually does in our Mix-Em Up shows) he picked fun on Ali by saying “Let’s open a business together.” Ali loves doing scenes about opening businesses. Partly because he really is passionate about starting businesses! He played right along: “I just love seeing something being created out of nothing!”

That is one of the gems of improv and of any type of art. It is so empowering to create something out of thin air that would never have existed otherwise. I feel the same way about creating goals. It is an amazing feeling to just come upon an old list and be able to say, “Yes! I did that!”

This also goes with my belief in the power of intentions. Through the act of putting a goal or desire out there, things happen! My friend Jen is an example of this. Jen started her blog with the intention of leaving her desk job and finding her true bliss. Because of this, movement is happening in her life! Now, it is not a question of “if” she will leave her day job, it is “when.”

What a thrilling process to see happen. We really do have so much power to bring what we want into our lives. Inevitably we will be surprised by the outcome, and the final product of our intentions could be different than we had the capacity to dream of in the beginning. But there’s simply no way things can just stay the same, if we put our intentions out there and faithfully pursue them.

Let’s move a little chi. March 26, 2009

I may completely botch this up, as I am relatively new to Chinese medicine, but my understanding of acupuncture is that it all comes down to the movement of energy; of chi. That’s why heating pads are good for sore muscles or cramps—heat creates movement. There’s all sorts of stagnation in our chi and the needling is what helps the chi to move.

Here’s what I’m getting at: I’m looking at areas in my life that are stagnate and trying to metaphorically needle them to create some energy flow! One of these areas in my core thinking. I’m in a process of trying to shift my entire belief system. I am realizing that my biggest limitation that I have in my life comes down to my mindset. I’m used to not having much money, to working too much, and to the level of success that I have found in my life. Well damn! I’m ready to have money! To work less! To have awesome success!

I am starting to understand the idea of putting things out into the universe. A few months ago, I did an activity from The Artist’s Way: Write down 10 wishes in 7 different categories: health, leisure, possessions, career, spirituality, relationships, and creativity. Dreaming in some of these areas was easy. Some of the areas took more prodding. My thinking was stuck. I had to really push myself to claim some wishes. UMM… A commercial. Yes, I would like to book a commercial. YES, this is attainable!

As I was creating a wish list, my mind already had limits on what I could wish. No way—That one is too big! You’ll never do that. You’ll never follow through with that. Pick something more attainable. Come on, self! Just DREAM for a minute. Put it out there!

One of the wishes on my “possessions” list was shelves. I’d wanted some shelving in my apartment for the three years that I’d lived here. But the task had always been daunting to me. I didn’t know if shelving was allowed in my building. I am not very good with a drill. I also did not have said drill. I didn’t know how I would even find money in my budget to buy shelves! But, I wanted them. I wanted to see my books. I wanted to display all my baking supplies and my lovely tea pots. I wanted a place to put some flowers. So I put it on my list. Hey, universe! Could you throw me a bone with these shelves?

It was my mom’s idea to come visit me and help redo my little studio. Then my dad decided—what the heck—he’d join too. They bought the shelving, and my dad put it up in about 15 minutes. Done. A little present from George, St. Clair, and the universe.

I didn’t know how I would get the shelves up, and I certainly foresee my parents coming all the way up here and helping with it. It just started with writing it down and claiming what I wanted.

I think that there are some wishes on my list that I still don’t believe that I deserve or could achieve. But still, it is powerful to just have them all down on paper. Some part of me must believe that these wishes are attainable. I just have to keep needling away, trying to move some of that chi until the rest of me truly believes that I can have every wish on my list.