a new living space December 10, 2009

There has been a lot happening over the past two weeks. The move really has been wonderful for my brain. I just plain old like it out here! I like living in a house. I like having people around. I like the commute, sitting on the train, reading a book and listening to music, people watching, seeing the Manhattan skyline every day, seeing the sunset occasionally at night. I like having a real kitchen to cook in, a new neighborhood to explore (an entire borough to explore), a new park to walk in, new coffee shops with special brews, new bars to try whiskey of the week at, new restaurants to grab bites at, very cheap and very close grocery stores, sunshine through my window, no tourists within miles of my sleeping space, a large living room to watch the Biggest Loser in.

This was the other night, Tuesday night, when I had been making eggnog cupcakes in the kitchen with the real oven. (In ye olde days, I had a mini confectioner’s oven! It took a long time and a lot of kitchen space creativity to bake a whole batch!) After I’d put in a batch of cupcakes into the oven, I took my spiked eggnog into the living room and turned on the tv. The Biggest Loser was on. What is the deal with this show? I can’t sit through the first 5 minutes without crying! It was amazing. It just felt like a perfect evening. I remember a while ago being so busy and not rarely having nights free. It was just wonderful to be out in this neighborhood, this quiet neighborhood, on Tuesday night, baking my favorite recipe and watching my favorite show, and chatting with roommates.

I am realizing that while I was living in the very small apartment all to myself, in the middle of Times Square, I felt a bit like I was waiting for life to start. Waiting to have the money, the security, the life PLAN, before letting go of a great deal in Manhattan. And I wasn’t really even aware of how the living space was really affecting me. I just didn’t like being there anymore.

I’ve started to let go of needing a life plan, of needing to have it figured out. I am reading this great book (on the train!) by Wayne Dyer: Your Sacred Self.

Relax about the future and let it go. Instead, make an active commitment to enjoy this day a little more. The more peaceful you are with yourself and your role here, the more productive and efficient you become. It is very difficult to accomplish anything when you are stressed over the outcome. When you relax and get peaceful, you become inspired and efficient. Toss out the goals and live your life knowing you are cocreating it.

I think that a lot of times, you just get used to feeling certain ways. Maybe it’s being tired all the time, or insecure, or fearful. I have had a habit of carrying around a lot of anxiety with me all the time. It’s pretty cool now, because since I have 30-45 minutes of down time built in every time I go into Manhattan, it’s become a time to get still and centered, and try to just breathe and smile. I didn’t have that before. There were minutes built in every day of fighting through hoards of tourists and people trying to sell stuff and people just trying to get to their offices. Then sitting on a train for ten minutes, rushing to get to the next place. I was so focused on trying to get through the crowds as fast as possible, and fighting off the tension I feel in these types of crowds, that no zen was coming near me.

So, post-move, a lot of what has been happening has been inward. But that’s really the most important thing. What’s going on inside you is the only thing you can really take with you everywhere you go. So it is exciting to begin to find the place inside me where I can return to again and again to embrace this day, and embrace this life. My new outward living space has been instrumental in me creating the new inward living space. It’s such a treat to start these days with a quiet walk to the train, where I just pass the neighborhood folks and locals doing their thing, living their daily lives.

so i’m cleansed. pass the doritos. December 1, 2009

well well well. you don’t call, you don’t write….

It’s been a busy week, and largely without Internet. Which has been wonderful. It’s nice to not have the option to check email or facebook one million times a day. What did people do before the Internet? Read books, take walks, talk face to face….

First, an update on the cleanse.
Last Wednesday was the detox day where I didn’t eat and didn’t cheat. I had my alloted 6 almonds.
It was a really interesting experience because I passed the breaking point of hunger and felt a bit high. It was pretty exciting. I actually had all these crazy creative ideas running through my head and sat at a computer and wrote them all out. It was inspiring to do that—move past the breaking point. I realized I haven’t really experienced that before and it made me want to run a marathon and see what that’s like.
First I’m going to practice running an entire mile.

The next day was Thanksgiving.

I went to my friend Anna’s, where I’ve celebrated Thanksgiving for the past 4 years. Her and her husband cook an amazing feast. Around 3pm they started serving hors d’oeuvres. This was my first day off the cleanse, and I had some oatmeal and eggs for breakfast, and an apple later.

At 3pm I wasn’t hungry. I was, however, really scared. There was going to be A LOT of food. And I didn’t know how my body would react.

I actually did okay during mealtime, ate to fullness, and not over. It’s dessert that kicked me in the ass.

Three pieces of pie (made from scratch pumpkin and apple, thank you Anna), with ice cream, and a decaf coffee with bailey’s with whipped cream. YUMMMMMM. I was the last person at the table eating and everyone joked that I was re-toxing now. Ha.

Then I started to feel bad. Not physically. Mentally and emotionally. I went to the bathroom and was crying. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I eat all of this? I had lost 5 pounds! I’m gaining it all back! I can’t control myself.

Sound bad? It felt bad. It felt like an eating disorder! It was very odd… Emotionally I was a wreck.

Now don’t even tell me how it was a bad idea to do a cleanse before Thanksgiving. I KNOW. But I did it ANYWAY. It’s always going to be a bad time. But going from starving one day to being in front of a feast of amazing delicious favorite food is really a recipe for disaster.

Anna calmed me down a bit, and reminded me that I did not do anything wrong by eating! It’s a holiday, and I enjoyed it. Her acupuncture teachers had just been speaking about how great cleanses are for the body. They give your intestines and liver a break and are great for your system. And then afterwards, IT IS OKAY TO EAT LIKE NORMAL.

During the cleanse, I felt so good because I wasn’t eating any processed food or caffeine or drinking. But here’s why it was easy: Someone else was in control of my diet. I did not have to think about meals at all. There were very strict rules to this cleanse and I had paid money to do it, so that really helped me to do it correctly. (I did go back on Friday and do the final detox day.) But, left to my own devices, I will eat bread, and cheese, and dessert, because these are delicious things.

I always come back to balance every single damn time and can’t learn my own lessons. The thing is, I enjoy life to much to be my skinniest. I just do. And, I feel embarrassed to share this with you all because I thought I was past that type of thinking, but I’m not. It still creeps up. It felt great to be a little looser in my clothing. But I love to try different food, and snack, and have one more bite and have drinks with friends and hot chocolates. So I think I have to accept the place that I am at. Or ya know, get back on the exercise and regular bikram train. But still—even if I do that stuff everyday, I gotta love my belly in all its glory.

I spent the rest of the time painting and moving and those are certainly not the times to eat grilled chicken salads.

Maia and I went picked out a great yellow and spent all day Saturday painting my room, with several breaks to the local restaurants in my great new neighborhood. The coffee shop has a delicious drink called the Bowl of Soul.

Steamed soy milk, vanilla, chammomile tea, honey, and cinnamon.

Ohhhhh it’s gonna be a good winter.

Sunday was moving day and with my kind, generous friends Maia & Karen, we made not one but two trips back and forth from Times Square to Brooklyn, dealing with the men lurking outside the building giving us advice on how to best pack my shit in the truck.

BOYS: NEVER DO THIS. OoooooooH. I don’t like to do a lot of “Men always…” blah blah blah, but really, Men always seem to think they know how to do these things better than women. Step on back, it is taken care of, and yes, I know how to use a drill.

It was really interesting moving out of the place. Several people who live there kept coming up to me and congratulating me on the move. I didn’t hear anything from my lovely neighbor Art, but my neighbor Fred did come by to say goodbye. He’s the retired pastor that I always have nice chats with. He gave me a present! A lovely scarf and a card. I almost cried, it was such a considerate gesture.

Saturday and Sunday were very long days and I have now tried out 4 of the local eateries, as well as finishing off Sunday with a giant shared bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a couple of beers celebrating the success. What cleanse?

So now I am furiously going through boxes in my new, lovely yellow room trying to find a home for everything I own. I am really enjoying living here so far. This morning I woke up and the sun was coming through my windows. I felt so happy to live in this place. I made a trip into the city and enjoyed the commute with my book and music and view of the Brooklyn Bridge and Manhattan Skyline.

So that’s where I am now. My pooch has returned after a 4 day leave-of-absence, but it’s time to get prepared for all the food and new restaurants I’ll be experiencing over the next month. OH. And, the life-sized oven in my new place! This house is gonna smell like Christmas!

Photos of Happy Class! November 24, 2009

My good friend Keith Huang took some photos of my solo show, “Happy Class” or “Really I Just Want to Eat Cheese,” and posted them over on his blog improvisgoodforyou.

I’ve been told I should add some photos to this blog. So, here they are!

My performing buddy from high school, Marie Anderson, opened for me on the ukulele.

Turtle Lady, what might have been… November 23, 2009

So this weekend, I am moving to Brooklyn!

I ran into my next door neighbor Fred last night. Fred is a retired pastor and reminds me a bit of a worldly Mr. Rogers. I’m not sure why he seems worldy, he is a pastor and all, but he’s always got a quick sense of humor and a light sense about him. We have passing conversation and he always wears hats. He gave me a hug and wished me luck in my profession. I wished him luck in his, although he is retired. He said, “Being retired just becomes a different profession altogether.”

There’s this blind woman I have seen around the building during the entire time I’ve lived here. I’ve occasionally assisted her with buying her sodas at the soda machine but we never talked past that. The other day we were both on the street in the middle of Times Square and she was trying to find her way across the street. I recognized her immediately, and was right beside her and she asked me if I could tell her when the light changed. We walked together the whole way back to the building and had a very interesting conversation. She has lived in that same building since the mid-70’s!!! Can you imagine living in a dorm room for 30 years? And that building has seen it all. When Times Square got really bad in the 80’s, this building was used as a brothel, and then Commonground bought it and renovated it. She was there through all of that. Anyhow, she was a pretty sharp lady. I think I forget that a lot of people here are very interesting people.

She congratulated me on moving. She’s trying to find a new place to live herself, but it’s tough to do anything without eyesight. (She works with a social worker who is helping her with the search.) She only went blind about 7 years ago, from cataracts, and is now 76. But she is very ready for a change.

Then, in the elevator the other day, Turtle Lady rolls in cracking jokes! She’s got more to her than I gave her credit for.

I recently met someone who lives in my building through catering. His name is Gabe, and he’s a fellow 20-something actor. After an event around Halloween I saw Gabe in the building and we both realized we lived in the same place. He was helping an older woman carry a pumpkin she had got for her apartment. I realized, whoa. That’s nice. I really have not done much to assist people in this building who might be able to use help once in a while.

I’ve been really stuck in my own little world here, and protecting myself from the assholes like the pervy bacon guy. Generally, there’s just one of two of those in every crowd, but their energy seems to flood the whole experience. I’m starting to wish I had looked up a little sooner to get to know some of the people here, or at least some interesting conversations here and there.

frozen! November 16, 2009

I feel a bit frozen when I try and figure out what kind of job to get now. I really like the catering company I work for, but I am getting about two shifts a week right now and I need more work. So I’m looking at my schedule, with sporadic kids’ parties and catering work throughout the next month, and trying to figure out what to do next.

I know craigslist is not the best place to look for jobs anymore, but I still look. It feels depressing though. It is difficult to wade through it all and not find anything interesting or desirable. I gave up checking idealist.org, because the thing is I don’t want one of those real jobs, those demanding jobs. I want something that I can just go in and do, and work hard and stuff, but then leave, but also not want to stick a pen through my eye while I’m there.

A restaurant? Maybe. Could be fun. I made some great friends at my last job, and am so glad that I worked there. I worked with some crazy good awesome people. Who knows who I could meet at a new restaurant! The problem: They are hiring for the holidays. I.E., Goodbye, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years plans.

Babysitting? Maybe. I could create my own Kid Kits like Kristy and MaryAnn did. (For the boys: Babysitters Club reference.)

Part-time work at 4 places so I feel like I am in control of my schedule?

Full-time at one place so that I have regular work?

I sent emails and facebook notes out to some friends, just putting the feelers out there for part-time jobs, and a lot of great options and ideas came back.

I also went to a restaurant on Friday and was chatting with the waiter about how he liked working there. The owner overheard me and talked to me about working there. She said to write a note on my resume that we met so it would stick out.

There are a lot of options. Luckily. Thankfully! But I just don’t knoooooooooooooow which is best. (Waa. Yeah, that’s right. Waaa.)

Temping?

Retail?

Holiday stuff?

Events?

Do I quit my current jobs to do 1 full time job?

Do I search for under-the-table work so that I can go on unemployment after the catering season is over? (Definitely deleting sentence this in 12 hours.)

Should I open a booth up in Union Square? There is this guy there who has an advice booth. I would like to do that. I would be stealing his idea. But, ever heard of Pepsi? Seemed to work for Pepsi, following Coke’s lead.

DURRRRN.

DURRRRN.

I need to rent a uhaul and buy a ton of boxes. (money.)
Also, buy some new furniture for my new room!!! (money.)
Yeah, it’s time to get this job thing figured out.

I saw one posting on craigslist for a cupcake baker and decorator. It REALLY excited me. I gathered all my proofreading/writing/schmoozing skills and made one snazzy cover letter. I also made a little cupcake portfolio online. They didn’t call me, but it was just NICE to see a job job, like something that pays money, that EXCITED me.

Should I go back to Magnolia?

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

They are all like, 21-year-old FIT students.

Am I being dumb by posting all of this stuff on the Web?
Am I making this more difficult than it needs to be?
Does anyone want to buy my microwave?

oh yeah November 15, 2009

I know what to focus on now.

Packing up this apartment and moving.
And finding a job.

Or twelve jobs.

On another note, Ritz crackers with peanut butter will never not be delicious.

now that that’s out of the way… November 13, 2009

I can begin to focus on, um…

Wait, what do I focus on now?

I had a wonderful night performing my solo show on Tuesday. The show went really well, and there was a lot of support in the room. A lot of PIT friends came, and a lot of my old work friends showed up too. I remember talking to them way back in February about wanting to put together a solo show. And it felt amazing to actually follow through on my goal. I am really good at having ideas. But I encountered so much inner resistance to getting serious about the show. I mean, it could suck. I could hate it. It is much safer to think about how great the experience could possibly be, than risk that feeling of disappointment. But, I had fun, and people laughed. So. Yay.

I was REALLY hoping that I was going to figure out some sort of new career path to pursue besides performing. Because a lot of times, being an “actor” by occupation is really a drag. I don’t know if you are aware of this, but it’s sort of competitive to get paying work.

But then, dammit, I felt so overjoyed to do this solo show and find my voice in this character. SHIT. I think I’m going to have to follow through with this and prepare to possibly wait tables a bit longer.

I am still thinking a lot about the article I mentioned a couple weeks ago from O Magazine, where the writer talks about (writer writes about?) how your life’s purpose may have more to do with what you are doing when you are not working. That idea has just taken all the pressure off whatever it is that I do.

The problem with being an actor is that you get so emotionally connected to the outcome of your creation, and everyone’s reaction to it. Because that creation is basically YOU. So I am becoming aware that my real purpose doesn’t have to do with being a performer, or being a writer, or funny or not funny, or in whatever it is I do to pay the bills. My real purpose is in the space between all that, in my relationships and enjoyment of life. I think I overlooked that for so long and looked for fulfillment in being an artist or in finding work that brought me real joy. I felt total fulfillment on Tuesday—absolutely. But also, in that I have finally learned to separate my identity from that of an actor or comedian. I am just me.

And I feel like I can actually bring a lot more to projects or shows or even catering when I’m not trying to force something into it being my validation as a human.

My amazing director Maia, who helped me find the character that I could really have fun with, lent me this great Martha Beck book, The Joy Diet. In it she has ten things she prescribes to do every day to bring more and more joy into your life. One of these things is “play.” The chapter is actually focused on occupation. She describes jobs as “games” and challenges you to understand how to see the humor in these games we’ve set up in workplaces.

A game is an artificial situation including a stated goal and a set of rules players must keep to reach that goal. That describes almost everyone’s job, and most nonprofessional pastimes as well. Unfortunately, we have a tendency to get so involved in these games that we mistake them for reality. In the instant that we do this, our lives become humorless and desperate, losing all the playfulness our true selves want to bring to our real careers. We feel as though we’re struggling with a grim, unalterable reality, when we could simply be enjoying whatever game we’ve chosen with a relaxed awareness of its arbitrariness and ultimate unimportance.

It’s fun to look at auditions as big games. You can sort of laugh at the fact that it’s this big deal to go in for a casting director and try to fit this character and do a short scene and hope THEY LIKE YOU and YOU FIT THIS PART and OH MY GOD WILL I GET A CALLBACK. Really this can just be an experiment in playing this game we’ve set up, and the rules we have created to make commercials or shows or whatever people out there are auditioning for. It takes the pressure off of the importance of the whole thing. It’s just a game, and the purpose of playing is in trying to learn how to get good at the game.

And one more gem from Martha Beck:

Once a day, take a moment to remember your real life’s work and differentiate it from the games you play in order to achieve it. Then, commit to playing wholeheartedly.

a pretty sweet week November 9, 2009

This feels like a really crazy time right now.

Last Sunday a whole bunch of people ran the New York marathon. A friend of mine from catering ran it, and shaved off 20 minutes of time off his record from last year. Down to somewhere around 3 hours and 50 minutes. 26.2 miles in 3 hours and 50 minutes.

Then on Friday, a bunch of my friends did an improv marathon. Tomahawk, a house team from the PIT, performed improv for 24 hours straight. No joke. I saw them around 2pm, when they were going seriously cuckoo. I saw a really hilarious show, when they were somewhere around the 3rd wind. The crazier they felt, the better the improv seemed to get.

Greg Portz performed his new show on Thursday and it was amazing. I was blown away. Everyone was. Keith took awesome pictures. It was painful and angry and hilarious and ridiculous and gorgeous.

Tuesday is a big day for me. I’m doing my solo show!
And I’m excited because… I really like my show.
My good friend Maia has worked with me on this since the summer, when I was horribly stuck on it, but wanting to write it. We have had a lot of fun getting me unstuck! (Not just fun. I have made sure to carry a heavy dose of anxiety with me throughout the entire process as well.)

It is 100 degrees away from where it started with my green notebook in February.

Now, when I think about it, I feel really excited!

So I suppose, here on this blog, I’m supposed to plug it, right? I’m pretty sure most of you have gotten some sort of announcement via one way or another which we connect.

Well, anyways, here goes:

“Happy Class” or… “Really I Just Want to Eat Cheese”
It’s at the Peoples Improv Theater
Tuesday, Nov. 10 at 9:30pm
$5
Tickets can be purchased here.

Oh yeah, and also, I found a new place to live: in a house in Brooklyn. Mayor Bloomberg was crowned Mayor of New York for the 3rd reign, and the Yankees won the World Series.

shake, etc., addendum. (read shake shake shake pt2 first). November 5, 2009

I think movement in life is so important so that you don’t resent what it is that you have now. Because most likely, at one point, it’s the exact thing you wanted! This apartment was so very perfect for me for the past 4 (ish) years. It’s been a huge gift to have this space to myself, close to everywhere I go. It really has served all my needs. And now I am ready for something different. It’s only been recently that I’ve let the thoughts in that say, “okay, let’s get outta here!” And I’m thankful that a great opportunity has come my way before they can fester about and stir up and create a giant pile of resentment. This place has been great, and I want to give it full credit for what a wonderful little haven my nook as been, right here in the middle of Manhattan.

shake shake shake, part 2! November 5, 2009

I am a firm believer in shaking snow globes whenever you feel stuck.

So I’m shake shake shaking!

I am moving!

To a house in Brooklyn!
(The one I looked at on Sunday and immediately liked.)

It wouldn’t feel official until I sent them a check, and notified my building. (Lucky for me, they have a sweet 30-day policy. I just had to give 30-days notice. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to move til my lease expired.)

So, over the past 48 hours, the housemates called and invited me to live with them, I freaked out and then called and calmly said yes, then I freaked out again and called and said wait—I’m not ready for this, then spoke to a few friends and my mother and with resounding “GO FOR IT”s on every end, my senses came back, and I called and said wait—I’m ready!

Ha!

I gave them a little preview of my crazy mental state.

This was hilarious to me because just on Monday I was feeling ever so confident about my decision-making ability. I had connected with my essential self. I knew what I wanted.

But then, thinking about turning in my keys and saying goodbye to my bathroom and my own space got me really scared.

What am I even doing? I haven’t even explored Brooklyn! Maybe I want to live in Greenpoint! Or Ft. Greene! Or Boerum Hill! Or or orororororoororororr

Hush it!

There’s simply no way to know how this will feel until I experience it. I’ve been reminded by friends that there’s no right or wrong thing to do. Jen was just writing about this on her blog! There really is no right or wrong answer to moving now or moving later. But I have been itching for a change, and a wonderful opportunity has come my way.

So I may as well just give it a go!

So, I’m psyched. Psyched to read books on the commute, to have more than one room to hang out in, to be close to Prospect Park, to try out new routes and restaurants, and to have a room without a kitchen in it, and to live in a home with 4 people, rather than a building in midtown Manhattan with 900 very, very interesting folks.