In every moment of your life, you have the option to choose peace for yourself.

Your false self thrives on your inner anxiety because that is what it thinks it needs to stay alive. Ego promotes thoughts like these: I cannot be happy or content; I must be a sinner and an evil person; If I am feeling peaceful then I will simply vegetate; I must constantly look at how others are living and performing in order to assess my value. This constant state of comparison keeps the turmoil alive.

The ego wants you in a constant state of agitation to keep you from embracing your higher self. It convinces you that if you are not always on edge, you can’t grow. But you must keep in mind that experiencing this inner turmoil is a choice that you have made by allowing your false self to dominate your life. When you make the choice for peace, you are literally allowing God into your life. Rather than vegetate, you will discover that you can be busy, purposeful and blissful and still have peace.

Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, Your Sacred Self

I have found that I have been spending very little time on the computer over the past few weeks. You can tell by the way it looks around here! I feel like I am running around a lot. I put it out there a while ago that I was available for part-time odd jobs, and bit by bit they have floated in over the past month. And now that I’m a commuter I find myself leaving in the morning and coming home later at night on lots of days.

It’s really nice actually. A long time habit of mine has been to aimlessly be on the computer, endlessly checking my email and Facebook. Often I would get stuck doing that and have to force myself to go outside or something else. I think this also has to do with the fact that in my small studio, my computer was always starting at me. “Check me! There may be an email! A friend request! A new picture tagged! I bet there is a boy out there who you like who’s in photos with pretty girls so let’s wallow in that for a while! C’mon…”

So, that is my excuse for not posting very often.

Right now it is snowing like crazy. I love the quiet stillness that the snow brings.

I wanted to share a little of something I wrote when I was cleansing! I was on my next-to-last day of detoxing (the night before Thanksgiving), and I passed the point of hunger to where I didn’t feel hungry anymore. It was a really exciting thing for me to experience because it made me feel like I had passed the breaking point. I realized that this is a huge challenge for me in almost every area of my life. When things get really tough, I get scared and back down. But if you can push through that point, things actually get easier and you get great breakthroughs.

It was the first time for me that I had really detoxed, so it was a big deal for me. I didn’t know how my body would react to not eating food. (Except 6 almonds.)

I’m going to preface this and say that I didn’t have Internet at this point due to moving, so I just wrote on my computer because I needed to write, without considering whether I’d post it or not.

And I’m not gonna edit it either, because it’s all the stuff that came up!

So here’s this thing I wrote.

The breaking point.
Today is my detox day.
It was fine until about 5 pm when i started to get cranky.
I ran a bunch of errands this afternoon while my energy was up and brain was thinking clearly.

This time, I have not cheated. I have had my six alloted snacks.
(Read: 4 chewy “snack” tablets that look like Tums but taste better, and two raw almonds.)

I rented 5 movies from the library.
I don’t have Internet.
My head feels fuzzy. My face looks bloated.

This cleanse has been good for me, because of many reasons.
One is that, I often treat myself with food.
“I deserve this.”
“I deserve a cookie.”
“I worked hard, I deserve fries with cheese.”

This is how I reward myself.

You know what I deserve?

To feel like a million bucks, all the time.
This is not possible.
However, this is the starting point I want to be at on a regular basis, and swerve from there because I am making allowances for LIFE.

Okay—at least that’s my starting point. Emotions are good to have, sometimes I will feel down or depressed. 
But I’m talking physically.

I’m tired of having gas.
Yeah, I said that.
I’m tired of waking up hungover, more than once or twice a month. I’m tired of thinking I have to drink a certain amount to have the maximum fun. I’m tired of my social life controlling how I treat my body. I am tired of regularly experiencing guilt as I attempt to regulate want my child wants and what my grown up thinks I should have.
PEOPLE. Let’s work together here!

DAMN. I know how to DANCE. I know how to LAUGH. I have amazing people in my life to laugh and dance with.

And I won’t block my insecurities with alcohol.

I want to pass the breaking point in my life, in my life’s patterns, in my mental battle with going to the next level. It’s so fuzzy right now in my brain that I am having trouble hearing all the naysayers in my head, telling me a shouldn’t write this. What if people look at me in the bar? What about if I do overdrink? Or if I don’t at all? 

And they all know my secrets!
SHH…

Don’t tell anyone at Mustang Sally’s, okay?
I don’t want anyone to expect anything of me.
That would be, like HORRIBLE.

And really, I am done with dumb boys.

New resolution: I will only buy a dress that makes me feel awesome. When I can afford it.
I will only flirt with boys who make me feel awesome.
The real awesome. Authentic awesome.
I will only eat food that makes me feel awesome.
Sometimes this is cheese. When I can afford it.

But I am not going to block anxiety, or pain, or fear, (My three BIG ONES) those feelings with food, or even with tears.
Back when I took Eric Davis’s class last January, it was extremely frustrating. I came out, and tried to connect with the audience as my clown. I was bawling, and crying. He didn’t buy it. “I’m such a good cryer though! I am being emotionally open!” When the tears had faded, the real stuff could come up. I was scared to be out there. I remember looking down at that moment.

He said, “When you want to look down, look up.”

That’s when you are real. All the real gunk. That’s the good stuff. Let it come up! It needs to!

I wasn’t! I was using tears to block everything.

Then when I found my character for the [solo] show, [when] I found my vulnerability. It is in revealing who I truly am, all the SHIT underneath the big smile. Just to be myself! Amped up, trying so hard to create the life I desire, but revealing that is who I am. I think I try so hard sometimes that it scares the proper events from just taking place.

And that’s when I had fun.

One part of the self that I discovered in September was my inner child. This child did not wanna do ANYTHING. It was having temper tantrums all over the place, until I finally said: “Okay, what do YOU want to do?”

I have been, since then, trying to honor that child. I think for a long time, I was a very strict parent. So much that, I couldn’t hear what it wanted anymore. I heard many other voices. My mind had taken over and decided what I wanted. The child was huffy in a corner and did not like any decisions.

I really wanted to get a career out of my month off.

Instead, I got FUN.

And I got CREATIVE breakthroughs.

And I got a new HOME that is going to be a true abode.

And I developed new and strong RELATIONSHIPS.

And right now I am developing better HEALTH.

I always return to Julia Cameron’s idea of the 7 areas of life: creativity, health, possessions, leisure, relationships, career, and spirituality.

It seems like I am continually pushed to work on all these other areas first, that I didn’t even realize I was not fully embracing, because all I could ever think about was, “What the heck am I doing? How am I gonna support myself? WELL? I want to make great money and do something I love? Do I have to do one million more shows to make that happen? Does it have to be acting?”

The answer is: I don’t care, I just want to be happy! I am not married to being an actor. I am married to living a joyful, full life.

stop PUSHING for an answer, and just LIVE, and explore, until I find the career dress that makes me feel awesome, and is within my budget.

So that’s when I continued with the ever present journey towards a full life.

And now I am understanding that I need to raise my inner child a bit better.

I need to give the child ample room to play, and to work with the child in finding joy, but this child is not going to run the ship. Neither is my mind.

Just: me. Just, my true essential self.

I am making deals with myself for the new year:
My reward for hard work will not be overstuffing myself, or not exercizing.

If I want to eat too much, that will just be a decision I make.
If I want to not exercise, then I will do that, but it will not come from an inner fit.

I am going to deal with the inner fits as they come up.

I’m also going to try daily to do something really crazy: Not Worry About This “Career” thing. That is just another block!
I am going to explore, and I’m going to eat great meals from my local, cheap grocery store.

I am going to live within my pants means, and within my financial means, WHILE allowing myself freedom to live life and explore.

I am going to let the emotions rise to the top, whatever they be, look them in the face, and deal with them.

It’s okay to feel painful things. It’s not okay to stuff them down with blocks.

All the different characters in my own woman-show over here are gonna start working together to make one really great theatrical experience.

I was lucky enough to get some commercial auditions, and I got two callbacks in two weeks.

They were really fun, too!

The directors both had me go back and try different things, they laughed, they said, “thanks elizabeth,” “really nice,” etc.

I began to separate myself emotionally from my career defining me.

And now I have had this great process of separating myself emotionally from my eating habits.

I hope to God this is not a week at church camp, where I go home and fall back into the same patterns.

I want to create the newest, best patterns for my life,
in the kindest, most wonderful way.

The only limits you have are the ones you put on yourself!
Someone said that once, I’m sure.

I am not limiting myself by giving into emotional up and downs.

When I feel sad or angry, my options are not:
-buying stuff
-eating stuff
-researching therapists/doctors/life coaches/ yoga studios/spiritual guides.
-call a friend/family crying

My options are:
-go outside
-take a nap
-write
-cry
-throw things
-kick things
-let whatever tantrum out that the child needs out, and then closely examine where it came from.
-and DEAL with that area!

Time to be my own life coach! Which is great, because I love working with a life coach.
This saves me money. Plus, I know everything that I need, and I know everything I want.

I am getting rid of the shit clogging up my pores.

I threw it all out.
Why did I have makeup I owned 5 years ago?
I don’t want that stuff on my face!

I am getting rid of the mental patterns clogging up my life.
Obviously I developed them through time to deal with life.

But I don’t wear lipstick from five years ago. I’m not going to wear the mental or emotional coats I used to wear either.

I have grown them out!

So I am tossing that out! Not even giving them to good will. I don’t want someone else to pick up morning anxiety, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of losing friends, fear of alienating people. I don’t want someone else to pick the kind of guys who want want anything from me emotionally but can allow me to remain a victim of rejection. It’s soo safe there! I am safe in that pain.

Nope, I’m not doing that stuff!
Good bye, boys!
Good bye , stupid bartenders!
Good bye, dime-a-day musician!
Good bye, “cutest guy in the club”. Bring me that dorky one who looks really uncomfortable. You look… NICE.

I am starting to find I am very interested in nice boys.

That’s a really exciting place to be.

Nice boys might like me back!
YIKES!

So, here I am, a few weeks later. As usual, I set my sights very high on how I wanted to live, eat, act, etc. And I did go to the other extreme for a couple of weeks after the cleanse. Whiskey and giant bags of Doritos were consumed and enjoyed. And lots of delicious sweets. And it all caught up to me last Saturday afternoon. I just felt completely exhausted from running around, the move, and my diet being all over the place. So i did a little one-day cleanse on Sunday, having two of the Isagenix shakes and a light meal, staying off caffeine and sugar. It helped me kick back into gear with really listening to my body. Gently. And so now, after going from one extreme to another extreme and back, NOW i feel ready to kindly, gently listen to my body’s needs and balance them with my taste bud’s wants.

The things my head have understood for a little while as far as boys go are finally traveling down to my heart, in regards to who I have chosen to date or how I have chosen to present myself when I’m out having fun or at the bar with friends. I’m really good at seeming like a care-free confident New York lady but the truth is I do want more than some short-term interaction just to occupy my ego or entertain me for the time being.

Martha Beck calls it your inner self, and Wayne Dyer calls it your essential self, some may say your higher self and others, God, but I believe there is a place inside each one of us that has all the answers we need and immediately knows if something is good for us or not. Wayne Dyer talks a lot about the “knowing.” I am starting to have more confidence in the things I “know.” Not believe, know.

I feel like with the new year coming in, I am entering into a new phase of life. I am learning to deal with my anxieties and the things I want in my life without letting them take over the present moment.

WIth all the career stuff, the wanting and fears and finally letting go, finding a way to detach my self worth from my success is proving to be essential. I’m starting to discover some things out there that I do enjoy doing that I can make money from! I won’t lay out my ideas here, but I will tell you something I did this week. I taught a cupcake lesson! And got paid for it! We baked and made icing and decorated. I had fun, and laughed, and helped someone, and, got paid for it. Sweet.

There has been a lot happening over the past two weeks. The move really has been wonderful for my brain. I just plain old like it out here! I like living in a house. I like having people around. I like the commute, sitting on the train, reading a book and listening to music, people watching, seeing the Manhattan skyline every day, seeing the sunset occasionally at night. I like having a real kitchen to cook in, a new neighborhood to explore (an entire borough to explore), a new park to walk in, new coffee shops with special brews, new bars to try whiskey of the week at, new restaurants to grab bites at, very cheap and very close grocery stores, sunshine through my window, no tourists within miles of my sleeping space, a large living room to watch the Biggest Loser in.

This was the other night, Tuesday night, when I had been making eggnog cupcakes in the kitchen with the real oven. (In ye olde days, I had a mini confectioner’s oven! It took a long time and a lot of kitchen space creativity to bake a whole batch!) After I’d put in a batch of cupcakes into the oven, I took my spiked eggnog into the living room and turned on the tv. The Biggest Loser was on. What is the deal with this show? I can’t sit through the first 5 minutes without crying! It was amazing. It just felt like a perfect evening. I remember a while ago being so busy and not rarely having nights free. It was just wonderful to be out in this neighborhood, this quiet neighborhood, on Tuesday night, baking my favorite recipe and watching my favorite show, and chatting with roommates.

I am realizing that while I was living in the very small apartment all to myself, in the middle of Times Square, I felt a bit like I was waiting for life to start. Waiting to have the money, the security, the life PLAN, before letting go of a great deal in Manhattan. And I wasn’t really even aware of how the living space was really affecting me. I just didn’t like being there anymore.

I’ve started to let go of needing a life plan, of needing to have it figured out. I am reading this great book (on the train!) by Wayne Dyer: Your Sacred Self.

Relax about the future and let it go. Instead, make an active commitment to enjoy this day a little more. The more peaceful you are with yourself and your role here, the more productive and efficient you become. It is very difficult to accomplish anything when you are stressed over the outcome. When you relax and get peaceful, you become inspired and efficient. Toss out the goals and live your life knowing you are cocreating it.

I think that a lot of times, you just get used to feeling certain ways. Maybe it’s being tired all the time, or insecure, or fearful. I have had a habit of carrying around a lot of anxiety with me all the time. It’s pretty cool now, because since I have 30-45 minutes of down time built in every time I go into Manhattan, it’s become a time to get still and centered, and try to just breathe and smile. I didn’t have that before. There were minutes built in every day of fighting through hoards of tourists and people trying to sell stuff and people just trying to get to their offices. Then sitting on a train for ten minutes, rushing to get to the next place. I was so focused on trying to get through the crowds as fast as possible, and fighting off the tension I feel in these types of crowds, that no zen was coming near me.

So, post-move, a lot of what has been happening has been inward. But that’s really the most important thing. What’s going on inside you is the only thing you can really take with you everywhere you go. So it is exciting to begin to find the place inside me where I can return to again and again to embrace this day, and embrace this life. My new outward living space has been instrumental in me creating the new inward living space. It’s such a treat to start these days with a quiet walk to the train, where I just pass the neighborhood folks and locals doing their thing, living their daily lives.

Went out to the local bar with new roomies tonight.

This bar specializes in whiskey.
They even offer tastings.

It’s going to be a very good winter.

well well well. you don’t call, you don’t write….

It’s been a busy week, and largely without Internet. Which has been wonderful. It’s nice to not have the option to check email or facebook one million times a day. What did people do before the Internet? Read books, take walks, talk face to face….

First, an update on the cleanse.
Last Wednesday was the detox day where I didn’t eat and didn’t cheat. I had my alloted 6 almonds.
It was a really interesting experience because I passed the breaking point of hunger and felt a bit high. It was pretty exciting. I actually had all these crazy creative ideas running through my head and sat at a computer and wrote them all out. It was inspiring to do that—move past the breaking point. I realized I haven’t really experienced that before and it made me want to run a marathon and see what that’s like.
First I’m going to practice running an entire mile.

The next day was Thanksgiving.

I went to my friend Anna’s, where I’ve celebrated Thanksgiving for the past 4 years. Her and her husband cook an amazing feast. Around 3pm they started serving hors d’oeuvres. This was my first day off the cleanse, and I had some oatmeal and eggs for breakfast, and an apple later.

At 3pm I wasn’t hungry. I was, however, really scared. There was going to be A LOT of food. And I didn’t know how my body would react.

I actually did okay during mealtime, ate to fullness, and not over. It’s dessert that kicked me in the ass.

Three pieces of pie (made from scratch pumpkin and apple, thank you Anna), with ice cream, and a decaf coffee with bailey’s with whipped cream. YUMMMMMM. I was the last person at the table eating and everyone joked that I was re-toxing now. Ha.

Then I started to feel bad. Not physically. Mentally and emotionally. I went to the bathroom and was crying. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I eat all of this? I had lost 5 pounds! I’m gaining it all back! I can’t control myself.

Sound bad? It felt bad. It felt like an eating disorder! It was very odd… Emotionally I was a wreck.

Now don’t even tell me how it was a bad idea to do a cleanse before Thanksgiving. I KNOW. But I did it ANYWAY. It’s always going to be a bad time. But going from starving one day to being in front of a feast of amazing delicious favorite food is really a recipe for disaster.

Anna calmed me down a bit, and reminded me that I did not do anything wrong by eating! It’s a holiday, and I enjoyed it. Her acupuncture teachers had just been speaking about how great cleanses are for the body. They give your intestines and liver a break and are great for your system. And then afterwards, IT IS OKAY TO EAT LIKE NORMAL.

During the cleanse, I felt so good because I wasn’t eating any processed food or caffeine or drinking. But here’s why it was easy: Someone else was in control of my diet. I did not have to think about meals at all. There were very strict rules to this cleanse and I had paid money to do it, so that really helped me to do it correctly. (I did go back on Friday and do the final detox day.) But, left to my own devices, I will eat bread, and cheese, and dessert, because these are delicious things.

I always come back to balance every single damn time and can’t learn my own lessons. The thing is, I enjoy life to much to be my skinniest. I just do. And, I feel embarrassed to share this with you all because I thought I was past that type of thinking, but I’m not. It still creeps up. It felt great to be a little looser in my clothing. But I love to try different food, and snack, and have one more bite and have drinks with friends and hot chocolates. So I think I have to accept the place that I am at. Or ya know, get back on the exercise and regular bikram train. But still—even if I do that stuff everyday, I gotta love my belly in all its glory.

I spent the rest of the time painting and moving and those are certainly not the times to eat grilled chicken salads.

Maia and I went picked out a great yellow and spent all day Saturday painting my room, with several breaks to the local restaurants in my great new neighborhood. The coffee shop has a delicious drink called the Bowl of Soul.

Steamed soy milk, vanilla, chammomile tea, honey, and cinnamon.

Ohhhhh it’s gonna be a good winter.

Sunday was moving day and with my kind, generous friends Maia & Karen, we made not one but two trips back and forth from Times Square to Brooklyn, dealing with the men lurking outside the building giving us advice on how to best pack my shit in the truck.

BOYS: NEVER DO THIS. OoooooooH. I don’t like to do a lot of “Men always…” blah blah blah, but really, Men always seem to think they know how to do these things better than women. Step on back, it is taken care of, and yes, I know how to use a drill.

It was really interesting moving out of the place. Several people who live there kept coming up to me and congratulating me on the move. I didn’t hear anything from my lovely neighbor Art, but my neighbor Fred did come by to say goodbye. He’s the retired pastor that I always have nice chats with. He gave me a present! A lovely scarf and a card. I almost cried, it was such a considerate gesture.

Saturday and Sunday were very long days and I have now tried out 4 of the local eateries, as well as finishing off Sunday with a giant shared bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a couple of beers celebrating the success. What cleanse?

So now I am furiously going through boxes in my new, lovely yellow room trying to find a home for everything I own. I am really enjoying living here so far. This morning I woke up and the sun was coming through my windows. I felt so happy to live in this place. I made a trip into the city and enjoyed the commute with my book and music and view of the Brooklyn Bridge and Manhattan Skyline.

So that’s where I am now. My pooch has returned after a 4 day leave-of-absence, but it’s time to get prepared for all the food and new restaurants I’ll be experiencing over the next month. OH. And, the life-sized oven in my new place! This house is gonna smell like Christmas!

Jen told me about Yoga Download a while ago, and I’ve just started using it recently. I am trying to create my own home practice and I’m starting with a very easy basic yoga class. I find that starting the day with some light stretching is a great way to both wake up and start the day feeling good.

Right now they are having a membership sale, so it’s a good time to join!

Still feeling pretty great from this cleanse. I think the biggest difference in my day-to-day experience that I haven’t felt overly full, or super hungry. Which seems odd. I have pretty much stayed in that place in the middle. When I have felt tired, it was either time for the next shake or a snack, like a few almonds or celery. (Yeah! celery!) Or the meal of the day.

The hardest thing for me in this little week has been staying away from hot, frothy coffee and espresso drinks. Yesterday was the first day I craved caffeine. I had a decaf coffee with soy milk and splenda and let that be my treat.

I love hot cocoa. And cappucinos. And I’m dying to try that caramel brulee latte drug. Holy moly.

And here’s something exciting…

My catering pants fit again! It’s been a very uncomfortable season. I’ve been sneaking off to unbutton the top button and breathe and hope the captain doesn’t see me and think I’m very strange.

So, Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Followed by a holiday season filled with, I hope, lots and lots of parties. The challenge will be to really enjoy the food I’m eating and when I feel good, stop. And to enjoy the drinks and dancing and not feel the need to pass my limit to have fun.

I like fitting into the pants I own! It’s much more comfortable.

I’m a big believer in getting a head start on the new year. I’ve been working on getting a balanced relationship with food and exercise for a while, but I’m not quite there. I want to be in the place where I can be around cheesy french fries and they won’t be this dramatic temptation that I either give into full-time or feel extremely taunted by if I forego them. I just want to separate myself emotionally from those decisions. Either eat those durn fries and fully enjoy them, or don’t! I’m hoping this regimented week will help me to make good choices without feeling like I’m limiting my experience of life!

Definitely the lack of bread, pasta, dairy, alcohol, and caffeine has had a huge effect on everything from how my stomach feels to my mood to my energy. So my thoughts are that I should keep those minimal in my life in general. (Okay: At least the bread, pasta, and caffeine. Wine and cheese bring me joy and I will let my soul reign free in that gouda and malbec.) But if I am at a potluck party, and someone makes a mac n cheese from scratch, damn, I am having some mac n cheese! (Btw—Someone should do that.)

I actually experienced something odd yesterday. I had just finished my baked salmon, brown rice, and spinach salad, and felt pretty good. But that salmon was sooo yummy that I wanted to just eat the last bit I had cooked. I took a bite, and that guilt kicked in, because I knew: my body didn’t really want it! My mind is just so programed to going a little past that full place that I reached for it. So, I threw it away, and left feeling good.

In other news: I am really freaking excited about Turkey Day. Hope you all have wonderful holiday plans. I’m taking some Bailey’s and decaf coffee to my friend Anna’s. MMMM.

My good friend Keith Huang took some photos of my solo show, “Happy Class” or “Really I Just Want to Eat Cheese,” and posted them over on his blog improvisgoodforyou.

I’ve been told I should add some photos to this blog. So, here they are!

My performing buddy from high school, Marie Anderson, opened for me on the ukulele.

So this weekend, I am moving to Brooklyn!

I ran into my next door neighbor Fred last night. Fred is a retired pastor and reminds me a bit of a worldly Mr. Rogers. I’m not sure why he seems worldy, he is a pastor and all, but he’s always got a quick sense of humor and a light sense about him. We have passing conversation and he always wears hats. He gave me a hug and wished me luck in my profession. I wished him luck in his, although he is retired. He said, “Being retired just becomes a different profession altogether.”

There’s this blind woman I have seen around the building during the entire time I’ve lived here. I’ve occasionally assisted her with buying her sodas at the soda machine but we never talked past that. The other day we were both on the street in the middle of Times Square and she was trying to find her way across the street. I recognized her immediately, and was right beside her and she asked me if I could tell her when the light changed. We walked together the whole way back to the building and had a very interesting conversation. She has lived in that same building since the mid-70’s!!! Can you imagine living in a dorm room for 30 years? And that building has seen it all. When Times Square got really bad in the 80’s, this building was used as a brothel, and then Commonground bought it and renovated it. She was there through all of that. Anyhow, she was a pretty sharp lady. I think I forget that a lot of people here are very interesting people.

She congratulated me on moving. She’s trying to find a new place to live herself, but it’s tough to do anything without eyesight. (She works with a social worker who is helping her with the search.) She only went blind about 7 years ago, from cataracts, and is now 76. But she is very ready for a change.

Then, in the elevator the other day, Turtle Lady rolls in cracking jokes! She’s got more to her than I gave her credit for.

I recently met someone who lives in my building through catering. His name is Gabe, and he’s a fellow 20-something actor. After an event around Halloween I saw Gabe in the building and we both realized we lived in the same place. He was helping an older woman carry a pumpkin she had got for her apartment. I realized, whoa. That’s nice. I really have not done much to assist people in this building who might be able to use help once in a while.

I’ve been really stuck in my own little world here, and protecting myself from the assholes like the pervy bacon guy. Generally, there’s just one of two of those in every crowd, but their energy seems to flood the whole experience. I’m starting to wish I had looked up a little sooner to get to know some of the people here, or at least some interesting conversations here and there.

I have this fantasy of “feeling good all the time.” If I could make myself always exercise and eat well and then do everything else in moderation, I think it would be achievable. I tend to get stuck in cycles. For a couple of weeks I will be going regularly to bikram and eating really great food, and then something happens: maybe I just run out of groceries and eat on the go for several days in a row, or I get really busy with something and decide I don’t have time to exercise, or I just have a bit too much fun over the weekend and get stuck in that mindset for several days.

I am an indulger. I love to indulge in desserts, in drinks, in great food.

For the past couple of days on this cleanse (Post-detox days!), I have felt mentally clear, and emotionally great too.

This experience is showing me the correlation between mental and emotional health and what I put into my body. Yeah, I knew that in my head. But to actually feel clear-headed for several days straight, without the use of caffeine or anything else, is a treat. I’ve been laying pretty low during the cleanse, because I don’t want to put myself around temptation. I like being in on the fun! But I don’t feel sad or lonely being at home. I feel great! And I don’t feel like I need take-out or a piece of cake to pair with the movies I’ve rented. (Adventureland=great!)

Now, the question is, how do I do this when I am left to fin for myself post-cleanse? How do I still enjoy indulging but make it a treat? How do I make feeling good all the time part of my regular life, not just a cycle I tend to jump into once in a while?

This isn’t just about weight or how I look. It’s much more about how I feel. I’ve found myself thinking, “I feel GREAT in my body!” I just feel good! I don’t have a desire right now to do any emotional eating. Maybe it’s because emotional eating is all about blocking painful emotions. With that option out of the picture, I feel a bit freer to just enjoy life and feel whatever it is I’m feeling.

So it’s proving to be a really great experience. It’s probably the first full week I have gone without wheat, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, or desserts. And I haven’t had any of my usual stomach pains.

This morning I woke up and had my shake, did some light yoga, and took a really long walk in the park. I am a sucker for hot drinks on cold days, so I got myself an orange tea with some honey. (A little bit of honey is allowed! It’s in the book, I’ll show you.) And it just felt great!

I am finding myself thinking, “I don’t want the cleanse to end!”
Ha!