Feeling great on Day 4 November 21, 2009

Okay, so now I am feeling great!

I am on Day 4 of the Isagenix Cleanse. The first two days are detox days, with five shake days in the middle (two shakes a day and one 400-600 cal meal), with two days of detox at the end.

(If you do the math, please note that my final detox day will skip Thursday and move to Friday. Thanksgiving dinner is not to be messed with.)

Friday was the first shake day and I woke up feeling awful. And that is apparently what is to be expected after detoxing! And, I mentioned I had some horrible dreams Thursday night. Well—a friend suggested to me that this could be my mind detoxing too, and lots of negative thoughts and ideas in my head were exiting the system!

Last night I only woke up once, and still had some odd dreams. However, they were the total opposite. I dreamed about a puppy, no joke. It was the sweetest, most fun, lovable, and playful dog. It was GREAT! We just played and played and played.

Now I am looking at the first two days, the detox days, and realizing my mind made them seem a bit harder to get through than they actually were. I was going into it slightly half-committed. Which never is good. I was judgmental of the whole process, of myself for doing it and paying for it, and questioning that the results would actually be beneficial.

Well, there’s only one way to really find out! By going ALL IN and seeing what happens!

I mentioned that yesterday I cheated and had two meals—oatmeal for breakfast, and a spinach salad with grilled chicken, carrots, broccoli, and peppers for lunch. (Lemon herb dressing on the side.)

This was a really great lunch. I sat there and slowly ate it and really just savored it. The rest of the afternoon, I felt great.

At night, for dinner, I really made a thing of the shake. I am reading various books on feng shui right now and one theme is enjoying each of the senses. One book mentioned drinking a smoothie in the bathtub.

Done and done.

I don’t have a blender, but I do have this shaky thingie (technical term) that at least gets the drink nice and frothy. I made a bath, put on a jazz podcast from NPR (George Shearing on Piano Jazz), and I had my shake in the bathtub. This is really the way to go.

I have decided that for the remainder of the cleanse, there will be no more cheating. I can do this!

I have realized a lot of my eating comes down to fear. Fear of not eating enough and being tired later. Fear of not feeling totally full. It is nice to be doing this regimen to get my brain out of that mindset. I actually felt great at the kid’s party I worked today, leading 20 3-year-olds around the Central Park Zoo, getting them to waddle like the penguins and jump like the snow leopards. I had all the energy I needed and wasn’t tired at all.

I am starting to see what a great time this is for me to do a cleanse. After the kid’s party I went to visit the house I’m moving into to meet the landlord. I revisited my soon-to-be room and decided that I’m definitely redoing the place. Painting, new carpet, and deep cleaning everything. Meanwhile in my current apartment I have been going through my things bit by bit. So as I physically and mentally clear out the gunk collected in my body by doing this cleanse, I am also doing this in my home, life, and mind. Perfect timing.

So, now I am off to work out for 20 minutes. I was scared to do this the other two days. What if I felt tired? Ha! I could always just get off of the treadmill. (Yet another fear!) Today I am feeling great so I’m going for it, and then I’m really gonna enjoy cooking my light dinner. Salmon, vegetables, and brown rice await! My mouth is watering so I better go and make this workout a reality.

So I am doing a cleanse. November 20, 2009

Yep. I’ve talked a lot about detoxing and never tried it for real. This seemed like a good time to go for it, because I don’t have many commitments over the next week, and it’s right before moving too. I don’t want to be the new girl in the house who can’t sit down and drink a glass of wine. (“I’ll just have water with lemon.”)

I have never done a fad diet. The closest I came was in college when my friend Christy and I had what we called, “Grapefruit Time.” When everyone else was snacking on pizza at night in between studying, we’d be eating grapefruit. And going to the gym everyday. I got my skinniest at this time. The thing is, I really like pizza. And I’m not a fan of the gym. So I got to my normal size months later, when I regularly gave in to “Pizza Time.”

Now I feel like all this goes against some of my core understandings about good health and nutrition. Limiting is not the way to go.

However I have always been very curious about doing a cleanse, or a detox, to see how I would feel physically, and to see how it would effect my health afterwards. Lots of people in my family have done this particular cleanse, called Isagenix. They all felt amazing afterwards and it kick-started some weight loss and great nutritional habits. I just decided, oh what the hell. This was about 3 weeks ago when I ordered it. I felt a little silly because it is actually expensive, but what’s done is done. Now I have to follow through with it!

So I started it on Wednesday. I wanted to post actually, but the first two days are the detox days where you just drink this special juice. You get six snacks. Basically, six raw almonds, throughout the day. So I really didn’t feel up to writing.

I felt OK during the day both days, and stayed in both nights. That was definitely the way to go. At night I was definitely getting cranky and hungry and would not have been able to say no to cajun cheese fries. Staying in also granted the opportunity to catch up on some must-see TV. (OH. How I love The Biggest Loser.)

I cheated and ate half an apple each day. I was feeling a little woozy and just that half an apple wouldn’t screw up the cleanse too badly. But this was more for the next day than it was for that moment. I had some things going on Thursday and today and didn’t want the wooziness to continue. (It would be best to do the detox days with absolutely nothing planned. Is this possible, EVER?) (Ah, ha! Already discovered something: an inability to slow down!)

It was the sleeping that was odd. I woke up several times each night while I was sleeping, to use the bathroom. (TMI? Well we’re talking about a cleanse here so you’re getting details.) ALSO—I was having CRAZY dreams. Not fun dreams, either. Negative ones! And they were so incredibly real. My cousin told me that the first two days are detox days, so it is natural to feel kind of bad. Your body is getting rid of gunk! I am not sure why most of the bad feeling part happened while sleeping! I think this may have to do with all the herbs that go into the shake. I’ve had some teas before that gave me wacky dreams, due to the nutty herbs they throw in those things.

(Note to self: Might be a good idea to research which herbs have odd effects on dreams and sleep.)

The next five days include these shakes, snacks, and one meal of 400-600 calories. I have been dreaming about a chicken salad for two days, and that’s definitely what I’m going for today. This morning I woke up, and I felt shaky and off feeling a bit. I think this had a lot to do with waking up throughout the nice, but whatever the case, I know that I needed to eat something. So I did. I just did. I had some steel cut oatmeal with cinnamon and also some almonds. I was supposed to have the shake for breakfast. But my body said it needed food, so food I gave it. I am not sure how the overall cleanse will be affected if I continue to cheat. So far, I have cheated each day, but they have been smart cheats. Apple. Oatmeal. Extra almonds. These are good things. But still, I am going to try and stick with the program as much as possible for the duration of it.

So, I’m going at all this with a grain of salt. I am not sure what to expect, and I’m not even totally sure if this is the best idea for me personally. Honestly I did not do my research, I just success stories said, “Count me in!!!” (Ah, that darn impulsive streak.) But you know what? I paid for it and if nothing else it will be an interesting learning experiment.

Also, let me add that I know I am not fat. UGH. I hate when people call themselves fat. I am petite, so the fact that I am even talking about weightloss may come off as irksome. But ideally, I would like to lose Texas 10 I gained this summer. (At one point I tried to attribute those 10 to bikram yoga. HAHA. That’s called, “In Denial.”) So obviously changing eating habits for a week will help out with that. Also this is supposed to be amazing for your liver. And, I do enjoy a whiskey, and a wine, so I am excited to really get my liver into optimum health. And maybe even toy with keeping it that way, and like, drinking in moderation!

And I’d just like to see what my relationship with food is like once I come out of this.

So, here goes this experiment!

Mmm Ice Cream Twix and American Spirit November 18, 2009

I think that since September, I have had tonight as some sort of end date in mind. If I can just make it to November 17, everything will be fine. Tonight we did a Pembroke and Lu show. Last week was my solo show. Creativity, especially creativity on stage, especially FUNNY creativity, has taken up more of my energy in the past year than I’ve experienced before. This is not to say that I have done a ton of stuff. Tons of my peers have got me on that one. It’s more to say that it takes more out of me now than it used to. Yesterday I ate an entire box of Crunch N’ Munch popcorn in one sitting. Also a whole bag of chips. Like, a big bag. This was while I was rehearsing with Rory. Well, that is—when I wasn’t eating, I was rehearsing. We were doing a lot of new stuff, and I had used up most of my audience vouchers the previous week for my show, so I think those two things created a big pit of anxiety. Crunch N’ Munch seemed liked the answer at the time. (The show went well though, despite the copious amount of caramel popcorn ingested 24 hours prior.)

I decided I wanted to do a solo show way back in February. (Well, actually I first wanted to do a solo show in 2003, in college. Didn’t finish. Then, 2008, at the PIT. Didn’t finish. I think last fall I wanted to give it one more go.) Anyways, when I began this one, I would have a ton of ideas, write them down, and then not look at them for two months. They hurt to look at. They felt uncomfortable. I liked the idea of what I wrote, but the thought of standing up and playing these various oddball characters made me want to squirm out of it.

But it was still this creative dream to do this show. It lingered around, so I knew I just had to do it. I would talk about it at work with friends there. That’s when I found out that Maia had done a lot of directing of solo work. We met for lunch one day, and she suggested that we just take what I had and go outside and play with it. Just have fun.

This is what opened the door for me to actually move forward with it. Just the idea that I could play, that I could take what I had written down and be 8 years old in the park creating characters freed me up. After that, I wrote and wrote and wrote. (It’s fitting that she later became my director, and was instrumental in the entire process.)

And then, yet again, several weeks went by where I could not look at it.

We continued sporadically working on it, and I decided the only way that I would complete this show was to have a date set to actually perform it.

That’s when I began referring to the project as “this fucking solo show.”

I resisted writing it. I did not want to. I felt completely self-conscious of my ideas. I had the entire month of September off, which would have been a great opportunity to focus on this show. But, nope. I sat at the computer and felt so much inner resistance to just writing something, anything. Something BAD, please, just anything! I couldn’t do it. I had to get up and walk away.

But there was a sinking feeling throughout the whole time that I was just putting off this thing I had to do. Why did I have to? I don’t know. Because it had been a dream to do it.

I felt self conscious reading my monologues to Maia (when I finally got around to rehearsing), and she had the genius to see what worked completely and what was just slightly off.

It’s the slightly off that will get you every time. There’s something good about this monologue, character, job/apartment/boy, but it doesn’t quite do the trick. I should like it, but I don’t. She was able to the slightly off for being off, and we ran with the character that worked.

That’s when the fun started.

I’ve done a lot of emotional eating lately. The weird thing is, I am not sure exactly what emotions I am trying to bottle up here. I also haven’t done yoga in almost 3 weeks. My joints ACHE. And the longer I wait, the harder it is to go back. But i find an excuse daily not to.

My latest treat is chocolate and cigarettes. At night, in this apartment. Okay, I’ve done it twice in the past week. Maybe it’s because I’m moving in a week and not allowed to smoke inside there. I like this rule. I don’t want the house to smell smoky. But it feels like pure decadence to sit down at the end of the night and eat a twix while smoking a cigarette. I don’t think I am even inhaling these things right, and the smoke keeps getting in my eyes. It is still a relaxing non-habit. Maybe I also feel so rebellious. I never ever smoke inside here. I may as well live it up before the next Phase of life begins.

But it’s the anxiety that is an issue. It’s a problem. My stomach has hurt for a couple of weeks. The night before my show I couldn’t sleep, because I was so excited. That was a happy place to be. And the night after my show, I slept so well. Like a baby. But besides that: just nervous energy.

So now I don’t have any major commitments for some time, and that feels really freeing. I’ve been freaking out over work and I’m making the command decision to just let it go for a week and give myself this free time to pack.

I can call twelve temp companies once I am settled into my new place. I can drop off my resume at 20 restaurants. It will be fine.

But I have been thinking a little about this blog, and about where I was mentally in July and August. It was safe then, to be in dreaming and hope mode. What would it be like if I could quit my job? What would I discover if I had a whole month without working? What could happen if I followed through on my desire to do this solo project? What if I moved?

I’m going from dream mode into just taking the chance mode and doing these things. I am not sure what materially I have to show for the changes I’ve made in my life. I still look at jobs and nothing REALLY excites me. A new career net did not appear. I did not exercise as much as I had wanted, and have managed to not exercise at all in nearly a month. Let’s not discuss money. You get the idea.

But I feel like this year for me has been me saying, “I’m not gonna wait for someone else to decide that it’s time for me to have X.” This is an idea I regularly live out when I see attractive boys. Some guy friends will tell me it’s a bad idea to go up to a guy—that’s his job. But you know what? I am not going to wait for someone to decide that I am attractive. If I see someone cute, I will talk to him. I can happily say I have had my share of interesting experiences, and rejections, and I feel bolder and more confident. Because I get it now—Being rejected is the worst thing that can happen, and you know what? It really isn’t that bad! Ha! It’s empowering!

By quitting my job and taking my time off I was saying, “I am not going to wait for my best life to happen to me. I am going to make it happen.” By actually following through on a dream of this show, I have now set myself creatively to move forward with a project that can merge multiple interests.

So, yeah, I’m broke.

I weigh 10 pounds more than I did a year ago.

I’m leaving my place in the center of Manhattan.

And I’m still not quite sure what career path to pursue, or how to pursue it.

But you know what? I like it this way. (Okay, not the 10 pounds part. Note to self: Next time you spend 2 months in Texas, don’t eat and drink like like Romans do.)

Maia told me this quote—I can’t remember where from—but a guy said this, “All i need in life in order to be happy is a good pair of walking shoes and a library card.”

That just sticks out so much to me, because when I quit thinking, analyzing, and worrying, I can see what an absolute blast I am having right now in my life, and I can recognize that some of these stomach pains come from pure excitement about what the future holds.

If I can simply give myself permission to not be anxious about the rest of the year, but simply embrace and enjoy this transition, and whatever querky job situation I can land, I think it’s going to be a great holiday season. Mentally and creatively, I feel set up for what the next season has to offer.

And I can’t wait to see what the next year holds.

frozen! November 16, 2009

I feel a bit frozen when I try and figure out what kind of job to get now. I really like the catering company I work for, but I am getting about two shifts a week right now and I need more work. So I’m looking at my schedule, with sporadic kids’ parties and catering work throughout the next month, and trying to figure out what to do next.

I know craigslist is not the best place to look for jobs anymore, but I still look. It feels depressing though. It is difficult to wade through it all and not find anything interesting or desirable. I gave up checking idealist.org, because the thing is I don’t want one of those real jobs, those demanding jobs. I want something that I can just go in and do, and work hard and stuff, but then leave, but also not want to stick a pen through my eye while I’m there.

A restaurant? Maybe. Could be fun. I made some great friends at my last job, and am so glad that I worked there. I worked with some crazy good awesome people. Who knows who I could meet at a new restaurant! The problem: They are hiring for the holidays. I.E., Goodbye, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years plans.

Babysitting? Maybe. I could create my own Kid Kits like Kristy and MaryAnn did. (For the boys: Babysitters Club reference.)

Part-time work at 4 places so I feel like I am in control of my schedule?

Full-time at one place so that I have regular work?

I sent emails and facebook notes out to some friends, just putting the feelers out there for part-time jobs, and a lot of great options and ideas came back.

I also went to a restaurant on Friday and was chatting with the waiter about how he liked working there. The owner overheard me and talked to me about working there. She said to write a note on my resume that we met so it would stick out.

There are a lot of options. Luckily. Thankfully! But I just don’t knoooooooooooooow which is best. (Waa. Yeah, that’s right. Waaa.)

Temping?

Retail?

Holiday stuff?

Events?

Do I quit my current jobs to do 1 full time job?

Do I search for under-the-table work so that I can go on unemployment after the catering season is over? (Definitely deleting sentence this in 12 hours.)

Should I open a booth up in Union Square? There is this guy there who has an advice booth. I would like to do that. I would be stealing his idea. But, ever heard of Pepsi? Seemed to work for Pepsi, following Coke’s lead.

DURRRRN.

DURRRRN.

I need to rent a uhaul and buy a ton of boxes. (money.)
Also, buy some new furniture for my new room!!! (money.)
Yeah, it’s time to get this job thing figured out.

I saw one posting on craigslist for a cupcake baker and decorator. It REALLY excited me. I gathered all my proofreading/writing/schmoozing skills and made one snazzy cover letter. I also made a little cupcake portfolio online. They didn’t call me, but it was just NICE to see a job job, like something that pays money, that EXCITED me.

Should I go back to Magnolia?

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

They are all like, 21-year-old FIT students.

Am I being dumb by posting all of this stuff on the Web?
Am I making this more difficult than it needs to be?
Does anyone want to buy my microwave?

oh yeah November 15, 2009

I know what to focus on now.

Packing up this apartment and moving.
And finding a job.

Or twelve jobs.

On another note, Ritz crackers with peanut butter will never not be delicious.

now that that’s out of the way… November 13, 2009

I can begin to focus on, um…

Wait, what do I focus on now?

I had a wonderful night performing my solo show on Tuesday. The show went really well, and there was a lot of support in the room. A lot of PIT friends came, and a lot of my old work friends showed up too. I remember talking to them way back in February about wanting to put together a solo show. And it felt amazing to actually follow through on my goal. I am really good at having ideas. But I encountered so much inner resistance to getting serious about the show. I mean, it could suck. I could hate it. It is much safer to think about how great the experience could possibly be, than risk that feeling of disappointment. But, I had fun, and people laughed. So. Yay.

I was REALLY hoping that I was going to figure out some sort of new career path to pursue besides performing. Because a lot of times, being an “actor” by occupation is really a drag. I don’t know if you are aware of this, but it’s sort of competitive to get paying work.

But then, dammit, I felt so overjoyed to do this solo show and find my voice in this character. SHIT. I think I’m going to have to follow through with this and prepare to possibly wait tables a bit longer.

I am still thinking a lot about the article I mentioned a couple weeks ago from O Magazine, where the writer talks about (writer writes about?) how your life’s purpose may have more to do with what you are doing when you are not working. That idea has just taken all the pressure off whatever it is that I do.

The problem with being an actor is that you get so emotionally connected to the outcome of your creation, and everyone’s reaction to it. Because that creation is basically YOU. So I am becoming aware that my real purpose doesn’t have to do with being a performer, or being a writer, or funny or not funny, or in whatever it is I do to pay the bills. My real purpose is in the space between all that, in my relationships and enjoyment of life. I think I overlooked that for so long and looked for fulfillment in being an artist or in finding work that brought me real joy. I felt total fulfillment on Tuesday—absolutely. But also, in that I have finally learned to separate my identity from that of an actor or comedian. I am just me.

And I feel like I can actually bring a lot more to projects or shows or even catering when I’m not trying to force something into it being my validation as a human.

My amazing director Maia, who helped me find the character that I could really have fun with, lent me this great Martha Beck book, The Joy Diet. In it she has ten things she prescribes to do every day to bring more and more joy into your life. One of these things is “play.” The chapter is actually focused on occupation. She describes jobs as “games” and challenges you to understand how to see the humor in these games we’ve set up in workplaces.

A game is an artificial situation including a stated goal and a set of rules players must keep to reach that goal. That describes almost everyone’s job, and most nonprofessional pastimes as well. Unfortunately, we have a tendency to get so involved in these games that we mistake them for reality. In the instant that we do this, our lives become humorless and desperate, losing all the playfulness our true selves want to bring to our real careers. We feel as though we’re struggling with a grim, unalterable reality, when we could simply be enjoying whatever game we’ve chosen with a relaxed awareness of its arbitrariness and ultimate unimportance.

It’s fun to look at auditions as big games. You can sort of laugh at the fact that it’s this big deal to go in for a casting director and try to fit this character and do a short scene and hope THEY LIKE YOU and YOU FIT THIS PART and OH MY GOD WILL I GET A CALLBACK. Really this can just be an experiment in playing this game we’ve set up, and the rules we have created to make commercials or shows or whatever people out there are auditioning for. It takes the pressure off of the importance of the whole thing. It’s just a game, and the purpose of playing is in trying to learn how to get good at the game.

And one more gem from Martha Beck:

Once a day, take a moment to remember your real life’s work and differentiate it from the games you play in order to achieve it. Then, commit to playing wholeheartedly.

a pretty sweet week November 9, 2009

This feels like a really crazy time right now.

Last Sunday a whole bunch of people ran the New York marathon. A friend of mine from catering ran it, and shaved off 20 minutes of time off his record from last year. Down to somewhere around 3 hours and 50 minutes. 26.2 miles in 3 hours and 50 minutes.

Then on Friday, a bunch of my friends did an improv marathon. Tomahawk, a house team from the PIT, performed improv for 24 hours straight. No joke. I saw them around 2pm, when they were going seriously cuckoo. I saw a really hilarious show, when they were somewhere around the 3rd wind. The crazier they felt, the better the improv seemed to get.

Greg Portz performed his new show on Thursday and it was amazing. I was blown away. Everyone was. Keith took awesome pictures. It was painful and angry and hilarious and ridiculous and gorgeous.

Tuesday is a big day for me. I’m doing my solo show!
And I’m excited because… I really like my show.
My good friend Maia has worked with me on this since the summer, when I was horribly stuck on it, but wanting to write it. We have had a lot of fun getting me unstuck! (Not just fun. I have made sure to carry a heavy dose of anxiety with me throughout the entire process as well.)

It is 100 degrees away from where it started with my green notebook in February.

Now, when I think about it, I feel really excited!

So I suppose, here on this blog, I’m supposed to plug it, right? I’m pretty sure most of you have gotten some sort of announcement via one way or another which we connect.

Well, anyways, here goes:

“Happy Class” or… “Really I Just Want to Eat Cheese”
It’s at the Peoples Improv Theater
Tuesday, Nov. 10 at 9:30pm
$5
Tickets can be purchased here.

Oh yeah, and also, I found a new place to live: in a house in Brooklyn. Mayor Bloomberg was crowned Mayor of New York for the 3rd reign, and the Yankees won the World Series.

shake, etc., addendum. (read shake shake shake pt2 first). November 5, 2009

I think movement in life is so important so that you don’t resent what it is that you have now. Because most likely, at one point, it’s the exact thing you wanted! This apartment was so very perfect for me for the past 4 (ish) years. It’s been a huge gift to have this space to myself, close to everywhere I go. It really has served all my needs. And now I am ready for something different. It’s only been recently that I’ve let the thoughts in that say, “okay, let’s get outta here!” And I’m thankful that a great opportunity has come my way before they can fester about and stir up and create a giant pile of resentment. This place has been great, and I want to give it full credit for what a wonderful little haven my nook as been, right here in the middle of Manhattan.

shake shake shake, part 2! November 5, 2009

I am a firm believer in shaking snow globes whenever you feel stuck.

So I’m shake shake shaking!

I am moving!

To a house in Brooklyn!
(The one I looked at on Sunday and immediately liked.)

It wouldn’t feel official until I sent them a check, and notified my building. (Lucky for me, they have a sweet 30-day policy. I just had to give 30-days notice. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to move til my lease expired.)

So, over the past 48 hours, the housemates called and invited me to live with them, I freaked out and then called and calmly said yes, then I freaked out again and called and said wait—I’m not ready for this, then spoke to a few friends and my mother and with resounding “GO FOR IT”s on every end, my senses came back, and I called and said wait—I’m ready!

Ha!

I gave them a little preview of my crazy mental state.

This was hilarious to me because just on Monday I was feeling ever so confident about my decision-making ability. I had connected with my essential self. I knew what I wanted.

But then, thinking about turning in my keys and saying goodbye to my bathroom and my own space got me really scared.

What am I even doing? I haven’t even explored Brooklyn! Maybe I want to live in Greenpoint! Or Ft. Greene! Or Boerum Hill! Or or orororororoororororr

Hush it!

There’s simply no way to know how this will feel until I experience it. I’ve been reminded by friends that there’s no right or wrong thing to do. Jen was just writing about this on her blog! There really is no right or wrong answer to moving now or moving later. But I have been itching for a change, and a wonderful opportunity has come my way.

So I may as well just give it a go!

So, I’m psyched. Psyched to read books on the commute, to have more than one room to hang out in, to be close to Prospect Park, to try out new routes and restaurants, and to have a room without a kitchen in it, and to live in a home with 4 people, rather than a building in midtown Manhattan with 900 very, very interesting folks.

handing in the “honk honk beep beep” keys November 5, 2009

Did the Yankees win last night? I have no idea, but I did hear various screaming in or outside the building as I was drifting to sleep at 8:30 p.m. (That new jacket did not ward off the first winter cold.) But those noises mean they were doing well, right?

It’s oddly comforting to hear the people on the street yelling during some sort of parade, or to hear the ambulances drive by. Yes, that is crazy. After living here for almost 4 years, you get used to the quirks of living in Times Square and the weird things that come with it. (I can ALMOST walk to the train without getting angry. I mean, I’ve built up a pretty good tolerance for swimming through the filthy waters on Broadway.)

As I am seriously looking at moving now, I am realizing that this place has become my security, although not in the sense of it feeling like the coziest home. It is cheap. It is in Manhattan. I pretty much was thinking I would be here until I moved out of New York! Living out there in real apartments is scary. People pay upwards of $800 a month! $900, $1000, $2000! Will I ever be able to afford living alone again?

I’m realizing that I have been preparing to be broke, forever. If I stay in this cheap building forever because it is cheap, it is me saying, “I don’t need to ever make money!” I’m cool with just getting by! I’m realizing that the job quitting thing in September wasn’t incredibly risky for me because I have had many jobs in New York, and had to do the uncomfortable quitting conversation many times before. (It’s not you, it’s me!) I’ve been able to build up a wide range of skills at all my various odd jobs over the years, so I’ll find something! But to leave Manhattan! To leave my studio? Yikes! Will they let me back in? Will I want back in? Will I like Brooklyn? Will I like having roommates?

Or, what about those nights when I have one too many whiskeys? I said this the other night, thinking about taking a long train ride home, drunk (or, extra tipsy, as I like to think of it). One friend said, “You’ll get used to it. Everyone else deals with it.” Another said, “You could consider drinking in moderation.” Uh-huh.

Well, the thing is, I won’t know what life will be like until I go there and live it. It is tempting to hold on to this place for forever because it is safe. But once I allowed the thought in that said, “This doesn’t really work for me anymore,” well—it’s time to give something else a go!

So! Okay! Yeah! Let’s keep this rollin!